Background Noise and Cannon Fodder

Disclaimer: Atlantis is owned by MGM/Sony no profit made or infringement intended. This was done for th e fun of it.

A great big Thanks to all who have reviewed , it makes my day!

Rating :Angst/Friendship

88888888888888888

Chapter Five: The Reckoning

I head toward the infirmary intent on having a long talk with Rodney McKay, one pain-in-the-ass, arrogant scientist. Last night I didn't get anything out of him other than mumbling something about Cannon fodder and background noise, what ever the hell that meant. Carson had him drugged to the gills so he wasn't making any sense at all.

Something is wrong with McKay and I need to find out before he self destructs.

As I come through the door, Carson sees me and heads my way.

"Colonel I want you to go easy on Rodney, I think I know what's happening with him."

"And that would be?" I ask

"He's depressed, simple as that. The strain from the past few months has gotten to him and I think he's just fallen into this state of depression and feeling unwanted and useless. It happens to the best of us. Ya just need to give him a little time, maybe help him out by not shouting at him. Let it go, Son. You'll be glad later when he comes to his senses."

I look at Carson as if he just told me Rodney is doing drugs. What can McKay be thinking! We all try to get along on my team, he of all of us is the hardest to deal with. At least, he use to be. Lately he just gives me these hurt looks like I yelled at him. Maybe I have been too rough on him.

"All right, Carson. But I can't promise not to be angry, after all he almost died. How stupid is that!"

I Thank Carson and head for McKay, who just happens to have the last bed at the far end of the room. There's a chair beside the bed, so I sit down, trying to get my thoughts together and my temper in check; after all McKay is injured and I don't want to beat up on him in his condition. However, if I could, I'd give him a good shaking for pulling such a stupid stunt.

His pale face is turned toward me and I notice his eyes are now open and starring at me. I can read a touch of fear on his face, so I know he's aware that I'm here.

"Hey, McKay, welcome back to the land of the living!" I try to smile as I say it.

Rodney blinks a couple of times, "Hey", he practically whispers it.

Carson must still have him doped up.

"So, want to tell me what happened yesterday?" This should be good, cause he can't very well squirm out of answering me.

However, I do notice a sadness reflected in his eyes, as he seems to be thinking of how to reply. If it's one thing that's consistent with McKay, it's his honesty. He's not very good at lying , therefore he usually doesn't try. It's so easy to read his face.; right now I see pain written there as well as confusion. Pretty soon he'll have that hurt puppy dog look on his face and I'll cave in and not be mad any longer. How can you be angry at someone who looks at you that way?

"Well?, I ask hoping to get a pass on the hurt look and an answer to my question instead.

"I don't remember much after getting back to the jumper and landing it in the bay." He states softly.

"Why didn't you tell Teyla or Ronon you were hurt?"

Again I get that sad look.

"I thought I did, but I must have forgotten. Thought it was just a back problem, nothing too serious."

What can I say to that? The man is so stubborn. He's also protecting Teyla and Ronon, as they told me he had said something, but they had mistaken it for his usual whining; especially when nothing further was said. You can't fault him for his loyalty. It's one of the things I like about him.

"So you want to talk about what's bothering you? Carson says you seem rather down. I seem to remember you mentioning something about cannon fodder last night; what's that about?"

He closes his eyes and then opens them again, glancing at me with a very sad look, worse than the hurt puppy one I was expecting. Now I really feel like a heel, cause I know it's something I've done, not done, or said.

"I just feel so useless," He shakes his head slowly, "l couldn't save so many people when they needed my help. They just died and I watched, Peter, Gaul, Abrams and the list goes on. All because I couldn't do anything to help. If I'm so smart, why couldn't I save them?"

"You did save lives, McKay. But you're not superman, people die and there's nothing you could have done. You shouldn't blame yourself for their loss. Others were saved by you, many times over. "

Now I know why he was depressed, it was only a matter of time before all of this finally caught up to him. In this way we are alike, we blame ourselves when someone we know dies and we can't prevent it. It's how I'd feel if anything happened to Teyla, Elizabeth, Carson, Ronon and even Rodney.

The fact that I just added Rodney last is not lost on me; when did he fall so far behind the others? Maybe I have been a little too hard on him lately and not been much of a friend. Especially if I've relegated him to the bottom of the list. I remember giving the same list and order to Teyla.

Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to read him; I never even noticed him starting this self destruct mode,. Team leaders aren't suppose to play favorites, but hell Rodney and I are friends, or have I lost that as well?

"You even saved Rod by sending him back to his own Universe and making sure he got there safely. " I was grasping at straws, but at least it was true.

He gave a very small smile at that.

"The only reason I did that was so he wouldn't come back. If he'd stayed here I would have had to leave; I couldn't compete with him. So you see that was done for selfish reasons. These past few months have given me a lot of time to think about what's happened."

His face fell back into that sad look, the one that spoke of heartbreak and pain. It was painful to see him like this.

"I failed on the wraith planet and nearly got us all killed, because I couldn't shut the damn machine down. I couldn't even save you from Kolya, I didn't locate you in time. When we finally arrived, you even said 'thanks for showing up' to me, so you knew I had failed as well."

For once I wished I had kept my big mouth shut; saying that to Rodney was just damn cruel. I must have been feeling abandoned and taking it out on the first person I saw. Unfortunately it was Rodney and he took it to heart.

"I didn't mean it, McKay. I know you tried your best. Hell, Kolya said it would have been you instead ,if he'd caught you first and I would be the one feeling helpless."

"Well, maybe so. At least you wouldn't have had to watch the wraith feed on me twice, cause I'd have died the first time it touched me. I'm just not strong like you."

His face said it all, the honesty there was heart wrenching.

It came to me then, Rodney had to watch the wraith while it fed! What must that have done to him? I know how I'd feel if the roles had been reversed. I had been frantic to save Rodney and Ronon from that hive ship when the Wraith had betrayed us. So what must Rodney have felt watching it actually take place on someone he knew?

I decided then on a little honesty both to Rodney and myself.

"Actually, I lied. The Wraith would never have touched you, Rodney. If the roles had been reversed, Ladon would have been given to Kolya immediately. No one and I mean no one, would've prevented me from trading Ladon for you. "

Rodney looked at me ,eyes opening wider, surprised by the emotional intensity of my statement.

It was true though, I would have traded Ladon in a heart beat, no questions or remorse what so ever. I would have done anything Kolya asked to get Rodney back unharmed and not have to watch a wraith feed on him. He was that important, both as a member of my team and as...my friend.

Sometimes it's very hard for me to say these things to people, as Teyla said. But I can see a little light shining now in Rodney's blue eyes as he realizes that what I said was true and that it shows how important he is to me. Hopefully it'll help and maybe stop this emotional meltdown that he seems to be set upon.

I smile at him and he tries to smile back, but his eyelids are starting to close. Carson has struck again. Rodney is off to the land of dreams. Hopefully I've helped put away some of those fears he had and he will have peaceful dreams while there. I pat his arm and sit back in the chair.

Maybe it's time to clean my house and put away some of my own nightmares.

AN: What do you guys think? Maybe one more POV from Rodney?