Part 2: A Holiday Befitting a Dark Lord

Dirk, Chris, and Sooz were sitting in English class. True to Sooz's prediction, the Valentine's spirit was in the air. Mrs. Batelakes had read them all several supposedly famous love poems from past centuries, all of which Dirk found unbearably sappy, after which she had distributed sheets of paper to the class (most of which were indeed pink and white), instructing them to try out writing their own romantic poetry.

She held up her own example, a hideous pink blob with lacy white stuff glued around the border and darker pink words – I LOVE YOU – in the middle, and claimed it was a heart, at which point Dirk interrupted loudly ("Bah! I have never seen a heart shaped like that, certainly not a human heart, and believe me, I have held plenty of hearts in my own hands, some still beating with the dark magic of human sacrifice!") until Mrs. Batelakes had told him to sit down and be quiet so that she could read her own poetic composition. By then though, the whole room of goblin-children was giggling, so she merely sighed and distributed several copies of the "roses are red" rhyme, telling them to try writing their own variation.

Sooz grabbed a sheet of actually red paper and a black pen and set about Goth-ifying her heart by drawing dripping blood letters like the ones on her AngelBile bag. Chris sat, staring at a white piece of paper in front of him, leaning his chin on his hand with his elbow on his desk and tapping a pencil against the paper in a bored manner while staring at the wall. Unexpectedly, Dirk seized a sheet and began scribbling energetically on it, pausing only occasionally to tap his red marker against his chin and stare upward before he continued with gusto.

Ten minutes or so before the end of class, Mrs. Batelakes called for their attention. Most of the kids, who still had completely blank sheets of paper or half cut-out hearts in front of them, sighed with relief. Their relief was short-lived however, when Mrs. Batelakes said in an overly enthusiastic voice. "All right, we have several minutes until the end of class. Who would like to share what you wrote?"

Unsurprisingly, no one volunteered. The kids sat at their desks, staring unobtrusively down at their desks and hoping they wouldn't get called on.

Then a hand went up in the back. Mrs. Batelakes smiled, pleased to have a volunteer, until she saw to whom the hand was attached. Then Mrs. Batelakes closed her eyes briefly and her smile became a little more forced.

"Dirk Lloyd, it had better be serious and it had better be appropriate."

"Of course it is, Mrs. Batelakes," Dirk said with overt politeness and a smile that made Mrs. Batelakes shudder.

"All right, let's hear what you wrote," she said, already feeling certain that this was going to end badly. But it was obvious that no one else was going to volunteer.

Dirk stood up and read his poem out imperiously.

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
My soul is pitch-black.
My heart is black, too.

Your blood will be red,
Your face will be blue,
If you don't start running,
Before I obliterate you!"

Dirk was taking a breath to continue with the next stanza when Mrs. Batelakes hurriedly interrupted him. "All right, Dirk, that is quite enough! You may sit down."

Dirk was glaring at Mrs. Batelakes and furiously thinking through the spells he knew for one that would properly punish someone who interrupted Dark Lords in the middle of reading their fabulous poetic compositions when the bell rang for the end of class. Instantly, the children reverted to their more goblin-like natures, pushing and jostling each other as they scrambled to get out of their seats and out the door as quickly as possible.

Dirk, Chris, and Sooz met back up in the hallway after extricating themselves from the stream of other students. Chris grinned at Dirk. "Ha, that was great back there, Dirk. I like what you did with that horrid Valentine's poem. Obliterate – that's a good word. I like it. Obliterate. I couldn't think of a single thing."

"Yeah," Sooz agreed, "That was really cool. I loved the thing about your heart and soul being black. Really Goth. I didn't know you were a poet, Dirk."

"The skills of a Dark Lord are far-reaching and numerous," Dirk said airily. "You never know what you might need. My talents stretch much farther than the reachings of your limited human minds can imagine."

Sooz snorted then shook her head with a laugh. "Oh Dirk, you are so full of it."

Dirk looked at her with one eyebrow raised. "Full of it? Full of what? Charisma? Dark power? The dread majesty of a Dark Lord?"

"Yeah, definitely. All of that, my Imperial Dirkness," Chris said, trying to hide a grin.

Dirk looked back and forth between the two of them suspiciously as they tried to contain their giggles. He had now lived a full year around them and he was getting better at telling when his friends were taking advantage of his ignorance in Earth lingo. But ever since he'd caught Chris with the whole nitwit thing, they'd been more cautious about what fibs they fed him.

Chris saw Dirk staring and wiped the grin off his face, taking on a more serious and studious expression. "Er, actually, during class, I was thinking about the problem of the Valentine's Party and how we might get out of doing it," he said, changing the subject. "I think I might have an idea."

Sooz looked interested and Dirk gave a gracious, lordly nod. "Do enlighten us, Chris," he said. "What strategy have you devised to rid us of this undignified, do-gooder holiday?"

"Well," said Chris, "you know how people have different holidays in different countries. And if you're from a different culture or different religion, sometimes you'll celebrate other holidays instead of the usual ones."

"Yeah, like Jews celebrating Hanukkah and Americans celebrating Thanksgiving," Sooz put in.

"Exactly," said Chris with an appreciative grin at Sooz. "Well, I was thinking, what if we made our own holiday, you know, to compete with Valentine's Day? Then we could say we're celebrating our holiday instead. And I was thinking, since Dirk isn't actually from Earth anyway, we could make some sort of holiday for his world. A Darklands holiday."

Dirk thought about this for a moment and then his face lit up in a diabolical grin. "Ah, that is genius, Christopher. Truly, it is genius. You are indeed the most cunning and loyal minion a Dark Lord could wish for!"

A year ago, Chris would have sulked at being mitigated to a minion, but by now, he knew this was high praise indeed from Dirk. He gave a little bow. "I'm glad to be of service, my Lloyd of Dirkness."

"A Darklands holiday," Sooz mused. "What should this holiday be like? If it's a holiday, shouldn't it properly be celebrating something?"

"Yeah, and what should we call it?" said Chris.

Dirk stopped walking, putting a hand to his chin. "We do not have any holidays in the Darklands, but you are right, we must do this properly. As to what we shall celebrate, of course, that is obvious. It shall be a holiday to celebrate the greatest, most brilliant, most talented of individuals. It will be a holiday to celebrate me, of course!"

He looked at his two friends, beaming and clearly seeking agreement. Chris bit his lip, but Sooz raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Yeah, of course. We never would have considered anything else."

Either not noticing or ignoring Sooz's molasses-thick sarcasm, Dirk continued enthusiastically. "It shall be a holiday in celebration of the Great Dirk, conveniently placed on the day of Fall 14th. Who would wish to continue celebrating such a pink-ridden, lickspittle holiday as Valentine's when you could join the other peoples of Earth in revering a great and powerful Dark Lord? And not just the peoples of Earth. When I return to the Darklands, I shall see to it that all my people begin celebrating this magnificent holiday, as well. The very first holiday of the Darklands. And as for what to call it: Dirk's Day! Yes, we shall call it Dirk's Day. Mwah, ha, ha!"

At the tail end of Dirk's evil overlord laugh, however, the bell rang for the next class.

"We shall continue planning the demise of Valentine's Day after Social Studies, my Child of the Night and my loyal Mouth of Dirk," the Dark Lord whispered to his friends as they hurried into their next class.

~o~o~o~

"So, Dirk's Day. What are we going to do on Dirk's Day?" asked Sooz.

The Court in Exile was in session, though at the moment, it was just Chris, Sooz, and Dirk sitting around their table during lunch, eating homemade sandwiches and sharing a bag of potato chips that Mrs. Black had sent in Sooz's lunch bag.

Dirk gave her a quizzical look. "Why, everyone reveres me on Dirk's Day, of course," he said, like this was the most obvious thing in the worlds.

Sooz rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah, I get that, but what are we going to actually do? Like traditions and stuff. Every holiday needs to have traditional stuff that you do."

Dirk tapped a potato chip against his chin a few times before popping it into his mouth and chewing in a slow, contemplative manner. He swallowed and his face brightened. Not that his face ever really brightened. It was more like an evil de-illumination. "Well, we could set up some kind of throne – I'm sure there's nothing nearly impressive enough or as Evil as my Throne of Skulls, but I'm sure we could find something fitting – and I could sit in all my dark splendor and hold court while allowing the peoples of Earth to file by and pay me their tributes."

Chris and Sooz exchanged a look, then Chris coughed a little to get Dirk's attention. When he had successfully diverted Dirk from his evil daydreams, he said with a slight hesitation, "Um, that's great, but, uh, we actually want people to celebrate Dirk's Day, right?"

"Yes, of course," Dirk answered with a tiny frown, catching the tone of Chris's voice.

"Well then, uh, we probably want to have some things that people are actually going to want to do."

Dirk's face darkened to a scowl. "Are you suggesting that I am not worthy of tribute and honor? I am giving the peoples of Earth a great and magnanimous opportunity to revere a being higher than their puny human minds can even begin to comprehend. Do you think they would be so ungrateful, not to mention so foolish, as to refuse my gracious offer? Or is it that you yourself are jealous to see me receiving the honor that you wish for yourself, Chris?"

Sooz jumped in, seeing the danger and not wanting to deal with one of Dirk's impressive temper tantrums. She put her hand on his shoulder. "No, Dirk, it's not like that at all," she said in a placating voice. "It's just that–" she searched around in her mind for a suitable explanation. "It's just that, Dirk, well, most people on Earth haven't seen what we've seen. They don't know how great you really are. Most of them think you're just a thirteen-year-old boy. They wouldn't really understand what a generous offer you're making to them."

Under Sooz's soothing attention, Dirk calmed back down. "Yes, Sooz, of course, you are perfectly right," he replied. "I suppose I am not the most impressive of figures in this incarnation." He frowned down thoughtfully at his small human body. "No, you are right. We must find a way to lure my worshippers in before they can properly appreciate my grandeur and aura of evil power. Ah, but how?"

Chris had been sulking momentarily after Dirk's accusation and the fact that Sooz had been able to appease him so easily, but the excitement and fun of the occasion was too much to keep him down for long. "Hey," he said, "I've got an idea. You're really good at strategy stuff, right, Dirk?"

"Of course," Dirk answered. "What does that have to do with Dirk's Day?"

"Well, if it's going to be a day in honor of you, we should do stuff to remind people of you, to honor the things you're good at, right? And you're super good at strategy, so on Dirk's Day, everyone should play strategy games. It could be chess or checkers or something like that, or we could play stuff like Fantasy Wars and Battlecraft. We could set up my Xbox and my computer and bring out all our strategy boards games for people to play!"

"Sweet!" said Sooz. "We could get Realm of Shadows going, too. That sounds awesome."

Dirk nodded, pleased. "A chance to show off my superb strategy skills. A commendable plan."

"Hey Chris, Sooz. Hey Dirk, can I join you guys?"

Chris scooted over to make room at the table for his friend, Pete Nutley. "Hey Nutters, we're creating a holiday for Dirk!"

Over the next minute, the three of them explained their idea to Nutters as he nibbled on his cafeteria french fries. When they had finished, he nodded. "Awesome, I'm in. I hate going to the Valentine's Day parties. The girls all go around in gangs and then they corner you and try to put pink glitter in your hair and stupid girl stuff like that. Not you Sooz, of course," he added when Sooz looked offended. "I mean, I'd do anything to get out of the Valentine's Day party, but your party actually sounds really cool."

He ate another french fry, staring thoughtfully at a poster on the wall advertising the baseball team tryouts. "You need official Dirk's Day colors though. Like, there's green and red for Christmas, orange and black for Halloween…"

"…Pink and white for Valentine's," said Sooz with a shudder.

"Black," Dirk decided immediately. "Everyone should wear black on Dirk's Day."

"Ha, that'll be easy for Sooz," said Chris. "Every day is Dirk's Day for her."

Sooz looked haughtily down her nose at him. "Black is the best color. I think it'll be perfect for Dirk's Day." She looked at Dirk. "People could dress kind of Goth for Dirk's Day, what do you think? I mean, you're not completely Goth, but it's the same general idea. I've always thought it would be awesome to have a Goth holiday."

Dirk gave her an indulgent smile. "For you, my little Vampire, of course."

Sooz beamed.

Chris jumped in with another idea. "Hey, we should make everyone talk Dirkspeak on Dirk's Day, too. It'd be funny."

Nutters raised his eyebrows. "Dirkspeak?"

"You know, how Dirk talks, like a Dark Lord," said Sooz. She deepened her voice and spoke imperiously. "Kneel before me, puny humans, or I shall obliterate you with the Claw of Ripping Death. Mwah, ha, ha!"

All three of the boys laughed at her imitation. Dirk wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Ah, you do an excellent imitation of me, Sooz. This will be an amusing holiday." He regained his composure and dark dignity. "However, it must be made clear that I am still the only true Dark Lord. It would not be befitting for others to call me a puny human. And it seems rather foolish for them to call each other puny humans when they are all humans themselves of equal puniness. They must not be allowed to think that they could actually achieve the greatness of a Dark Lord just because they are allowed to speak like one."

"Hey, I made a fine Dark Lady and I'm human," Sooz countered, putting her hands on her hips indignantly.

"Yes, you did not do badly, my Child of the Night," Dirk replied with a small smile. "But most humans do not have your flair for the Darkness. And not even you could compare with the full grandeur of the Great Dirk himself."

Sooz scowled, but before anyone could say anything else, Sal Malik slid in to join them. "Yo, Dark Lord, what's the Court discussing?"

Chris and Nutters enthusiastically filled the Sports Lord in on Dirk's Day. Sal nodded thoughtfully all the while. When they were finished, he said, "Food. You gotta have food. All holidays have some sort of food. People will like that."

There was a moment of silence. Chris, Nutters, and Dirk, none of whom knew the second thing about cooking, stared at the table top and pretended to be thinking. Sooz, on the other hand, screwed her face up in real concentration. "I've got an idea for that," she said finally.

"What?" the boys asked in unison, looking up eagerly at her.

She grinned. "I think I'll make it a surprise. But don't worry, you can count on me to provide the food. I think you'll really like it, Dirk," she said, casting him a wink.

Dirk looked at her curiously for a moment, like he might demand the explanation, but he apparently decided against it, giving a curt nod instead. "That will work well. Sooz shall provide the all-important food. Chris shall be Keeper of the Games of Strategy. Sports Lord Sal, Nutters, I trust you shall help us alert the school that the Dark Lord's Court in Exile is holding its very own Dirk's Day party, the first ever celebration of what shall become the greatest of all human holidays."

"Sounds good to me," said Nutters.

"Sure," said Sal.

Dirk rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Let the announcements be sent forth! Let my minions gather about me for the celebration of the great Dirk's Day. Down with Valentine's and all its pink atrocity! From henceforth, Fall 14th shall be a holiday befitting a Dark Lord!"