DOCTOR WHO: EPISODE 2 - The Karloktos Splinter
Written by: Marcus Stockley
[After meeting Monica for the first time in a daring attempt to battle some weeping angels, the newly regenerated doctor welcomed her as his new companion and they set off to explore the cosmos together]
Doctor: So miss Monica, where shall we go? The future? The past? A distant planet? A distant planet in the future? A distant planet in the past? The options are endless *Smiles*.
Monica: Um... it's up to you I guess...
Doctor: Alrighty then! I know exactly the place to take you for your first time on board the S.S. TARDIS! Never calling it that again! Anywho, you and I are going to take a journey to the most beautiful planet in the Karloktos galaxy!
Monica: *laughs* The what galaxy?
Doctor: The Karloktos galaxy is home to over 400 planets discovered to have intelligent life. I think I should take you to the most beautiful planet there. Shlamah.
Monica: Shlamah?
Doctor: It's a lot prettier than it sounds, trust me.
[The doctor begins to press kobs and dials on the TARDIS]
Doctor: Ready?
Monica: More than ever!
[He pulls a lever and the TARDIS begins to shake and lights begin to flicker as the iconic noise of the TARDIS lifting off is heard echoing throughout the ship]
Monica: Is it always this bumpy?!
Doctor: No! It used to be bumppier *Laughs*
[The TARDIS eventually stops shaking and the lights become stable again]
Monica: What happened?
Doctor: We landed.
Monica: Already? Doesn't it take forever to cross through space?
Doctor: Not if you have a TARDIS!
Monica: But I thought the fastest thing in the universe was light, and that takes thousands of years to get to another galaxy.
Doctor: ...Y'know, you humans can be very stupid at times. Anywho, wanna' lead the way?
Monica: So you're telling me that there's an alien planet on the other side of that door... with real aliens?
Doctor: Well, right now you're considered the alien. But yeah.
Monica: Then what the hell are we waiting for?! Let's go!
[They exit the TARDIS together and are greeted to a bunch of mini blue skin people about a foot tall pointing pitch forks and spears at them]
Monica: What the hell are those things?!
Doctor: They're adorable!
[CUE TITLE THEME: watch?v=aAO6sIyvYoo ]
Doctor: Monica, meet the Shlamans! Inhabitants of Shlama!
Monica: Uh... nice to meet you...
Shlaman #1: Who are you intruders! Shalma is in lockdown and no extraterestrial life is allowed!
Shlaman #2: Any intruders are to be taken to the mayor of Shlama village. Follow me!
[The shlaman grabs hold of Monicas finger and lightly tugs her off into the village. However, the doctor is too tall for the other Shlaman to grab his hand]
Doctor: It's fine little buddy, I can walk.
Monica: Doctor, where are they taking me!?
Doctor: Don't worry Monica, these guys are harmless and nice creatures!
Monica: They were pointing their wepons at us!
[Eventually the doctor and Monica are separated to the point where they can't hear each other]
Monica: Where are you taking me?!
Shlaman #2: We take you to the mayor so mayor can teach you a lesson for intruding.
Monica: We didn't know we were intruding! The doctor described this place as a beautiful town!
Shlaman #2: Flattery will get you no where Earth girl.
Monica: How do you know I'm from Earth?!
Shlaman #2: You stink like Eath girl.
Monica: Hey! For your information I shower on a regular basis!
[Meanwhile with the doctor]
Doctor: Lovely planet you got here. Beautiful lakes, tall mountains, crisp blue skies! Ah man, I could stay here my entire life. Plus you guys are just too damn adorable. Can I pick you up and place you on my shoulder?
Shlaman #1: What?!
Doctor: Then again, that's a bit rude. Sorry 'bout that. OH! I just remembered! You guys hold that annual bake sale in the town square don't you?! Oh man, and it should be this week if I remember correctly, that's amazing!
Shlaman #1: Bake sale was cancelled due to splinter.
Doctor: Due to the what?!
Shlaman #1: Intruder can not know about splinter. Splinter is confidential shlaman military buisness.
Doctor: Since when do the Shlaman have a military?
Shalman #2: Since splinter showed up about one monday ago.
Doctor: Right... makes sense... I think...
[The shlaman eventually reunite the doctor and Monica together outside the towhall]
Monica: 'bout time you showed up...
Doctor: Aww, you can't stand to be away from me for about a minute?
Monica: I was insulted by these smurf people!
Doctor: Oy! That's pretty racist, you watch your mouth!
[Their conversation is cut off by the door to the town hall swinging open. The mayor of the shlamans slowly steps out of the building. He was two feet tall instead of one, and he wore a white robe]
Monica: Who is he?
Doctor: Oy, shut up. This is the good part *Grins*.
Mayor: What brings intruders to Shlama?
Doctor: Right, I think I can answer that. Hello Mr. Mayor! I'm the doctor. You see, my friend Monica and I were travelling in my spaceship and I decided to take her here to admire your planet.
Mayor: I see. Earth girl, is this true?
Monica: Yes... also, can you not call me Earth girl? I don't really like that...
Doctor: Ignore her, she's special. Anywho, sorry about intruding. I'm just a bit curious as to why your planet is on lockdown.
Mayor: Giant splinter is emerging from town square. Townsfolk scared of splinter, so shlama is shut down as shlamans investigate.
Doctor: Right. I was wondering if I could take a look at this splinter of yours. You see, I'm a doctor. I usually fix problems like this.
Mayor: Hm. Prehaps. If you promise to save shlamans, you can look at splinter.
Doctor: I promise *Smiles at Monica*
Mayor: Alright. Doctor can see splinter. Earth-Girl can wait for his return inside the hall.
Monica: I can't go with him?
Mayor: Doctor says he can fix splinter. Earth-Girl can not. Earth-Girl stays here.
Monica: Doctor!
Doctor: Monica, it's fine. The shlamans are very nice people. I'll be gone for only a few minutes. Don't worry *Smiles*!
Monica: You better be!
[The doctor takes off down the road to the village with the Mayor as the Shlamans take Monica inside the town hall]
Doctor: So, give me some information and backstory about this splinter.
Mayor: About a week ago, splinter emerged from the ground in town square. Each day it gets bigger and bigger. Shlamans try hitting it, chopping it, and burning it. Splinter doesn't like it. Splinter growls when we do it.
Doctor: Splinter growls?
Mayor: Yes. Splinter gets very upset because of us. Many shlamans are in fear of splinter. We need splinter to go away for peace to return to village.
Doctor: I see, well then! This should be perfect!
[The doctor walks into a minature village with all the shlamans looking back at him. He walks to the center of the town where he sees a tiny stick sticking out of the ground]
Doctor: I'm guessing that's the splinter?
Mayor: Yes. So doctor, what is splinter?
Doctor: Hrm... I'm not sure.
[He kneels down and inspects the splinter and notices strange markings on it]
Doctor: I'm not sure indeed... wish I was though 'cause this thing is really interesting. By the looks of things, it's underground.
Mayor: Shlaman mine is uner town square. People say splinter is monster, and is stuck in mineshaft.
Doctor: Ouu, that's more helpful information! Where is this mine, and when can I go in it?!
Mayor: Doctor is too big to fit in mine.
Doctor: Hm... what if I dug up the mine so it's big enough for me to make my way into it?
Mayor: That could work. Mine leads to giant cavern. Doctor can stand and move in there.
Doctor: Brilliant!
[Meanwhile, Monica is sitting in the corner of the lobby of the town hall slouched over because she's too tall to fit in the room completely. She notices a secretary sitting at a desk typing on a computer]
Monica: So... is there anything I can do around here for fun?
Secretary: You can be quiet.
Monica: That's not fun. What do you shlamans do for fun?
Secretary: Um... we work.
Monica: Oh c'mon, that can't be all. You gotta' be able to do something else to pass the time.
Secretary: Well... um... oh! Us shlamans tell really funny jokes!
Monica: Jokes? Can I hear one? *smiles*
Secretary: Of course. I know a joke that I've been saving for long time.
Monica: Alright, you be the comedian!
Secretary: So a Shlaman goes fishing in the local lake and catches a shlafish. He puts it in bin and then catches another shlafish. But then, he puts his line in lake again, and pulls out THIRD shlafish! *Laughs*.
Monica: ...and?
Secretary: That was end of the joke.
Monica: That's it?
Secretary: Earth-Girl is very picky.
Monica: Stop calling me that! Besides, when do you think my friend'll be back?!
Secretary: I don't know. Splinter is very entrancing. I've only seen it once. It makes me curious.
Monica: What is the splinter?
Secretary: Don't know. No Shlaman knows. Shlamans are scared of Splinter. Not me. I think splinter is good.
Monica: Well whatever it is, I hope the doctor fixes this. My back is going to be so cramped in the morning...
[Suddenly the door to the town hall opens as the doctor crawls inside with a shovel]
Doctor: Well, don't you look cozy *Grins*. Anywho, I found a way to find out what the splinter is. I'm just going to dig my way underground and destroy the shlamans mineshafts in an attempt to find out what the splinter looks like.
Monica: What?!
Doctor: Don't worry, you'll see!
[The doctor and Monica rush to the other end of the village where they run into the mayor standing outside of a small hole going into the ground]
Doctor: I'm guessing this is the infamous mineshaft?
Mayor: Yes. About a mile down is when the mines become massive enough for three of you to stand on top of each other.
Doctor: Lovely. Before I begin, I just want to let you know that any equipment you got set up in this mine might be destroyed due to my digging. Is that alright?
Mayor: Doctor can do whatever he likes as long as the Splinter goes away.
Doctor: Perfect! Right, Monica! Prepare to get dirty. We got some mining to do!
[The doctor jabs his shovel into the hole and makes it wide enough to get into. He slowly starts digging down for a while trying to not make the mineshaft too claustrophobic]
Doctor: Oy vey this is tiring... Monica!
Monica: Yeah!?
Doctor: I think you can now start making your way down now... I can see a light up ahead!
[He slowly pushes himself forward with the shovel while using it and his hands to slowly make his way torwards the light. He finally reaches it and breaks his head through the dirt to find himself back outside and peaking his head out of the ground right next to the original hole. He looks up at the mayor and Monica as he lets out a nervous laugh]
Doctor: Heh... sorry 'bout that... Oy is it ever disorienting down there... right, anywho, back to digging!
[He goes back to digging downwards for a few seconds until he hits a soft spot in the dirt, causing him to fall into the bigger cavern the mayor told him about. He wipes the dirt off of his face and takes a look around at the cavern which was dark but the light from above shone through some crystal shards in the cave lighting it up. He stood up and looked back up into the hole]
Doctor: Alrighty Monica, it's good! This time for real!
[He hears Monica making grunting and whining noises until she finally falls through the hole onto her back beside the doctor]
Doctor: Welcome *Smiles*!
Monica: *Coughs* Ugh...
Doctor: Don't worry, you'll get used to stuff like this *Helps her up*.
Monica: So this splinter thing... it's in here?
Doctor: I'd assume so. Hm, if up there is the mine entrance... that directly below the town square should be somewhere in that direction. Around that corner over there to be exact.
Monica: So the splinters around the corner?
Doctor: It should be. Doesn't the thought of it give you the chills?
Monica: A little bit...
Doctor: Then let's go take a look at this so called splinter.
[They walk around the corner to see a giant opened cavern. In the center of the cavern was a dark wooden pillar sticking out of the ground and making its way into the ceiling. The pillar had a giant yelow eye with a red iris and a black pupil looking back at the doctor and Monica as the doctor lets out the excited gasp and a giant smile]
Monica: Wh-What the hell is that?!
Doctor: Ohhhh woooow...
Monica: I-I'm guessing th-that's the splinter?
Doctor: Ohhhh yesss!
Monica: Is it a threat?
Doctor: Are you kidding? It's anything like a threat! *Turns to the splinter* Oh, look at you! *Smiles*
Monica: What is it?!
Doctor: That, my lovely lady, is a Boxula!
Monica: A what?!
Doctor: A boxula is a creature who flies around the Karloktos galaxy all year 'round! People gather to watch these guys fly over their planets. *Turns to the Boxula* Ah man, I'm getting jittery feels! I feel like a kid on Christmas! I mean look at you! You're beautiful! ...but what are you doing underground? You're suppose to be in the sky...
[The Boxula's eye dialates and focuses on the doctor. The creature lets out this deep moaning groan]
Doctor: You're stuck?
[The Boxula lets out another moan]
Doctor: You crashed? Wait, you crash landed on this planet?
[The boxula moans]
Doctor: Thirteen thousand years ago?! That was before the Shlamans even existed!
[The boxula moans]
Doctor: And you're trying to break free? Ohhh, that explains why the splinter in the town square is getting bigger! You've been slowly inching your way to the surface to break free ever since you crashed!
[The boxula moans]
Doctor: Of course I'll help you! It's what I do *Grins*.
Monica: So this thing is like... a trapped alien trying to escape?
Doctor: Were you even listening? Of course it is, now c'mon. We gotta' alert the Shlamans about this.
Monica: How are we going to get back up above ground?
Doctor: Well, we can just... hm, that is a good question...
Monica: So we're stuck down here.
Doctor: Um... well, uh... yeah. Y'know, it's times like these where I wish the TARDIS could just come to me with the press of a button.
Monica: Hm... we could dig our way back up...
Doctor: Ugh, I don't like digging.
[Monica gives an annoyed look at him as he gives in and they dig their way back to the surface, this time the hole is beside the hole the doctor previously stuck his head out of]
Doctor: That's it, I'm never touching a shovel again! I got dirt in places that dirt should never be in. *Spits dirt out of his mouth* Blah...
Monica: You said you've been doing this stuff for a long time... do you always complain?
Doctor: Depends on who I am.
Monica: What?
Doctor: We'll get into that later. As for now, we gotta' alert the townsfolk of the Boxula.
[Suddenly the ground starts shaking as the moans of the Boxula can be heard from deep underground]
Monica: What's going on?!
Doctor: I dunno'! I have a sneaking suspision it has something to do with the splinter at town square!
[The doctor and Monica rush back to the town squares to find the splinter has grown and widened since they left and the Shlamans are gathered around it. They start to throw rocks and weapons at it and one Shlaman goes out of his way to set it on fire. Doing this causes the Boxula to moan so loud the ground starts to shake]
Doctor: No! What are you doing! This thing is peaceful! It's trying to escape!
[The shlamans cheer so loudly that they can't hear the doctor. The doctor grabs a nearby bucket, scoops up water with it in a fountain, makes his way through the crowd and puts out the fire on the Boxula's splinter. Doing this causes the townsfolk to quiet down as they all focus on the doctor]
Doctor:What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Shlaman #1: Spinter gets bigger, we scared of splinter!
Shlaman #2: Story says Splinter will rise and eat shlaman babies! Splinter must be destroyed!
Doctor: Nononnononono! The splinter is a Boxula!
Mayor: What is this so called Boxula you speak of?!
Doctor: It's a creature from space the flies around in your galaxy! It's a peaceful little guy that got stuck here before you all were born. He crash landed into your planet and he's been stuck under ground for centuries! Thirteen thousand years later and he's finally managed to wiggle his way to the surface! It's not a threat, I promise!
Mayor: How do you know this?
Doctor: When I wet down into the mine I talked with the Boxula! You guys are hurting the poor thing!
Mayor: I see. But splinter scares Shlaman people.
Doctor: There's nothing to be scared of. Once this guy gets out from underground, it'll leave the Shlamans alone!
Shlaman #1: What do shlamans do?
Doctor: Well... I think we could help this guy get out of here. Everyone grab a shovel and start digging!
Mayor: You heard man! All Shlamans dig out Splinter! Faster we dig. Faster Splinter leaves!
Doctor: Aha! That's the spirit! *Wipes his hands clean* Well then, another deed done. Isn't that perfect Monica?
Monica: Wait a minute, so we're just going to let them dig this thing up without our help?
Doctor: What's wrong with that?
Monica: They're tiny and the Spinter thing is huge! Wouldn't it take forever for them to dig it out?
Doctor: Yeah... you're right... Hm... Oy! I got it!
Monica: What is it?
Doctor: To the TARDIS! C'mon!
[The doctor grabs Monica's hand and rushes to the TARDIS. They enter it and the doctor starts messing with the buttons and dials and pulls a lever that transports the TARDIS back underground to the cavern with the Boxula]
Doctor: I think I should have one last talk with him. I just love these creatures *laughs*.
Monica: So you like giant pillars of wood? *Grins*.
Doctor: Well, they're not made of wood, they live inside the woo- Oy! Get your mind outta' the gutter!
Monica: I'm sorry, but you set yourself up for it.
Doctor: I don't care what I set myself up for, now c'mon.
[They exit the TARDIS as the Boxula's eye dialates and focuses onto the Doctor again]
Doctor: Oy lil' buddy! I brought back some good news. You're going to get out of this planet today!
[The Boxula moans]
Doctor: I'm going to basically hook the top of your box with my TARDIS. That lil' thing will have enough force to pull it out. To be honest I'm sad I didn't think of it sooner. I'm still not used to this new body yet... Hell, I'm still wearing my old outfit... but alas, I'm getting off track.
Monica: So we're basically going to be the Splinters tow truck?
Doctor: Yep, pretty much. Alrighty you beautiful thing, this shouldn't take too long. C'mon Monica! Back into the TARDIS.
Monica: Do you always run back and forth between places?
Doctor: Not when I'm asleep. Which is never!
[The doctor and Monica enter the TARDIS again as the doctor flicks the switches and pushes the buttons on the TARDIS. He pulls the lever as the TARDIS starts to shake and the lights begin to dim]
Doctor: Oy! I got hooked on it!
Monica: What, the splinter?
Doctor: No, my coat got hooked on this stupid switch here! I knew it'd happen some day! Right. Now for the actual towing of the Karloktos Splinter!
[He presses a few more buttons and switches]
Doctor: BAM! The splinter is now attached to the TARDIS.
Monica: *Laughs* Perfect!
Doctor: Now, all I gotta' do is gently pull... this thing... outta' the ground...
[He slowly pulls a lever on the mainframe with the look as if he's putting a lot of strength into pulling it. The lever stops restraining and is finally pulled all the way as the doctor falls on his back. He gets back up and flicks a few more buttons and switches until the TARDIS slowly comes to a halt]
Monica: Is it done? Did we do it?!
Doctor: *Panting and smiling* Heh, go see for yourself
[Monica rushes out of the TARDIS and looks up at the sky to see the giant boxula float in the air. It's shape is rectangular and pointed at the top, while at the bottom there are a bunch of tentacles emerging from the wood. The doctor steps out of the TARDIS and stands next to her as he looks up at it as well with a smile on his face]
Doctor: Such a beautiful creature.
Monica: I guess so... the eye kind of creeps me out.
[The Boxula lets out a few loud echoing moans as the moans slowly start becoming English]
Boxula: Doctor. Many thanks for rescuing me. I shall fly through the galaxy at high speeds once again.
Doctor: Ah, it was nothing really. Just doing what I do!
Boxula: As much as I want to thank you, I also feel very sorry for you?
Doctor: Hm? And why is that?
Boxula: You will know soon enough. As for now, you can take it easy.
Doctor: Oy, if this concerns me I think I should know what it is!
Boxula: *Laughs* Spoilers.
Doctor: What? ... Wait, what?!
[The Boxula takes off into the sky until it's so far away no one can see it anymore]
Doctor: HEY! What do you mean spoilers! What does that mean!?
Monica: It's gone Doctor...
Doctor: *Sighs* ... you're right... Anywho, another deed done *smiles*.
Mayor: *Coughs* Aren't doctor forgetting something?
[He steps to his side showing the Doctor the giant hole the Boxula left in the ground]
Doctor: Yes, a hole! ... what about it?
Mayor: You expect Shlamans to clean it up?
Doctor: Well who else would?
[The Shlamans point their torches and pitchforks at the Doctor and Monica]
Doctor: Monica...
Monica: Yes, Doctor?
Doctor: Run to the TARDIS.
Monica: What?!
Doctor: RUN!
[The two of them run back to the TARDIS as the Shlamans chase behind them throwing spears and pitchforks at them. The Doctor and Monica get inside the TARDIS shutting the doors behind them]
Doctor: Hahaa! That was a close one!
Monica: What if they break in?
[The doors start to shake as the Shlamans bang on the door]
Doctor: Bah, not even a nuclear bomb the size of Texas could do damage to that door.
Monica: So you're just going to leave with them angry because you don't want to fix the hole in their town?
Doctor: Just because I'm a time traveler doesn't mean I have the time to do tedious tasks like clean up a massive hole. Well, I technically do... um. What I'm trying to say is that I just don't want to. Now c'mon, I need to get dressed.
Monica: You're already dressed...
Doctor: Erm, yes. But I'm dressed in old me clothes. Old me was boring. Look at me now! I need a new outfit to reflect myself... one that's casual, but not too casual. One that's... that's... yes! I know what I can wear!
[He runs to the back of the TARDIS out of veiw]
Monica: What do you mean, old you?!
Doctor: Y'see, I'm a Time Lord. A special type of race from my home planet that basically alows me to... well, be a lord of time. We have a way of basically cheating death if we ever die. If I die, I can change my appearance and personality to keep myself alive. I've went through many changes, and many individual lives. I'm looking forward to this one, so many possibilities... god dammit I got the vest on backwards!
Monica: Vest?
[The Doctor comes back into veiw wearing black polished shoes, a pair of blue jeans, a black and white plaid shirt and a black vest over it with golden buttons on it. He combs his hair and throws the comb to the side]
Doctor: How do I look?!
Monica: ...different *Smiles*.
Doctor: Oh! You haven't seen the best part!
[He reaches in his vest pocket and pulls out a pair of black rimmed glasses and puts them on]
Doctor: Heheh, I like these. I used to wear them a while back. Back when I was quite the ladies man I do say so myself *Grins*.
Monica: Do you even need those glasses?
Doctor: Nope. They just make me look smart!
Monica: ...if you say so...
Doctor: So Monica, where to next?
Monica: Oh... um... I can never deside things like this...
Doctor: What's something you've always wanted to do as a kid?
Monica: Hm... well, I was always wanted to eat dozens of containers of icecream without gaining weight.
Doctor: Oh c'mon, everyone wants to do that. Pick something unique.
Monica: Oh! Can we go and see the dinosaurs!
Doctor: Aha! That's more like it! Dinosaurs, magnificent creatures.
[ He Gets up at the TARDIS mainframe and hits a bunch of buttons and switches and pulls the lever as the noise of the TARDIS taking off echoes through the ship]
Monica: Doctor?
Doctor: Yes, Monica?
Monica: I'm not going to get my face ripped off by a dinosaur, am I?
Doctor: Heh, only one way to find out!
[He pulls the lever again as he lets out a small chuckle as the TARDIS makes its way through the Time Vortex onto the next adventure]
END OF EPISODE