Things have gotten intense on NCIS:LA and on Fanfiction, so let's have some fun. Something completely different… romance, undercover, an earwig, and irony: it worked well in the scene with Kensi, Deeks, and Monica, the diamond-stealing club hostess. Here's a change on that formula, set during season 5, but before Joelle. It's actually an update of the balcony scene from Cyrano de Bergerac, the old French play that Steve Martin updated in Roxanne. By the way, an earlier movie made of the play won an Oscar for an actor named…José Ferrer.

Standard disclaimers apply: I don't own NCIS: LA, or Cyrano de Bergerac, or Roxanne.

The team had just settled in for their morning dose of coffee and banter when a whistle pierced the bullpen camaraderie. Once the team had assembled in ops, Nell and Eric began their briefing.

"Meet Viktor Toziakov, former Russian KGB, Putin crony, now on the international watch lists set up during the crisis in the Ukraine."

"His assets are frozen in every bank in the US and Western Europe. Apparently, he'd been enriching himself with the help of the former regime in the Ukraine."

"He's been living at the Biltmore. Yesterday he was seen in the bar there, arguing with José Salinas, who inherited the Juarez drug cartel when his brother was jailed for life."

The significance of the connection spread over the room like a pall. Deeks broke the silence. "Can anyone think of anything good that could come of a meeting between a drug lord and a Russian mobster?"

Hetty arrived just as they were contemplating the last time they'd seen meetings like that. "Neither can the NSA, Detective. That's why we've been asked to investigate."

After a little more discussion, Callen divided up the tasks. "Okay. Kensi, Deeks: Visit the hotel and see what they remember there. Sam and I will check in with Arkady Kolchek."

…

By late afternoon, the team had exhausted all their leads and had reassembled in Ops.

Nell led off. "I've checked security cameras. There was only one other person in the bar when the argument happened, an astronomer named Roxanne Smithson, in town for a meeting of the Planet Association at Cal Tech."

"It would be great to find out what she heard, but how?" Kensi wondered aloud. "It's not like Deeks and I could mosey back in there again and start asking questions: we'd be recognized."

Hetty followed up, but it sounded as much like she was springing the trap. "Absolutely right, Ms. Blye. This requires a more subtle approach—more velvet glove than iron fist. Dr. Smithson is single, unattached, and headed back to the bar as we speak, Mr. Callen. You'll be charged with charming her out of the bar, so we can interview her about the argument. We've reserved a room at the Biltmore in your name…well that of your alias."

Callen summarized, "I don't like the plan, but it's the best we've got. Sam, I'll get her up to the room, and then we can all interview her there. Kensi, Deeks: wait here, you can monitor via the hotel's security cam and the earwig."

Eric followed Callen to the parking lot, handing him a new wallet as they went. "Your alias is Dino Valette, army reservist and fire safety engineer."

…

As the charger sped toward the hotel, Agent Hanna placed a call to the ops center. "It seems like Callen has gotten cold feet about this. Can I get some help bracing him up?"

Deeks smirked at the speakerphone. "Are you saying our fearless leader has suddenly gotten nervous about interviewing this not-so-dangerous witness?"

"I told you, G., just turn on the charm. Come out of your shell, then let those baby blues do the work for you."

When Callen asked, "What, are you flirting with me, Sam?" all he got was a growl from the burly former SEAL.

Deeks cut in. "It says here that Smithson is a Virgo. That's why I made Nell put Dino's birthday in March. That way he's a Pisces, and it's a good match for her."

Kensi's swat was enough to wipe the smirk off his face. "That's astrology, you goof. She's an astronomer, which is completely different. Astrology is just old wives tales cobbled together to make up column-inches in the newspaper."

"Oh, yeah? Well then why do your Taurus plus my Capricorn make such an awesome team?"

"That's 'cause I have the patience of a saint. It has nothing to do with some friggin' bull made out of stars."

"No, it's cause I bring you donuts and candy bars. Astrology also says we'd have the greatest little mutant ninja assassin kids."

"Deeks, any kid of yours would just be a mutant."

Sam cut in. "Time to focus guys. You two can flirt later, not on company time."

"Eric, any hints for me? Any pickup lines that work on the science crowd?"

Eric blushed and stole a peek over at Nell. "None that I'd know."

"What, they never worked for you?" Nell asked.

"No, I never had the nerve to try 'em."

Deeks, still cringing from Kensi's latest rebuke, stepped up to the rescue. "Maybe we could benefit from Nell's perspective." As he said the pronoun, he had surreptitiously bumped Eric on the shoulder.

Nell stepped closer to the speaker, forcing all her attention there, so none was left for the tall, bespectacled surfer beside her. "Well, I'd say it'll be a challenge for you. Smart girls just don't fall for pickup lines. It's more a matter of honesty, shared experience, mutual respect. But sooner or later, you'll need to take the lead."

You could almost hear Callen's sarcastic eye-roll over the speakerphone. "Wow! Thanks for the help, Nell. That'll only make it more difficult."

"And it better be sooner than later, G. I've gotta' be home for my daughter's school concert."

Deeks cut in. "My perspective is, that it's not so much you that needs to be open, but Dino that does. Take a few minutes to create a backstory, not of the factual stuff—the wonder twins took care of that—but of the emotional side. Was Dino just hurt in a breakup? Can't stay in a relationship 'cause he's always traveling? Keep it close to your own story, but adjust it for maximum effect, maybe even on the fly. That stuff doesn't need to hold together more than an hour."

That earned him another swat from his partner: "Spoken like a true pickup artist, Deeks- or should I say 'Pinochhio?' How many busty barmaids has that attitude worked on?" she asked, popping her b's.

"Hey! Ouch!"

Sam cut them off again. "Time's up, team. We just pulled up to the hotel. It's showtime."

AN2: Could I get some help here? Via reviews or PM's, send me your prompts and suggestions for events/lines while Callen's in the bar. You've got the idea of where this is going. (But let's keep it T rated!)