"Dysphoria…"

Day: 227, 5:06 a.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

I sat perfectly still for the first time in my life, and I think it scared Ghost, because he kept looking over to me as I walked slowly over to the casket. The funeral for Ryan Andrew Stephens, was held at 2:00 p.m. He had been surrounded by loved ones, and people he cared -he had cared- about. Everyone had been there. Everyone but me.

I couldn't go. I couldn't make myself go. I couldn't stand the watchful eyes of his family as they cried for a man, which had died in my arms. A man that I loved, yet couldn't protect.

So I waited for it to clear out. I waited until the only people around were me, Ghost, and the grave digger.

I could give you a speech about how I felt empty without him, and all that, but it wasn't true. To be honest. I was numb. Nothing seemed to faze me. Not Ghost walking with me to the casket. Not the rose that I held in my hand as it pricked my skin, and made me bleed. Not the soft voice of a woman speaking with MacTavish behind us. Nothing.

I stood there for a moment looking down at the casket that held Wings. I let a tear slip, and I held my hand over the grave, and let the rose fall in. I didn't hesitate after that.

I stepped back and walked back to the car. That was it. That was how I felt. I felt like nothing.

I was stopped by MacTavish, who made me listen to the woman beside him.

"Gary…?" She asked rather quietly, and I looked up at her. "I'm Jamie, Ryan's sister. I wanted to give you something." She said handing me a little plastic case.

I stared at the boxes and she continued on.

"They gave me these, even though I insisted that you should have me. This bunch are really stubborn." She said and gave me a smile that spoke of a mutual sadness. "I have all the things I need of Ryan right now, so there you go. I also left my e-mail. In case you need anything. Bye Gary." She said before waving at the rest of them, and leaving.

"She is awfully cheery." Ghost said to MacTavish as he grabbed my arm and began carting me away, to the car.

MacTavish shrugged. "Ryan wouldn't want her to be sad. Ryan wouldn't want any of us to be sad."

And with that we left the cemetery

)-(

I don't think I've ever heard MacTavish curse so much.

"Damnit! Roach you have to be careful." He said as he watched one of the many nurses wrap my hand.

He looked irritated in the face, but his eyes showed nothing but pity.

On the way into the building he noticed my hand bleeding, and carted me into the infirmary, yelling for Ghost to take care of practice.

I sort of just wanted to coast, but I wasn't discharged from training, only missions. It was dumb, I know, but I honestly didn't have it in me to fight it.

I felt sort of weird now. The way everyone was looking at me as they passed my room, it made me feel embarrassed. I didn't need their pity. I didn't need anything from them.

When my hand was done, MacTavish listened to the nurse as she prescribed some kind of disinfectant spray. When he was done he motioned for me to follow, and we made our way to the training pool.

It wasn't often that we used it, but when we did it was usually ended in a mess. A lot of the time we'd sneak in after curfew, and use it for fun. Today we practiced how to stay alive if capsized.

I wasn't dressed for training, but no one said anything as I stood on the edge of the pool. I looked at the bottom of the deep end, and contemplated weather or not I should go grab my armor.

I glanced behind me ever so slightly and watched as MacTavish and Ghost spoke back and forth, quietly. Whatever they were talking about, I was sure it was about me. I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I looked back to the pool and began contemplating the use of armor again when I heard a huddle of steps come up beside me.

Superman scowled at me as he crossed his arms over his armor clad chest. "You think you are special or something? Go get your arm on you git." He said roughly, and the remains of his group chuckled at this.

"Fuck off." I said softly not moving my eyes from the pool. This idiot wasn't going to bully me the way he had 'him'.

"Excuse me?" Superman asked me, as his cronies began to glance around nervously at each other.

My eyes met that of Archer, who stood across the pool with Toad. He picked up on the danger and eyed the group of men curiously. His look screamed for me to keep my mouth shut, but it was too late.

"I said," I began looking over at the man my soft accented voice gone. "Fuck off." What happened next was unexpected, as Superman shoved me into the water. My head made contact with the later, and I felt myself losing consciousness.

It was the strangest thing. It was as if the world around me slowed, and the only thing I could hear was muffled cries, and gun fire, and then all at once it was silent. Through half-closed eyes I could see a distorted figure floating above me.

He had brown hair that swayed back and forth in the water. He wasn't tall but he had wide shoulders, and long legs. His hair was fluffy, and his dark blue eyes shined down at me as he reached his hand out to me.

Don't let go

He spoke, but his lips didn't move. I reached up to grab his hand, and as I did I felt myself growing more tired. The image of Wings drew me in closer, and closer until a black blur erased the image.

Ghost began pulling me from the water, but I didn't matter. I let the water take me.

)-(

Review, Like, Favorite, and don't forget to smile. : P