Part 3
Youth is like napkins. Napkins are just tools to be utilized to clean up a nasty, dirty mess, and then discarded immediately after. The crappy cheap fibers of the crappily, cheaply made napkin will absorb some of the spilled vomit on the floor, sure, but obviously, it can't absorb all of it because it's crappy. And cheaply made, too.
Youth was like that, in that it was crappy. Therefore, because of this, I can say without a doubt that, napkins and youth are both evil.
I ended up dumping the entire bag of napkins over the crusty spittle on the floor and walking away afterwards. It wasn't my house, so I guess it wasn't really my problem.
After, I made my way into the living room only to grimace when I saw how many people had shown up since I'd last checked.
Tobe had invited a bunch of random people into Hondasaki's house, and they were currently dancing, playing loud music, and making gigantic fools of themselves.
Yukinoshita, being a loner herself, was still seated on the couch, Pan-san pillow hugged firmly to her chest, her eyes still glued to the cartoon bobcats dancing on the television screen, while rowdy teenagers were dancing and making out next to her.
Deciding that I couldn't do much to help her, I shrugged and made my way into the kitchen.
As I did, I vaguely noted the smell of burnt food. Walking further into the kitchen, I saw Yuigahama fanning a flame with her hands, her gigantic breasts moving up and down as she panickedly jumped.
"Ah! Hikki, help!" she said when she saw me standing around.
Blinking out of my breast-induced trance, I walked over to the stove and shut it off, thereby turning off the flame that Yuigahama had been fanning.
"Phew. Thanks Hikki, I don't know what I would've done without you."
I shrugged and let her bask in her own ignorance.
"Um… I made some chocolate," she said softly. "Do you wanna… try it?"
I looked at the counter where she'd already laid out a few pieces of charcoal on a plate.
"Uh… thanks, but I'm not hungry," I answered.
"Please try it."
She picked up the plate and handed it to me carefully. I grasped it with both hands and looked at the pieces of sludge, then at her slightly flushed face. My heart began to race.
As I looked at those shining, teary eyes, only one solitary thought crossed my mind: Yuigahama was a nice girl.
Raising my hands slowly at first, then as quickly and powerfully as I could, I took her chocolate and I threw it to the ground.
"Pump that garbage in another man's veins," I said as a tear slid down my cheek.
She didn't deserve this. I was the worst.
I left the kitchen without another word, leaving Yuigahama to cry her eyes out by herself.
Yuigahama was a nice girl, but I was an adult.
I made my way upstairs when I remembered that there was something that I'd forgotten to check on.
I pushed and elbowed my way through the growing throngs of partygoers, and when I finally reached the top of the stairs, I rushed to the walk-in closet of the master bedroom.
Pulling the door open and seeing that the little insect was still tied to a chair inside, I let out a breath of relief. I was really worried for a second there…
"Mmm! Mmmpph! MMM!" the boy fruitlessly struggled against his restraints and worked his hardest to be noticed. I decided that I could throw him a bone this time, and sauntered over to him.
I tore the duct tape off of his mouth, and he let out a shriek.
"What is it?" I asked impatiently.
"I… Please Onii-chan, I'm hungry."
"I'm not your Onii-chan. Saying things like that is the reason you're like this in the first place," I shook my head. "Besides, I already fed the dinner your sister made for you to some stray dogs outside, so there's nothing left."
"Onii-chan! PLEASE! I'm-"
I cut him off by putting the piece of tape back over his mouth. I dragged the chair further into the closet, turned off the light, then shrugged.
"Keep it down, will you?" I rolled my eyes as I left the room.
As I was walking down the stairs, I noticed a refreshingly handsome blonde boy standing by himself in a far corner of the room.
Against my better judgment, I walked over to him and gave him a light greeting.
"Hey…"
"THE PERSON I LIKE'S NAME BEGINS WITH Y OKAY!?" Hayama suddenly screamed, his eyes awash with sheer frustration.
I merely tripped over my feet in surprise. Everyone in the crowded living room turned to stare at him.
He looked away, his hands curling into fists. "You wouldn't understand it anyways. We're different Hikigaya."
"Okay…"
Yeah. He was batshit insane and I wasn't.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Even over the loud music, I could hear its cheerful tone.
"Hikitani, man! Can you grab that?" Tobe called out through cupped hands from the other side of the room.
Glad for an excuse to get away from the blonde psychopath, I reluctantly nodded.
The person I saw as I opened the door wasn't whom I'd been expecting to see at all.
"Oh. Hello there Hikigaya-kun," she drawled. "I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight."
Yukinoshita Haruno looked at me with mischievous eyes, her smile twisting sinisterly, almost as if she were… some sort of… monster, or something. A monster of depending, or… relying, or something.
"Well, are you just going to stand around all day or are you going to let your nee-san in?"
I didn't really have much of a choice as she pushed past me and strolled inside.
Going to a high school 'party' when you were in college huh?
"You really are a friendless aspie, aren't you?"
"What was that?"
"Nothing…" I shrugged as she pushed her coat into my arms.
"Where's Yukino-chan? She's here too right?"
Somehow I knew that she already had the answer to that question.
"She's on the couch I think," I answered.
Haruno took a second to take in Yukinoshita's hunched up form, and a cruel smile twisted its way up her face. "Oh Yukino-chan. You really never change, do you?" she shook her head. "If you're not relying on me, then you're relying on Hikigaya-kun, and when you're not doing that…" she paused thoughtfully. "You're relying on 'Frisky Feline Adventures' to keep you company." Her face turned into a snarl, dementing her otherwise seriously undeniable good looks. "Pretty pathetic, isn't it Hikigaya-kun?"
"Yep, pathetic." I agreed readily.
She turned to me with wide eyes. "Huh? You're not going to defend Yukino-chan?"
I peeked my head over the corner first at Yukinoshita, then at the pair of conjoined, dancing cats on the television screen. "Nope."
She suddenly leaned straight into me, her breath tickling my lip as she whispered, "That's not very gentlemanly of you Hikigaya-kun."
Too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close, too close!
With a laugh, she grabbed me by the hand and dragged me into one of the spare rooms upstairs.
As the door shut, I asked, "What are we doing?"
"Talking," she answered.
"About what?"
"Your love life."
"I think Hayama might like you," I blurted out suddenly.
"He used to be interesting, now he's boring," she said instantly. I heard a cry erupt from outside the door. "Now that we've cleared that unnecessary formality, let's move on to your love life, hmm?"
I shrugged. "Whatever."
"I saw what you did to Gahama-chan earlier. Cold, Hikigaya-kun, cold," she said with a mock wince.
Ignoring her godlike abilities to understand any and absolutely every detail of my life, I asked, "You did?"
"Yep. Throwing a random plate filled with hockey pucks onto the floor in front of a woman isn't very polite you know…" she said with a faux frown.
"It was chocolate..."
She gasped in what was the first genuine reaction I'd possibly ever seen from her. Her eyes turned wide and she dropped the playful tone. "…What? Really?"
"Really."
"Oh… then I'm so sorry Hikigaya-kun. I take everything I said back," she offered with still wide eyes. "Yukino-chan is the obvious choice then, right? At least she doesn't make you eat sludge chocolate."
"There's nothing going on between us," I declared firmly.
"We'll see," she smiled twistedly. "Bye Hikigaya-kun," she said, disappearing instantly. I blinked in surprise and began to look around, but there was no mistaking it.
She, like the prime years of my youth, was gone.
Shaking my head, I found my way back downstairs where I found Yukinoshita (whose show was probably over at this point) and Yuigahama engaged in a heated argument.
"I won't lose Yukinon…"
"Yuigahama-san, there is no need to do this. Perhaps we can reach a compromise…"
"No! Not this time Yukinon!"
My heart beat faster as I realized that they were talking about winning my affections. I pulled at my hair as I realized the madness of the situation.
I can't pick, I just can't pick!
Scrambling out from behind my hiding spot, I quickly raced back up the stairs, and pushed myself through the sliding glass doors of the master bedroom.
As I panted, my cheeks flushed from exertion and embarrassment, I noticed a figure sitting on the part of the roof that was accessible from the terrace. She was smoking a cigarette and gazing off into the starry night sky.
Blinking a few times as I realized who it was, I called out, "…Hiratsuka-sensei? Is that you?"
The figure turned to lazily blink at me before recognition crossed her features. "Oh, Hikigaya. Surprise seeing you here," she responded.
I stared at her in mute shock. "What… Why do you sound like that?"
"Oh, this?" she said in a tinny, robotic voice. "That's what smoking for eleven years will do to you. I have this little hole in my throat, and this voice box is the only way I can talk or eat now."
I stared at her.
"It's really not so bad. Alcohol actually tastes better this way."
"Oh…" I responded dumbly. "Wait, didn't you have to go to the hospital this morning?"
"Yup. That's where I got this little guy," she said, pointing to her metallic throat. "I also found out that my kidneys are failing."
"I see…" I said. "So, what are you doing here?"
"Me?" she hopped off the roof's surface, and settled onto the rail beside me. "I'm here to give you a conveniently timed pep talk that will put everything in perspective, and will help you solve all of your problems, that's all."
"Gotcha. I could use one of those right about now," I muttered.
"So who are you gonna pick?"
I dug my face into my hands. "I don't know… Honestly, I just don't know…"
She patted me on my back and stared off into the distance with a thoughtful expression in her eyes. Her voice was soft and soothing. "Try, Hikigaya. Try. That's all you can do in a situation like this. Just try," she said with an absolute sense of conviction.
I nodded at her words for a second before I paused and my face scrunched up in confusion.
"Wait, what do you mean try? Try what? That makes no sense in this context."
She nodded. "Writhe, struggle, and suffer. Without those things, what you hope to gain isn't truly genuine," she continued.
"Huh? I don't even want anything genuine… I just need to make a pro and con list or something."
"That's all I can say Hikigaya. The rest is up to you."
"Um, Hiratsuka-sensei?" I asked curiously. But she was gone. "Spooky…" I whispered as I watched Hiratsuka-sensei duck behind a planter.
What she said was true though.
Genuine…
That word rung through my brain, like sheets of hail pummeling an elderly handicapped man.
There was only one thought that crossed my mind that I could truly call genuine at that point in time. The tiniest hint of a smile found my lips as I reached a new level of understanding that seemed to transcend godhood itself.
"It all makes sense now…" I whispered into the chilly night air.
With a sprint, I flung myself back into the house, in the process accidentally knocking the planter and anyone behind it off the balcony with a sickening thud.
As I flew down the stairs two by two, adrenaline pumped through my veins. This was the moment; this was my moment. It would all be decided here and now – my future, my happiness, everything. I had something that I absolutely needed to say; something that I wouldn't let fade into the background before expounding it from my lungs as loudly as humanly possible.
As I stuck the landing onto the plush carpet, I shouted, "May I please have everyone's attention?"
The music immediately cut off, and every pair of eyes in the house turned to me, Yuigahama's and Yukinoshita's included.
I cleared my throat before turning my most intense and passionate gaze towards the two girls. "I've decided…" I started. Suddenly I felt as if I'd lost both my nerve and my voice all at once. I closed my eyes and let out a shallow sigh through my nostrils.
"I've decided…" I repeated myself with more conviction this time.
"I've decided that…"
The room was dead silent as I stood there; it seemed as if everyone's eyes were pinned to my face and mouth as I said those next words,
"YOUTH IS A LIE!"
An immediate sigh of relief escaped my lungs and I collapsed onto my knees from the adrenaline that was leaving my system. Goddamn… That might've been the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever have to do…
"I'm sorry but," I whispered, turning away from them. I took a second to collect myself. "But… youth is a lie. That's the one thing that I know for sure," I grit out through clenched teeth. I felt moisture at the edges of my eyes, but I didn't let it roll down my cheeks like I wanted to. "Oh yeah, and I like you both and hope that we can all still have a genuine relationship, but I can't choose. Sorry," I shrugged.
I then bowed my head in defeat and prepared to face the consequences, whatever those might end up being.
"What the hell are you talking about Hikki?" Yuigahama asked suddenly.
"I don't understand either…" Yukinoshita added quietly.
I looked up from where I had keeled over, and glanced at their confused faces.
"Um… Youth isn't real. It's a lie," I said unsurely.
"No we couldn't possibly care less about that if we tried," Yukinoshita said, dashing my heart to pieces. "What were you saying about choosing?"
I blinked as I realized what she was getting at. "I… overheard you guys. Talking in the kitchen. About… which one of you would get me as your boyfriend," I clarified, blushing as I thought about how madly in love these two girls were with me.
"We never talked about anything like that…" Yuigahama muttered.
I sat there, shocked.
"What?"
"We did not discuss which one of us would be your girlfriend Hikigaya…" Yukinoshita said through narrowed eyes. "I knew that you were shallow and self-centered, but I was not aware that the depths of your depravity went this far."
I could only stare mutely at them as I realized that I had just made a gigantic fool of myself.
Shaking their heads, the two girls walked back into the kitchen and out of sight.
"Fucking creep," someone whispered.
Hanging my head in shame, I plopped myself down on a couch, and sipped lowly at some MAX Coffee. Even when I was feeling like the world's biggest piece of excrement, a nice, chilled can of Coca-Cola's original, delicious coffee flavored drink was MORE than enough to lift my spirits and cheer me up.
Humming a show tune to myself, I relaxed onto the plush cushions, wincing only when I heard the telltale sound of keys jingling against a lock.
Without prompt, the front door swung open slowly to reveal a white-haired girl in a waiter's uniform, cradling a smaller girl in her arms. Her face was bank with surprise, but as quickly as it had come, it had gone and was instead replaced by furious indignation.
"What the HELL is going on here?"
Everyone in the room froze as they heard that powerful yell.
Everyone scrambled out like cockroaches, leaving only Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, Isshiki, and I left to deal with the pure, unmitigated rage of Konohamarusaki Saki.
"I'll wait for you Hikio…" a soft voice called out to me from somewhere before fading out completely.
Konohamaru stared at us coldly before asking, "What the hell is going on here? I leave you three alone to babysit Taishi for a few hours, and you throw a party? I can't believe this."
The three sane ones of the group shared guilty looks, but one girl in particular refused to back down from what should have been a losing situation.
"I do not like your tone Kawasaki-san," Yukinoshita said with a cold gaze.
"Excuse me? You don't like my tone?"
"I am glad to know that you are capable of understanding basic Japanese. It's most impressive."
Konohamaru simply stared at Yukinoshita in wordless disbelief. "You… you guys trashed my house…"
"You are incorrect. We did not trash your house. The people that were invited over did that."
"But you let them! Yukinoshita…" she shook her head incredulously. "I thought you were more responsible than this…"
"Silence. Your grades are inferior to mine, and my family is also wealthier than yours. You cannot speak to me like that."
"W-What…" Kawasaki whimpered quietly. The small toddler that she was carrying in her arms began to cry.
"Get out. Now," Yukinoshita glared.
"B-But this is my house…"
"I said. Get. Out."
Tears brimming at the corner of her eyes, Kawasaki complied and got back into her car, driving off down the hill in complete shock.
"Wow…" I uttered, completely surprised at the scene I'd just seen unfold.
"That was kinda harsh…" Yuigahama said quietly.
"Yeah, Yukinoshita-senpai sure is scary…" Isshiki said, not for the first time in her life.
We all stood there awkwardly as Yukinoshita's anger slowly began to wane.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and flying out of the upstairs master bedroom window was some sort of chair-looking device. It hurtled off the second floor and landed with a magnificent crash on the front lawn.
We all exchanged looks, before jogging out the front door to see exactly what had just happened.
THE INSECT! The insect, who was still completely taped from head to toe against the rolling computer chair, was lying face down on the dewy grass, his face bloody from the fall.
"Oh my god…" Isshiki whispered.
I walked over to him and checked his pulse, and for better or worse, it appeared that he was still alive.
I sighed.
With a solemn expression, I brought him upright before wheeling him out onto the cusp of the street.
"Nobody ever talks about tonight, agreed?" I said quietly.
"Agreed," the three girls answered unanimously.
I almost felt bad for what I was about to do, but alas, it couldn't be helped. It was for the greater good, and like many before it, the sin of this transgression would just be another heavy cross for me to bear. I was a martyr; this would not be my first or even last sacrifice.
And with this, I sign away my soul…
With the barest of flicks, my wrist extended slightly. When it connected to the plush backing of the computer chair's cushion, the chair began rolling slowly – its movements so miniscule and minute that it almost seemed as if it hadn't been moving at all.
But it definitely was.
Suddenly, the insect that was taped to the chair shot his head up and began frantically mumbling and yelling through the piece of tape over his mouth, as he realized where he was.
From where we were standing though, his cries ended up sounding more like 'HMM' and 'MMPHHH' than anything that we could understand. We all shrugged.
Although he struggled valiantly as the chair came to the edge of the incline, in the end, momentum seemed to win out over insectoid strength of will and the chair began to pick up speed.
As I watched that chair race down the steep incline of that hill, the muffled cries of a boy about to die too soon echoing faintly in the distance, I could only think one thing.
Youth
…
is the truth.
FIN
Author's Notes: Wow, well… That was a ride, wasn't it? I had no idea where it was going to go from the start, and I'm not surprised that it ended how it did. It started out as strictly a parody of the fandom and source material, but as it went along, it kind of just got crazier. Nonetheless, it was an incredibly relaxing change just writing whatever I felt like and letting inspiration steer the metaphorical car for me. I hope to do something like this again one day; it was really fun.
Also, now that the story is over, I can spill a dirty little secret of mine. I actually finished this entire story the first night I started it, but I was withholding it so that it would get more attention. Yeah, I'm evil…
With that said, thanks for reading and following along with the story. I hope someone got as much a kick out of reading it, as I did writing it. Take care.