Some explanation:
This story was originally a one-shot. When I decided to write more based on a few reviews asking for more, I had no idea what direction the story would take or what would happen next or even how it will end (that one is still up in the air.) I've never written Vampire Diaries fanfiction before, except for one Klaroline drabble I did. So my grasp on the characters is pretty loose and I am still pretty unsure how to write them in many scenarios. For those who have enjoyed it, I'm glad, even though I'm sure I'm not doing the characters justice. For those who have been left displeased, I'm sorry if you've been disappointed, but honestly, I'm not trying to live up to anyone's expectations here. The one-shot was a little idea I had that I honestly wrote for me, and while following chapters were for the readers, I have returned to writing for me again because I am enjoying this story and how it has turned out.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't expect much from me. I'm writing up ideas I've come up with and had help with and a lot of it is just a broken mess of thoughts that I'm trying to jam in here. If you enjoy it, cool, if not, sorry.
One last thing: sorry about the wait. I'm back at my university and usually write best when I'm alone and it's late and that hasn't really been happening too often. I will try to have the story finished by October 11th but don't hold me to that. Thanks for sticking around guys, your support means everything.
Enjoy!
xx
She had heard a theory once. An explanation for life, the universe, existence. An idea that a person lived out multiple lives through the choices they made. For every decision someone made, another world was created for the choice they could have made, setting off a whole other chain of events for what could have been, had they picked differently. Caroline didn't think anything of this theory, of course; it was too sci-fi for her taste, plus the whole idea was a little too mind-blowing to put too much thought into it. But it was an idea that would reemerge every now and then and left her dwelling on the what ifs.
What if she and Matt hadn't ridden home with Tyler that night, the one that landed her in the hospital and resulted in Damon's blood getting in her system, followed by Katherine smothering her? What if Caroline had just walked home, returned safe and sound, and vampires and werewolves never revealed themselves to her? What if she aged out of her filler year, graduated, and went to college? Became a journalist, maybe moved back to Mystic Falls? Who knows, she could have married Matt, and she could be 28 with a kid on the way. That life, though undeniably boring to its alternative, is something Caroline longs for, in a way. It's all so simple. A simple, human life. She'd have a couple of kids, grow up, retire. Die old, maybe in her late 80s, peacefully. A short life, in retrospect. But isn't that why humans are so special, so valuable? Because they have an expiration date?
What if she stayed until Klaus returned? Remained with him, allowed him to keep up the world tour. Maybe she'd just keep losing herself. Feed from humans because that's the natural way of things. Let him drive her further and further away from her humanity. Allow herself to be driven.
But of course she can't stay, so she leaves. She looks for an excuse as to why the tears come but can't come up with a good enough one. And so Caroline cries on her flight to New York, mind dwelling on Klaus revealing the view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower to her, eyes shining and a smile playing on his lips, or pointing out a sari in Mumbai that is just her color, or laughing as she prods at haggis with her fork in Glasgow.
As tempting as it is, Caroline decides against returning to Mystic Falls to see her mother, positive the town will have rallied to greet her with torches and pitchforks. She decides to call Bonnie, because Caroline needs a voice of reason more than anything right now. She answers after the first ring.
"Caroline?" Bonnie says frantically, worry clear in her voice.
"Hey, Bon," Caroline breathes, bracing herself. She's standing in the lobby of JFK, suitcase in hand and feeling wholly lost.
"Where are you?" Bonnie asks, the panic easing out of her voice.
"New York," Caroline glances around. "JFK, actually. Not really sure what to do with myself."
"Are you not with Klaus anymore?" Caroline doesn't miss the way Bonnie's voice tightens at his name.
"Nope, I left." She's being vague, of course, but it's an explanation she'd rather have in person.
"He let you leave?!" Bonnie sounds almost as surprised as Caroline had felt.
"Yeah, he did." Caroline pauses, looking down at her feet. "It's a long story, Bonnie, but I want to see you. Are you still in Salem?" Bonnie had gone there last year, desperate to dig up some history on her family and hoping to discover some of their grimoires.
"Yeah. You gonna come up?"
"If I'm welcome." Caroline smiles to herself.
"Of course, Caroline. I'll text you my address. You got a car?"
"I'll rent one, I guess." Caroline stops. "It's good to hear your voice, Bonnie."
"Yours too." Bonnie lets out a breath. "Are you sure you're ok, Caroline?"
Caroline looks up, staring over the many faces in the airport terminal. The smell of their blood, mixed together with their different scents, hangs in the air. As she concentrates on it, her mouth waters. "Yeah, Bonnie. I'm fine." She closes her eyes and swallows. "I'll see you soon, ok?"
"Alright." Bonnie still sounds unsure. "Bye, Caroline."
"Bye, Bonnie."
Caroline rents a car and drives into the night, a cooler of blood bags picked up from a hospital and a one-hit wonder CD from the 90s keeping her company. She focuses on the road and keeps her thoughts from what Klaus is doing, where he is, if maybe he's following her right now. The drive from New York to Salem isn't too long and eventually she's pulling into an apartment complex, Bonnie standing on the third floor balcony to greet her.
They haven't seen one another in almost five years and the time is evident on Bonnie's matured face. She's aged, become a woman Caroline never will, filled out and taller. When they embrace, Caroline longs for the hold of Bonnie's seventeen-year-old self, feeling only the smallest pang of envy for her mortality. Bonnie smiles at Caroline as they pull away, affectionately brushing her bangs from her eyes, the action almost motherly. "You have some explaining to do," Bonnie says, raising an eyebrow at Caroline, who lets out a shaky laugh.
"Well I hope you have a lot of free time."
Bonnie's apartment is littered with files and spell books, unlit candles occupying any empty space between. "Fire hazard, much?" Caroline jokes and Bonnie smiles, rolling her eyes. A large map of the United States is taped to a wall, sporadically marked with red dots, predominantly on the east coast with a few stragglers here and there going west. When Caroline raises an eyebrow at this, Bonnie holds up one of the files by way of explanation. "I've been tracking down other witches and warlocks," she explains, flipping through the file. It's filled with legal documents pertaining to one Eva Larson, her picture pinned at the corner.
"Kinda creepy, Bon," Caroline says, flicking through another file.
"I figure the only way for me to grow is through contact with others at this point. I've memorized practically all of the grimoires in my possession." Bonnie says this as though it isn't an impressive feat, while Caroline's eyes grow large.
"You need a boyfriend, Bonnie," Caroline teases, setting the file back down neatly on its pile.
"Oh, I have one of those," Bonnie smiles, eyes going soft. "He's in Georgia now, though. I would have loved you two to meet."
"Is he a warlock?" Caroline asks.
"Yep. He tracked me down, actually."
"Well I hope he's not only in it for that valued Bennett bloodline," Caroline jokes and Bonnie shakes her head, smiling to herself.
Bonnie makes tea for the two of them, clearing off her couch of any spell books and inviting Caroline to sit. Caroline's grateful for the mug of tea, glad to have something to busy her hands with as she recounts the past four months in, what Bonnie will be sure to demand, excruciating detail. When Bonnie hands Caroline her mug, she takes a large gulp from it, her nerves only slightly calmed. Bonnie sits on the other end of the couch, tucking her feet under her and turning towards Caroline. They watch each other as they sip until, finally, Bonnie lets out a sigh.
"So how much prying am I going to have to do to get it out of you?" She says, quirking an eyebrow. Caroline smiles, eyes falling to her mug.
"I only have one request," Caroline says, looking back up at Bonnie. "Just let me get the whole thing out in one fell swoop, no interruptions. Please?"
Bonnie lets out another sigh, bracing herself. "Alright, Caroline."
"Ok…" Caroline trails off, looking back down into her tea. She sighs, closes her eyes, and begins. She holds nothing back from Bonnie, detailing key moments, beginning with Mystic Falls. Caroline finds herself on the verge of tears as she recounts the night in the gymnasium, Klaus slaughtering each and every one of her captors one by one, as she lay helplessly on the floor, drugged and injured. She struggles to explain the night in London, hating admitting to Bonnie of all people that she came so close to feeding from the girl that night. She trips over her explanation as to why she remained with Klaus following that night, embarrassment washing over her as she gives Bonnie her more narcissistic reasoning's. She glad to arrive at the first night in Dublin, where Klaus proved that he'd always be there to protect her, but she doesn't miss the way Bonnie's lips purse at this, obviously not buying the whole hero act. She flicks between the time of peace in the trip, giving hurried explanations of each country and city they visited, sharing with Bonnie moments of almost normalcy she had with Klaus, moments that made her believe that maybe he wasn't the psycho killer she originally took him for. The events of Cairo, as Caroline recounts them, seem so long ago, and Caroline describes it as the turning point in the trip, when she finally decided that yes, she'd have to leave Klaus. When she reaches Tokyo she stops, tempted to dismiss the final week she was with Klaus.
Bonnie senses her hesitation. "What happened next, Caroline?" She offers.
Caroline fiddles with her empty mug. "Can I say first that I'm sorry?" But will Bonnie be able to forgive her? That's always been her biggest problems with vampires, the collateral damage that is done by their very existence. She thinks of the night of the carnival, feeding from that man, killing that man. How Bonnie looked at her as though she had no idea who Caroline was, the disgust and fear that clouded her face. Caroline had been so sure that Bonnie would never forgive her then, a newly born vampire who had no one to teach her how to survive her new life. Bonnie had forgiven her a long time ago, because she understood that Caroline hadn't been able to help herself, that she was terrified and lost. But could she forgive Caroline now, ten years later without a single incident?
Bonnie presses her mouth into a hard line. "What happened, Caroline?" She repeats, but her tone is steely as though she's already guessed what happened.
"We went to Tokyo next," Caroline begins, unable to meet Bonnie's eyes. "I got drunk alone and when Klaus did return, well…" She feels her face going hot. "I almost kissed him but that isn't what I'm apologizing for," she says quickly, missing the way Bonnie's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "The next morning when I woke up…I was so hungry, Bonnie, and hung over, and we were out of blood bags. When I went to Klaus's room to tell him…" Caroline stops again, gritting her teeth and closing her eyes.
Bonnie's hand is on Caroline's shoulder in a moment. "Go on," she says gently. Caroline opens her eyes and meets Bonnie's.
"He had a human in there with him, feeding from her. A hotel maid. She couldn't have been older than twenty." Humanize her, Caroline, show that she wasn't just a meal. "Klaus…he told her to let me feed from her, to offer herself. I was in control until she was right in front of me, and her neck was bleeding, and I was so hungry…" Bonnie's hand slides off Caroline's shoulder and she looks away, turning from Caroline.
Caroline thinks of the first morning in London with Klaus, after he had returned with blood bags for Caroline and she had stupidly asked why he wasn't eating with her. "I ate while I was out," he had said and Caroline had been so revolted. "I didn't kill her, if that changes anything…"
It hadn't at the time, but now Caroline wants so desperately for Bonnie to understand why that does change something. But she knows she'd just be trying to make excuses for herself. She grabs Bonnie's hand.
"I stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing, Bonnie, honestly," Caroline pleads, ducking her head to try and get Bonnie to look at her. "And I hate myself for it, you know I do. You know I would never do that under normal circumstances." Bonnie shoots her a glare but remains silent. Caroline lets go of her hand, looking away from Bonnie. "I was furious with Klaus," she continues. "He said he was just testing me, but he wanted me to drink from her, I know he did." Bonnie snorts at this and Caroline flinches as though she's been struck. "It was after that that I knew I had to leave, definitely and one hundred percent."
"How did you manage to get away?" Bonnie asks now, still not looking at Caroline.
"We were in Rome after Tokyo. I tried to sneak away but he found me packing to leave." Caroline stops again, biting her lip. "He was going to compel me to stay, Bonnie," she shakes her head. "And I was so sure he was going to, but…something changed and he didn't."
Bonnie raises her eyebrows and finally looks at Caroline. "Something changed?"
Caroline grinds her teeth together. "Yeah," she decides she can't tell Bonnie about the kiss. She still isn't forgiven for feeding from the girl in Japan. "He let me go. Told me to leave before he changed his mind." Bonnie nods, as though that sounds more like the Klaus she remembers. Caroline lets out a sigh. "And now I'm here."
They sit in silence for a long moment, Bonnie taking the time to digest. Caroline checks the clock and realizes she's been talking for two hours, the night reaching its later hours. Bonnie remains stationary, looking ahead and clutching her mug. Caroline fidgets. "Please say something, Bonnie."
"Do you love him?" Bonnie questions, still looking forward.
Caroline stares at her, chewing the inside of her cheek. This question seemed to be haunting her, and she wasn't sure she was ready to face it yet. The kiss she shared with Klaus is still fresh in her mind, her tongue sliding over her bottom lip as she remembers it. It was a moment of weakness, pent up frustration finally bursting out of her, at the completely wrong time. But she had been so willing, in that moment. So willing to give herself up to Klaus. She had told herself she could love Klaus before, and now, knowing that he would let her be free, that possibility is becoming more and more real. Caroline doesn't miss the way her heart seems to clench as thoughts of him flood her.
"I don't know," Caroline finally says, weakly. She looks at her hands. "I don't know, Bonnie."
Bonnie tenses, eyes flying to Caroline now. "What do you want me to tell you, Caroline? Why come here and see me, and tell me all this? What do you want me to say?" Her voice is harsh.
"I don't know, Bonnie!" Caroline cries, looking up to meet her gaze. She takes Bonnie's hands in hers again. "I don't want you to say anything, I just…I needed a voice of reason."
Bonnie looks away again, glaring, but holds on to Caroline's hands. "He's a monster, Caroline."
"I know," she replies quietly.
"All the people he's hurt, killed…people you care about."
"I know, Bonnie." Caroline closes her eyes.
Bonnie says nothing for a long moment before turning back to Caroline. "But he did save your life, what, three times now?" Bonnie chews the inside of her cheek. "So I guess I owe him that," she spits out finally. Caroline looks at her in surprise. Bonnie sighs, shaking her head. "I'm not the one who can give you advice on this, Care," Bonnie admits. "I'm not going to live forever and I can't offer you an objective point of view," she pauses. "I'm going to hate Klaus until the day I die, Caroline." Bonnie looks Caroline squarely in the eye. "But I wouldn't hate you, no matter what happens. I never could."
Caroline's brow knits as tears start to spill from her eyes. She throws her arms around Bonnie, who returns the embrace. "I'm so sorry, Bonnie," she says.
"It's ok, Caroline," Bonnie replies softly, stroking Caroline's hair. They remain in each other's embrace until Caroline stops crying, pulling away to wipe any stray tears from her eyes. "What are you going to do now?" Bonnie questions.
"I don't know," Caroline says, sighing. "I think maybe I need to go see Stefan."
"Not Elena?" Bonnie asks, confused and a little surprised.
Caroline shakes her head. "Not Elena. Not yet, anyway. She would never forgive me."
"That's not true, Caroline," Bonnie chides, pursing her lips at her.
"You're probably right," Caroline rubs her hands over her face, exhaustion finally seizing her. "But Stefan first. If anyone can help me, it's going to be Stefan."
Bonnie smiles. "You're right about that."
"Can I crash here for the night?" Caroline asks, already kicking off her shoes.
"Couch is all yours," Bonnie says, standing. She stretches, stiff from sitting for so long, and yawns. "Goodnight, Caroline."
"Goodnight, Bonnie. I'll see you in the morning." It feels good, saying those words to Bonnie again after so long. Caroline wants to kick herself for falling out of contact with her for so long, promising to make the most of the time she and Bonnie have left together.
Bonnie goes to bed, leaving Caroline in the living room alone. She stretches out on the couch and sips on a blood bag, staring at the ceiling. Out of habit, she checks her phone for any messages or missed calls, greeted with none. She scrolls through her contact list, intending on messaging Stefan to find out where he is, but finds Klaus's name first. He had given her his number while they had been in New York, instructing her to call him if ever they were separated and she found herself lost. A silly precaution, of course, as the two spent almost all their time together, but a thoughtful one.
Caroline stares at his name, thumb hovering over the 'call' button. She swallows, eyes going out of focus as she looks unblinkingly at his name. Klaus.
She throws her phone across the room, landing with a clatter on the carpet. Caroline throws her blanket over her head, trying, and failing, to fall asleep.
xx
-Reels