.
.
He was looking at his TOOYA doujins when Bishamon burst into his bedroom.
"Kazuma," Bishamon said.
"Aggh!" Kazuma said, and he shoved a pillow over his lap.
"Kazuma get dressed. We must get ready."
"W-what is it?" Kazuma said.
"It's a mission of utmost importance." She crossed the room, stopping to stand at the foot of his bed, seemingly nonplussed that her exemplar was hurriedly trying to straighten his clothes and throw his doujins in his dresser drawer. "By the way, I find it irritating that you always lock the door. I can't get inside your room when I need you."
"Um," Kazuma said. "Veena you broke my doorknob."
"I've been doing some thinking," Bishamon said, and she plucked a box of tissues from the mattress and tossed it to the side, sitting next to him, "and it occurred to me just how shameful it was losing to that idiot magatsukami. Situational awareness and increased responsiveness are paramount to being an effective war god, and yet somehow he bested me. It was disgraceful and I had no excuse to lose."
"It was just a video game," Kazuma said.
"It was an accurate simulation of the conditions we face in battle, and as a war god I cannot let that stand!"
"I think you're thinking too much about this," Kazuma said, frowning. "Veena it was just a video game. Something teenagers and jobless gods like Yato do for fun. You shouldn't take it so much to heart."
"You have no idea how much I've agonized over this," Bishamon said. "He's not even a proper war god - I cannot live down the shame of losing to him!
Kazuma," Bishamon said. "You're my blessing. I need you to guide me. Show me how to conquer Street Crasher."
"Veena it's 1 AM," Kazuma said.
"This cannot wait!" Bishamon said. Kazuma sighed.
"Let me turn on the console."
xXx
.
"Okay, Veena," Kazuma said, handing her a controller. "The first thing you need to do is pick a character. It's always a good idea to pick a single character to use, that way you can familiarize yourself with its move set. It will make it easier learning the mechanics of the game."
"Okay," Bishamon said. "How do I select?"
"Press the circle button."
"Okay," Bishamon said. "I'm taking this guy."
"This guy?" Kazuma looked at the character - a big, bald, angry-looking guy with a scar over his face and chewing on a chain. "Um, Veena, I wouldn't pick him. He's not a very good starter character. His move sets are slower, so if you miss a hit, it may take a little while to recover from it."
"Then I just won't miss," Bishamon said, and she selected the character.
"O-kay..." Kazuma frowned. "Next you should pick your username. That'll be the name of your avatar when you play online."
"Okay," Bishamon said, and she selected the letters.
B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N.
"Uh, typically you wouldn't use your real name," Kazuma said.
"Why? I have nothing to hide," Bishamon said, and she confirmed the name.
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
"What?" Bishamon said. "Someone else is using my name?"
"Apparently," Kazuma said. Bishamon frowned.
B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-1
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
"I don't understand," Bishamon said.
"Just use a different number at the end," Kazuma said. She entered in the number.
B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-2
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-3
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
B-I-S-H-A-M-O-N-4
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
"Oh c'mon!" Bishamon said. Kazuma sighed.
"Veena. The whole point of an avatar is to create a different persona. Perhaps you should come up with something a little more original?"
"Why?" Bishamon said. "I'm me. Nothing is going to change that."
"Well unfortunately your name seems to be very popular," Kazuma said. "I'd suggest using something else."
Bishamon rubbed her chin and frowned.
W-A-R-G-O-D-1
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
W-A-R-G-O-D-2
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
W-A-R-G-O-D-3
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
"Dammit!" Bishamon said, and she furiously selected the letters.
K-A-Z-U-M-A
"Why would you pick that?" Kazuma said.
"Why not?" Bishamon said.
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
K-A-Z-U-M-A-2
Error. This username is already taken. Please choose another.
C-H-O-U-K-I
The screen blinked.
Username is available.
"Finally!" Bishamon said, and she selected it with a flourish. On the screen, "Chouki" growled and flexed his muscles.
"He's perfect!" Bishamon said, crowing.
"Is...that the type of guy you like, Veena?" Kazuma said. He felt suddenly self-conscious. Street Crasher Chouki was all hard muscle and bottled rage, whereas the real chouki was a pretty little earring.
"It is!" Bishamon said, beaming. On the screen, "Chouki" flexed. He couldn't see his neck.
"You like them really muscular," Kazuma said, frowning.
"All the better to crush my enemies with!" Bishamon said.
"Oh." He exhaled, relieved. "So you don't find him, ah, attractive?"
Bishamon frowned at him.
"Nevermind."
"Splendid!" Bishamon said, as the screen cut to black. "I'm ready to fight, Kazuma! And don't hold back! I'm a big believer in learning by doing, you know."
xXx
.
They were in their twenty-seventh hour of straight gameplay when Yato walked into the room.
"The hell are you guys doing?" Yato said. Bishamon and Kazuma hadn't moved from the bed in the entire day-plus of their gaming spree; Bishamon was still in her white nightgown and Kazuma was still in his pajamas, and there were empty energy drinks strewn on the floor. Bishamon was hunched over the controller, focused in her intensity, while Kazuma was half passing out next to her.
"Dammit, Kazuma! How the hell are you still beating me?" Bishamon said.
"Huh?" Kazuma said. His eyes were half-closed and yet he was still pulling off 20-hit combos. "Oh, Yato. What brings you here?"
"You didn't show up to your patrol." Yato frowned. "It's a good thing I'm a god of fortune, now. Yukine's been riding my ass to kill those phantoms. You're lucky I was there to take over."
Bishamon grunted, tapping on her controller.
"Yatogami. You're interrupting our sparring session. Is there something you want?"
"Wait, you guys have been playing this game all night?" Yato stared at the screen: CHOUKI, the bald, muscular character, was getting his ass thoroughly creamed by VEENA4LIFE, the blonde, big-titted character wearing a bikini top and biker jacket. "Whoa, Bishamon! You're actually getting pretty good."
"That was Kazuma. I'm the one who got slammed."
"Wait, what?" Yato said.
"I'm Chouki," Bishamon said. "He's Veena4life"
"...what."
"Yatogami! Do you have a reason why you're here? If not, you should see yourself out before I kick you out." Bishamon slammed her thumbs onto the controllers. "DAMMIT!"
Kazuma's head drooped. "Veena, I'm tired. Do we have to keep playing?"
"Yes! Not until I beat you!"
"Oi Kazuma, are you stupid or something? Just let her win," Yato said.
"I tried letting her win," Kazuma said, tearfully. He looked like he was going to cry. "But she always knew."
"Yatogami! Quit distracting my exemplar!" Bishamon tapped her thumbs furiously. "I won't stop training until I know that I can best you!"
"Actually, Veena, you can probably beat Yato easily as you are now."
Bishamon glanced up.
"Really?" Bishamon said. Yato snorted.
"You wish," Yato said. "You're like, a hundred years too late to even come close to beating me!"
"Kazuma, can I really beat him?" Bishamon said.
Kazuma drooped forward, breathing softly. Bishamon shook him awake.
"Kazuma!"
"Oi, let him sleep," Yato said. He took off his jersey. "Hand me the controller."
xXx
.
"HAH?!" Yato said. "WHAT THE HELL, BISHAMON! WHERE THE HELL'D YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?!"
"Your follower was right, Yatogami." Bishamon grinned. "All I needed was a little practice!"
"Oi, Kazuma!" Yato said, and he shook him awake. "What the hell have you been doing to her?" Kazuma moaned and pulled a pillow over his head. Bishamon grinned at him, triumphantly.
"Remind me again, Yatogami, which god did you say most 'sucks'? Because I can't quite remember."
xXx
.
Suddenly, the scar-faced CHOUKI took the online gaming world by storm.
"HA!" Bishamon said. She was barefoot and sitting cross-legged on Kazuma's bed, wearing a headset and thumbs tapping furiously on the controller. "You think you can best me, War God 1345! But it seems you are not a proper war god, now!"
"The fuck is this old hag doing on here?" The kid's voice filtered through the microphone. "Can't someone tell this cunt to shut the fuck up?"
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Bishamon said. She slammed her thumbs onto the buttons. "Ha ha! Another glorious defeat!"
"Go die in a fire, you cocksucking hag!" And War God 1345 signed out.
"Nice rage quit, kid," Bishamon said, gleefully. Kazuma frowned.
"Veena," Kazuma said. "Far be it from me to question your choices, but taunting teenagers on the internet seems rather beneath you."
"It's part of the game, Kazuma," Bishamon said. Her fingers tapped the controllers. "Don't be such a noob."
"'Noob'?" Kazuma raised his eyebrows.
"Oh, oh Kazuma. Listen to this. Do you like dragons?" Bishamon asked.
"What?" Kazuma said. Bishamon giggled gleefully.
"Just answer the question, Kazuma! Do you like dragons?"
Kazuma sighed. "If I answer yes, you'll retort with something vulgar, won't you?" Kazuma said. Bishamon bit her lip.
"Fine, yes. I like dragons," Kazuma said.
"Good!" Bishamon said. "Because after this game I'll be dragon my nuts all over you!" And she started laughing hysterically.
"You don't have nuts," Kazuma said, exasperated. "And secondly, what does that even have to do with Street Crasher?" Bishamon waved her hand.
"This Near Shore human said that to me a few hours ago. It was so clever I had to remember it!"
"Veena," Kazuma said. "You are a war god. This is beneath you."
"Oh, lighten up, Kazuma. Can't you let your master have a little bit of fun?"
"You are neglecting your wishes," Kazuma said. "The others have been waiting for you to go on patrol."
"The Yatogami is handling that." Bishamon waved her hand.
"You haven't bathed," Kazuma said. "You're not eating and you haven't slept in days."
"I'm a god, Kazuma. All I need is the belief of my followers to sustain me."
"Veena this isn't good for you," Kazuma said. "This game is taking you away from your godly duties. As your exemplar I cannot let this continue!"
"Hey Chouki! Lemme see your tits!"
Bishamon grinned, tapping on the buttons.
"How about you fellate my erect penis first?"
xXx
.
"Yato," Kazuma said. "I need your help."
"Again?" Yato said, and he motioned for Yukine to follow him.
They walked into Kazuma's room. What was once immaculate to a fault was now filled with garbage; more empty energy drink cans littered the ground, and a stack of empty pizza boxes were piled against the wall.
"She's been here the entire time?" Yato said. Kazuma nodded, gravely.
"She has. I've taken to sleeping in Kuraha's quarters for the duration."
"Oi, why didn't ya just sleep in her room?" Yato pointed at Bishamon, who was furiously thumbing the controller.
"Er," Kazuma blushed. "The bedsheets smelled too much like her."
"Ha!" Bishamon said. She jumped up. "Another confirmed kill! Who's the dominant player now?"
"Sekki," Yato said, and he lifted his swords.
xXx
.
"Well," Kazuma said, defeated. "That didn't work."
"Shut up," Yato said. He was still nursing the wound on his head from where Bishamon punched him after he tried cutting her ties.
"Kazuma," Bishamon said. "You can have back your room."
"Really?" Kazuma said. Bishamon nodded.
"This game is boring me," Bishamon said. "It no longer poses a challenge."
"That's surprising," Kazuma said. "Veena what made you change your mind?" Bishamon shrugged and smiled.
"I forgot how good it felt to get physical," Bishamon said. She flexed her arm and rubbed her bicep, smiling.
"Punching the Yatogami made me remember."