Hey guys, so it's been a while since I last updated. I have a new chapter today though! It's basically what comes right after the pair go through Tobias' fear landscape. As usual, I own don't any of the characters, dialogue or settings in this chapter! If you have a specific scene you'd like to see in Tobias' perspective, leave them in the reviews. Feedback is always welcome!
Since I've came to Dauntless, I've found only a handful of people I can call a friend, but even still, despite all the memories, I have not found a single confident, not since Amar left. Even while he was alive, I never wanted him to know how vulnerable my father's mere appearance made me feel. I didn't want him to find out about my divergence. Even still, before his passing, his mentorship was the closest I had to a friend.
That's why it felt peculiar, walking with Tris towards the Pit hand in hand, just having been through my fear landscape, willingly. I almost regret taking her, not because I don't want her to know who I am, but rather because I am not sure whether or not I'll be able to go in again without her.
Eventually, she breaks the silence and I snap out of my thoughts, "So... Four fears." She states, not in any particular tone, and not in the surprised voice most people do. I nod, "Four fears then, four fears now. They haven't changed so I keep going in there, but... I still haven't made any progress." I could tell she knew what I meant, I didn't need any less fears, I was just hoping that one day the fear of my father would finally be gone.
The way she looks at me is comforting, not as if she's talking to a kicked puppy who she now needs to pity, in fact I don't see an ounce of pity on her face. Instead, she just says, "You can't be fearless remember? Because you still care about things. About your life." As she says this, it makes me realize just how glad I am to have confided in someone. Not just anyone, someone like Tris who doesn't treat me any differently. "I know." I reply to her earlier statement.
We continue walking down the narrow pat of the Pit towards the chasm, all of this romantic confident stuff unknown to me just as it is to her. Although we've left Abnegation, we are still the same, so reserved about physical contact. I hear the roar of the chasm, and I feel almost peaceful until I realize the question that must be burning Tris' mind.
As if right on cue, she says, "You were going to tell me about your aptitude test results."
"Ah," is the only reply I can manage to conjure. I want to trust her, I know I can but I feel the hesitation burning.
"Yes I want to know," she says stubbornly, and just a statement such as that shows why she left Abnegation. She's much stronger than she gives herself credit for.
"How demanding you are," I say smiling at her. Even though we are about to talk about one of the most dangerous parts of our personalities, I couldn't resist smiling.
We continue to walk until we reach the end of the path at the bottom of the chasm. I can feel her gaze burning a hole through my head, but I don't answer, not yet. Instead, I lead her, still holding her hand, to a flat rock near the side where the current isn't as strong. I let go of her hand as I sit until she eventually joins me. It's peaceful here in the chasm, and just sitting her with Tris reminds me of why I chose Dauntless as my safe haven.
I then remember the current matter at hand, "These are things I don't tell people you know, not even my friends."
As I say this, I can see the anticipation in her eyes, waiting for me to say three words. But despite all her and I have been through, I still couldn't tell her about my divergence. I know I shouldn't keep secrets from Tris, not at this point anyways but I can't help being reserved. I never had someone to truly confide in.
"My results was as expected, Abnegation." I say, I feel bad as the words come out of my mouth. I could still tell her the truth, but for some reason I don't. It wasn't a lie technically, my results were Abnegation by some fluke. My test results were not inconclusive as hers surely were, but I was still aware in the simulation, a trait of the divergent. As I say this, I can see her face fall slightly.
"Oh," is the only response she manages. She sits there for a minute, quiet. "But you chose Dauntless anyway?"
"Out of necessity," I say. It feels weird, having someone know the truth about Marcus. Especially from a person who technically knew the other side of him.
"Why did you have to leave?," she asks, as if it's not the most obvious answer. I look away for a minute, the memories of my childhood in Abnegation pouring in. I don't offer a response, but she does. "You had to get away from your dad. Is that why you don't want to be a Dauntless leader? Because if you were, you might have to see him again."
I breathe in deeply, straightening my posture and look at her. She's observant, but not in the rude ill-mannered Candor way. It's endearing. "That, and I've always felt that I don't quite belong among the Dauntless. Not the way they are now, anyway."
Her response is quick, "But you're... incredible," she says as her cheeks redden. Tris clears her throat before she continues, clearly embarrassed. "I mean, by Dauntless standards. Four fears is unheard of. How could you not belong here?"
I merely shrug, coming to Dauntless was never out of pride. I never came here to be the best, that was a bonus. It was an escape. Or perhaps it was the inner Abnegation still in me, believing it to be absurd that status could ever be important.
"I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. All your life you've been training to forget yourself, so when you're in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily." I say, this is the first time I've admitted my uneasiness to someone else.
"Yeah well, I left Abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be." Tris says, almost as if she's recalling her Abnegation memories. I smile at her softly, in a way that as a trainer I shouldn't be. But I don't care.
"That's not entirely true. That girl who left someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me. That selfless girl, that's not you?" I say fondly, but unlike me Tris truly does belong in Dauntless. She represents all the qualities that the old Dauntless manifestos admired.
"You've been paying close attention, haven't you?" She says, and something about her comment makes me feel weary about my feelings when I know I shouldn't me. Instead, I offer her a generic response, "I like to observe people."
She smiles at me knowingly, "Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you're a terrible liar."
I've been thinking about this for a while now, how it would feel to kiss her. I had never kissed a girl in my life, and I never had any interest in either, it always seemed so small on my list of priorities, until now. For some reason, I could feel my stomach dropping and I mentally had to reassure myself. This was the girl, out of anyone else I could most relate too. We were both Abnegation finding ourselves in Dauntless. She has to return those feelings, I recalled her holding my hand in the training group after having caught her with Zeke's brother and Marlene. Before saying anything, I moved my hand, and lined it up exactly beside hers. "Fine," I said, leaning my face in towards hers, " watched you because I like you."
I was surprised at how boldly it came out. I quickly darted my eyes up to hers, to find some emotion of reservation or guilt for having lead me on. She doesn't respond so I add, "And don't call me 'Four,' okay? It's nice to hear my name again.
I can see her cheeks warm, "But you're older than I am... Tobias," she says her emotions unreadable, "I'm not trying to be self-deprecating. I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty. I-"
Just as she is about to continue on, I laugh. How could she not see herself as pretty? She definitely wasn't built like those girls I used to stare at, but it didn't change anything. I loved the way she looks.
"Don't pretend. You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty." She says, and I don't feel like arguing with her because she's right. She's not pretty, pretty is too light of a word.
"Fine," I say, You're not pretty. So?" I press my lips to her cheek as I say this, "I like how you look. You're deadly smart. You're brave. And even though you found out about Marcus, you aren't giving me that look. Like I'm a kicked puppy or something."
She looks at me, in awe, as if she can't believe what I just said, "Well. You're not."
I look at her for a second. This short skinny girl from Abnegation, who when I first met, saw so much of myself in her. My eyes flicker to hers, and before I know what I'm doing, I brush my lips against her face, and stop lightly at her lips. I grin before finally pressing it to her mouth.
I can feel her tense up, not knowing that this is just as foreign to me. So I pull away for a second, to regain myself before taking her head in both my hands and kissing her again, stronger this time, more passionately.
We kiss for a few minutes, in peace and she wraps her arm around me. It's comfortable. Finally, we rise, hand in hand and I can't help but to contain my grin. I had truly found something that made me glad to have chosen Dauntless.