He wasn't going to make the first move. Sirius had been the one to want this date and there it was up to him to break the ice. It was only fair, and had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Remus couldn't come up with anything himself.

He'd already been through the usual date etiquette. At least, the stuff he'd read he was supposed to say on a date. He'd complimented Sirius when he met up with him. Complimented the venue too since he would most definitely get hexed if Sirius had thought about meeting somewhere else. He'd remarked on the weather, the food that was currently sitting happily in his stomach and then, well, he came up blank.

It occurred to him, as he was sitting there, that he didn't actually know all that much about Sirius. He knew a bit. The usual history that was common knowledge in Hogwarts. He knew Sirius was an older brother, that he used to be a Black, he was on the Quidditch team and he had a penchant for mischief. But, other than that Remus didn't really know mich.

He supposed he should have since they had basically lived together for more than a year. But, considering he'd spent that year thinking Sirius hated him it wasn't really in his agenda to learn what made up Sirius Black.

But, then, that was what a date was for. The whole point of it was to get to know the other person. If Remus could only settle on a topic he knew this awkward air between them would evaporate.

However, he couldn't, and his fingers ended up fiddling with a cupcake wrapper just so he could have an excuse not to look up.

The silence stretched. On and on it went until Remus considered asking if they should just go to bed and try again another day. But that would be rude. Sirius would probably think Remus wasn't interested and they would go back to square one.

As appealing as the idea was of getting rid of this and any future pressure like this, he couldn't do that. He couldn't do that to Sirius. Not after all the effort he'd put in. He most certainly couldn't do it to himself. This was a chance in a million. Someone actually wanted to see past his werewolf problem and be with him. As selfish, and some would argue cruel if considering Remus merely playing on Sirius's feelings, it was, this was Remus's chance to be happy. To be normal.

So he dug his heels in, dropped the wrapper and tried to come up with anything to say. "Have you always liked boys?"slipped out before he could censor himself.

Sirius deflated, actual relief shining in his eyes before the questkon sunk in. "Er, I don't know. Why?"

A fair question, one that Remus wanted to reply with an I don't know. Only, if he did that, he got the idea this line of conversation would be over in under three words. He couldn't go back to that silence. So he shrugged, his brain working overtime as his natural curiosity reared its head again. "I guess I'm curious why you don't like girls."

Sirius took that in good faith, Remus seeing an answer on his tongue. One that was swiftly held back as Sirius rounded with, "Do you? Like girls I mean?"

"I'm not allowed to like girls." A true statement if there ever was one. He'd heard rumours about the Ministry thinking about enforcing a punishment for any unsupervised werewolf with a member of the opposite sex. They were adamant that the werewolf race died with the bite these days.

"But if you could," Sirius challenged. "If you were allowed, would you prefer a girl here or me?"

"Honestly?"

Sirius nodded.

Remus thought about it. About the red haired girl and how nice she was to him. She didn't look at him like he was a monster. She didn't look at him like he was even abnormal. Yet, the thought of her being in Sirius's place didn't appeal as mich. Perhaps it was the fact Remus was already used to Sirius. He was used to him invading Remus's space and knew how to, kind of, manouver around him. If a girl came into the picture, Remus didn't know how he would respond. Spending so much of his life living by instinct it was hard to reign it in. He didn't think he could do go through the process like he did with Sirius in a matter of a few dates. This wasn't even including the actual dates themselves. At one point they would probably want to kiss. Then maybe sex, and he would have to undress. She would have to put up with him around full moons.

"You," Remus settled on finally. With Sirius, it was just a matter of seeing if he was interested. With a girl, Remus didn't think they would have the experience to understand Remus in the way he needed them too. For him, it wasn't boy or girl, it was just who he could be comfortable with.

The answer, even if Remus kept the rest of his reasons to himself, had Sirius beaming at him. He gladly answered Remus's question afterwards, telling some long convoluted story about discovering he didn't like girls in a romantic sense. He kept going even when he was done, the silence seeming extremely far away now as Sirius kept finding topics they could breach.

Overall, when Sirius called it a night, Remus wasn't completely put off.

He let Sirius handle James as he slid into bed, ignoring their louder than hushed whispers in favour of making a game plan for the next time Sirius planned a date.

The next day, Remus was expecting some awkwardness. If not from Sirius then from James. He didn't know why, just that he'd read in every romantic book he had that there was always an awkwardness when a groups dynamic changed.

Yet, when he got up, things were just how they usually wore. James harrassed him in the shower, Sirius kept his distance and Peter. Well, Remus didn't think anyone had actually told Peter what was going on. A good thing really since Remus didn't know what would happen if Peter knew about Sirius' interests. Probably blame Remus for enchanting Sirius, and Remus wouldn't actually blame him. He was still trying to figure out Sirius' taste in him as well.

He'd looked at himself in the mirror this morning long and hard. He tried to find something, anything that would explain why Sirius liked him. He didn't find it. All Remus saw when he looked in the mirror was a scrawny guy with too many scars and a sullen look on his face. Nothing noteworthy. Except his teeth. Those he was particularly proud of. Being a werewolf meant they were always in pique condition, ready to rip and chew even when he was human. When he was younger he'd often bite through his skin trying to chew his nails off. It got to the point the Potters started lathering his fingers in foul tasting liquids.

The memory brought a smile to his face. One James mercilessly poked at as he tried to cajole Remus to tell him what was so funny.

He managed to get out of that scrape thanks to Hagrid. As soon as he saw Remus, Hagrid was herding him outside and to the shed where he kept his axes.

At first, Remus thought he was chopping firewood again. But, when Hagrid led him further into the forbidden forest than was practical he started to rethink his assumption.

"You're a strong boy, right Remus?" Hagrid asked.

"I guess," Not as strong as Hagrid, but Remus could hold his own.

"Good."

That was the last of their conversation until they came to a very webby part of the forest. Remus could smell the spiders before he saw them. They had a distinct scent different to the natural aroma of the forest. It was rancid, a sour acid mixed with animal remains. Carnivores. Poisonous ones.

Remus had never thought Hagrid brave until they ventured halfway into spider country. Surrounded on all sides, Hagrid didn't look like he wasn't one bite away from being wrapped up and eaten. He just stood there, hand on hips as he assessed the hunk of metal sitting in his path.

Remus recognised it as part of a bike. The rider, he was sure, wasn't going to be coming back for it. The bike itself was missing its top half, the bottom slathered in so many webs Remus could kind of see why the axe was needed.

"Right," Hagrid boomed, Remus jumping out of his skin as the man, still undeterred, took a stance on one side of the bike. "I'm going to go looking for the other half. You get chopping on this one. If anyone gives you any trouble just say you're a friend of mine."

"Right," Remus agreed weakly, fighting back the urge to call Hagrid back as he started on his way.

It took a few moments and more than one look to the webs around him before Remus was hefting the axe and picking a good side to start on. The webs were like hunks of metal never mind the bike. It took three swings before one strand gave way.

He didn't stop as the first sign of clear bike came into view. It wasn't the time to celebrate, not when he could smell the spiders gettint closer. He swung faster, his arms beginning to ache as he fought through web after web.

When it was finally free, Remus was sweating, the axe heavy in his arms as he held it up. It was hard to decide just which way to face. Surrounded on all sides by monstrous eight legged spiders the wise thing would have been choosing a side that would allow him a good escape route. Unfortunately, from experience, he knew spiders were fast. They were also extremely good climbers.

He ended up back to the bike, facing down the spider in front of him. It wasn't anything special, not the biggest of the bunch or standing on its own. It was just in front of Remus

He kept an ear on the ones he couldn't see as he focused back on the one in front. "I'm a friend of Hagrids," he tried, knowing that just because Hagrid thought that would work didn't mean it would. They could just say Remus ran off after all. By the time Hagrid found his bones he wouldn't even know they were Remus'.

The ones at his back moved closer, Remus hefting the axe up higher, ready to fight. He steeled his feet as they moved closer again, Remus's throat letting out one instinctual growl before he readied himself to swing.

Yet, almost instantly, a change reverbrared through the spiders. As one they stilled, then scattered like someone had blew them away. Remus looked around, expecting Hagrid to come walking up any moment now. Yet it was ten minutes before Hagrid showed his face, top half of the bike in tow.

Remus didn't even liger. He grabbed his half and ran until that sour smell was just a distant breeze, never so happy as he was to see Hogwarts as he set his load down next to Hagrids hut.

He got a reward for his hard days work at least, Hagrid sliding come rock cakes his way before supper. "You did well," Hagrid said, sending Remus and his rock cake forward as he clapped Remus on the back. "I honestly thought I would come back to find you tied up."

"It was a close thing," Remus said, knowing those spiders would be haunting his dreams for nights to come.

"Well, you just gotta remember you're the stronger creature in there. Really," Hagrid insisted Remus knowing he wasn't looking too convinced. "There's a reason werewolves are considered highly dangerous by the ministry. Even like that you could probably hold your own."

"Thanks."

Talks with Hagrid felt surreal sometimes. For so long he'd heard the exact same thing come out of other people's mouths. But with Hagrid, he didn't say it like it was frightening or wrong. He seemed amazed by it. Like Remus was this rare wonderful creature he got the pleasure of working with. Instead of the dangerous monster that was thrust upon him for lack of anything else to do.

Whatever the case, Remus was quick to change the subject, preferring to ask about more interesting topics. Like Christmas.

Apparently, Christmas at Hogwarts was like no other. There were enchanted suits of armour, trees, feasts, snow, it was like every fantasy someone had about Christmas piled into one. Remus was kind of looking forward to it. The way he looked at it, if it was half as good as Hagrid said then maybe he won't spend half of his day crying.

Sign ups for staying were already up, and as the weeks passed by only a handful of names were jotted down. Remus got the courage to ask Sirius about it one night.

Remus had stolen him away from James under the pretence of returning a book. Really, Remus was just hungry and didn't want James stealing what little food the house elves gave him as they went down to the kitchens.

"I thought Hogwarts Christmases were great?"

"They are," Sirius agreed. "I know I didn't like to miss one. But people like spending Christmas with their family more than staying here. Really, it's mostly the kids that have nowhere else to to that stay. That and first years." That explained why Sirius liked to stay over then. When he was living at home, with some of the horror stories James told him about the Blacks, it was no wonder he wanted to stay well clear. "Besides," Sirius tacked on, "This castle gets a bit constraining when you're in it all day every day. People like a change in scenery."

"I guess." He didn't really agree with that. If Remus had been given the chance to go here from eleven he didn't think he'd ever want to leave. Really, there was only one other place he could think of that could possibly tempt him away, and right now that place was gone. Dead and buried with the Potters.

"So, Christmas," Sirius started, Remus tuning back into the conversation.

"What about it?"

"What do you want?" Sirius asked, like Remus actually had a choice. At least he wwasn't dithering about. Sirius had dropped that habit almost as soon as Remus said he'd give him a chance. He'd dropped a lot of things actually. Like his quiet nature.

No more did Remus get radio silence from him when they were together. Sirius had a million questions just bursting out of his mind and wanted Remus' opinion on all of them. He also stopped keeping to himself. He wasn't pushy or anything. Actually, he was being more respectful than half the teenage boys Remus had seen. But if Remus gave him an inch Sirius took it and never let go.

An example would be from their second date. Sirius had decided a nice scenic walk around Hogwarts grounds would be fun, like Remus didn't do this every day with Max. But he'd held his tongue because Sirius had been so excited and let him lead them around the fields and trees Remus knew by heart.

About halfway in, just as Sirius had darted off for a fifth time to examine a tree he claimed was his favourite, Remus ended up holding his hand. At the time, it was because he was in the middle of a story and could see Sirius zone in on a tree. Yet, afterwards, Sirius had taken that as something he was allowed to do, and now he took advantage of it whenever he could.

Like now, walking to the kitchens. It was like leading a dog, Sirius itching to run ahead, his hand tensing in Remus' as he pulled himself back. Remus was tempted to let Sirius run free, but since there was something on his mind and Sirius kept glancing at their joined hands so happily Remus let him stay.

For now.

But if he got dragged around a corner one more time under the pretence someone was coming Remus was ditching him.

"What do I want for Christmas?" Remus wondered. "My house would be nice. Even just my old clothes." Sirius' face dropped, his hand going limp as memories of what was taken from then ran through both of their minds. Remus broke the memory, squeezing Sirius' hand gently to get his attention. "Honestly, what I really want this year is for James to have a good Christmas."

"Nothing for yourself?" Sirius pressed.

"Nah." It wasn't like he had want of much. Nothing was ever truly his after all. "If I want chocolate, I just have to go to the kitchens, or sneak over to Honeydukes." Something he'd been guilty of doing twice now James had shown him the secret passage. Remus liked to listen to rules, but sometimes his late night cravings overran his common sense. Especially if they were the only things keeping his nightmares away. "But James. Christmas will be hard for him. He's already dreading it."

"He is?"

Remus wasn't surprised Sirius hadn't picked up on it. He was stuck between a realm of constant elation and mourning too. If Remus hadn't been so used to looking out for James first he would have probably not picked up on it too. As it was, he'd already found James crying once this week. He'd been kicking himself for all the Christmases he'd missed out on. Calling himself selfish because he'd wanted to spend time with Sirius and Peter instead of coming home.

"Yeah. It's only going to get worse." Once James got over the absent days, he'd start on his attitude, of how he didn't help out or was ungrateful at times. Things Remus himself did from time to time.

Sirius sighed next to him. "I wish this hadn't happened to you."

"Us," Remus corrected, knocking his shoulder into Sirius'. "They loved you too."

They talked Christmas plans over cake that night.

Then again a few days later.

Remus had just come back from his walk with Max when Sirius ran down to him. He had the biggest grin on his face as he skid to a stop. "I've got it. I've got how we can make James' Christmas." He held a scrap of paper out, a spell scribbled along the edge.

"What's it do?" Since Sirius could very well mean to turn James' hair pink.

Sirius's hands started waving before he even spoke, the picture of excitement as he explained about a prank they did in fourth year. "It was to annoy the girls. Also a way for me to prove I really liked blokes." The way being enchanted mistletoe. It hung up in a doorway and didn't let the two poor suckers who stood under it leave until they kissed. "I mean, the alternative is to have horns on your face all day, and girls being girls, well, they didn't want that."

"So?' Since this still didn't explain what Sirius's plan was.

"So, we make some of this, hang it up, and get Evans to kiss James. I know he claims he's over her but, come on, there's no way he's going to turn down a kiss."

At first, Remus agreed it was a good idea. But, the more he thought about it the crueler it became. James wouldn't want his first kiss with the love of his life be forced. Hell, this whole fiasco would probably hurt his chances of ever being near her again. All in all, no matter how he looked at it there was no way this was ending well for anyone involved, and this wasn't even considering if the plan went wrong.

When he told Sirius, it took less than he thought it would to convince him not to go through with it. A pointed comment of Sirius hating it if the tables were turned and Remus was back to start the rest of his chores.

He didn't see much of Sirius after that. For some reason all of his free time was being taken up with something else. Nothing Remus was really concerned about since it gave him more time to look for James. More and more these days Remus would find him in a bathroom or his bed, his glasses gone and remembering everything he'd done wrong in his life.

"I'm sorry," James mumbled, his head buried in Remus' stomach.

It was Christmas eve, the two of them in the common room this time when James broke down. Probably a good thing too since Remus was getting moon angry again this month. All this change and sadness wasn't helping him curb his emotions. It also helped even less that Peter's girlfriend decided to take advantage of the lack of people and stay for Christmas. Predominantly in Peter's bed.

"It's fine."

"It's not," James sniffed, his shoulders still shaking. "I shouldn't be doing this. It's been months I should be over this."

"James no." It was one of the bigger problems James was facing these days. Probably why he was breaking down more frequently too. "Listen. These are your parents. They aren't coming back. It takes a while for it to sink in and never to make it better. You can be sad James, for as long as you like. I still am."

"I miss them. I wanna be home."

"Me too."

They stayed in front of the fire for a while, James' shoulders shaking and subsiding depending on how worked up his mind was getting. Remus didn't move the whole time. It was the least he could do. James never left him after all. Besides, Christmas eve wwasn't exactly easy for him either.

The fire dimmed as the hour passed, James finally moving from Remus' stomach to his lap. Remus started rubbing his head, knowing the headache working itself up was going to be a big one.

The rhythmic motion was enough to send James off to sleep after a while, Remus taking it as a win. Maybe the both of them could just sleep through Christmas this year. It would certainly be better than whatever was coming.

"It's sweet how you look after him."

Remus almost upset James as he turned to see the redhead and Sirius coming in. "You don't think James is making me do this then?"

A low blow, but one she deserved. "Maybe once. But I've seen him do the same for you."

"Rem," Sirius cut in before Remus could start. "Come on, bed. Lily wants to talk with James for a while."

Just the thought had Remus raising his shackles. But Sirius was insistent, so Remus had to settle with one unsaid threat and pacing the dorm.

Of course, that was swiftly foiled by first Peter and his girlfriend, and again by Sirius who somehow, and Remus wasn't disregarding a sleeping spell, managed to get him to sleep until noon.

When he woke, everyone was gone, smells of Hogwarts' feast wafting up to him. Enough that he stumbled down to the great hall, pleased to note the staff could sit with the pupils as he took the seat between James and Sirius.

He yawned, gathering his wits to begin damage control. Yet, when he opened his eyes, James didn't have a sad bone in sight. He seemed like he was on another plane of existence, drifting through the motions of eating with a massive grin on his face.

"Did you drug him?" Remus demanded.

Sirius held his hands up, shaking his head as he explained, "Lily just gave him something to be happy about."

Which, well, if it worked Remus couldn't really argue with. Not today anyway. So he bit his tongue and got back to his food.

"Did you open your present?" Sirius asked as desert came.

"Really?" He'd made it known he didn't want anything. Well, unless it was food in which case he was keeping until the full moon was over. Already he was feeling sick and it wasn't until tomorrow.

"Not from me," Sirius said. "There was one at the end of your bed when we woke up. I asked James if it was from him but... well, you can see why I didn't get a response."

James didn't even look to be hearint them, his spoon twirling bits of icing over his plate. "Creepy," Remus noted.

"Agreed."

The present was enough of an incentive to have Remus leaving the last of his cake, wishing again that Christmas didn't have to coincide with the full moon. He knew for a fact the food wouldn't be this good when he got out of the hospital wing, and considering he wasn't coming back here next year this seemed like a crappy deal.

Sirius followed him up, mumbling the whole way about checking James' pumpkin juice at supper.

The present was right where Sirius said it was, the wrapping nothing like he would expect from James or Sirius. He thought for a moment it might be from Peter. Some kind of sacrifice so he wouldn't be slaughtered in Remus' bad temper. Yet, when he opened it, it didn't seem like something Peter would get him.

It was an owl. A big stuffed owl. One of the wings had been torn off and stitched back together, the animal tugging at the back of Remus' memory.

"Could've at least got you a new one," Sirius said.

"Could've," Remus agreed, setting the owl to the side in favour of the card.

It wasn't much, just a general Merry Christmas and hope he liked the present. But the name at the bottom, it, like the owl, had him thinking.

"Who's it from?" Sirius asked, having the decency to reign himself in and not climb over Remus to read it. He'd seen Sirius do that very thing to James and Peter numerous times.

"Someone called Lyall."

Sirius looked just as blank as him, so at least it wasn't anyone they immediately know. Remus wasn't so good with names. Names of students he was even worse with.

"No last name?" This time Sirius did climb over to get it, Remus happily handing it over.

"Just Lyall."

"Hmm," Sirius shrugged, tossing the card to the side. "Well, at least the owl is cute."

"Yeah." If also somewhat familiar.