Part 2

Walking. In all honesty, it's such a ridiculously overrated concept. The idea of having to propel yourself forward with your own willpower, your own stamina, and then having your legs be sore and raw the next day. It was all a crock of shit.

In a way, walking is sort of like the struggle of youth. You're expected to engage in it every day, and like every other day, it's painful, unrewarding, and just flat out hurts. You live it, but you hate it all the meanwhile.

Youth and walking are lies.

At this point, you might be asking yourself 'wait, why exactly are they lies'? Well, don't. Just roll with it.

As I cursed my luck for having purchased such a piece of trash bicycle that fell apart every other day without exception, I made my way over to my seat so that I could rest my sore legs.

As I sat there, rubbing myself, I heard a bright voice greet me. One that exuded untainted purity.

"Good morning Hachiman."

My eyes immediately turned up to face the voice of that person, and I found myself both speechless and breathless as soon as they landed on the person of my abject affections. My rubbing intensified.

"Y-Yo," I stumbled out as I struggled to desperately fold one leg across the other.

"How's it going Hachiman? I haven't talked to you in a while."

This angel was talking to me, ME, of all people. I felt faint as I looked into those precious, sexually ambiguous eyes and that damningly feminine smile.

"I want to spoon you as we fall asleep and feed you porridge in the morning through a straw," I said all at once.

"Huh? What was that?"

"Nothing," I said coolly. "I've been good. How about you?"

"Oh. Umm… Tennis club has been going pretty well I guess, but aside from that I haven't really been doing much," he said adorably. "How's club going? Have you gotten any new requests lately?"

"Kawasaki wanted us to babysit her brother so we're all stopping there after school today you should come," I blurted out suddenly.

Ah, laying it on a little too thick there Hachiman! Relax! Reel him in easy…

"I mean, if you want to come, I'm not going to say no," I shrugged.

Totsuka's surprised expression softened quickly, and he smiled before saying, "Oh, in that case, yeah. I'd love to join you guys. When are you going?"

"We're all leaving later. I'll pick you up after school," I said, blushing as I realized the potential duality of that statement.

He smiled happily.

That smile was holy, but deserved to have unholy things done to it.

"Alright, sounds good! See you later then!"

"Goodbye handsome," I whispered with a wet breath.

When I finally managed to relax, I realized that Hiratsuka-sensei had entered the classroom and had started the lesson.

In the middle of speaking about symbolism in advanced literature, she suddenly pulled out a flask and downed the entire thing in one sip. The class gasped, but she merely brushed them off with, 'prudes', before proceeding to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes immediately after.

By the time class was over, Hiratsuka-sensei had to be taken away by stretcher due to alcohol or nicotine poisoning, or something. I didn't really pay attention because my mind was still focused on the aroma of Totsuka's lilac perfume as it drifted into my nostrils.

I sighed lovingly before standing up when I realized that class was over.

However, as I did, I heard a conversation erupt from the middle of the room.

"Hayato, wait! Please, just this once!"

"Sorry Yumiko… I just need to be alone right now. You understand, don't you?"

The manicured, blonde boy gave a small, refreshing smile before pushing past some lingering students and making his way out of the room.

"I can't… I can't believe him! How could he do that?!" Miura wailed. "I thought we… I thought we had something," she added with a sullen whisper.

Yuigahama jumped to her aid and cooed softly. "There there Yumiko… He probably just has something on his mind. Here, we'll go shopping later and I'll buy you something okay? That'll take your mind off things."

Miura nodded like a beaten toddler as she took in Yuigahama's words. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her as I watched her crumble in on herself.

"Man that Hayama… What a jerk," I whispered under my breath as I looked at the crying girl.

Miura suddenly flashed her eyes towards me, but unlike the murderous glare that I was expecting, her eyes looked soft and almost inviting as she regarded me. Her pink lips parted slightly as she blinked a few times, and her cheeks flushed a sudden soft crimson. I couldn't pull my gaze away from hers.

I thought for the first time then that Miura was actually a cute girl.

As I walked through the exit of the classroom door, I thought I heard someone quietly whisper, 'Oh Hikio…'

I shrugged and made my way out of the room, leaning against the side of a locker as I waited for Yuigahama.

"Hey! Why didn't you wait for me?!" Yuigahama yelled, suddenly appearing out of nowhere like a banshee.

"I did…" I muttered as I turned to look at her undoubtedly annoyed face.

Though, rather than simply annoyed, her face looked murderous and unbelievably twisted. She was the spitting image of a yandere character if I'd ever seen one. Suddenly, she took her bag, and smacked me across my shoulder, instantly snapping two bones, and tearing one of my major tendons.

I cried out in pain and fell to the floor in a heap, trying my best to breathe through the agony. "Ow…"

"Hmph. Serves you right for not waiting Hikki," she said haughtily. "Oh, and after you go to the nurse's office, hurry and get to the clubroom okay? Yukinon said she brought a special blend of tea today, so we shouldn't keep her waiting too long."

I struggled to keep conscious as the pain ravaged my body. Although I could barely see her through my watery, fading vision, I managed to nod.

She seemed to have noticed my slight discomfort, because after tilting her head slightly, she patted my shoulder lightly and said something along the lines of 'feel better soon'. Although I couldn't make out her words verbatim, it was really the thought that counted after all, so I didn't care much.

As I passed out from the pain, I thought to myself that it was incredibly generous of her to spare me attention, even when I was the one who was at fault in that situation. I was a despicable person that was undeserving of companionship and the niceties of others, after all.

No matter what, it could not be said that Yuigahama wasn't a nice girl.

When I finally regained consciousness, I dragged my broken body to the school infirmary. As I knocked uneasily and stood at the cusp of the door, I realized that it was devoid of any personnel. The only other person that was in there was one overweight, pathetic Chuunibyou, currently lying splayed out on a bench.

Oh god, not this guy again. I walked away, hoping that he hadn't seen me, but I wasn't so lucky.

"Hohoho, is that a Hachiman I spy with my little eye?" he called out in a disgustingly nasally voice.

I paused and made my way into the room, my retreat having been cut off prematurely. "Yo…"

"And what is a person like you doing here on a day like this?"

"I hurt my arm," I answered, raising my shoulder slightly to show him the damage.

"Ah! Gods! That is repulsive!" he said with wide eyes, backing away further into the corner to get away from me.

Can't even stand the sight of a little blood. Zaimokuza was the most pathetic person I knew.

"Whatever," I muttered as I walked further into the room. "Why are you here?"

"Are you referring to myself, Hachiman?" he asked boisterously.

"Yes…"

"O-Oh. I see," he blushed.

What the hell are you blushing for man? That's sort of disgusting coming from a person like yourself…

He coughed before saying, "You see, I am here so that I may avoid the perils and dangers of the evil institution known as physical education!"

"I should've known…" I shook my head. "You really are pathetic Zaimokuza."

"Ahh!" he yelled, clutching his hand to his heart as if I had mortally wounded him with my words alone. I felt a rising urge to pummel him as he indulged himself in theatrics. "You wound me Hachiman! You wound me!"

I ignored him, and set myself down on a bench as I waited for a nurse to come in and tend to my injuries.

However, my reprieve was cut short when Zaimokuza obnoxiously said, "Hachiman! It almost slipped my attention! I have a new script that I would like you to check out. Would you be so kind as to regale me with your opinion, sire?"

I was shaking my head no when a flimsy piece of lined paper was shoved into my hands. There were some crappy drawings on it, and after I scanned it over once, I realized that the writing was just as crappy, if not crappier.

"This is a piece of dog shit."

"UF!" Zaimokuza fell to the floor with a sickening thud, probably hitting his head on something metal on the way down. I thought he had surely died, but he managed to mumble something immediately after so my happiness was short lived. "Why do you do this to me Hachiman…"

I shrugged both shoulders, and suddenly realized that my shoulder wound had miraculously healed. I thanked God that I would no longer have to stay in the same room as this ridiculous person.

"Well, I have to go to club. Later."

As I walked away however, a cool voice drifted towards me. "Knock em' dead Hachiman… Knock em' straight dead."

I paused. "You know when you say things like that, I can't help but think that you're actually cool."

"I see. Well—"

I slammed the door in his face.

"How much furrrttheeerr?" Isshiki whined.

"I believe we are getting close. Kawasaki-san said that her house was located on Ayanami street, which is only a few blocks away," Yukinoshita answered calmly, her steps quiet against the sidewalk.

I looked to my left at the ragtag team that we had assembled to babysit that poisonous insect Taishi Kawasaki, and rolled my eyes.

"Ooh, Komachi-chan, you've been there before right? How's the house? Is it big? Is there a lot of furniture and stuff in there?" Yuigahama asked with excited eyes.

"Yep! I've only been there a few times, but it's a pretty nice place. It's not that big or anything, but the décor is really nice! I think Taishi-kun's onee-san was the one who got to choose the colors and furniture and stuff."

Honda liked to sew, and was creative, and therefore liked to decorate things as well.

"Oh senpai, I heard that you invited Totsuka-senpai to babysit too. Did you?" Isshiki asked me curiously as she tugged on my cuffs.

The other girls eyed us and my cuffs curiously. "Yeah, I told him that we'd walk with him, but he said he had to do something before he came. He'll be over later," I answered.

"Ohh. I see," she said. "Thanks for giving me such a succinct answer senpai. That scores really high in Iroha points, ya know!"

Seriously… Komachi and Isshiki really were two similar individuals. I'd always thought that except for the fact that Komachi was cute and Isshiki wasn't, that they were practically the same even.

Isshiki was slightly different than Komachi was, sure, but they were comparable. Perhaps the one detail that set them apart lay in the fact that Isshiki wasn't adorable, while my sister, Hikigaya Komachi, was.

It was undeniable that they shared analogous qualities. However, the one thing that might have differentiated them was that Isshiki, while sly and awfully Komachi-like, was no Komachi. Why you may ask? Simple. Because she wasn't as charming.

Did I mention that Isshiki was an uncute Komachi?

I expected my little sister to interject and say something along the lines of 'that's my line! Give it back you uncute bitch!' but nothing like that came.

In fact, when I made a serious effort to look around, I noticed that Komachi had disappeared altogether.

"Huh? Where did…" I began as something on my chest suddenly caught my attention.

A post-it note secured with a piece of tape was latched right in the center of my chest. "What the…"

As I peeled it off of me and inspected it, I saw that it was Komachi's handwriting.

'Hehe. Komachi decided to leave you alone with these lovely ladies for a while. If you can't simply choose one, Komachi says go for the harem ending! Don't worry, I'm not ditching you completely. I'll meet you at the Kawasaki house. Enjoy your walk!'

I shook my head as I realized what Komachi had just pulled. I wasn't blind, and it was obvious that she was trying to get me a girlfriend. I shrugged off her attempt and continued walking.

When we finally reached the entrance of Kawasaki manor, I raised my hand to knock. However, before I could, a wave of realization hit me and I quickly shoved Isshiki into the nearby bush with as much force as I could.

"Ahh! What was that for senpai?"

"Shh. You're not supposed to be here," I shushed her.

After I knocked on the door, Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, and I were left to wait at the front entrance of the medium-sized house.

When the door opened, a white-haired girl dressed in a waiter's uniform appeared.

"Hey guys…" she said uneasily as she regarded our trio.

"Hello Kawasaki-san. We're here to fulfill your request. It is exactly six o'clock," Yukinoshita said.

"Oh… yeah. I'm glad you guys are so… punctual," Chevrolet answered.

She stepped aside before saying, "Come in."

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama walked in first, and although I was slightly behind them, something in the bushes caught my eye.

Isshiki, who was looking at me with watery, pleading eyes, was mouthing something that I guessed was, 'When are you going to come and get me senpai?'

I rolled my eyes before entering the house and shutting the door behind me.

"Nice place…" I muttered as I entered. Truth be told, it was decorated rather well.

"Yeah, thanks…" Chevrolet said under her breath. After we all took a seat on the couch, she began to speak. "Alright, so my parents are out of town, and I have to work a long shift, so I'm not going to be back until around midnight."

"I just want to go home… To work is to lose..." I muttered dejectedly out of nowhere.

"Be quiet Hikigaya-kun. This is an official Service Club case, so your participation is mandatory," Yukinoshita said coldly.

"Yeah I know."

"Heh heh…" Yuigahama laughed awkwardly.

Chevrolet lifted an eyebrow and then continued talking. "Right… Well, Taishi is taking his usual hour nap right now, so he won't be up for a while. When he does get up, you guys just need to heat the dinner in the fridge for him and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble okay?"

"I see. That sounds rather simple. We won't let you down; I guarantee it, Kawasaki-san. When I say that I will accomplish something, I always intend to follow through with it, no matter the cost. You have my word," Yukinoshita said with a burning determination in her eyes, her hands gripped into fists.

"Heh heh…" Yuigahama laughed awkwardly.

I rolled my eyes and Tesla Motors said, "O-Oh. Right… I'll be going then. Take care."

We all nodded and before we knew it, we were left to our own devices.

I turned the TV in the living room to an anime, but was quickly reproached by Yukinoshita, who seized the remote from my hands and browsed until she reached the cat channel.

As the two of us sat there, watching two kittens mewling around on the screen – Yukinoshita's face twisted into a sinister grin – Yuigahama spoke up from the kitchen.

"Oh! It looks like Kawasaki-san has chocolate mix! I wonder if she bought it for Valentine's day…" Yuigahama trailed off quietly.

"Valentine's Day is the epitome of what our consumer culture has led us to become. Not only is the holiday a glorified bastion for chocolate companies to peddle their wares onto us unsuspecting youth-indulgers, but it's also a terrible day because everyone's always rejected me and nobody ever ends up giving me chocolate because girls just don't seem to like me," I shrugged.

"Hikigaya-kun… Have you ever perhaps thought that the reason you don't like the holiday is because you've never received any chocolate from the opposite sex?" Yukinoshita inquired with a smirk.

"I literally just said that."

Yukinoshita's expression turned into one of surprise, and her cheeks colored heavily. "O-Oh," she said quietly.

"I…" she began, but then cut herself off before turning away slightly. With a light curl of her fists, she summoned the willpower to continue. "Perhaps… Um..."

She twisted and turned uncomfortably as she struggled with her words, her arms wrapping around herself awkwardly in the process. "Perhaps this… Ah," she trailed off. "Um… I…" she breathed.

I discretely checked my watch.

"Perhaps… I coul—"

She was interrupted by a loud slamming of tiny fists on a window.

Both turning to look at the person who'd dared to interrupt our tender moment, we saw Isshiki outside, tears running down her face, and her mouth opening repeatedly to scream something we couldn't hear.

With a roll of my eyes, I walked over to the front door, and opened it to let her in.

"You're such a jerk senpai!" she whined. "That was a thorn bush you pushed me into! I'm bleeding everywhere now!"

True to her word, she was. Her uniform seemed to be torn, and she was bleeding out of multiple puncture wounds in her small, lithe body.

"I think I saw some dirty tissues in the trash can. Use those," I said as I ushered her towards the kitchen carelessly. I plopped back down on the couch and turned back to Yukinoshita.

"What were you saying before?"

"H-Huh?" Yukinoshita started. "Oh… Nothing. I was just saying that you remind me of a Streptococcus Pyogenes, Hikigaya-kun."

"Hey, that's not nice…"

"What's not nice, Streptococcus PyogenesHikigaya-kun?"

"Never mind."

This damn tsundere… and just when I thought we were getting somewhere. I rolled my eyes before asking, "Hey, have you seen Komachi around? She kind of took off back there…"

"Yes, I believe that she's in Taishi-kun's room right now."

"What?!" I yelled out as the thought of the insect defiling my virginal sister flashed through my mind.

I ran up the stairs, kicking down every door until I found the right one. When I finally pushed it open with a swift roundhouse, I saw Taishi-kun sleeping peacefully in his bed.

I contemplated strangling him for a second, but decided against it when I realized that his sister would probably kill me for it when she got home.

Shrugging, I trotted back down the stairs. "Nope. She's not in there."

"Who's not in there?" someone asked from behind me. I started when I heard that voice, and blindly threw a jab in its direction, but with a swift block and sweep on its owner's part, I was down on the floor.

"Ow…" I said as my vision swam. I looked up to see my attacker and saw that it was none other than Komachi herself.

"Sorry Onii-chan… Instinct," she said coldly.

"Don't worry about it…" I muttered as I pushed myself up on bruised buns.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. It had to have been Totsuka.

I rushed over to the door, trampling an already battered Isshiki in the process, and threw it open on its hinges.

"Hi Hachiman…" Totsuka said with a slight wave.

I blinked in surprise, because although I had expected to see Totsuka when I'd opened the door, I did not expect to see the other individuals that were gathered around them.

"YO HIKITANI-KUN!" a bleached-haired hooligan suddenly exclaimed.

"Hikio…" another voice muttered quietly.

"Yaoihallo Hikitani. We were told that there was a steamy boy love party being held here tonight," the girl with grey hair and glasses said.

"…Party?" I stammered out.

"Yah dawg, I mean Irohasu told us that there was gonna be a big rager tonight, right? We came here to partyyyyy man, and we ain't takin' no for an answer!" the miscreant winked.

I wanted to slam the door closed in their faces, but realized that my precious cuddle bug Totsuka was still standing out there, so I stayed my hand.

"There's no party here. Go home," I said.

"You're abandoning me too Hikio…?" a small voice whispered.

I was thinking about how I would handle the situation when a voice called out from the kitchen, "Oh! Tobe-senpai, Miura-senpai, Ebina-senpai! Hi! Come in!"

Taking that as an invitation, they pushed past me and made their ways into the house.

I blinked, shocked.

"Aren't you going to say something Yukinoshita?" I asked.

She simply ignored me and kept her gaze focused on the cat-related programming on the television. Somehow, she had managed to find a Pan-san plushie and was hugging it around her cutting-board, AA, flat as a strand of yarn chest.

"Come on Hikki… We should let them stay. As long as they don't make a mess, there won't be a problem right?" Yuigahama asked.

I sighed out. "Yeah… I guess so. Just stay in the living room alright?" I said, addressing the group of extroverted, well-liked riajuus.

Ebina said something in affirmation and Miura simply stared at me, her eyelashes fluttering a few times as she did. Totsuka gave me a cute smile.

Where was that other fool, Tobe…

I found him standing in a corner, saying something loudly into his phone. "Yeah, come on! That's right. 9473 Ayanami lane! Yeah, tell Hayato-kun to get his butt over here too! Oh, and invite everyone you know! This place is seriously dead right now!"

A pang of anger flashed through me, and I wrestled the phone away from his hand. "What are you doing?" I asked incredulously.

"Just getting this party started, man."

Author's Notes: No. Fic. Is. Safe. Not even (or maybe especially) my own. More jabs at specific stories will be coming in the next chapter – look forward to it!

So, did anyone get a crack out of this? Because there were a few parts that I actually couldn't stop laughing at as I was writing it. I'm probably my own biggest fan… It's pathetic. I actually ended up having to tone down some of the fun poking, because it was getting a little too extreme in some parts. This is the 'PG' version if you can believe it.

There were a couple more tropes that I missed and wanted to address, but I decided to forgo them in favor of moving the plot (if you can call it that) along. Perhaps they'll find their ways into the next chapter.

Anyways, thanks a lot for reading. I'm glad people seem to be enjoying it so far.