I do not own Warm Bodies. It's just awesome.

R and Julie: The Simple Life

Chapter 6: Really Human

It is a well-known fact married people engage in certain activities together that, left unchecked, have specific, permanent consequences. R and Julie had been well aware of this before they married. There were, of course, measures that could be taken to forestall those consequences if they so desired. They had even sat out on their balcony one night and discussed it at great length.

In light of all changes taking place in the world, R and Julie agreed it was time for a bit of natural life. They felt even though they were not prepared for it, they would be by the time it occurred. R had missed so much life that he did not want to miss anymore and he refused to be afraid of it. He just wanted to live it. Now that he had a human future, he wanted to enjoy it. Julie felt the same.

And so it was that nature took its course two months into their union.

They were washing dishes in the sink. They never used the dishwasher because it required too much unnecessary energy output from the generator. Julie was washing and R was drying the few dirty dishes used in the course of the day. They worked together in companionable silence.

Finally, Julie could wait no more.

"R?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm two weeks pregnant."

The plate he was drying slipped out of his suddenly numb hands. It hit the floor and split into three parts.

Hmm, one part for each of us, Julie thought without knowing it. Guess that means it's not twins or triplets. That's a relief.

R couldn't respond. He knew what her words meant. He just couldn't speak. Instead, he leaned over and carefully picked up the broken pieces.

Julie tried again.

"We're going to have a baby."

A few more seconds passed. R walked over to the garbage can, opened it, and deposited the broken plate pieces into it.

Julie tried a third time.

"You're going to be a father."

R stopped in the middle of the floor, standing still, his head down. She approached him, unsure what to make of his reaction, or lack thereof. She touched his arm.

"R?"

Suddenly, he swept her into his arms, kissing her with everything in his soul. Relieved, she kissed him back, running her hands through his thick, dark hair. He was shaking terribly as he set her down.

"I love you, Julie," he murmured softly.

"I love you, too, R."

I really am human.

Month 2 . . .

"We have some big news to tell you guys," Julie began.

Marcus, Nora, and Colonel Grigio stood in a row, facing them. Nora's right eyebrow quirked and a knowing smile played about her lips. Marcus tilted in his head in R's direction, no doubt formulating a fantastic one-liner in his head. Colonel Grigio set his face and crossed his arms, preparing himself for the inevitable.

"We're having a baby," Julie stated simply, smiling happily.

Nora shrieked, grabbed Julie and bear-hugged her, then dashed from the room. R turned his head and watched her go.

Is she making a break for it?

When R turned his head back, Marcus was there, a good-natured smirk on his face. R was vaguely aware that Julie was hugging her dad and he was kissing her cheek.

"Yeah, buddy!" Marcus clapped him on the arm. "That was fast! Name him after his Uncle Marcus, huh?"

Marcus moved off to congratulate Julie. And suddenly, R was face to face with Colonel Grigio, father of the girl R had made pregnant. Right in this very house. They stood toe to toe and the silence stood between them.

The idiot arrived and chimed in at the most inopportune moment.

Oh, dude, he's totally going to kill you!

We're married. It's okay. Stay calm.

Slowly, Colonel Grigio raised his right hand. R stood his ground steadily. He even managed to refrain from clenching his jaw in anticipation.

Well, of course he is! You knocked up his baby girl. He's going to beat you down, Corpse-y!

Shut up. No he's not. Don't flinch. Don't flinch. Don't flinch.

Colonel Grigio offered his hand to R. R shook it, relieved he was not about to be destroyed for love.

"Congratulations."

Colonel John Grigio even managed to almost smile as he said it. Almost.

Whew. Dodged that bullet, Corpse-y.

R wasn't really sure which part of him made that comment. Maybe all of him.

Nora burst back into the room, triumphantly holding a thick book up.

"This is for you," she announced proudly, offering it to Julie. "I've been saving it for when you needed it."

R read the title even as Nora waved it around. It wasn't easy. Especially when his nerves were frayed from telling his father-in-law he had impregnated his daughter.

What to Expect When You're Expecting. Brilliant.

Marcus appeared at R's side again. He whispered secretively.

"By the way, who's this 'Ben' character I've heard about?"

R gave him a look.

"Who's this 'Emily' character I've heard about?"

Marcus looked innocent.

"What? She's really good with umbrellas. And she's very pretty. Why?"

R shook his head, smiling.

"Talk to Nora. I'm not in this. I got enough to deal with."

Month 3. . .

She met him as he walked into the common room, her eyes big and beautiful blue and a bit crazy mad.

"Fish fingers and custard!"

Is this a guessing game? Are we saying random things now?

"What?"

"I want fish fingers and custard! I'm starving!"

From behind Julie, Nora mouthed 'cravings' and held out her hands, curving them like a pregnant belly.

Oh right, weird food desires. Got it.

R gave it a shot.

"Okay, what's custard?"

Julie eyes turned dreamy as she gazed for a second over his shoulder. He resisted the urge to turn and look to see if giant food was about to devour him.

"Oh, it's like pudding . . ."

Great, now I have to find out what pudding is. It just never ends.

". . . but eggy . . ."

Oh, eggs. I know eggs. They come out of chicken's butts.

". . . and milky. . ."

Right. Milk. Cows', um, droopy thingys, um, udders . . .

". . . and there's all different kinds of ingredients you can put in them. It's just, oh, divine." Julie drifted away into a world of custard.

Divine. Don't think I've ever gotten that one. Huh. Now I'm jealous of custard and I don't know why.

While R grappled with the concept of custard, Nora tried to help.

"Um, Julie, I'm pretty sure there isn't any more custard, honey."

Julie pouted like a child.

"Yeah, I know, but, mmmm, fish fingers and custard. . ."

Do fish have fingers? Hang on. Focus.

"What are fish fingers?"

R really thought he shouldn't ask but he did. Julie groaned with longing.

"Oh, yummy, fish fing . . . um, fish sticks. Sorry. Oh, R, you missed so much didn't you?"

Julie suddenly blinked back tears. R felt even more confused.

Crying over fish finger sticks? What the . . .

Nora mouthed 'hormones' and twirled her finger near her temple.

Okay, fish finger sticks make her crazy. Got it.

Nora signaled him to meet her in the hall. R stepped forward and kissed Julie on the forehead tentatively.

"I'm going to find something you can eat. Sit down for a second. I'll be right back."

Julie sat, wiping her eyes and R followed Nora downstairs into the kitchen.

Nora chuckled while quietly reprimanding him.

"You need to catch up on your baby reading. She's having first trimester pregnancy cravings. Makes her want weird food. Then, by the time she gets them, they make her nauseated."

R nodded.

"Yeah, last week, she said she wanted a peanut butter and dry Stove Top stuffing sandwich. Whatever that is."

Nora shivered and made a face.

"Ugh. Don't ask."

"So, what do we do?"

Nora shrugged.

"There's nothing for it. We give her what we've got."

They opened a couple of cans and arranged some food nicely on a plate and added a bottle of water.

Then they stood together, shoulder to shoulder. And argued.

"You take it," Nora urged.

R shook his head.

"You do it. You're her best friend."

"You're cuter," she nudged him.

"You're a girl."

Nora played her final card.

"You made her pregnant."

Dang. Wandered right into that one.

He squinted at her, playfully.

"I hate you, Nora."

"No, you don't."

She squinted back and grinned.

R traveled upstairs and approached his pregnant, beautiful, young wife apprehensively. He knelt next to her chair as she looked at him and smiled, clear-eyed and calm. R smiled hopefully.

"I'm sorry. I'm not crazy," she said quietly. "I just have great memories and some of them involve eating meals with my family. And you don't have any of that."

R stroked her hair, tenderly.

"I know," he agreed. "I don't need them. We're making new memories together with this family. And we will with our new family."

He put a hand on her still flat belly. Julie smiled, back to her usual self. R presented her the food, glad the storm had passed.

"Want to eat?" he asked sweetly.

Julie leapt up.

"Eww, get that away from me!"

She bolted for their bathroom. He sat back on his heels, offending plate still in his hands. Nora was standing at the door, having narrowly dodged Julie's speedy exit.

"Nora, would you like some food?" he offered.

Nora accepted the plate and, true to Marcus' wedding vows, R went to hold his wife's thick, blond hair back as she heaved up something that was definitely not fish fingers or custard. He guessed.

Peanut butter and dry Stove Top stuffing sandwiches are real. And they are good.

What's your favorite weird food? Come on, speak up. Virtual lollipop if you do!