Chapter 4

Despite of all of his parents' kind of realistic but still not convincing enough argument about his leaving being a bad idea, Kendall left. It was time for a new life, and he couldn't get on it in the same town where James was.

He did not have a destination. He did have one thing in his pocket and it was desperation. Way too many times he'd let James have everything he'd wanted, but nothing worked for him to get James down to what Kendall needed. And it made him realize that he could not count on anyone else, but himself.

He loved James way too much. He had to let him go, to let him live a life without having to bound with someone for a life.

Convinced that it was the best for James, Kendall did not fear being all alone against the world. Somehow he could make it. He believed in it. But from time to time he would doubt his belief. Those times when he remembered how much belief he'd had in James. But what was to do if James didn't believe in himself? Nothing. So Kendall would always come to the conclusion that nothing was his fault. It wasn't James' either. Kendall wanted to think. It was way deeper than that. It went back to long years ago when James was a brave child, when everything seemed so bright, when a happy future was in sight. Nobody guessed that this young, strong little man could become such a deeply ruined person within such short notice.

Not wanting to get overwhelmed by the memories, Kendall kept driving and closing out any kind of thought about James.

It was one of the hardest things to do though.

He was everywhere, and though he was driving away it appeared he was following him everywhere.

Of course Kendall knew that he couldn't just erase James from his life. He was going to give life to a child from him and the baby would not only always remind of James, but keep the guilt alive. How would I feel if I found out I had a kid I did not know about?

He would tell him. He would call James and tell him, but he would not be in a relationship with him again. But this baby needed a father, and James needed a little light in his life. Maybe the baby would be it. Even if they weren't meant to be together, maybe that new life they'd created together would bring peace to both of them.

It didn't take Carlos more than a minute to recognize James was back down again. As soon as he entered his friend's house he could notice the signs. For one person there were way too many empty bottles on the floor. Jesus. He only could hope that he had not taken drugs with all that alcohol.

When he found James in his bedroom seemingly totally out of the world laying on the bed he'd once slept with Kendall in, Carlos rushed beside his friend to check if he was alright. As much a fully wasted man could be alright, James was okay. Okay. Breathing.

James was way bigger than Carlos but somehow driven by the need to help out his best friend, Carlos dragged James in to the bathroom and started to shower on him.

"What the fuck?!" James murmured waking up by the cold water but Carlos did not stop it. His friend sat under the running water, clothes from yesterday, or the day before, or who knows from when, stuck to his skin.

"You deserve way worse than this for doing this to yourself again!" Carlos yelled. "What the fuck did you think?"

"Go away, Carlos!" James mumbled miserably failing when trying to get up.

"I'm not going anyway. You're not going to make me go as you did with Kendall."

At the mention of his boyfriend James sighed. His eyes lowered as realization hit him. "I don't know why I'm like this."

After stopping the water Carlos reached for a towel and handed it to James. He dried his face then. "I don't know either. All those years of therapy goes out the fucking window if you get back on this."

"I'm not getting back okay?" His angry expression aimed at Carlos could not hide just how hurt he was, so Carlos ignored the annoyance in his voice.

"I know. Okay. But some people think who's once ... "

"An addict is always an addict." James finished frustrated. "I know but I'm not like that. It was a one time thing." He sighed. "I hope."

"I know you're hurt." Carlos knelt in front of James. "I know you want to drown your pain in the alcohol and what not, but James I also know that you're strong, okay? I know you're fucking strong. You can get through this without this shit." Peeling off James' shirt, Carlos continued. "Look at yourself."

"I don't want to."

"Then don't do this to yourself. You can get rid of the anger other ways." James' pants were next on getting taken off. "Working out always did it. Try that again."

Nodding, James managed to get up. "I'll get along from here by myself."

"Alright." Carlos smiled briefly. "I'll wait for you." Then he turned around and when he was about to close the door behind him, James called out.

"Thank you, Carlos!"

Kendall got a room in a motel and without thinking about taking a rest he was back on the road to get a job. He'd been a manager in the store back home but now that time of his life was over. He had to look for something new.

He tried at several places, including restaurants, stores and pubs even, but nothing worked out so far. He decided he'd go for one more and then head back to his room and get some sleep. It was now going to be dark in a little while. Would not be good if he got lost in the middle of the night.

So his way led into nice restaurant, it had to be about the sixth one he'd been at that day. "Hello." A nice older lady was at the bar.

"Hi. What can I get you, darling?" She asked Kendall.

Letting out a little laugh Kendall sighed. "Actually a job would do fine."

"Oh." The lady smirked. "What kind of job you're thinking of?"

"Anything would be good to me. I was a manager at a grocery store before."

"Hm, a manager?" The lady's blond eyebrows shot up. "Actually I could give you something. You seem like a nice boy. Now, see, I have a son. But the little thing is getting married next week and wants to go away with the girl. So far he's been the one to fill this position, and I couldn't find anyone for his place yet." The lady pulled out a notepad and a pen from her apron. "Tell me your name and a number please." Kendall gave her what she needed. "Good. So Kendall. If you could get along with a grocery store you'll not have a problem with my little restaurant, will you?"

Shaking his head Kendall shrugged. "I hope not."

"I hope so too." They shook hands. "I'm Lucy by the way. I hope we'll be a good team, Kendall. I also hope that you know that with this position comes a lot of responsibility and I don't know you yet. But I'm willing to give you a chance because it's urgent for me to find someone and you look like a fine man. So please don't disappoint me."

"I'll do my best, Lucy. Thank you so much." That day for the first time Kendall smiled.

"Don't you have to work today?" Carlos made James breakfast while he had been in the shower.

"I do. I'll call Bob later I can't go today."

"Why can't you?"

"I can't go there when I'm having a hangover."

"Makes sense."

James worked for a local construction entrepreneur.

From the silence and the weird facial expression Carlos wore, James figured out that Carlos was dying to ask something. "Come on say it, Carlos."

"You know what doesn't make sense at all?"

"No, I don't?" James put down his fork. He actually had an idea. Everyone who knew a little about his past kept hanging on to that topic.

"Why do you do such a hard work, why do you work at all when you have millions on your account?"

"How many times I've told you this Carlos?" James folded his arms in front of his chest. Carlos shrugged. "I don't deserve that money. I'm not going to touch it."

"But your parents wanted you to have it." Carlos would always argue.

"I don't want to have it though." Grabbing both the empty plates, James stood and went to the dishwasher. "And they were not my parents." He hated to say that but they really weren't his parents. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? Carlos please just don't bring this up anymore." With his back to Carlos, James pleaded.

"Just let me tell you one more thing, okay?"

"I know what you want to say. You've said it a thousand times already." As he turned around he found Carlos standing right in front of him. "I know that they loved me as their child. I loved them too as they were my parents. They gave me the family I needed to get out of the ... bad places I'd been to. But that doesn't give me right to spend their money."

"Whatever you say dude." Carlos took a step back. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No. I'll be okay. Go to work."

"Alright. See you later. I'll check on you." Before heading out Carlos gave James a friendly pat on the shoulder. "If you're not okay just call me. Don't do that again."

"Not going to." James loved Carlos. "Thanks again. You're the best friend anyone could ask for."

Carlos nodded, "I know, right?" And laughing he left.

James was alone again.

The sun went down and he was still alone. Carlos had called once, but James had told him to not come over. He'd chosen loneliness when he was not a man enough and let Kendall go, so he'd live with it, get used to it. Because in the end everyone would leave anyways.

After Lucy had showed him the restaurant and told him everything he needed to know to be able to get started on work the following day, Kendall made it back to his room.

Only when he turned the key in the lock did Kendall realize how alone he was.

And he wondered if James was okay. If he felt lonely too. If he'd see him again anytime soon.

Kendall knew that it would only take one call and James would forgive him for running off. And then Kendall would give him time and they would be okay for a little while again.

But then Kendall also knew that a little while would not really be enough now.