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Chapter 5: A heart full of steel
He watched as her chest rose and fell slightly. There was something standing out to him. She had her arm outstretched and her leg draped as though someone was there.
As though Brax was there.
It was as though she was making her body believe that she wasn't alone. As though her body refused to recognize the absence of such a strong presence that had once been there and continued to overthrow her. It was this that made her unrecognizable, that and the other few things about her, he'd tried not to notice yesterday but couldn't help himself acknowledging when she became lost if he mentioned a specific event, or she struggled with lifting the kettle or 2 mugs at a time. She would often take one, carry it with 2 hands and come back for the other. He sighed and closed the door, leaving her in the secluded darkness of her bedroom.
His eyes fell upon the view from the apartment, the water outside of darling point glistening in the morning sunrise, the ripples uninterrupted in the tide, each one slowly getting lost in the open waters. He could see why she'd picked the place, it was close to the water, and the back view was of Blackburn cove and double bay, not that Charlie had ever loved the beach loads but Heath knew she loved going for a walk or a run or sometimes just to watch Brax surf and cheer him on from the sidelines. Heath sighed and turned his back on the shadows rippling over the water. There was something simmering beneath the surface of Charlie. She wasn't herself; Heath knew that, you didn't have to be a genius to notice. She seemed a lot more subdued, a lot less feisty, he'd seen glimmers of the old Charlie last night, bubbling up to the surface, and then like a sparkling drink would, she went flat again. Those were the moments he failed to recognize her, those were the moments he was pretty sure, she didn't fully recognize him, and she didn't fully understand what he was saying.
It was only when he turned around from the view that he forgot his worries about Charlie and noticed the small brown envelope on the floor, slightly crinkled and not sealed completely. He pushed her bedroom door open slightly, content that she was still sleeping before padding hurriedly across the floor and picking it up. His eyes bulged out of his skull at the contents. There were pictures of Charlie. A lot of pictures of Charlie.
She was doing normal things in each one. Walking. Talking to friends. Laughing with someone down the street, just general everyday life. He knew who it was. He knew who was trying to scare her. He knew this was just the beginning. He anxiously ripped up the photographs in to tiny shreds so that they were unidentifiable and wrapped them in kitchen roll before hastily putting them into the bin. He leant his hands on the worktop, his fist slamming onto the hard, cold surface harshly. As he brought his head up he stilled, he hadn't noticed yesterday, only now did he see the 2 small boxes on the side. He picked them up, trying to read the long words written on the side. Sighing at his own stupidity he skimmed over the back of each box, his eyes darting up every now and again to make sure Charlie hadn't come out of her room. He bit his lip as he read through, again, rubbing his forehead with shock before bringing his hands up to run through his hair. He chucked the box back down on the surface and slumped onto the sofa, his head in his hands that were supported by his knees.
He tore from his thoughts as Charlie's voice filled the room, "How'd you sleep?" She asked, laughing as she tilted his head towards her and gave her an unimpressed look "I take it not very well then?" she teased, making her way towards the kitchen. He watched as her eyes stilled on the boxes of medication for a second. Contemplating whether to take them or not. She stood still for a minute, before turning around and continuing her ministrations in the kitchen, suddenly pretending the small boxes on the side didn't exist. She felt fine. She coped with each day as it came and adjusted to any obstacles in her way. She didn't like for people to tell her she should do any different. She was sick of everyone, Joyce, her therapist, her physio, not believing that she could cope on her own, she wished they could see what she could do, rather than take notice when she struggled. She didn't need to be sheltered and smothered like a lost little girl.
"What do you actually remember then?" Heath asked suddenly, watching as Charlie's smile faltered and she stopped everything that she was doing,
"What do you mean?" She asked, shrugging it off and pretending to be clueless.
"I know you Charlie, you're hiding something." He spoke wisely, trying not to push her.
She closed her eyes briefly before opening them again and looking at Heath. She could see in his eyes that he'd changed, the Heath Braxton she once knew no longer stood before her. Instead of being a shadow of his old self like her, it seemed as though he'd made something of himself, increased his purpose of being, something that Charlie no longer knew about for herself. "I remember everything, apart from specific events, dates…I know who people are, I remember there presence just not places, the specifics…" she trailed off, watching as Heath nodded,
"Like Reefton Lakes." He clarified; she nodded sadly and twiddled her fingers around her wrists.
"It'll come back to me one day though." She said, her gaze drifting out of the window, instinctively in a northern direction, a glimmer of hope flashing through her eyes, as if there were a chance she would be able to see that same beach with the white sand and high waves. The same beach with the surf club bar sprawling out over the top of it, the same beach where the man she once knew, a man she loved often looked out of his restaurant balcony everyday and stared out onto the horizon, hoping she was out there watching over him, watching over her daughter.
"I suppose it's better knowing you're closer to them." Heath replied, watching as Charlie nodded slightly, although they both knew she was so close yet so far away.
"I don't get why you can't come back though?" Heath asked, peering at her through curious eyes.
"I think the incident the other day says it all Heath." Charlie said, "And besides, some people in Jakes gang still hang around the bay, I don't think I'd last long if they got wind I'm alive do you?" She asked rhetorically as she began to make them a drink.
"Here let me lift that." He said jumping up from the sofa as she went to pick up the kettle.
"Heath I can pick up a bloody kettle!" She snapped, closing her yes and running her hands over her face "I'm sorry." She muttered, her voice in an almost inaudible whisper to Heath. "I remember a lot-apart from specific events, like Reef." She stumbled, not quite sure what Heath had called it.
"Reefton lakes." He finished, she nodded silently in response. Heath nodded, unsure of how to process this. Charlie began to get back to what she was doing. Aware that Heath didn't quite know how to react. She picked up the kettle, holding it with both hands; she shuffled slightly towards the kettle stand, her weight firmly on her left leg, her right one flailing slightly in the air. She chuckled as his eyes moved up from her leg to her hands as she was fiddling with the mug, her palms angled in a precise way.
"It's rude to stare Heath." She teased, sighing, as his eyes still fixated on her hands, like a dog to a bone. "Just ask already." She chuckled, breaking his path of sight from her. "Why do you lift things with both hands? Why do you lean on one foot? What's wrong with you in general Charlie?" she fired up, laughing as his eyes still looked at her in a bit of a daze.
"You look alright to me." Heath chuckled, laughing as she flushed her signature Charlie blush as she used to whenever Brax complimented her. "I had to do that, just to make sure it still existed." He teased, laughing when she slapped his chest gently.
"To answer your array of questions I have Apraxia and Quadriparesis." She said triumphantly as she managed to get the words out.
"English?" Heath asked, throwing her a clueless look.
"I was in a coma for three weeks." She said, running her fingertip aimlessly around the rim of the mug, "After I um…died." She said faintly, her eyes not missing Heaths pained expression as she said those words, his mind wondering through each and everyday Brax had struggled to live with since then. "I had temporary memory loss, which subsided rapidly." She spoke quietly, "And now basically, I have difficulty carrying out normal, everyday tasks and a weakness of my limbs, they just hurt and ache a lot." She finished, smiling faintly as Heath looked at her blankly.
He nodded slightly, "So you can use them though?" he asked stupidly, his eyes darting between her arms and legs.
"You don't say Heath!" She laughed as he slapped his forehead, realizing the stupidity of his question. She smiled as Heath did, "I did once drop the kettle though, the water splashed and burnt my other hand." She said, showing him the faint pink tinged scars that ran over her right upper hand and lower arm. She watched as he hypnotically lifted her hand and traced his fingers over the faded skin, his eyes filled with fascination.
"But my legs are quite strong now, so I can stand on one foot." She said triumphantly, moving away from him and lifting one foot up. He laughed as she did so, the look of pure joy on her face, even though she was wiggling slightly and could only support her weight for around 5 seconds. "Took me 4 months for that." She grinned, her smile dropped as Heaths faltered, "Its not much really for four months is it…" She trailed off, beginning to play with her hands in embarrassment.
"Nah it is." Heath said quickly, "It's just I realized I have to go home tonight." He said faintly, he watched as Charlie nodded slowly, her face filled with a sudden downcast and disappointed look. He looked down at the floor. He didn't want to go but he had a girlfriend and a baby at home to look after. His dad was getting back that afternoon and so he had no reason to come back until his dad did. As much as he wanted to stay he couldn't. "I'll come back though, promise." He said, lifting up his pinky to hers, smiling as she took it and linked hers around his.
"I'll hold you to that Braxton." She said softly, a glimmer of a tear flashing in her eye as he pulled her to him, as close as her bump would allow.
….
Natalie hadn't seen Brax since their confrontation yesterday. She'd text him. She'd called him and she'd knocked on his door. But Brax being Brax was ignoring her, and doing a fine job of it too. She'd become used to it. Used to Brax's violent emotions and she knew that forcing the 'Charlie issue' never worked, and he only alienated her even more. Brax always pushed her away; it was even more difficult that everyone around them stuck up for him. 'He's been through a hard time' Leah would say, or 'I don't know why you're bothering,' Ruby had once told her. His 'daughter' had made it pretty clear that she should give up on him, Ruby didn't want to see him alone, but she knew that's how Brax wanted things to be. He couldn't go on pretending Natalie was Charlie forever.
Natalie loved his loyalty to Charlie, how he felt it his duty to protect her from anything or anyone that would have hurt her when she was alive. Yet he couldn't grasp the concept that she was gone. His loyalty therefore became one of the things Natalie despised about him. He was blinded by undying love to someone he could no longer have.
So when he knocked on her door the following Sunday evening, her and Leah couldn't help but be surprised at his sudden turn around.
Leah raised her eyebrows when she opened the front door to a wavering Brax, his body language screaming with anxiety but his exterior otherwise calm. He looked as Brax normally did. Checkered shirt, dark jeans, the usual.
"Hey um look I just wanted to apologize to Nat for earlier." Brax said anxiously, Leah nodded skeptically and watched as he twisted the silver ring around on his finger.
"Really?" Leah asked, her eyes widening as she move her head in a slow mocking nod, "I'm sure she'd be thrilled." Leah said with false enthusiasm, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
Brax sighed and leant his knuckle on the doorframe, rapping them lightly against the wood in slight frustration "I reckon I was out of line, I wouldn't be surprised if she was angry or-"
"Well can you blame Her?" Leah scoffed, her tone coming out more venomous than intended, her knuckles squeezing the door handle tightly, restraining herself from knocking some sense into him. "No one likes to feel rejected." Natalie said softly, Leah and Brax both turned their heads around as Natalie paced lightly into the room, tugging on the drawstrings of her dressing gown.
She down at the floor briefly before peering up at him through heavy eyes; Leah sighed and held her hands up, backing away from the door and letting Natalie take over, but listening with a roaming ear to their conversation, praying they would sort things out. She tired of sorting out Brax and Natalie's problems, tired of Natalie moping and tire of Brax pretending as though he was iron man, with no emotions at all, his heart full of steel.
"Well I know it's not the perfect situation that we're in but what do you want me to do?" Brax shrugged, leaning casually on the doorframe in front of her, his shoulders slouched and his posture slightly slumped. Natalie scoffed
"You know you sure do have a great knack of letting people in and then pushing people away" she snorted, her arms folding over her body defensively, something she didn't like to do. It was like a shield, separating them,
Brax sighed and nodded his head "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be taking all of my issues out on you. It's not fair." Brax said sincerely, he watched as she slowly dropped her arms to her sides and nodded slightly. "Can I er?" he asked aimlessly, pointing into the house, she nodded and stepped aside, watching as he brushed past her and walked into the living room, his body stiffening slightly as his eyes were confronted with the carpet. It was something Natalie had noticed, when Brax did come in, which wasn't often, he was drawn to that spot for mere seconds and then he would turn around and try and forget where he was and get on with the day.
"Look, um how about we just forget about today and wipe the slate clean and start afresh tomorrow." She offered, watching as he turned around, clasping and unclasping his tensed hands.
"Well I tried that about 6 months ago," he explained, looking sadly at Leah as she came into the room, her steps instantly slowing and stilling as she heard what he was talking about. "Packed everything up, ready to leave and now look at me. I have one brother in jail, one whose packed his bags and gone god knows where and a dad that we're better off without." He sighed heavily, nodding to himself, as though he was reassuring himself to go on.
Natalie nodded and took a tentative step towards him "I'm up to date with your past Brax, you don't need to relive it." She said, watching as he twisted the ring around his finger and knitted his brows together before shaking his head at her.
"Nah you're too up to date, you've done a lot for me, Nat." he said generously, nodding his head at her. Natalie looked over to Leah, whose lips were pursed in wallowing sadness as Brax spoke,
"That's because I care, Brax." Natalie replied as she looked back at him,
He shook his head and clasped his palms behind him on the crown of his head, his eyes looking up slightly at the ceiling "You deserve better Nat, something less complicated, less dangerous." He said, bringing his arms down and swinging them by his sides,
"Maybe, but you can't decide what I want." Natalie spoke, her eyes clouding up as she realized what he was doing,
"I just don't want to come home one day and find out that something has happened to you 'cause of me." He said softly, his gaze instinctively drifting to the carpet at the side of him,
"You don't know that it will." She said, her voice choking up as her wavering hand quivered over her lips and she sucked in her tears,
"I never believed it would Nat but it did, it happened, and I can't just forget that."
"I'm not asking you to forget-"
"You are Nat. You're asking me to take a chance." Brax intervened, shaking his head gently as he looked at her, his eyes filled with care for her, but not love. Love was something Daryl Braxton only reserved for one person. "And that's a chance I can't take."
Natalie shook her head slightly in denial, the one time he'd decided to open up to her was now, and this was how he did it. She always wanted to know about Charlie to know that part of his life, yet he'd always shielded it from her. She had always felt as though she was up against a dead woman for his heart, and now she wished she hadn't wanted to know about Charlie, "That doesn't mean it will happen again-" Natalie started before Brax cut in.
"If we're not together I know that it won't." he said honestly, nodding to himself in reassurance. "I lost the love of my life Nat, because of me she's dead. She never got to say goodbye to anyone, and she never got to hear how much I love her." He said, looking down at the tattoo on his hand before raising his eyes to meet hers. "I can't do it again." He said in a mere whisper before walking over to her and planting a small, lingering kiss on her forehead. She nodded shakily as he dropped his palms from her cheeks and she watched his retreating frame walk out of the house.
…..
"You all set?" Charlie asked as Heath came out from the room with his small rucksack that he'd brought with him from the bay.
"Yep." He replied throwing her a weak and anxious smile. "I'll er…catch you sometime soon." He said, more as a statement rather than a question.
"Sometime soon?" Charlie chuckled with a raised eyebrow, a glimmer of disappointment flashing through her eyes.
"Careful Buckton, you almost sound like you'll miss me." Heath laughed, chuckling as she giggled,
"What can I say I've grown attached." She said sarcastically. "Seriously though- Thank you, you've been amazing." She said honestly, hugging him gently,
"Tell me something I don't know." He joked as she let go and rolled her eyes,
"Cocky."
"But right." Heath winked, tapping her nose with his finger, "See you didn't deny it." He grinned as she slapped his hand away jokingly. "And hey um- I can't begin to imagine how tough it is for you but-" he stopped as Charlie's mobile began to ring and she picked it up from the kitchen unit, her expression changing as she saw the caller id flashing across the screen.
"It's no one important."
"You don't look so sure about that." He said, pointing down at her phone.
Charlie, please, rings me back. Please don't ignore me anymore.
Charlie shifted uncomfortably on the spot as she read the messages from a few hours ago. She silenced it again as it began to ring and tossed it onto the couch, trying to rid her brain of the thoughts. She wasn't in the mood for people trying to reach out to her. She didn't want to try and be someone that she wasn't around other people. She was fed up trying to act as though she was happy.
"I'm sure Heath, trust me." She sighed her gaze lingering down at the floor as a tear finally fell from her eyes. She let it linger, running a slow track down the side of her cheek before wiping it away. As though enough was enough and she only needed to rid of the one tear, the one bit of pain, when really there were a million other pieces, a million other tears waiting to escape.
"Well the tear running down your face says the opposite." Heath said, a concerned tone to his voice.
"When did you get so smart?" Charlie chuckled,
"I've always been smart Buckton." Heath said cheekily, nudging her gently as she smiled weakly at him.
"If you were really smart Heath then you'd do your best to forget this weekend, and forget I existed." She said, her voice containing an underlying serious tone to it.
"And why would I do that?" he asked sternly.
"Because you're better off that way." Charlie said honestly. Her life wasn't meant to turn out like this; she couldn't drag Heath into it too.
"And what if I can't stay away?" Heath asked, chuckling at Charlie's bemused look on her face. "Because Buckton, you know as much as I do, you're not safe. If I were you, I'd rather someone was watching my back."
"You can't guarantee things will end how you want them to." She said simply.
"No but I'll try my bloody hardest." He stated adamantly in determination, "I owe it to Brax to tr-" Heath stopped as a loud knock rapped on the door. Charlie put her finger up to her lips and waited for the second knock.
"Charlie it's me, open up!" Morag's voice sounded from the other side. She looked at Heath wide eyed and ushered him back into the bedroom, both of them cursing under their breath. She chuckled as Heath clambered into the wardrobe, satisfied he was well hidden she jogged back out to the door.
…
"You seem different this evening?" Morag said as she walked in, looking at Charlie from head to toe, as though she was examining every inch of her.
"I do?" Charlie questioned, a bemused look upon her face.
"That's what I said wasn't it." Morag chuckled, "What I meant was, you look different." She said, almost as though it was a good thing.
"You got that from one look as you walked in." Charlie scoffed.
"Well from my knowledge of reading peoples expressions Charlie I would say you looked happier." She explained.
"Really? Take a picture then, I'm sure its brilliant for you to know I'm absolutely fine." Charlie said, glaring at the kitchen work surface in anger as she refused to look at her stepmother, her voice full of resentment towards her as she tried to ignore her presence in the room.
"Charlie I wasn't trying to upset you." Morag explained sympathetically, drumming her finger tips on the side as Charlie continued to ignore her, beginning to wipe the surface with her fingers, ridding of the imaginary dirt that resided there. Morag had noticed this lately. She'd seemed to pick up more of Mr. Braxtons traits, as if it brought her some kind of distant comfort.
"Well you did." Charlie muttered softly, just loud enough for Morag to hear her. She sighed and walked over to the sofa, flicking on the TV as she slumped down into the cool leather, trying to ignore Morag's burning gaze on the back of her head.
"You're just going to ignore me now?" Morag concluded, her hands clapping against her thighs in frustration as Charlie kept her gaze fixated on the TV screen, though her eyes burned through it, not really paying attention to what was playing.
"That's what someone tends to do when they don't talk to you." Charlie deadpanned, her gaze looking firmly at Morag this time.
"Well I tried ringing you and you didn't pick up so I came here." Morag argued, folding her arms across her body and looking at Charlie pointedly.
"Well your first clue was when I didn't pick up." Charlie spat smartly, turning back to the TV. She rolled her eyes as Morag snatched the controller from the coffee table and switched the TV off.
"Charlie, I understand you're angry but you can't stay like this forever." She begged trying to get Charlie to understand.
"Really try me." Charlie said simply, resuming her previous gaze at the now dead TV screen. She had every right to be angry at Morag. Her step mother knew she remembered Brax, Ruby, everyone in summer bay, yet her response was to 'get on with it' how was she supposed to just get on with her life when the life in her was left behind in summer bay? "What Morag?" Charlie asked, looking at Morag with clear annoyance and her voice filled with venom as Morag's eyes burned through her.
"Charlie I know how hard this is for you but I'm just trying to help." Morag pleaded desperately, sighing in despondency as Charlie got up from the sofa and moved away from her.
"Well quit whilst you're ahead." Charlie called over her shoulder as she walked away.
"Charlie as much as I know you want to keep all of this bundled up, I really don't think it's a good idea." She said, following her stepdaughter back to the kitchen.
"What and pushing the matter is?" Charlie asked, raising her eyebrows and nodding her head in conclusion as Morag sighed and said nothing.
"Believe it or not Charlie I'm doing this for your own good. If this could have turned out any other way, I would have made it happen." She said, trying to get through to her stepdaughter. "Charlie you can try and run from your problems, but they'll follow you wherever you go."
Morag looked as Charlie dropped her head down slightly to the floor. Her demeanor was a vulnerability, a fragility that Morag had never seen before, it contradicted the head strong Charlie that she had seen for the past 5 years. "Who says I'm trying to run from them Morag?" Charlie spoke eventually.
"Me." Morag clinched, watching as Charlie ran her hand over her forehead in exhaustion of arguing constantly.
"Well you're wrong." She said weakly, looking at her step mum with no emotion on her face. Her whole expression tired and defeated.
"Charlie you need to understand that I have your best interests at heart."
"No you don't Morag. My interests went out the window the second I was taken from Ruby and Brax." Charlie finished, moving to the door and holding it open for Morag, gesturing for her to leave.
"I know you don't see it now, but You're in enough danger already, that man would put you in more danger if you went back, everyone around you can see that except for you." Morag spoke, "You need to wake up to reality Charlie." Morag said frankly "He's moved on, it's about time you did too." Morag said, leaving a picture taken of Brax hugging a blonde girl on the beach. Morag watched as Charlie picked up the picture and swallowed an evident lump in her throat and walked out regretfully. Enough was enough for one day.
"Geez that was rough." Heath said as he came out of the bedroom, ruffling his hands through his hair.
I promise (hand on my heart) That you won't have to wait long for the special reunion! Nudge nudge hint hint…
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