Chapter 4: Logan denies it all.
"No, no Veronica, that's not what happened." Logan shook his head adamantly. He was pretty sure that he was going to throw up any second now. He was almost positive that things couldn't have happened the way Veronica was describing, but he also knew that Veronica wouldn't lie. He had obviously started sleeping with Hannah before he had broken up with Veronica and Veronica had known. Of course she had left him…he was a selfish, horrible, idiot. He had never regretted his out of control drinking, reckless behavior, and overall assholeness more than he did right now. He had always known that he had driven Veronica away but he couldn't stomach that he had betrayed her so thoroughly.
"I hadn't seen you in days and then all of your stuff was packed up and you had taken all of your favorite clothes. I thought you had left me. Why the fuck didn't you make me talk to you?" Logan's voice was desperate. No matter what realizations he was coming to in his own mind, he did not want to admit to Veronica that he had taken home some girl in a blackout and let that girl manipulate him into thinking Veronica was gone. It was too stupid. He certainly didn't want to admit to himself or Veronica that he had gone back to easy, trusting Hannah instead of turning to Veronica for help when he was at his lowest.
"I did try to talk to you!" Veronica screamed at Logan, her anger returning full force. "I called and left messages, begging for you to meet me so we could talk. You never answered the phone and you never called me back." Her voice was filled with hurt and accusation again.
"Yeah, I remember some of those messages. You sounded like you had awful news you wanted to tell me. I wasn't too keen to get together to have you hash out how horrible I was and listen to all the reasons you were leaving my sorry ass…" Logan stopped his bitter tirade as a realization hit him. He looked up at Veronica with wide eyes. "Oh my god, you were trying to tell me about your dad?"
"Yeah, I was trying to tell you about my dad." Veronica confirmed tiredly. It was painful to remember how Keith had asked to see Logan over and over again and Veronica had made up one lie after another about why Logan couldn't be with him. She had told Keith that it was too hard for Logan to watch the only real father figure he had known slip away when he had just lost Aaron, but that Logan sent his love and support. She thought that lie would be less painful to Keith than the truth that Logan didn't give a shit and didn't even know that Keith was dying.
"I even tried to talk to you on campus a few times…even though you were always with Hannah after that. Do you at least remember that?"
Logan felt the bile rising in his throat. He did remember how he had treated Veronica when she had approached him on campus a few times after she had moved out. He had been so hurt when he realized that she had moved out all of her belongings without even talking to him about it that he had barely been able to look at her. He had buried himself in more alcohol and the embrace of sweet, understanding Hannah. He was starting to think Hannah hadn't turned bitter later on in their relationship but had been a hard, bitter, manipulative girl all along and he had just been too drunk to see it.
"I told you to stop acting desperate," Logan said quietly. "I told you that I wasn't taking you back so you should leave me alone."
"Yeah, it's more like you screamed that at me. You ridiculed me in public and let your new little girlfriend laugh at me." It was Veronica's turn to have bitterness creep into her voice.
"God, Veronica, I am so sorry," tears were threatening, making his voice shake. His hands were shaking violently as he rehashed one of the worst time in his life.
"I was just so angry at you. You had moved out all of your stuff without even talking to me about it and I didn't understand, and Hannah was there letting me be a complete mess and holding my hand. It was… it was more than I could take and I lashed out at you." Logan's attempts at justification sounded hollow.
Veronica stared at him, trying to gauge his sincerity. "Are you kidding me?" She asked, genuinely curious.
"What? Of course I'm not kidding you," he responded with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. What else happened that he had been too drunk or stoned to remember?
"You were there when I came to pick up my stuff. Actually, I wasn't even there to pick up my stuff. I was there to wait for you and make you talk to me. I still had my key so I let myself into our bedroom and waited." Veronica's eyes shifted away from Logan as she remembered their encounter.
"You came in kind of late that night. I had fallen asleep waiting for you. Thank god Hannah wasn't with you that night." Veronica cut her eyes back to Logan to see if he was remembering any of this. It did not appear that he was which, in Veronica's opinion, was not so bad.
"You shook me awake and asked me what the fuck I was doing there. I asked you if there was a problem with me being there to which you informed me that we had broken up." Veronica was continuing the story in a clinical manner. The version of events she was telling Logan was not exactly what had happened but, if he didn't remember, she wasn't going to let him in on the secret.
"I told you that I had some stuff that I needed to talk to you about and you told me that there was absolutely nothing we could have left to talk about. You passed out and I decided maybe it really was time to get my stuff and move out."
"I took all of my stuff that I could and I crammed it into my SUV. Thank god you talked me into such a big car." She let out a small laugh as she remembered the argument that she and Logan had had when she was shopping for a car after the Le Baron had given up the ghost.
"I had been staying in a motel near the hospital but I was able to find a studio apartment that was furnished. It was close enough to the hospital where I could pretty much be there at a moments notice. I was also just barely close enough to campus to continue taking some of my classes. I dropped all of my classes except a couple of my major requirements so I was able to finish out the semester at least."
Logan stared at Veronica, taking in her explanation and trying to imagine how hard it must have been for her to handle everything on her own. He couldn't believe all of the pain he had caused her. He had convinced himself over the years that it was Veronica who had caused pain to him. That Veronica had been a heartless bitch and left him when he needed her most. That Veronica had just simply not told him that Keith, the man he loved like a father, was sick and dying. Of course it turned out that it was just another lie he told himself so that the knowledge of all of the awful things he had done, the awful person that he had been, did not overwhelm him. He had faced a lot of ugly truths about himself and his past when he had decided to clean up his act. Until now, he had been able to avoid this particular truth. Of course, he had had Hannah and Dick to back up his version of the facts. Now, with Veronica's version of events running through his head, he could see how everything that Dick had seen and heard could be easily misconstrued, especially considering that he hadn't been much better off than Logan at the time. And, apparently, Hannah was never the sweet innocent savior that he had built her up to be in his mind.
"Why would you still even bother trying to talk to me after that?" He asked, truly curious. "I mean, my memory's a little fuzzy through that particular stretch, but you even kept on trying to talk to me after I had yelled at you a couple of times."
Veronica stared at Logan, trying to decide exactly how bad she wanted to hurt him and how much she could give away without hurting herself. She remembered how scared and alone she had been. How utterly betrayed she had felt. How every feeling of inadequacy had rushed back to her and how she had been a shaking mess except for when she had to hold it together in front of her dad. She thought about how insignificant she felt, and how having Logan yell at her and laugh at her had catapulted her directly back to sophomore and junior year in high school when he had been her tormenter. She thought about how she had seen endless pictures of he and Hannah in the tabloids and how she had lied to Wallace and Mac because she was ashamed, feeling like it was somehow her fault that Logan had left her. Now, she definitely wanted to hurt him as badly as possible.
"Dad kept on asking for you," she paused, looking directly into Logan's stricken eyes. "Dad kept on asking for you and I was willing to do almost anything to make him happy." It wasn't the total truth but her aim was true. She could feel the pain radiating off of Logan with this last bit of news.
Abruptly, Logan dove for a trashcan sitting under the large table Veronica used to lay out thumbnail prints of her pictures and to spread out equipment during shoots. He vomited noisily, huddled on the ground. He continued to dry heave for a few minutes after he had purged everything in his stomach. After the dry heaving had ceased, Logan remained on the floor, sobbing into the crook of his elbow. Veronica watched him but didn't make any move to comfort him. She wasn't totally heartless and the memory of the boy she had loved so much was making it hard not to go to him. She ruthlessly reminded herself that he had abandoned her, that he couldn't be trusted, and she couldn't afford to let him back into her life. It still took all of her will power not to gather him into her arms and rock him like a child.
Finally, Logan regained control and moved back to his chair. "Tell me…" Logan had to clear his throat to dislodge the huge knot that was making it hard for him to speak. "Tell me about Keith. What was it like?"
Veronica looked at Logan for a second before she began her narrative. She hated talking about Keith's last days, but if Logan wanted to know, she would tell him. He had loved Keith, after all, and Keith had loved him.
"When we talked to the specialists in LA, they told us that the survival rate for his type of tumor was extremely low. Something like 15%. So, basically, we needed a miracle for him to survive. On top of that, they explained that most of those survival statistics where for people who were much younger, and therefore much stronger, than Dad. They said that we could do radiation, hoping to shrink the tumor so that surgery was a viable option, but that it was extremely unlikely that it would work. They recommended that we forgo any curative treatments and just try to make him as comfortable as possible." Veronica swallowed, remembering how mad she had been at the doctors, at the world. She hadn't been ready to give up. She had fought with her father. He had wanted to go home and live as peacefully as he could for what little time he had left. He had begged her to understand, to let him go.
"I insisted that we try the radiation." Her voice was almost a whisper. "I…I just wasn't ready to let him go. He tried to explain to me that he didn't want to be so sick for his last little bit of time and that there was almost no chance that it would work." A tear slid down Veronica's cheek.
Veronica's face burned hot at the memory of the things that she had said to her father to make him undergo radiation. "I begged and I screamed at him. I told him he couldn't leave me, that I needed him. He finally agreed to do it, for me. He was worried, too, because our insurance denied coverage, claiming that his doctors had recommended against it and that treatment was futile. But, you know Dad's books had done so well so I convinced him that I would rather spend the money trying to keep him alive than have it to spend after he was dead."
"He went through radiation, and he was so sick and miserable. He was so sick that he had to stay in the hospital the entire time." Veronica clasped her hands together to stop the violent tremors running through them.
"He finally made it through radiation, but it barely had any effect at all. But by then, he was too sick to even go home for his last few days." Veronica swallowed a couple of times before she was able to go on. "He died in early December." Veronica wiped her tears away. There was little that she regretted more than making her father's last months miserable by insisting on radiation. She had just been so scared and so utterly alone. Mac and Wallace had constantly visited and tried to support her, but she had known that they could never be the kind of support system that Logan and her father had once been. On top of that, she just wasn't as close to Mac and Wallace as she had been in high school. At the time, she had liked to think it was an inevitability of attending different schools, but now she realized that maybe she had just been too wrapped up in her own life to properly keep up with the friends that had meant so much to her and had always had her back.
Logan was wiping away his own silent tears as he listened to her story. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Veronica." There was true anguish in his voice and Veronica believed him. It was hard, sitting here close enough to touch him, not to remember the sweet boy who had been totally in love with her and would have done anything for her…even if he did fuck up on occasion and indulged in some binge drinking here and there. She had kept a bitter picture of Logan in her head and heart for so long, but faced with him in flesh and blood, with sincere, pain filled eyes, it was hard to…it was just hard. But she had to remind herself that she couldn't trust him again. Even if he hadn't intentionally hurt her, like he seemed to be claiming, he had gotten so out of control that he had allowed her to be hurt…badly. She couldn't be a part of that again.
"I still don't understand why you left, though." Logan understood the pain that losing her father must have caused her. Then, pile on top of that that fact that Logan had shredded any trust and security that she had been able to build over the years, he understood that she probably needed to lick her wounds. What he didn't understand was her need to completely disappear without a trace.
"When I got it together spring semester, you were just gone. I called Wallace to see what was going on with you. He didn't say word one about your dad, by the way." Logan was still bitter that Wallace had let him find out about Keith's death on his own. "He told me that you had decided to study abroad for your final semester, take some of those amazing photography courses you were always talking about and just kind of lay low. That made sense, but I still wanted to talk to you. Explain to you about Hannah and, I don't know, get your blessing or something." A bark of laughter escaped him at the sheer ridiculousness of that thought in hindsight.
"When I checked with the school, they said you had withdrawn and there was no record of you enrolling in any of the study abroad programs." Logan's voice was kind of far away as he remembered how confused he had been and how his trepidation had grown with each passing day that he couldn't find Veronica. "I finally decided to check with your dad. I was trying to avoid talking to him because I didn't want to hear what he had to say about our break up. I wasn't feeling too great about it, not remembering huge chunks of that fall, and I wasn't sure what you had told him. But when I finally gave in, I found that his number had been disconnected. When I showed up at your old apartment, someone else was living there and he told me he was pretty sure the guy who had been living there had died." It was Logan's turn to stare at his shoes, miserable in the memories he was reliving.
"I went a little crazy. I looked it up in public records and, sure enough, Keith had died and there was an obituary and funeral notice and everything. I was so mad at you for not telling me." His voice cracked. "Hannah was there for me, though. She really supported me, helped me get my shit together, you know." He looked up and realized that this was probably not the best information to relay.
"Yeah, so I was reminded, time and again, through every tabloid on earth," the bitter edge in her voice was hard to disguise. "That's why I left Logan. I needed to lick my wounds in private and since you and Hannah had become this golden couple, 'high school sweet hearts, reunited', I was back on the radar as the jealous ex-girlfriend and I was fair game for the paparazzi. Not long after Dad died and I was trying to get back to my normal life, I started getting followed everywhere and they started putting pictures of me looking like shit inset in pictures of you sticking your tongue down Hannah's throat at some club."
"So I decided to drop off the grid for a while. I knew all of the tricks and I didn't really think anyone would be looking for me for a while anyway. I made myself an entire new identity as Stuart Reynolds. My middle name, you know Dad always wanted a boy, and my mom's maiden name. I went a little overboard with fake passports and lifting a social security number from some poor dead kid that I could use. But I had a lot of time on my hands…and it all came in handy when I decided that I wanted to stay gone."
Veronica gave Logan an appraising look. For all these years, one question had been eating away at her more than any other.
"Why, Logan? Whey did you decide to get your shit together for Hannah when you would never do it for me?"
Logan flinched at the pain he heard in Veronica's voice. "It wasn't her over you, Veronica. It never was. I always loved you more than anyone. You have to know that." He was at least confident that she had to know that he had always loved her. "I was just so fucked up about Aaron and some other stuff that was going on and I was having a hard time letting you know what was happening or even really caring about anyone but myself at that point."
"When I was at my lowest and I thought you were gone for good, Hannah kind of showed up like some sort of angel of understanding. She let me be as completely fucked up as I wanted to be, let me drink, smoke pot, pop pills, whatever. She went to parties with me, she listened to me rant and rave, she never complained about the paparazzi following us. She was the easiest person to be with because she let me keep on sliding down instead of making me snap out of it."
Logan shook his head a little bit, still amazed that he hadn't at least gotten alcohol poisoning during that time. "I didn't get my shit together until Hannah informed me that she was pregnant. She was apparently pretty lax on birth control, and you know my horny ass wasn't on top of it." Logan scrubbed both hands over his face and through his hair, again bewildered that he couldn't draw any real memories out of that murky period of time. "I know its not her fault, I should have been more responsible, but I was so fucked up all the time and for some reason I thought she was on birth control." Logan shook his head again, thinking about all of the stupid things he had done in the past.
"I was completely freaked out at first. You know how scared I have always been of becoming just like Aaron. But then, I realized that I didn't really have a choice about whether this little one was coming or not so the only way I could make sure that I didn't turn out like Aaron was if I got my act together and was a real father to my son that was on his way." Logan smiled despite himself. The thought of his son always made him smile. "It was hard, but I got myself under control. I still drink here and there but nothing like I used to in high school and college." Logan looked up into Veronica's eyes, "I'm so sorry that I put you through so much because I couldn't control myself." Again, he sounded completely sincere when he apologized.
"But, of all the stupid things I've done because of alcohol, I could never regret Ethan. I love him so much." Veronica could see the love shining in his eyes, overshadowing the turmoil and pain that had predominated the last hour.
"So, getting knocked up was the only thing I had to do, huh?" Veronica tried to keep her voice light but she could hear a tiny bit of bitterness.
Logan laughed, "Like there is any way that you were going to let that happen. No matter how persistent I was or how much I pouted or how much I drunkenly mauled you, you were always responsible enough for both of us. You were like a drill sergeant with birth control."
"Yeah," Veronica nodded half-heartedly, not looking at Logan.
"Anyway, I was able to straighten up before Ethan was born. His middle name is Keith, you know." Veronica nodded, she of course had seen that piece of information in the tabloids.
"Hannah and I never got married because everything kind of happened so fast. I wanted to find you and tell you what was going on so you wouldn't be blindsided, but I guess it didn't really work out that way, huh?" Logan chuckled without humor. "Hannah and I moved in together. I bought a new house for our new family and, at first, everything was absolutely perfect. Hannah supported me when I decided to pursue acting." Logan quickly glanced up at Veronica.
"That's one of the things I wasn't telling you right before we broke up. Harvey, Aaron's agent, had started sending me scripts and asking me to read for a couple of parts. I know I had always said I would never follow in Aaron's footsteps, but some of these scripts were actually really good. And I'm good at acting. And, even though I really wanted to direct, I knew that if I got a name in the industry as an actor, it would make it easier to move into directing instead of trying to make it as the son of the former A-list actor, current murderer, Aaron Echolls. I just didn't know how to tell you that I was really thinking about it because you hated Aaron and you hated being in the public eye. I just thought you would completely reject the idea." Logan looked at Veronica for a response and received a nod, indicating that he should continue.
"Yeah, but I got into acting and it has actually been going really well," Logan paused for breath, having rushed through his explanation of how he had gotten into acting. He still felt guilty about not confiding in Veronica after all of these years.
"I know, only twenty-eight and you already have an Oscar. Not too shabby," Veronica had followed Logan's career and had seen every single one of his movies. It was kind of nice to see his face while he pretended to be someone else. She could enjoy some of her old memories without having to deal with the actual person who had betrayed her. She had been constantly impressed with Logan's ability and with the quality of movies he always seemed to pick.
"Mmm, that was more luck and politics than anything else," Logan brushed off her praise. "At some point, Hannah and I just started drifting apart. I was never in love with her. I was just kid of using her as a stop-gap because you were gone and then she got pregnant and we just kind of started living this life." The memory of how fast he had gone from being a drunken fraternity boy to a dad was still staggering. "Then we started to fall apart, not talking to each other, barely seeing each other. She hated that I couldn't stop looking for you and I had some suspicions that she was cheating, but she was at least discreet. When I told her that I thought we should break up, she went absolutely insane. She told me that she'd make sure I never saw Ethan again." Logan swallowed audibly, the thought of losing his son making his mouth dry. "I caved and told her we'd try to work things out but, after that, she made it her mission to make my life a living hell. I finally couldn't take it anymore and decided that I'd fight for joint custody."
"I don't know if you followed the story," he looked up at Veronica who nodded. She had followed the story that had unfolded in not only the entertainment news, but the legitimate press as well. "She went after me, trying to deny me any custody rights at all. She…she brought up Aaron's abuse and accused me of abusing her and Ethan. She was the only other person I'd told about Aaron other than you. I only told her because I was so scared about turning into him… and she used it against me." Veronica, having abstained from voluntarily touching Logan up until this point, reached out and squeezed his hand. "She said that I was an alcoholic and that I was cheating on her. None of it was true but that hardly matters when you give the papers a good story. Someone dug up all of my medical records, even the x-rays I had when Weevil and his gang beat the crap out of me. They had some expert on CNN going over all of my old bone fractures and emergency room visits, outlining the abuse I must have endured. There showed pictures of me shirtless that some paparazzi had gotten while I was surfing and went over all of my scars. It was fucking awful."
Veronica bit her lip. She had cried for Logan, watching his most closely held secrets splashed across the media. No matter what he had done to her, he didn't deserve that kind of treatment. She was proud of him for keeping his silence about the abuse, not giving in to the constant pressures for interviews and the calls to answer the accusations.
"My lawyers told me that if I didn't strike back, I might actually lose Ethan. So, I let them go after her. They dug up all kind of dirt on her that I didn't know existed. It turns out she was cheating on me, she had a little coke habit on the side, just all kinds of fun stuff. Thank god for the nanny or who knows what would have happened to Ethan while I was on set." Logan interlaced his fingers with Veronica's, taking comfort from her touch. "I was so scared that I was going to lose Ethan that I let them completely go after her. Plus, her outing me about the abuse backfired a little, made everyone sympathetic toward me. I ended up getting full custody of Ethan and Hannah didn't even get visitation rights. I guess it helped that my lawyers were able to prove that most of her accusation, especially the abuse charges, were false. I've offered to let Hannah come visit Ethan, but she's never taken me up on it. She doesn't see Ethan at all, now." He laughed again, bitterly. "I don't even talk to her any more. My track record's pretty bad, huh?"
Veronica nodded. She was aware of exactly how ruthless Logan had been in his custody battle. True, Hannah had struck first, but Logan hadn't held back. He had shown exactly how far he was willing to go to make sure he kept his child.
A/N – Hi! I wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciate the comments. Also, I want to apologize for making some of you hate Logan. That certainly wasn't my intention. True, Logan has done some pretty awful things in this story and, spoiler alert, you're going to find out about one more awful thing in the next chapter. However, I'm not trying to make Logan out to be a completely evil, unlovable character. I'm playing off of some characteristics I think he had in the show. For example, he often trusted the wrong people and was easily manipulated. He also had a tendency to go on a bender when he was upset. The same goes for how I'm writing how Veronica dealt with the situation. Yes, she always comes off as strong but she can be extremely insecure and had deep rooted trust issues (for good reason). So –that's that. I debated writing this author's note because I kind of feel like if I have to explain what I'm doing I'm not doing a very good job of writing the story. But, that's the beauty of fan fiction, you can talk to your readers and get real time feed back. So, thank you so much for reading!