Wow! You guys are great! Two reviews, five favorites, and six followers! :) Thank you so much! Blueturtlepower4ever, I'm glad you like it so far. Dondena, I agree with you, Leo really was angry for a while there. Yukio87, dondena, Turtle Lover101, Belle the dragon, and AgirlKILLEDu14, thank you for favoriting. Yukio87, blueturtlepower4ever, Turtle Lover101, Nancy2013, Insanity21, and AgirlKILLEDu14, thank you for following the story. The one-shot in the first chapter I wrote as sort of a prologue, showing what's to come, so I hope you like the real thing! Reviews would be helpful! By the way, this might get violent and/or angsty, so be warned. Also, I've decided to change the name to Perfection. Hope you enjoy!
Really, it didn't matter. And Leo knew that it didn't matter. However, he lived by rules of organization, and in his mind, everything had to be organized perfectly. This is how he came to be color-coding his bookshelf at one o clock in the morning.
Yawning, the blue-banded turtle sorted all the orange books into a pile before setting them aside. Was color-coding really the best way to go about it? Or did he have to alphabetize it? Maybe he should sort them by size. The big books could go on the last shelf, and-
"What the heck are ya doin?" grunted a voice near the door.
Leo stood and whirled around, finding Raph leaning against the doorway. All the turtles' doors seemed to reflect their personalities- Raph's was old and falling apart from being slammed in anger so much. Donnie's door creaked every time it opened from lack of use- he always shut himself in his room for hours on end, thinking about who knows what. Mikey's door- well, it was hard to tell Mikey even had a door. Every inch of it was covered with posters from rock bands, TV shows, movies, and lots of other things that Leo failed to recognize. (Including, at one point, a poster of a scantily clad girl that Master Splinter had ordered him to take down immediately. Leo had a secret suspicion that it was in the back of Mikey's closet.) Leo's door was a pure white color, free of any scratches or marks. It made no sound when it opened, nor did it resist movement. Leo couldn't help gritting his teeth as he noticed that Raph was twirling his sai dangerously close to his perfect door.
"Leo?"
"Hm?" Leo silently willed Raph to put away his weapon.
"Hey, Earth to Leo. I just got back from Casey's. What are ya still doin' up?"
"Just got back from Casey's?" Leo was dismayed. "I thought you had gotten back hours ago! You're supposed to be in bed!"
"So are you." Raph's eyes narrowed as he surveyed the leader in blue. "Leo, you've been acting funny lately."
Leo's mind whirled. He had been acting funny lately- Raph was right. First of all, he'd been quiet more and more often; second of all, he had been meditating more than he had been training; third of all, he was becoming a clean freak. Everything had to be in its proper place. Leo had decided that along with controlling his emotions, he could control his surroundings, as well. In fact, it was easier to control his surroundings. Maybe he had begun cleaning to get away from his constant vigilance over his feelings? Either way, it gave him power, which he liked. A lot.
"Yo, Leo! Ya deaf or what?"
Leo shook himself awake. "No, Raph, my hearing is perfectly fine. I suppose I've been acting a little differently, yes."
"Ya suppose? Leo, you're organizing your bookshelf at one AM."
"It was messy." That, at least, was true. Leo's room was perfectly impeccable, except for his bookshelf. It had always been that way. It had been that way for as long as Leo could remember. Then, as he lay in bed a couple hours ago, he happened to glance over and see it. It bothered him to no end, until finally he roused himself so he could get up and fix it.
"Heck, Leo, it's always been messy. What did you expect?" Raph threw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm just tryin' ta say that ya ain't the same! You're a firm believer in a good night's sleep, ain't cha?"
"Yes," replied Leo nervously. Why was Raph being so insistent? Honestly, he was almost there- he was almost truly perfect! He could feel it, he could just feel it! If one of his brothers- or, God forbid Master Splinter- found out that he was falling apart, then they might ruin it for him. Fear flooded his veins.
Raph narrowed his eyes again. "So what are ya doin up?"
"Raph, everyone has trouble sleeping now and then."
"You haven't."
Raph had a point. All the of Leo's brother's had had trouble sleeping at some point- Raph, because of his constant vigilante antics with Casey; Donnie, because he was trying to get yet another experiment done and it continued to plague his mind when he tried to go to bed; and of course Mikey, who often got so jacked up on sugar he would be bouncing off the walls. But Leo had never tried to go to sleep only to find rest impossible. No, he never struggled with insomnia, or nightmares, or any other sleeping issues. The only reason he was awake now was because he had forced himself to be awake. While Leo struggled with a reply that would leave Raph satisfied and possibly forget about the whole encounter, Raph went on to say:
"Oh, well, I guess there's a first fer everythin'. Tough luck, Fearless. You'll most likely be able to get to sleep tomorrow night, though. Good night."
"Good night, Raph. Thanks," Leo called as his brother left. The 'thanks' might have been interpreted as 'thanks for the talk' but really it meant 'thanks for not prodding me.'
Leo swallowed as he turned back to the bookshelf. Perfection- why was he so obsessed with it? Perfection wasn't a virtue- far from it. Wishing for perfection was like wishing for the impossible, which, Leo reminded himself, was a vice. Leo smiled to himself as he took into account that he wasn't wishing for perfection- he was acting towards perfection. By making sure his feelings stayed concealed and his leadership prevailed, he was becoming the best he could possibly be. Perfection could be achieved, and he was determined to become living proof.
Now, back to his bookshelf. Leo let his gaze travel all the different books that lay before him. Color-coding? Alphabetizing by the author's last name? What about by the book's title? Or what about size?
Suddenly, Leo felt dizzy. His head pounded, and he felt himself fall to the ground, fighting the sensation all the while.
Blood. It was everywhere. New York City was covered in blood. Gasping and sputtering, Leo ran, ran for his life, questioning all the while what he was running from. He glanced behind him- nothing. Not even his brothers. Where were they? Fear took over Leo and forced him to run faster.
"Raph! Don! Mikey!" he called.
Skidding to a stop on the roof of a hotel, Leo paused and looked over the streets. Dead bodies. Smashed cars. And that disgusting red substance. Every living thing was gone. Just… gone.
Internally, Leo screamed. On the outside, he betrayed no emotion, trying to remain calm.
"Raph! Don! Mikey! Where are you?" he shouted, as loudly as he possibly could.
Tears built up in his eyes. Leo blinked them away, irritated. It had been years since he cried, and he wouldn't let it happen, not here, not now.
"Master Splinter?" whispered Leo finally, scared to death. Everything was unnaturally and eerily quiet. Suddenly he got the urge to turn around. Unsheathing a katana, he acted on it, spinning around flawlessly.
What met his eyes was worse than any horror movie.
His brothers lay, dead, just a few feet from him. Raph had blood pouring out of a puncture on his throat, and it trickled down his body onto Don's head, which had become separated from his body. Mikey- oh poor, innocent Mikey- lay quietly, no blood trickling off of him, just- dead.
Leo felt nothing for a minute, except maybe disgust that Donnie's head wasn't attached to his body. Then, it came. The dam broke. Leo screamed, the loudest, most dramatic scream he had ever heard, as he sank to the ground. Every little emotion that was bottled up over the years- it had to come out. It just had to.
While that scream took a bit off his shoulders, Leo had to do something drastic. Standing up, he unsheathed his other katana, and he swung them both in the air at an invisible enemy, still yelling at the top of his lungs.
After doing every single move he knew and then some, Leo threw his katanas off the building violently. He didn't turn around to see his brothers again. Instead, he closed his eyes and felt himself shaking. Suddenly, he heard a voice.
"Leo, you've failed us."
It was Raph's voice, but deeper, darker. Don's voice joined in.
"You could have saved us, Leo. Where were you? We needed you."
Finally, Mikey joined in. "Leo, you're nothing but a failure and a sorry excuse for honor."
Then, all the voices joined in one chant- "You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed."
Leo jerked awake, his mouth open in a silent scream, and rubbed his head.
"It was a dream," he informed the books around him, who seemed to be disinclined to respond. "It was a dream… they're all safe. I haven't failed. New York is safe. Nobody's dead."
Sighing in relief, Leo sat up and looked at the clock. Seven AM. He'd slept in.
Standing up, Leo put a hand on the bookshelf for support. It was empty, since all the books were on the floor. Right. The floor. Leo winced as he rolled his shoulders and let his sore muscles work themselves. He hadn't chosen the best place to sleep.
Leo glanced over at his door. "Oh, no," he muttered to himself. The door had been open all night- Master Splinter had probably gone to see why Leo wasn't up early practicing, and found him on the floor among all his books… If there was one thing Leo couldn't stand, it was not living up to Master Splinter's expectations.
Leonardo peeked out of his door, glancing down the hall at the dojo. Surprised to find it empty, he ventured out of his room, only to find nobody waiting for him. Frowning, he hurried to the kitchen.
The kitchen was a disaster that particular morning. Mikey had spilled about half a carton of milk, and now he was reclining leisurely in his chair while Raph, cursing strongly, was using the roll of paper towels that Donnie was holding to wipe it up. Aside from that, there was a much smaller coffee spill on the counter from Don that no one had bothered to clean up, and someone had spilled all the raison bran into the sink.
"Hey there, Leo!" cried Mikey cheerfully, waving to his oldest brother. "I have nothing to do with that mess over there!"
Despite himself, Leo felt a fond smile creep onto his features. What would he do without his brothers? He was especially happy that they weren't dead, as his dream had depicted them. However, he needed to be stern for Mikey.
"Mikey, how many times have I told you to be careful with the milk?" Leo asked.
"Uh…" Mikey started counting on his fingers.
"Eleven and counting," said Donnie promptly. Raph rolled his eyes and continued cursing under his breath.
"Mikey, you clean up the sink. Donnie, you can use some of those paper towels for that coffee spill over there. Raph, hand me a couple of those napkins, I'll help you with the milk." As Leo issued these commands, he pointed at the brother he was addressing, and then at the corresponding mess. With reluctant sighs, the three turtles did their brother's bidding.
"Manage ta get to sleep?" asked Raph quietly as Leo bent down to help him.
"Yes," said Leo, a little too quickly.
"I saw ya, Fearless. You were, like, passed out. I don't know what ta tell ya, but there's somethin' wrong with ya." And Raph truly believed what he was saying. He was worried for his brother's sake- and considering that brother was Leo, then this was something very rare indeed.
"Raph, please." Leo summoned a smile to help convince Raph. "I'm fine, I promise. I've been feeling a little off lately, but it'll go away in a while."
Raph eyed him. "Are you sure?"
Leo had no choice but to look away and pretend to be very concerned with the milk. "Of course I'm sure."
"Dudes, hurry! I just heard Splinter's door opening!" cried Mikey, throwing the last of the cereal into the trash can.
Donnie, who had already finished with the coffee, helped Raph and Leo throw away the used paper towels from the Great Milk Spill. Leo was sure that this would go down in history, along with the Great Cheetos Spill and the Great Apple Cider Spill.
Fortunately, by the time Master Splinter strolled in, his sons were all sitting at the table and eating their various breakfasts (two pop tarts and a bowl of sugary cereal for Mikey, a quick waffle without the maple syrup for Raph, a cup of coffee for Donnie, and some yogurt and a piece of toast for Leo).
"Good morning, my sons," Splinter greeted them. "I trust you all slept well?"
This was met by a chorus of 'yes' from Raph, Don, and Mikey. Raph, of course, hadn't slept well due to being out with Casey half the night, but he always lied to Splinter. Leo had never lied to Splinter- ever.
"Mine could have been better, Master," Leo admitted, digging a spoon into his yogurt.
"Leonardo. You have never had trouble sleeping before. Is there a problem?"
"No, Master Splinter. I'm fine." Right after Leo said this, Raph snorted in a disbelieving manner, shoving the rest of his waffle into his mouth. Splinter raised his eyebrows as he set about making his morning tea, but made no comment. Leo shot Raph a glare.
Leo had only one thought. He had to get out of there before Raph revealed anything else about the true happenings of last night.
"Master Splinter, would you mind if I went to April's for the morning?" asked Leo.
The rat turned and gave his son a skeptical look. "What for, Leonardo?"
"I…" Clearly, Leo should have thought this out better. "I just saw these two weird looking guys outside her place last night when I was on patrol. They went right past her house, but I want to make sure she's alright."
Splinter nodded. "Very well. Training has been cancelled today."
Raph gave a fist pump, Don broke into a grin, and Mikey jumped up and cheered, knocking his cereal bowl over in the process.
Before giving Mikey a stern look, Leo turned to Splinter. "Why, Sensei?"
"You have been pressuring yourself lately, Leonardo. I want you to take a break," replied the rat. "Please, rest. Meditate. Do whatever you like, but training is cancelled."
"Yes, Master Splinter." Leo bowed his head obediently. "I'm leaving now."
"Very well. Be careful. Do not be spotted."
"Yes, Sensei." Simple orders. Child's play. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Leonardo."
"Later, dude!" called Mikey, who was wiping up the most recent spill.
Raph, however, gave Leo a soul-searching look. Leo gulped and couldn't help trembling slightly under his gaze, before he departed, eager for a break from his family.
Ten minutes later, he was in April's living room as she prepared tea for him in the kitchen. Leo had already interrogated her about the weird looking guys- he hadn't made that up- and they were now onto more cheerful topics.
"So is he moving here or are you moving there?" Leo asked. 'He' was Casey, who had finally decided to ask April to live with him.
"I'm moving to his apartment," she answered happily as she came in with their cups and handed one to Leo. "It's just so wonderful, Leo!"
Leo smiled. It was nice to see April happy like this. She truly loved Casey. Thinking back to Donnie's brief crush on her, he was glad that his brother had gotten over that quickly.
"So…" Leo knew he was going into sensitive waters. "Are you two going to get married, or…"
April's smile faded, and Leo cursed himself. "I… I asked him that…"
"And?"
"He said not anytime soon." She frowned pensively into her tea, worry invading her features. "Oh, well. I mean, I love him, he loves me, and we're going to be living together. That's all that matters." She forced a happy expression onto her face.
Leo smiled too, although his was just as forced. "I… had a weird dream last night. I hope you can tell me if it means anything."
April, who was not used to Leo opening up to her like this, paused hesitantly. "Well, of course!" she said. She was so used to Leo guarding himself that she treasured these rare moments where he would let her see a hidden part of his life.
"I…" Where to begin? The ticking of the clock in the background became more prominent. "I was… running…"
"Mm-hmm, and?"
"On the rooftops…" Leo's hand clenched over the arm of the chair he was in.
April frowned. So far, she wasn't getting anywhere.
"And?" she prodded.
Leo looked up, startled, as though he had forgotten she was there. "And… the whole city was covered in blood and dead bodies."
April gasped. How could such a heroic and gentle person- well, turtle- like Leo conjured up such images?
"I stopped on the roof of a hotel…" The darn clock was messing with Leo's thoughts! "My brothers were dead… they told me I failed them and that I could have saved him."
This last sentence had a certain amount of finality in it. April ventured on to say, "And then you woke up? Was that the whole dream?"
"Yes," said Leo firmly, running his finger along the rim of his tea cup.
April blinked. What a violent dream! From Raph, she wouldn't be surprised. But Leo? No wonder he was feeling a little down!
"It's okay, Leo," she soothed. "We can't help what we dream."
"But what does it mean?" Leo's eyes held fear and only fear- April was really surprised. Leo had never been this open with her.
"It means you fear failure too much," she explained calmly, putting a comforting hand on Leo's arm. "Relax. You know that would never happen."
Leo closed his eyes. "Thank you, April."
"Would you like to stay a bit longer?" she asked gently.
"Yes, please. Here, I'm done." He handed her his empty tea cup, and she took it.
"I'm going to clean the dishes. I'll be back in ten minutes. You can wait here. Oh, Leo, don't look at the computer, please." With this, she turned and disappeared into the kitchen.
Leo leaned back. A simple order. Another thing that he could easily follow.
I wonder what it's like to not follow an order?
Leo had never done anything like that before. But the more he thought about it, the more he grew seduced by it. What was it like to disobey a direct order?
Glancing at the door, Leo crept over to the laptop and opened the lid. Porn! April, watching porn! Shocked, he was frozen in place for a minute, before closing the lid. Yikes. Did everybody he knew have a secret life? April's secret was porn, his secret was his obsession with perfection…
Suddenly, a burning addiction took over him. It felt good to disobey an order! He pushed the feeling away, only to have it stubbornly return. Walking stealthily back to the couch, his heart raced from the fear of getting caught- and he loved it. He wanted more.
Scared at this new desire, he glanced toward the kitchen door, which hadn't yet opened. Did April give him any other orders before he left? Racking his brain, he drew a blank. Oh, well. He tried to calm the desire, but it simply flared up again. What was wrong with him?
April opened the door, smiling, and sat next to him on the couch. "That's why you're having a bad day, isn't it? The dream?"
"Yes."
Thunder sounded outside. April glanced towards the window. "Hmm. I didn't know there was going to be a thunderstorm. Oh, well." She turned back to Leo. "How about we watch a movie? We could invite Casey, too, if you want."
It seemed very appealing. Thunderstorm outside, good old action movie, April, Casey, a break from his brothers… how could Leo refuse? He nodded, and as April walked to the phone to call Casey, he glanced over at the computer again.
He was addicted. Addicted to disobedience.