#2: Drax's Cheesecake (or Cheese + Cake = Cheesecake)

Note: Please take these cooking instructions with a large grain of salt. In other words, I don't know how to cook.

Also, I have a creative consultant/mutual relationship with TheNewIdea- he helps flesh out ideas and come up with different scenarios (and vice versa). He's pretty awesome- you should check him out when you have time.

Smiles and Sunshine walked out of the hospital with a large hook in his right hand, a plastic fork in his left, and a brown paper bag with the words "I'm Not a Cliché Psychopathic Killer" written on the front in Sharpie.

"Rocket," he said, walking towards the Milano, "it's time to make some cheesecake."

Rocket Raccoon, who was three feet from the ship (Peter was already inside), turned around, saw the doctor and rolled his eyes. "Hey, Quill, Doctor Smiley is back."

Peter said nothing, instead he put in Awesome Mix 2, fast forwarded a bit and played Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. It was reaching the guitar solo in the middle of the song. Smiles and Sunshine advanced liked Freddie Kruger- arms stretched out and 1980's horror theme music playing in the background.

"Rocket," Smiles said, smiling like the devil, "it's time to make some cheesecake!"

"What if I don't wanna make some cheesecake?" Rocket said, reaching for his weapon, dubbed Halcyon VI, that wasn't there.

"Oh, well then you'd be a horrible friend for not making me my favorite desert on my birthday." Smiles replied, sounding an awful lot like Drax. Smiles laughed like a dying hyena on laughing gas who was also high on marijuana, who had a few beers and maybe a lady friend.

Smiles looked up at the sky, smiled and began singing the chorus of a song somewhat mockingly. He changed his voice to

"Hey!" Rocket shouted, "That's my song, Alice Cooper, No More Mister Nice Guy, 1972."

"Wow!" Smiles said clapping his hands, "I'm surprised you know that." His voice sounded like Peter's for a second.

"Guys," a disembodied voice said, "I think Rocket's asleep."

Rocket looked up at the sky. "God, is that you?" He got down on his knees. "I'm sorry, I've been a bad person lately, place don't throw me out, I promise I'll be a good boy from now on!"

"I'm not God you idiot!" The disembodied shouted, "I'm your conscious. Now, do yourself and wake up. Wake up Rocket…."

"Wake up Rocket!"

Rocket opened his eyes and looked around. He was back on the Milano, safe and sound. He noticed that he was in a chair in the common area where the recent kitchen add-on was. Drax, who was near the oven, had an assortment of pots, pans and for some reason, a block of Velveeta cheddar cheese and cake mix all neatly placed on the counter. Gamora was next to Rocket, watching him sleep. The raccoon looked towards her.

"Where you watching me sleep?"

Gamora nodded. "Yeah, it was pretty hilarious actually. You were sleep talking and you thought I was God."

Rocket sat up, "Are you?"

Gamora slapped him in the face and stood up. Rocket laughed internally as the aforementioned song finished on Peter's mix tape. Peter entered the room looking like a regular well...let's just say that he had the blazer, the hair, the smile and for some reason the slide through the doorway as if he were Michael Jackson. There was no music playing so it was extremely awkward when Peter started doing the crotch grabbing.

"Um, please tell me this isn't how people say hello where you're from." Gamora said.

Peter smiled, "Of course not, I just felt like dancing for a moment." He spun around and saw Rocket- "Hey, you're awake. How was your nap?"

"What do you mean?" Rocket said, "I'm still dreaming Quill!"

Peter laughed, "Good one."

Rocket reached out and grabbed Peter's blazer, "So, let me get this straight." He said, almost giving Peter the "It's Too Cute" treatment as he got into the man's face. "You mean to tell me that I'm awake?"

"Yeah Rocket," Peter answered, looking somewhat concerned, "you're awake."

Rocket nodded, "Oh, okay, so I'm not crazy. I'm just stuck in an insane asylum."

"I'm not really understanding this conversation but, can someone please help me this?" Drax asked as he began to follow the instructions on the cake mix box (for once in his life).

Rocket looked over towards him, "What are you doing?"

"Making cheesecake." Drax said.

Peter smiled, walked over to the kitchenette, and stood next to Drax. "Here, I'll help you. What needs to be done first?"

"Well, according to these instructions- we need some eggs, milk, water, the cake mix, something to put it in and an oven. Seems pretty simple."

Peter nodded, "Yeah, it seems pretty simple, but, what's with the block of cheese?"

"I'm making a cheesecake. Cheese plus cake equals cheesecake. It's called logic, Quill, you should try it." Drax said, pointing to his head for a moment before returning to his work.

Peter shook his head, "Um, I hate to burst your bubble big guy, but you got the wrong kind of cheese."

"I did?" Drax said with heartbreaking, instant sadness- aren't you glad they don't sell that at the grocery store? Can you imagine the advertisement for that? Hi, are you too happy and need to be depressed to prove to people that you aren't a psychopathic killer or a stalker? Then try Betty Crocker's Instant Sadness. It goes great with cakes and every single fun thing in life. Ruin birthday parties, your kids' childhood, your childhood. Side effects may include crying, self pity, buying of ice cream and watching Spanish soap operas at three in the morning, watching those animal shelter commercials, and yes, we're just listing sad depressing things as side effects, because you know- tangents.

Peter nodded, "Yeah, you need crème cheese. This is cheddar."

Drax sighed and lowered his head. "Guess I need to go out and get the right kind of cheese then?" He slowly began to put away his hard work. When he was finished he walked to the back of the ship to grab the rest of his credits.

Peter looked in Drax's direction. "Gee, thanks for making me feel like an asshole."

"Well it's cause you are Quill." Rocket said. "That's no mystery my amigo," he laughed as he closed his eyes and yawned a bit, "no mystery at all."

Gamora spun Rocket around in the chair and walked over. "Well, incorrect or not," she said, "I'm making it."

Grabbing the ingredients and necessary kitchen supplies out again, Gamora very quickly made the cake batter as if she had done this all before. As she mixed everything up in a bowl with a large red spoon- she began humming a song that she heard at a restaurant somewhere.

"What are you internally dancing to?" Peter asked rather seductively, as if he were about to make the move.

"A song." Gamora said.

Groot, who was back to full size by now, walked down the hallway and overhearing the conversation asked his inevitable question.

"Don't care," Rocket replied as he tried to resume his nap, "leave it in your head please."

Gamora smiled, "Ain't Even Done with the Night. Heard it one of those Nostalgia Clubs on Xandar."

Peter smiled back, "Well, if you have to have a song in your head."

"Rocket," Gamora said, "you can handle the cake right? I'm going to show off my mixing skills."

Rocket groaned, "You are terrible with metaphors. You might as well have just said the damn thing. Jesus, you're killing me here."

He walked over to the oven and checked on the cake. Upon seeing that it was somewhat still batter still, he looked at the cheese at was on the counter and down the hallway and smiled slightly. "Cheesecake, huh?"

"Alright Drax," the raccoon continued, "I'll make you some cheesecake."

He searched around for other, more practical cake ingredients, for Rocket understood that cheese was not necessarily a cheesecake ingredient.

"Now, what do cakes usually have?" Rocket asked himself as he went upstairs in the cockpit and sat in the co-pilot's chair. "Let's see," he said, looking around, noticing that a large bucket of sugar was next to a large bucket of red icing.

"Well," Rocket continued, "red is his favorite color."

Grabbing the red icing, Rocket turned Peter's Mix Tape on, fast forwarding to a random place and stopping there. Fittingly, it stopped on James Taylor's You've Got a Friend. Although Rocket didn't know the words he bobbed his head a little as he headed down the stairs.

Drax, who was in the chair at this point, was three seconds from standing up and leaving to get the correct cheese for his cheesecake when he saw Rocket carry a tube of red icing and bobbing his head to a song that was obviously an ode to him. The raccoon placed the icing tube on the counter, grabbed an oven mitt from a drawer and opened the oven to check on the cake. It was almost ready but done enough to add whatever else that was needed. Rocket carefully took the cake out of the oven and had a bit of trouble putting in on top of the oven but managed anyway. He then took the nearest knife and cut little pieces of cheese and placed them delicately on the top. When he was finished, Rocket placed the cake back in the oven.

Rocket turned around to go back upstairs when he saw Drax and smiled. "Cheese plus cake equals cheesecake, right?"

Drax nodded slowly, "Thank you my friend."

"Hey, that's what friends are for." Rocket said, stopping a moment, noticing that the mix tape had moved on to the next song, That's What Friends Are For and fittingly enough, Rocket said those words exactly as the song reached them, so in a way, Rocket was 'singing' that song.

Drax listened to the song for a moment and admittedly smiled but quickly retracted his emotion, "You can change it if you want to."

"No, I'm good," Rocket said, shuffling his feet a bit, "You can change it, if you don't like the song that is."

Cue the inevitable. Rocket and Drax sang the song better than Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Gladys Knight put together.

It was the scene from Tommy Boy with John Candy and David Spade. Complete with spinning in a field of flowers moment, a Gene Kelly dance number, waving candles from left to right, wasting completely good ammunition, a chorus line, a juggling act. Rocket performed a summersault that, if witnessed by a group of cheerleading judges, would receive a modest score, Drax did a nice balancing act that would make the Cat in the Hat jealous (it was a box of random parts, an umbrella, a fish, seventeen pistols, a chair, and for some reason a portrait of Gene Simmons all on his arms and head). In short, it was something out of every single comedy ever all while singing the same song and ending exactly and precisely at four minutes and seventeen seconds before anyone could witness or say anything. The next song was Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson.

The oven dinged.

"Oh good," Rocket said, "The cake's done."

The raccoon opened the oven and pulled the cake out. He then crudely wrote, Happy Birthday Pal in red icing and presented the cake to Drax in a very show-off kind of way. He did a two-step, it was almost a Charleston.

"I didn't know you could dance." Drax said.

"Tell anyone about it," Rocket replied, "and I'll kill you."

"Where did you learn?"

"Let's just say I learned to stop Quill from bugging me about it. Remember that week when he said I was being too pessimistic?"

Drax nodded. "That's every week."

Rocket rolled his eyes, "Anyway, here's your cake. Happy birthday."

Note: This one shot is dedicated to all the old soul's out there (like me). Go out there and bake yourself a cheesecake.