Part 1

Parody.

I never quite understood the appeal of such an absurdly stupid genre.

Parody represents everything that's wrong with society, and let me tell you, there is a LOT wrong with society, so you should understand how serious this is. Parody stands at the forefront though because it's seriously one of the worst things that have ever existed.

Think about it like this: parody is essentially some random third party taking the work of someone who's toiled countless hours and days, draining their endless patience in creating a unique piece of literature, or television, or light novel, or whatever, and simply reducing it down to its basest elements and then essentially taking credit for it.

And not only that, but those who engage in this display of feigned superiority under the guise of creatorship have the unmitigated gall to make fun of the creators' shortcomings in the process. It's sick, honestly. Parody (like society) is a cancer. A cancer that threatens to overrun the world if left unchecked. A cancer that threatens to squeeze and castrate every last ounce of originality in this horrid society, and we let it flourish. It makes me sick. It's evil.

The only parody that I can approve of is that one American parody where all those idiots are on that airplane. Shirley you must be kidding me that that's the only parody that I can stomach. Don't call me Shirley, but yes it's true. Is this the first thing that's ever been true? No, other things have been true plenty of times before. Also, I'm your father Luke. That's from another American movie. [1]

Regardless, let's get back to the present before I end up throwing out more vague and unnecessary references.

I was slowly walking down the hallway of Sobu High. As usual, my hands were in my pockets and my back was hunched over. My face was drawn into a scowl, and I'm pretty sure my hair was so messy that I had a cowlick sticking right out the top of my head this morning.

When I finally reached the classroom of 2F, I stopped, my hand hovering above the door handle as I contemplated going inside.

I paused there for approximately twenty minutes before sighing and pushing my way in. Class had already started, and I made my way to my seat as all the other kids laughed and made fun of me.

"Late again Hikigaya?" Hiratsuka-sensei asked with a slight smirk.

I shrugged as I sat down.

"Alright, see me after class then. We need to talk."

I shrugged and buried my face into my arms lazily. I didn't need to pay attention because I was the third highest ranked student in Humanities. Second only to Yukinoshita (who trust me, would never let me live it down), and Hayama, who was a perfect riajuu anyways so he didn't count.

When class finally wrapped up, I brought myself over to the teacher's desk, anticipating some choice words on her part.

"Yes Hiratsuka-sensei? What is it?" I asked.

"I read over your paper Hikigaya," Hiratsuka-sensei answered with crossed arms.

"And?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "You should be more specific. Men don't like it when a woman dances around a subject you know," I said cleverly. Stupid Hiratsuka-sensei, always being so vague. This was just one of the reasons she didn't have a boyfriend yet, let alone a husband. I mean, in all hon—

I gasped as a glowing purple fist found its way into my ribcage, knocking the wind straight out of me and leaving me on the floor in a sputtering pile of limbs and gasps.

I groaned as I looked at my attacker, whose eyes were glowing with rage. "You smartass Hikigaya," she glowered. "That was for writing such a terrible paper, and for making fun of my suffering love life. I want a new paper in by this Friday, got it?"

"Yes… ma'am…" I uttered out through ruptured lungs.

"Good," she said before completely breaking out into tears. "Why are men so stupid?! Why am I not married yet?" she cried into the sleeves of her dirty lab coat.

God, if she kept this up, I'd have to marry her on the spot. And to be honest, if I were born ten years earlier, I definitely would have claimed her for my own already.

I shrugged, and left the classroom and a miserable, bawling Hiratsuka-sensei behind in my wake.

It wasn't a long walk to the special building. As I opened the door, I saw two familiar faces.

"Yo," I said.

"Yahallo Hikki!" Yuigahama said happily.

"Hello Hikigaya-kun," Yukinoshita said calmly.

"Yo," I answered.

"Yahallo Hikki!" Yuigahama responded.

"Yo," I nodded.

"Hikigaya-kun, are you simply going to repeat yourself all day or are you going to take a seat like the reliably subservient creature that you are?" Yukinoshita asked, a glint of passion behind her ice-blue eyes.

"Oi Yukinoshita, you may call me a creature, but creatures have all the fun you know? For example, a bear is a creature and bears are not only independent, but they're at the top of their respective food chains too. So in reality, calling me a creature is a pretty big compliment."

"Hikigaya-kun, your self-delusion is impressive. I don't know if I should be scandalized or impressed by your egotistical assertions."

"Hey come on guys… Let's just all relax, ya know? Take it easy or something…" Yuigahama whimpered, eyes wide at the verbal smack down I was accosting Yukinoshita with.

We both shrugged, and I made my way to my usual chair. I pulled out a book and began reading, Yukinoshita doing something similar, and Yuigahama began to play with her pink phone.

A few minutes into the meeting, we received a sudden knock on the door. We all looked up and at each other before Yukinoshita spoke.

"Come in."

The door opened to reveal a girl with flowing white hair, and black-lace panties. Oi… I totally know this girl's name. For some reason, it's just not coming to me though… Katabashi? Sakarani? Itsubaki Kiritaya? Tsuronai Kitsoyugarabashitakiwa?

I was pretty sure that the last one was close, but off by like a letter or something. Still, it would've been embarrassing if I fumbled her name so I stayed quiet and let the other two do the talking.

"What can we help you with Kawasaki-san?" Yukinoshita asked.

Oh, so I was right the first time then.

The girl awkwardly rocked back and forth on her heels, before breathing out and speaking. "I… um. My parents are both out of town for the weekend, and I need to work, so…" she trailed off unsurely.

I regarded Kitsoyugarabashitakiwa suspiciously as I waited for her to spit out what she wanted to say. I couldn't help, "Go on…" from slipping out of my mouth, however.

She suddenly flushed red and said, "Huh?! What's that supposed to mean, idiot? Why are you interrupting me?"

I shrugged and said, "Sorry."

"Stupid Hikki."

"Ass Hikigaya-kun."

I shook off the insults and waited for the white-haired girl to continue. After a few seconds, she said, "I need a babysitter for my little bro tomorrow night."

Little bro huh… Memories of an Onii-chan calling, insectoid, sister-stealing little kid came suddenly bounding into my memory.

"Oh… that kid. I hate him. He called me Onii-chan that one time."

"What did you say?!" Karabani raged.

Oh, that was right. I forgot that she was a damn brocon.

"Nevermind…"

"That's what I thought," she huffed. "So, can you guys do it? I'd really… appreciate it."

Yukinoshita thought on this point for a second, her finger tapping against her chin, before answering, "Yes, I believe we can all assist you tomorrow. What time should we come?"

"Oh… Thanks," Honda replied with a blink. "Uh… come around six o'clock. That's when my shift starts."

"Understood. What is your address?"

"I'm not sure I want that guy over there to know where I live…" Honda said uneasily, whilst looking in my direction.

Yukinoshita slammed her fist on the clubroom table suddenly, scaring the crap out of everyone in the room. She eyed Honda with a murderous gaze. "Hikigaya-kun is a member of this club. If you do not wish to share your information with him, I suggest you leave immediately. I will not have anyone badmouthing him, as that is my duty and my duty alone."

Although surprised that she had stepped up to defend my maidenly honor, I gave her a lazy smile and mouthed 'thanks'. She blushed, and turned away.

Yuigahama laughed uneasily, "Hey come on guys… Let's all just relax, ya know? Take it easy or something…"

Honda blinked and apologized reluctantly. "S-Sorry, I guess. I didn't mean it like that. My address is 9473 Ayanami Lane. Thanks for doing this, though. The guy over there is welcome too then..."

Yukinoshita nodded and met Kawasaki's gaze. That's just how things were though; those two had such similar, abrasive personalities that I doubt they could ever get along perfectly. That was just the unmitigated, core fundamentality of human nature.

With another nod, Kawasaki left the room, leaving us three club members to resume our mundane activities.

I eyed Yukinoshita's slender features, noting the elegant nape of her neck, and her beautiful, flowing, silky, luxurious black hair. I felt my cheeks color when she turned to face me slightly. I turned away immediately.

"I'm kinda jealous you know…" Yuigahama muttered.

"What was that?" Yukinoshita and I both asked at the same time.

"Nothing…"

Suddenly, the door flew open again and we were met with an obnoxiously, high-pitched voice.

"Senpai!" it called out.

I looked up from my book to the door to see a first year sprinting in my direction, her hands holding two plastic bags filled to the brim with snacks and drinks.

"Senpai, carry this for me! It's soo heavy!" she said foxily.

I regarded her for a second before rolling my eyes and standing up from my seat. I didn't want to help her with her damn bags, but my onii-chan instinct was on full alert today, it seemed.

"Yeah, fine," I said.

As I reached out to grab the bags from her hands, she suddenly pulled them back from me with a dour look on her face. "Huh? Don't you want to know what it's for before you help me?"

"Not really…" I answered honestly.

She flushed slightly, her cheeks taking on a slight crimson before her eyes widened and she bowed her head. "I realize that you might think of me as more than a friend and while it would obviously be polite for me to decline you gently because you've helped me in the past I believe it would be best if I reject you firmly so that you don't get the wrong idea. I can't go out with you senpai even though I like older guys and think you're really attractive. Gomenosai."

"Ah, it's not like that," I protested with a grumble.

"Oh…" she answered, her mouth taking on a small 'O' shape as she did. Suddenly, her eyes flitted over to the other two impatient looking girls in the room before she cried out. "Ahh!" She ended up dropping her bags out of surprise, their contents spilling and exploding all over the tiled floor of the clubroom.

"Oh no… I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were here Yukinoshita-senpai and Yui-senpai…"

"Hi Iroha-chan," Yuigahama said quietly.

Yukinoshita fixed her with a cold gaze. "Hello Isshiki-san." Suddenly, her frown turned into a mischievous smile. "Since you have made a mess of the clubroom, I believe you should be the one to clean it. Do you object?"

"N-no!" Isshiki said in a fluster. "I'll do it… Yeah, I'll clean it all up I promise…" she said in a slight whimper. She turned to face me. "Um, senpai? Can you help?"

I wanted to refuse her, but I felt my onii-chan instinct activating yet again, and couldn't help but say, "Yeah, yeah."

We made short work of cleaning up the room, and putting everything back in order. It wasn't long before the floors were spotless again.

With a sigh, I breathed out. I let my body sag against the chair's metallic surface as I surveyed my work.

Ah, work. What a funny and interesting word that holds so many negative connotations. To work is to lose. Working is an outdated practice that preys on an individual's natural inclination to obey authority, and fall submissive to the whims of the capitalist regime, and it's wholly unsurprising that so many are ensnared in its propagandistic lies and fruitless assertions. I'm above that though; I'm way too smart for that type of thing. I'd much rather leech off unemployment and my significant other if at all possible. That's why I'm going to become the best househusband that's ever existed, better believe it! [142]

"Hey Yukinon, what time did Kawasaki say she wanted us to come over again?"

Oh Yuigahama… Kawabashi literally told us the time less than an hour ago. What an absolute airhead.

"Six o'clock Yuigahama-san," Yukinoshita said. "I was aware that your memory is inferior to mine, but now I realize that your mental capacity is rather comparable to a goldfish's if anything at all."

"Yukinooon! That's so unfair!" Yuigahama screeched as she ran at Yukinoshita with balled up fists. Yukinoshita simply took the punishment until Yuigahama grew tired and settled back into her seat.

"Oh, Kawasaki-senpai? Why are you guys going to her house tomorrow night?" Isshiki asked curiously. "Oh! Is there going to be a party? Can I come?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Nah, there won't be any party. We're taking on a request for her, that's all," I answered lazily.

Isshiki looked at me for a second, as if trying to see if I was telling the truth and then smiled. "Ah, suree senpai. I understand." Her grin was blatantly mischievous. "Can I still go with you guys though? I don't really have anything to do, and I don't want to sit at home all night…"

"I do not think that would be a wise idea Isshiki-san…" Yukinoshita said uneasily. "After all, Kawasaki-san only agreed to allowing the three of us to enter her home. We cannot simply bring an extra person without her consent."

"What if I told you that my uncle works at Destiny Studios and can get you in to meet the voice actor for Pan-san from 'Bamboo Crusaders II: Eliminate All Dirty Hebrew Camels'?"

"We will see you there tomorrow night Isshiki-san."

"Instant approval?!" Yuigahama exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.

As the clock ticked the hours away and the sun set lower in the sky, us four that remained in the club realized that it was time to finally pack it all in.

"See ya guys."

"Bye everyone!"

"Bye~"

"Goodbye."

I took off down one direction of the hall, and the others departed the other way. I was alone – just how I liked it, because I was a loner.

As I was walking to the bike racks behind the special building, a certain blonde person caught my attention.

"Yo," I nodded to him.

"Oh. It's you," Hayama Hayato said.

"Yup. What are you doing here? I didn't know you biked."

"I don't."

"Okay…" I said unsurely. Hayama Hayato was such a mysterious guy.

"Yeah…"

"Um, could you move?" I asked him. He blinked once. "You're blocking my bike."

"Oh, sorry about that," he answered refreshingly. He stood there idly for a second before continuing. "Say… Yukinoshita-san sure has been looking happy lately, hasn't she?" His eyes told me that there was more he wanted to say.

"Uh, I guess. I don't really know why that's—"

I was interrupted when Hayama suddenly grabbed my collar and slammed me roughly against the fence.

"Hikigaya… that's the problem. You don't really know anything, yet for some reason you always think that you do. Just leave it alone won't you?" he asked, a mask of anger but also thinly concealed pain painted on his face.

"Uh… okay," I answered uneasily.

He loosened his grip and backed off. "Sorry about that," he said, his face reverting back to its refreshing self. With a wave, and another small smile, he walked off into the distance.

"Right."

As I mounted my bike and began to pedal home, I couldn't get his words out of my head.

'I don't…'

Why wouldn't he bike when biking was the most convenient form of transportation for a high school student? That guy was certainly a mystery. I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I made my way back home.

"I'm home," I called out as I entered the front door. As I walked in, I saw our fat cat Kamakura lazing around in his carpet castle. He was incredibly lazy, like me, but because we were so alike, he didn't like me.

"Hey Onii-chan! In here!" a voice said from the kitchen.

It was Komachi's voice. I made my way into the kitchen to see her reading a magazine at the counter, a loose shirt dangling over her frame.

"Hey," I said as I plopped myself down on the couch.

"How was your day Onii-chan?"

"Oh, you know. Crappy, as is the rest of my youth."

"Uh huh… You know you sound really stupid when you say melodramatic things like that right?"

"Yeah, I know."

Then again, melodrama, like everything else, was something that possessed no purely objective classification. What one person might consider melodrama, another might consider normal or ordinary. Beyond the realms of metaphysicality or some absurd ascension project utilizing gigantic robots and shoehorned Christian imagery, it was a safe enough assertion that humans are subjective by nature and therefore melodrama is a purely subjective experience.

Society was vile like that. It means to curb everyone's ideas and form them into one, uniform, solitary vacuum where no individual's ideas are allowed to spring free and flourish. Society is evil. Youth is evil. IT'S ALL EV—

"Uh Onii-chan? Why do you have that disgusting look on your face?"

"I have no such thing. Carry on with what you were doing."

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, but eventually shrugged it off as she turned back to her magazine to read.

I started the conversation up again when I remembered something that had marginal relevance to my little sister.

"Hey, what was the name of that pathetic kid who was desperately pining after you at that restaurant that one time again?"

"Oh, you mean Taishi-kun," she answered immediately. "What about him?"

"Apparently me and the other club members are going to be babysitting him tomorrow night. Just thought I'd let you know," I shrugged.

Her eyes lit up suddenly. "Oh! Can I come Onii-chan? It'd be super fun if I got to hang out with Yukino-san, Yui-san, and Taishi-kun. Especially all at once!"

"Nah, that would just be more work for me. You know, keeping you away from that insect and out of trouble."

"Oh, come on," she pouted. "Pleeeeease Onii-chan? It would make Komachi very, very happy!"

I could feel my defenses crumbling as I regarded her adorable, smiling face. Maybe I really was a siscon…

"Okay, yeah. Fine."

"You're the best big bro ever!" she said with a toothy grin. "KOMACHI POINT EXPLOSION!" she exclaimed loudly!

I rolled my eyes. "I'm gonna go to bed. I'll come pick you up tomorrow before we all leave."

"Okie dokie! G'night Onii-chan!"

"Night."

I glided up the stairs quickly before settling into my cool sheets. At first I smiled as I thought about the days' events, but when I realized what I was doing, I quickly slapped it off my face with an open palm. I forced my face into a frown with my fingers, and began humming the mantra 'Youth is a lie. Youth is a lie. Youth is a lie' over and over again until I was satisfied with my cynicism.

Yes… That was right.

Youth was a criminal, and I, its greatest accomplice.

Author's Notes: Written all in one sitting, and all in under three hours. This was just way too fun to write to stop. I hope at least a few people have similar senses of humor, because otherwise there are going to be a lot of upset fans in the fandom, and soon. This story will be short, but expect a few more installments to be coming. Thanks for reading.