NOTE 3/25/15:
THIS IS PART 2/THE CONTINUATION OF CHAPTER 5/THE NEW UPDATE. PLEASE READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER OR YOU WILL BE LOST!
Olivia pushes Noah's stroller to the door of Alex's penthouse. She had known instinctively that Alex had returned to her penthouse after her father's death. When Alex is upset she expresses her emotions through song on her Steinway piano. There had been many of nights during the time Olivia had moved in that she had walked in on Alex playing some beautiful, haunting song on that piano. Especially during Lewis's trial-Olivia had found Alex at the piano almost every night.
Olivia lets herself into Alex's apartment with the key that she still has. She is glad that Alex had insisted that she keep it despite moving out.
You'll be back one day, Alex had insisted.
As she steps into the penthouse she hears the faint sounds of piano playing. Olivia lets out the breath that she did not know she was holding. Alex is here. Alex is safe. Olivia quickly fires off a text to Bill letting him know that she has found Alex and that Alex is safe. She does not tell him where Alex is; she knows that Alex will seek him out when she is ready. Immediately, he responds expressing his gratitude for finding her.
Before she goes to find Alex, Olivia sets up Noah's portable playpen in Alex's guestroom and lays her sleeping son in it. She had been so concerned with finding Alex that she had bought Noah with her. She knows it is not the best idea to have brought him to Alex's place, especially since Alex still has not met him and has shown great hesitance in meeting him, but finding Alex had been her first priority. Plus, it is Christmas Eve; who could she have called to watch him while she found Alex?
She takes the baby monitors out of Noah's baby bag and turns them on. She places one near him and the other she takes with him to find Alex. The music has stopped, but Olivia heads into the piano room to see if Alex is still there. In the corner of the piano room there is a large, beautifully decorated Christmas tree with many presents underneath it. She is surprised that Alex has decorated. Alex normally is not one for Christmas. Why not, Olivia never found out.
She does not see Alex, but she does notice that the balcony doors are open. She places the baby monitor on the piano and heads out to the balcony.
It is below freezing outside and it has begun snowing. It looks like Noah's first Christmas is going white Christmas.
"Liv?" Olivia turns to see Alex sitting on the far side of the rail of the balcony, her legs dangling over the rail. Olivia's breath catches and her heart pounds. Alex's penthouse is twenty-seven floors up.
"Alex, I'm so sorry." Olivia moves cautiously towards Alex. Alex does not reply, she merely looks back down continues cry silently. As Olivia cautiously moves closer to Alex, she notices Alex is shivering and snow is gathering in Alex's long, beautiful hair. Olivia wishes she had not left her jacket inside, "Alex you're shivering maybe we should go inside." And get off the balcony rail that is twenty-seven stories above ground. Alex does not move. She barely acknowledges that she hears Olivia.
"Alex?" Olivia tries again.
Without looking at Olivia, Alex asks, "Why are you here, Olivia?"
"Bill called me. He told me about your father. "
Alex laughs bitterly, "Of course he did."
Olivia scoots a little closer again, "I'm so sorry."
"Stop saying you're sorry!" Alex snaps.
Instinctively, Olivia holds both her hands up in peace making gesture. She does not want to agitate an on edge Alex-both figuratively and literally. "Okay. Can you come back on this side of the rail please?"
Alex scoffs, "I'm not suicidal. I didn't even…. I didn't even like the man."
"Oh." It is then Olivia realizes that as much as Alex has shared with Olivia about her past and as much as Olivia remembers comforting Alex about the death of her mother during the Connors trial, Alex has never spoken about her father.
"I… hated him." Alex whispers. Olivia is hit with a strong sense of déjà vu. She had said those words almost verbatim to Alex nearly fifteen years ago when her mother died. She had known Alex only a few months at that point, and she had been more than surprised when Alex had shown up her door with wine and comfort snacks. It was that surprise that had stupefied her and given Alex the opportunity to skirt around her and enter her apartment. She had not known Alex long enough to be rude enough to throw her out, so she had let her stay. Somewhere amongst the wine and the snacks, she had blurted out those words about her mother. It was the first time she had ever opened up to anyone about the complicated feelings she had for her mother. She had always talked about her mother's struggle with her rape and alcoholism, but Olivia had never talked about how her mother's demons had affected herself. That moment marked the beginning of their friendship.
She feels her throat close with emotion. She understands. She understands what it is like to mourn a parent that you had a tumultuous relationship with. Understands how you can love a parent you hate.
Gingerly, she joins Alex sitting on the rail, careful to still give Alex her space, and she says almost the same words Alex had said to her in response fifteen years ago, "Tell me about him."
Alex turns and looks at her. Their eyes connect and a moment of shared understanding passes between them. No matter where they have come and gone, they are always connected by their past and shared experiences.
"He was impossible to please." Alex pauses, remembering, "I graduated from Yale as salutatorian. I called him to tell that I was salutatorian and invite him to the graduation ceremony. Do you know what he said to me?" Olivia knows this is a rhetorical question, Alex is talking to herself- lost in her memories, " 'Salutatorian? Second place? Cabots are winners.'"
Olivia feels her heart break for a young Alex and for the one that is in front her, "Oh, Alex."
"Mind you, he didn't come when I gave my Harvard Law valedictorian speech, either. Never good enough…" Alex laughs bitterly and looks off over the Manhattan skyline.
Now Olivia understands the root of Alex's competitiveness. "What he thinks-thought- doesn't matter, Alex; you should proud of everything you've accomplished. You have accomplished so many great things."
"That should be the important thing." Alex mocks, " I just wanted him to say once that he was proud of me. Or 'Good job, Alexandra.' Something. Anything. Pathetic, huh?"
"That's not pathetic-"
"Yes it is! Everything I have done has been for his approval! I've lived my whole life a certain way to earn his approval and I… I never even told him," Alex breaks off, "I never even told him I am a lesbian. All those years…I brought Trevor to family functions because he liked Trevor. I hate him, but I hate myself more."
"Don't say that."
"You should hate me! I haven't told anyone on the Cabot side about you!" She flails her arms angrily.
"Ok, a little less gesticulating while we are sitting on a balcony rail twenty-seven floors above the ground, please and thank you."
Alex laughs slightly and wipes her cheeks with the back of her blouse sleeve. Olivia notices that Alex's crying has stopped. That is progress at least. Now Olivia just wants to get her back inside where it is warm and not twenty-seven floors up.
"I lied to that man for more than twenty years- I lied to my family and to myself-because I knew he wouldn't be happy with my sexuality." Olivia can hear the pain and self-loathing in Alex's voice. "The moment I heard that he had had a heart attack, I raced to his side like the dutiful daughter. "
"Just because you had a complicated relationship with your father doesn't mean you weren't a good daughter."
Alex talks over her as if she does not notice Olivia is talking, "I went because I wanted to be finally honest with him. I just wanted to stop lying. How selfish is that?" Alex pauses and turns to Olivia when she does not answer.
"Oh was I supposed to actually answer that this time? I thought this was a monologue," Olivia deadpans.
Alex rolls her eyes and continues, "He never regained consciousness. I never got to tell him the truth. Neither him nor mother ever knew the truth. They both died not who I really am."
"Bill knows. He loves you. He raised you. Bill is your father."
The mention of Bill is a balm to Alex's agitated soul. Alex nods and says, "I'm so blessed to have Uncle Bill in my life. He saved my life when he took me in." Alex pauses and continues, "When I was thirteen, I spent the summer holiday with some of the Cabots that live in Texas. I gained probably five pounds during the time. When I returned home, Alexander noticed. He told me 'no one loves a fattie.'"
Olivia frowns, "That's a horrible thing to say, especially to a teenage girl."
"A few days later, I starved myself to the point where I passed out." Horrified, Olivia gasps, "When I woke up in the hospital, Bill was there and he asked me why had I been starving myself. I told him what Alexander had said to me. Bill checked me in to a treatment center that day. A few weeks later, after I had completed the program, Bill picked me up and told me that I would be living with him from then on. No explanations. "
That sounds like the Bill Hermann Olivia has gotten to know over the years: loving and take-no-prisoners. "I'm surprised that the Cabots let that happened."
"They didn't have much of choice. From my mother, Bill knew a lot my father's not-so- legal business practices. The Cabots knew he could easily get them in serious trouble with the SEC and FBI. And Alexander Cabot is a businessman first and foremost. He chose his companies over me in a second." Alex laughs bitterly.
After a pause, Alex continues, " I lived with Bill from that moment until I went off to college. Living with him was such a different world. Everyday he would tell me that he loved me and that I was beautiful and that I was going to be DA of Manhattan one day." Alex smiles fondly.
"He's a good man." Olivia can see that Alex is in a better space than when she first arrived. She can also see that Alex's shivering has increased significantly and that her lips are blue. Furthermore, Olivia has been out of the range of the baby monitor for too long. Olivia hopes that Noah has not woken up from his nap and has not been crying for her.
Olivia tries again to coax Alex back inside with the truth, "Alex, can we go back inside? Noah's sleeping inside and I need to check on him."
Alex turns to her startled, "He's here?" Nervous, Olivia nods. After a pause, Alex answers, "Let's go inside." Olivia lets out the breath she had been metaphorically holding since she found Alex outside on the rail. She helps Alex off the rail and back onto the balcony. The cold has set in to Alex's limb and she is barely able to stand. Olivia supports her and helps her back inside. On the way to Alex's bedroom, Olivia grabs the baby monitor, which she happily notes there is no crying coming from it.
"You need to warm up. I'm going to draw you a bath." Olivia leads Alex into the large bathroom attached to the master bedroom. She turns on the faucet and the jets in the Jacuzzi-style tub and pours in Alex's favorite bath salts. She turns to Alex who is sitting on the toilet seat, "Let me check on Noah for a moment. I'll be right back. You get in." Alex nods slightly.
Olivia slips out the bathroom and into the guestroom to check on Noah, who is still sleeping peacefully in his playpen. She knows she should wake him up, it is already late afternoon; if she does not wake him soon, it will be impossible to get him back to sleep later, but she wants to ensure Alex is settled before she attends to Noah.
She returns to the bathroom to see Alex still sitting on the toilet seat staring off in space.
"Why aren't you in the tub? Let me help you." Olivia stoops down in front of Alex and starts to unbutton Alex's blouse. Alex's hand come up and covers Olivia's hands. Alex's hand is ice cold, but it seems Alex is trembling less.
Alex's blue-grey eyes burn intensely into Olivia's eyes, "Why are you here Olivia?"
Surprised by the question, Olivia answers, "I told you, Bill called me."
"No, I mean why do you care? You broke up with me, remember?" Alex asks bitingly.
Olivia is flabbergasted. "I didn't break up with because I don't care about you." She says likes it is the most obvious thing in the world.
"Am I supposed to know that? You gave me no explanation!" Alex's voice rises to a shrill.
Olivia pulls her hand back from Alex's hold," Alex, I don't think that this is the time to talk about this-"
"You had no problem talking about this when I was on the way to my dying father's side." Alex is angry and she is spoiling for a fight.
Olivia tries her best to take the bait. "I didn't know about Alexander. I would have never-"
"Broken off a fourteen-year relationship over the phone? Your manners are impeccable." Alex mocks.
Olivia takes a deep breath trying to calm herself first. "I asked to come over and talk. You wouldn't let me."
Olivia's calmness just serves to agitate Alex more. Alex says, "Not after you dropped that little bomb on the phone. You know what, it doesn't matter how you did it- I just want to know why! Why did you break up with me?"
"Alex, you should get into the bathtub." Olivia reaches again for Alex's blouse. Alex swats her hand away
"I just want to why?! I gave you a home, that wasn't good enough, you moved out."
"Alex-" Olivia's tries to interrupt.
"I gave you my love. It wasn't good enough-"
"That's not true!" Olivia can feel herself finally succumbing to anger.
"I stood by you during your recovery and the trial. I just want to know why am I not good enough for you? Is it Elliot?"
Olivia feels like she has been sucker punched in the gut. "What? What does he have to do with this?"
Like the shark lawyer she is, Alex goes in for the kill. "Am I not good enough because you've been waiting for Elliot to be finally free? Have I just been the convenient fill in? Well guess what, he's back and free! This is your chance."
"Stop!" Olivia yells. They are both startled by how loudly she yells. Taking advantage of Alex's shock, Olivia says, "Do not ever belittle what I feel for you and what we have like that again. Whatever problems we have, that is not one of them."
Olivia continues, " Since the first time we kissed, every man I have dated since has been a fill in for you. I have spent the last fourteen years waiting for: you to come back from the Witness Protection Program; you to come back from that three year hiatus you took afterwards; you to come back from Africa; you to come back from Albany. So don't you dare ever imply that you were the fill in, because it just isn't true!"
Alex visibly softens, the fight seems to leave her. "Well that's nice to know, especially since I know nothing that goes through your head."
Olivia knows she has not been very expressive and forthcoming with her feelings with Alex and she knows that is not fair to Alex. "Ok. I'll be honest, I don't know what I feel for Elliot and I am trying to figure that out. That much is true." Alex frowns.
Before Alex can interject, Olivia continues, "But what I feel for him is based in the what may be and what the could have been. What I feel for you is based in the real. It is based in our fourteen-year history, our present, our friendship, our chemistry. What I feel for you is the most encompassing and overwhelming thing that I have ever felt and it scares the shit out of me every day. So yes, I did something dumb and broke up with you. But I did it because I was scared- no other reason."
"I'm scared too." Alex admits.
They are in this together Olivia realizes-both scared and together. "What I did the other night… was cowardly and I'm sorry. I did it because…. why didn't you tell me about the job offer at the United States Attorney's Office?"
Alex's eyes widen in shock and then narrow in annoyance, "How did you find out about that?"
"That doesn't matter. Why didn't you tell me?"
Ignoring her question, Alex continues to try to figure out how Olivia knows, "Either Barba or Casey told you. And Barba isn't one to get involved in personal things… Tell Casey to stay out our business."
Olivia persists, "Why didn't you tell me?"
Defiantly Alex crosses her arms in front of her chest, "Because I wasn't going to take the job."
"Why not? It would propel your career."
"I'm not moving to D.C." The implied 'I'm not leaving you' hangs heavy in the air between them.
It is as Olivia fears. "I don't want you turning down job opportunities just to stay with me. You've taken jobs farther away than D.C. before and we've made it work."
Exasperatedly, Alex answers, "You just said you've spent fourteen years waiting for me. Aren't you tired of waiting? Because I'm certainly tired of running." It is in that moment Olivia realizes how far she and Alex have come and how much they've grown in their relationship. Alex is finally done running. Maybe it's time she stops as well.
Softly Olivia says, "I don't want you to resent me after you've turned down opportunities. I know how important your career is to you."
Alex shakes her head furiously, "Was. Important my career was to me. I was down in D.C. interviewing for that same position… when Lewis took you."
Olivia had not known why Alex had left for D.C. during that time; she had only known that Alex would be in D.C. for a few days, "It's not your fault-"
"Please, let me talk. When Nick called me and told me that Lewis had you and how long he had already had you….I would have noticed if I was in New York. I would have noticed you weren't answering texts and calls. He would have never had you that long. We could have saved you so much sooner and spared you so much pain..." Alex voice breaks as she tapers off. Alex looks away to compose herself.
"Alex, you can't blame yourself. What happened is what happened – the coulda shoulda wouldas aren't going to change that." She has learned that from therapy. Olivia has played every variation of every scenario of how what happened with Lewis could have been avoided. In the end, she had to accept that what happened happened and she cannot change the past. All she can do is make sure that what has happened does not ruin her future.
Alex vehemently swears, "I will never take that job. Never. It is seeped in blood-your blood. "
Olivia had never realized the depth of how her trauma had affected Alex also. "Don't think of it like that."
"All my life, I thought that I wanted to be DA or a politician more than anything. When he had you, I wanted nothing more than for you to be alive and back with me. I didn't know I could want anything that much. I just wanted you. Fuck the DA seat. I just wanted you." Alex is crying again. Olivia cautiously reaches out to brush the tears away. She does not want Alex to cry for her. She has cried enough for herself over these long months.
Alex nuzzles her hands and kisses the palm sweetly. "In my mind, you were this invincible superhero. Doing this dangerous job that you do, but never really getting hurt. People got shot, killed, raped all around you, but you were always fine. I just always thought you were going to be there, and some day we'd get it together, get married, and have babies. Someday." Tears well up in Olivia's eyes as well.
Voice thick with emotion Alex continues, "When he took you…I realized my superhero is human and something could happen to you before I ever got a chance to show how much I really love you. Before I got a chance to marry you, have a family with you, and have happily ever after with you. " Olivia succumbs to the tears in her eyes and she too is crying.
Alex reaches her hand and wipes Olivia's tears. With her other hand, Olivia presses Alex's cold hand to her cheek. "When they found you…I saw you in the hospital and you were alive- I'm never going to waste another day, another second that I have with you. Never again."
Alex continues, "You're everything I want and need, Olivia. I want to be with you forever. I want to marry you and have kids with you. You're all I want." Alex starts desperately pulling Olivia up to her. There are so many emotions swirling in Alex's stormy eyes: love, fear, pain, lust. Olivia wonders if Alex can see the exact same emotions mirrored in her own eyes. Olivia wants the same. She wants it all with Alex.
Olivia tilts her lips up to receive Alex's kiss, and whispers, "I love you." The words slip out of Olivia's mouth unconsciously. Her words stop them both in their tracks. Both of their eyes widen. Though her love for Alex has always been understood and assumed, it had always been unsaid by her. Olivia had always feared the moment she said those words to Alex, Alex would leave like everyone else in her life before.
"Say it again," Alex demands like she cannot believe that Olivia has really said the words out loud.
Olivia is scared, but it is ok, because Alex is scared with her. A little more boldly she whispers, "I love you."
It is as if something snaps in Alex, she pounces on Olivia almost tackling her to the bathroom floor. Alex straddles Olivia. Feverishly, she pulls at Olivia's sweater, while trailing kisses along Olivia's neck. Alex is quite the talented multi-tasker. "Off. Off." She demands. Olivia sits up to allow Alex to pull her sweater over her head. Once the sweater is off her head, Olivia tries to unbutton Alex's blouse, which has a million small buttons. Frustrated Olivia rips the blouse apart and the buttons fly in every direction. Alex moans at the display of aggression. First, Olivia kisses the keloid bullet wound on Alex's shoulder. Survivor.
"I liked that blouse." Alex protests feebly. Olivia laughs and unhooks Alex's bra fully revealing her pert, beautiful breasts.
"More than you like this?" Olivia circles her tongue around Alex's nipple before sucking it in to her mouth. She loves the taste of Alex's skin. It's addictive and she is addicted.
Alex throws her head back and arches her back to push her breast more into Olivia's clever mouth. "Not even close." She threads her hands through Olivia's hair, "Your hair is getting longer again." She comments absentmindedly. Alex uses Olivia's hair to pull Olivia's mouth off her breast. She tilts Olivia's face up to hers and kisses her soundly. Olivia returns Alex's kiss just as enthusiastically. Alex's kiss steals the air from her lungs. It doesn't matter, though, because, when Olivia is kissing Alex, she does not need air- she just needs Alex.
Their kissing is fervent. Through their tongues they are claiming each other. Olivia's hands encircle Alex's waist, and she pulls Alex flush against her. She needs to feel Alex's skin against her own. Despite, how cold Alex skin is, when she presses against Olivia's skin, it sets Olivia on fire.
"I wanna see you." Alex mumbles in between kisses. Without breaking the kiss, Olivia unhooks her bra releasing her breasts. Alex breaks the kiss immediately to cup Olivia's bountiful breasts. She gives each one a reverent kiss, making sure to lay her kisses on two of the scars that litters Olivia's breast. Survivor.
She removes her right hand to tweak one of Olivia's nipples. That action goes directly from her nipple directly to her core and Olivia can feel her herself become even more aroused. Fourteen years and they are still hot for each other. If anything, their lovemaking is even more intense than when they first started. Together they are fine wine.
Olivia whimpers. "You only want me for my breasts." In response, Alex licks her nipple, "Shit." Olivia murmurs.
Alex then blows lightly on Olivia's wet nipple. The nipple pebbles in response.
"They're really nice breasts." Alex admits. Olivia laughs and flips them over so that she is on top of Alex.
Staring deep into Alex's eyes, Olivia says, "I want you." Olivia does not just mean sexually. She wants Alex. She wants those same things with Alex. She wants the family, the marriage, and the happily ever after with Alex. She frames Alex's face with her hands. "Just you." Olivia promises and hopes that will put to rest any doubts that Alex has about her commitment to her.
Alex smiles at her radiantly. She understands. Olivia takes in Alex's red eyes, pink nose, wet and matted hair. "You're so beautiful."
Alex laughs happily, "You've got it bad, Benson."
Olivia smiles at her. "I do, Cabot. Let me show you. Let me love you." And Olivia does. Over and over and over.
The End
Just kidding!
There are still chapters to go and loose ends to tie up. Alex has to meet Noah (next chapter I promise), come out to the Cabots, what about Alex's career? And of course, we have to resolve the whole Elliot angle. Oh no, we're not done yet! Still so much story to tell. Hopefully you continue with me on the journey.
Special thank you to all those have taken the time to review, I truly appreciate each and every review and like I've said previously this story has been shaped by your reviews. So keep reviewing- you guys are my muses!