Chapter 4
"So what's the deal with the hot sauce, again?" Krabs nervously asked.
"Oh, well, Plankton here took a shower in hot sauce and now he thinks that smelling like hot sauce is part of who he is as a person and he refuses to change."
"And, how is that the job of a reverend like myself?"
"He says that he smells like hot sauce because it is the Lord's will!"
Mr. Krabs knew his job would be tough. So tough that he would not do it unless he got more money. So tough that the reverend believed he could not do anything to help.
"I can fix your husband, but it will take a lot of money, much more than your tithe, which I still want. I think a generous, low price for my service would still be around $1000. This project will take up so much of my time and effort that could be used to help the orphans or something, and $1000 is a downright charitable price. I'm losing money on this deal, but I will get you in that car today!"
Rev. Krabs turned around and pressed a button on the wall, and a hole opened up in the floor of the cathedral, and a luxury boatmobile was raised up to the surface on a platform.
"You see this here? She's a beaut! I got her when one of my parishioners couldn't pay up one month so I took, er, I mean, offered to buy it from him to help ease his debt. This set me back $30000, but I'll sell it to you for a mere $350000! Remember, I'm losing money on this deal!"
Plankton thought there was something incredibly fishy going on here, and he didn't think that just because he lived in the ocean. He thought that because he was a greedy scuzzball and he knew how other greedy scuzzballs worked!
"Krabs, you're a scam! You don't want to help me, you just want to take my money! Are you even a real reverend?! Where did you go to seminary! Where?! Answer me!" Plankton roared.
The gig was up. Krabs had been found out. Plankton's accusations forced Krabs to open up about his wrongdoings. Or, more specifically, Plankton's threats.
"Tell me what this is all about! Explain yourself, unless you want to be cooked and put into a salad and served at a McDonald's in Romania!"
"Ahh, I don't want to be cooked! Ahh! I don't want to be put into a salad! Ahh, I don't want to be served at a McDonald's! Ahh, I don't want to go to Romania!" Krabs was so scared he wasn't sure which part of Plankton's threat was scariest, so he panicked several times.
"You were about to con us out of $36,050! I demand an explanation!" Karen yelled.
"Fine, I'll tell you. Churches can be a real profitable business, you see. People will give you 10% of their income if you tell them they'll face eternal damnation if they don't. And the advertising is free, you just have to convince them that they are supposed to proselytize, or else, you know, eternal damnation fires of hell yada yada yada. I've gotten so much money from them, I was able to buy this church out of Prague! Now, I can charge admission on days we don't have service because it's 'historical' and I can charge admission on days we do because it's 'historical'!"
"Wow, that is both evil and capitalist at the same time!" Plankton was amazed.
"I'm really surprised I haven't been figured out. This kinda stuff is pretty well known about."
"Are the people of Bikini Bottom really dumb enough to fall into your trap?" Karen asked.
"Actually, if they speak out on anything, I'll sue them! Say it's 'defamation' or whatever. I've got enough money to hire the best lawyers. No one exposes the truths of Krabsology without getting hurt!"
"Wait, isn't this supposed to be a Christian church?"