A/N: This is my rant... since this is going to be a long chapter; I'm ranting about how stupid the Doctor Who people are! I am highly irritated with the Doctor Who writing staff... highly! They claim that "it's pretty much a love story without the shagging" and yet they have the Doctor clearly showing romantic inclinations toward Sarah Jane and WORSE all but loving the Pompadour woman. What happened to the Doctor and Rose? Why is he neglecting her? She mouths 'no' when Mickey asks to come along and yet he allows it anyway? AND not only is willing to lock himself in the 18th century for that pompous woman but also take her along? I'm beginning to be more inclined to the 9thdr/Rose... he had feelings for Rose that seem to have gotten lost! Grr... Maybe something's getting lost in the summaries I'm reading about the 10th doctor but gah-lee! I intend to load all my readers up with 10/R fluffy goodness, just cause that's the way it should be:-p
All at once it was as though she could think and feel for herself again, like all those heavy emotions she'd been carrying around all week were falling away and she could breathe freely. She no longer saw the point in being upset with Mickey at all or in assuming the Doctor's disloyalties to her. Not only that, she couldn't understand why she'd acted that way to begin with. Swiftly the memory of her lips holding his flashed before her eyes and she felt herself blush furiously. She'd kissed him! She'd kissed the Doctor and not only had it been the worst kiss she'd ever given but he had pulled away from her too. She didn't know what to do, what to say... How do you follow up something like that with words? He wasn't even looking at her at that second. She squirmed, watching him while anxiously wondering how he would react. He saw her run a nervous hand through her hair. "What the bloody hell is that? and what did it do to me?" she demanded distractingly.
"This," he started, placing the shape on the tip end of his index finger and ignoring the now present Jackie, "is what is known as a manipulator, my dear." He looked straight at Rose and with those words of endearment she let her concerns slide away. There'd be time for that later, this was immediately more important. Jackie flipped on the lights as she came in for a better view.
"A manipulator?" Rose asked, shifting to sit on her feet and looking closely at the square. He nodded, looking down his nose at it. He still hadn't lost those trace lines of anger in features yet.
"Yes a manipulator. Created by big business in the year 3343 the manipulator is an illegal chip specially designed to fit right behind the ear of humans and be easily concealable on any other species of alien who the need exists to use it upon," he glanced at his companion's curious expression and placed the shape in her hand.
"So this was behind Rose's ear?" queried Jackie, looking in closer. He nodded. "What's it do?"
"The manipulator is a form of brain control. It latches onto the nervous system of whatever it happens to be on and sends a continuing list of orders to the brain including hormone output levels, food intake, reaction time and perceptions." Rose lifted the tiny object into the light for a better view. It looked like the high tech chips they were always showing on television, the ones that were supposed to be so expensive and delicate.
"So what then, this thing's been controlling me?" she asked distantly, handing it to her mother. He watched it exchange hands with a serious expression on his face and stood.
"Quite the like actually, the manipulator works with emotions. It changes the balances of hormones within you and the reality of your perceptions to suit whatever emotion it is told to feed you and in so doing can control majoritively how you behave and what you think. Big businesses used it to 'improve company morale'. You can see how it became illegal," he explained. Rose and her mother got to their feet as well, Jackie handing over the item in question back to him.
"I'm a failure," Jackie whimpered, making both time travelers look at her. "I assumed you were sick, it never even occurred to me that you might be dealing with something not of this world," she said sadly.
"No, its okay mum," Rose promised, gripping her mother's hands.
"She's right. You don't do this sort of stuff daily, we do. Besides you never would've found it," the Doctor agreed, shoving his hands into his pants pockets. Jackie eyed him.
"Speakin of which... how exactly did you find it?" At this the Doctor seemed to blush and look around the room flustered.
"Well, you see... " he murmured, finally moving to leave when he couldn't find anything significant enough to distract her. Jackie, still curious, pursued and he found himself disliking the similarities between mother and daughter. "I sort of..."
"What's it matter mum? This thing was controlling me," Rose piped up. The Doctor glanced back to exchange a look with Rose as they entered the living room.
"You said Rose has had a hard week?" he asked Jackie.
"Yeah, she hasn't been sleeping and she's been growing grumpier by the day," she replied, directing the latter part at Rose specifically before adding: "I thought it was a side effect of not sleeping, not some chip." Rose smiled encouragingly at her and wrapped a loving arm around her shoulders this time.
"More likely the other way round," the Doctor pointed out. "The chip doesn't control sleep patterns." Pulling it back out of his pocket he contemplatively inspected it again. For a second there was awkward silence.
"But I'm going to be okay now? I'll be normal?" Rose finally asked. He looked up at her. It was obvious that she was worried, that she felt violated by the object in his hand.
"As normal as you've ever been," he smiled brilliantly. She rolled her eyes, grinning.
"Oh ha ha... should we keep it?"
"Yes," he replied, holding it away from her as though she were going to destroy it. "I want to run some tests on it, see where it came from and how it ended up here, on you, practically 1300 years before its invention. We can also see whatever it affected." He said the last part like the very idea would make her want to keep it as a trophy.
"Couldn't it have ended up on her while you were in the future? I imagine if any signals were sent to it, that'd it'd take some time to reach her... being as all the back and forth you two do," Jackie said. Both of the Doctor's eyebrows rose.
"It is very likely, yes," he seemed in awe. "I honestly didn't think of that."
"But we can find out what exactly it did to me?" Rose wondered. Jackie dropped down into a chair and let her head fall to her hands.
"Nope! Its brain has no memory of the instructions sent because it processes it into an action almost instantly. All it retains is the alterations made by the chip."
"So it can tell us how much hormones it changed? And what it did to my perception but not how those made me react?" she continued. This time he lifted only one eyebrow playfully before trotting off toward the door.
"Exactly. Just gotta run it through some system checks and --"
"Hold on a tic, do you have to do it tonight?" she questioned and he looked at her confused.
"Well no, but why wouldn't I?"
"Because you're wounded," she reminded him. "You need to rest a little or you'll never get better, I don't care how fast you heal," she threw in when he opened his mouth to object. He pouted at her. He wasn't surrendering to her, he told himself, just to his happiness to have her back to normal. Jackie chuckled as she headed back into the kitchen and he sat with his elbows to his knees.
"Does this mean you're going to nurse me back to health then?" he flirted. Rose came to his side. She tried to bite back her smile as she shoved him backward lightly, but he could clearly see it. She knelt in front of him again and gestured to him to take his shirt back off while began to prepare the alcohol.
It was quiet in the room after that with only the sounds of the Doctor sucking air through his teeth in pain and pans clicking in the kitchen to fill the silence. He was focused on her work and she was focused on him. She replayed the kiss in her mind. It stung slightly to know he pulled away from her, but she had to admit that it wasn't the most romantic thing they'd ever done. Still, she couldn't fight the urge to know how he felt about it. He'd turned red when Jackie brought it up seconds later and floundered for an excuse, very unlike him, but did that mean he like it or was he just embarrassed? She glanced up at the shuddering noise he was making. He pushed a grin at her, which she promptly returned. He was in pain and she was causing it, yet even then he was trying to encourage her that she was doing the right thing. It was a malevolent thing she'd seen him do with every good person to cross his path. He hugged freely, gave advice without restraint, and granted compassion to even his worst enemies. He's a great man, she thought with a sigh. He could never want her in the way she wanted him to; he was too good for that. He had all of time and space filled with options for his interests and though he'd chosen her for now, there were far better choices for the role of his romance. She could think of no real reason why some silly ape like her would stand out from the rest to him... no matter how much she realized she wanted to.
"Alright now, help me bandage it and we're through," she announced. He took a breath of relief as she reached for the gauge and covered them in topical ointment. "Here just hold this here," she muttered, placing it gently on his chest. "And this too... and lift your arms in the air." He did as told and she started to unwind the ace bandage around his chest. It proved difficult to do without getting too close, but she relished the opportunity to be so near to his otherwise excellent chest.
"So tell me," he started that one statement pregnant with several meanings. Her hands lost control for a brief minute as she nearly dropped the bandage.
"What's that?" she asked shyly. She knew he was going to bring up their kiss at some point, but she had hoped she'd have time to come up with an excuse at least. He was grinning wickedly at her.
"Why wouldn't you let me go get the sonic screwdriver? Don't get me wrong," his grin widened, "I like this option just fine but... it really would've been best to use some more advanced technology on something like this." Rose almost sighed in relief. Controlling her reactions carefully however she only shrugged and tossed him a glowing smile.
"Dunno... maybe I just needed to be doing something about it. I don't really know how to use some of your stuff yet and first aid is something I know pretty well."
"Ah, the old stone age medicine wins in a pinch."
"It isn't stone age," she retorted with pseudo exasperation, "it's 21st century. And I'll have you know it possibly just saved you from another regeneration."
"Well maybe it did," he agreed, letting her win when they both knew he was right.
"Dinner's ready," Jackie leaned over the counter. "How's it feel?"
"Not a bad job," the Doctor approved, patting it lightly for emphasis. Rose cleaned up the mess. "It'll work until I can get to the Tardis medical room."
"Good... well, c'mon then, it's all on the table," she replied, disappearing back into the kitchen. Rose smiled at him, her hand full of bloody cotton balls and gauge as she attempted to carry the first aid box back to the bathroom.
"Let me help," he said and reached for the box. She pulled away.
"No no, I got it. Go and eat, I'll be there in a minute," she assured. He watched her walk away the same way as he'd done before only now he felt a surge of anxiety. Things had definitely changed between them. Where the tension had always hung dormant and interesting, it now hovered dangerously, thrilling and chilling every nerve within him at her very glance. Between her and this wound he wasn't positive he could make it through the night alive... somehow he'd try. Slipping a newly cleaned undershirt on over his bandaged chest he caught a whiff of the soap used to clean it. It kind of reminded him of his favorite blond, only missing the sweet accent of her shampoo to give it flavor. He took a deep breath and put on his jacket next.
Together the three of them sat down to a roast chicken dinner with mashed potatoes, a varied assortment of greens, rolls and warm tea. He noted that it was one of those meals that intended to fill you up and put you to sleep. Somewhere along the line he smiled knowingly at Jackie and her back at him. Rose couldn't possibly have understood the relief that surrounded her. Having her back to normal pretty much meant having EVERYTHING back to normal. She was the common link, she was the cornerstone that kept them all standing... odd how he hadn't realized until then that she was so very important to them all, to him. After they ate Rose proposed a movie and talked him into watching it with them. It was a horribly nonspecific horror movie about aliens that seemed to push laughter out of them, as well as a few critical comments from him especially. Rose and Jackie's comments were more about the sad production quality and the lack of realism the 'victims' portrayed than the volatility of the particular species used as the bad guys. Jackie asked him a couple of times to not talk until the commercials, but she seemed more amused than annoyed.
Rose yawned and rested her head on her hand, propped heavily against the back of the couch. She was settled between her mom and him with her legs curled comfortably underneath her. "How unbelievable is that? Like she'd stand there and let the alien eat her!" she cried exasperated and he smiled warmly at her.
"Well that's 21st century entertainment for you," he answered. She yawned again.
"Rose will you stop all that yawnin!" Jackie belted.
"I'm sorry, I'm just getting sleepy."
"Well then go to bed! You need the sleep after the day you've had! In fact, we all do," she shrilled. In his 9th body her high pitched wailing had been severely grating and maddening, but after the whole ordeal with the sycorax and his regeneration he had developed an appreciation of her and even a sort of fondness. Of course, he also began to notice that she was often times more right than wrong in domestic affairs.
"She's right. That chip prevented you from sleeping properly so you should try and catch up as much as possible," he agreed. Rose shot him a 'not-you-too' glance as she stretched. She seemed to consider the idea though.
"Well since you're going to gang up on me," she half grinned.
"Right then, off to bed with us!" Jackie ordered, standing and shooing at Rose.
"Alright, alright. I agreed didn't I? Just let me get some blankets for the Doctor." He froze, eyes darting about in confusion. Why did she need to get him blankets? He always slept in the Tardis... He turned his head, staring at her as she went to the closet and pulled down a spare pillow and some sheets. "Sorry you can't have the guest room again; mum's got it filled to the brim with attic junk. Says she's going to get rid of it, but most of it's dad's so I doubt she'll do it," she smiled at him. "Well get up and let me fix your bed!" He conceded to standing, again staring at her as she tucked a sheet in over the cushions and fluffed his pillow. Why did he always sleep in the Tardis anyway? Sure it was safer for him, but not for her. Did she even realize that she hadn't asked him to stay tonight? She seemed to not care one bit what he wanted, just expected him to be close by. Honestly he wasn't too averse to complying... She finally laid out his blanket and turned to him. "All's set," she sighed. "Remember mum's on the right side of the hall and I'm to the left... don't want anymore 'strange man in the bedroom' repeats," she beamed. He goofily returned it and for a second they were held that way. It was slightly uncomfortable to just be staring at her when words would've been more appropriate, but there were no words to give.
"Good night," he finally managed.
"Good night," she replied, shifting nervously and barely meeting his gaze. She headed off to bed, leaving him with his thoughts. He sat back down in the same spot he'd occupied a moment before. So much had happened in this tiny holiday he'd given her that for the first time in decades he felt like he needed one. Maybe he could take one with her, after all she didn't really get one with that chip controlling her and they both needed a little recuperation. He found his hand unconsciously holding his stomach and recalled her reaction. She'd been almost astounded, like she believed it wasn't possible for him to get wounded like that and live... and that sadness in her eyes had practically choked him. Granted a lot of the trouble had been started by that damn chip, but he could've saved her the agony it brought by just fixing up the wound on the Tardis. What in the universe possessed him to keep going? Maybe he had a chip too. If they had caught her on their last mission together then they could've got him too. He felt behind both ears to no avail. Clean as a whistle. He sighed and leaned back, stretching out in the average male fashion. Some things all species shared and one such thing was the male tendency. Males tended to forget special events, males tended to like relaxation more than stress, and males tended to get carried away and do stupid things. Thinking logically in this fashion he discovered the root of his mistake and grumbled angrily at himself for being one sex over the other. If it had been Rose who was seriously injured and had all that alien technology lying around she would've patched herself up before meeting him, anyone woman would have. He didn't know if it was a lingering need to prove females as durable as males, which they had proved time and again, or if it was sheer mental dominance. Either way he ended up wrong and frustrated. He seriously wondered if he could regenerate into an a-sexual body.
The Doctor went to the lights and turned them off, switching on a small end table lamp next to the couch. He unbuttoned and pulled off his jacket, dropping it into the recliner before sitting to take off his shoes. He could still hear Jackie moving around, her minor bumps and bangs coming from the right side of the hall. Rose on the other hand was generally quieter despite the movement he could pick up from her side. All at once he found that bending to pull off his shoes was a bad idea as it constricted the majority of the gash on his chest and forced him into a standing position. He winced frighteningly as he dealt with the misery. That silly girl! If she had just let him go down to the Tardis he wouldn't be in pain! If she had just listened to him for once, ONCE, he wouldn't be ready to scream! But no, she had to do things her way. Forget the fact that he'd been around for 9 centuries and might know better than her! She was always running around like she knew everything... Doctor do this, Doctor help me, Doctor stop, Doctor you're being a jerk... like she even had the right to order him around! The very idea! A timelord bending to the whim of some silly human girl! Had his comrades been alive they would've run him through with their taunting! But they wouldn't have understood that Rose wasn't just some human girl. She was different, she was convincing and charming. There wasn't anything she could tell him that he didn't pay attention to or worse, do. He whimpered as the pain subsided and he sat back down. No, it wouldn't matter if other timelords teased him for his attraction to humans or his particular fondness of his blond companion. It wouldn't change a thing for him because he knew that life here with them was exponentially better than anywhere else in existence. He pouted as he realized how completely she'd worked her way under his skin and how little of an effort he was putting up to stop it.
The flat had just fallen silent when a scream sliced through the night air. In an instant he was on his feet, everything forgotten but one thought. He knew that scream, he knew the very pitch it struck and the terror flowing through his veins at the knowledge that she was in danger. He raced to Rose's door, now familiar after his earlier journey, and flung it open. Jackie was at his back in less than a second.
This marked the second time she had been on the floor of her room in one night. A personal record. Rose looked up from her new seat on the carpet to see the Doctor in her doorway, his face etched with fear and rage. Her mum arrived two seconds later and simply gaped over his shoulder. She couldn't fight the blush that stained her cheeks.
"What in the world happened?" Jackie questioned. The Doctor's jaw had gone tight. It seemed he had no words angry enough to express his emotions on the situation.
"I- I thought I saw a face in the window," explained Rose, getting back to her feet, "but it was just my reflection. I'm sorry, it startled me." In truth that had been what happened. She had just put on her pajamas and was turning to flip off the lights when she glimpsed a face in the window. She'd been so shocked and frightened that it not only caused her to scream but to trip over herself and fall to the floor. Now her bottom hurt but she wasn't so scared. It hadn't even taken the Doctor fifteen seconds to be at her side and that in itself was comforting. She was so sure it had been a face though.
"Well don't scare us like that! I thought you were dyin in here!" Jackie scolded and Rose lowered her head ashamed. "Just like a teenager, honestly! All that travelin and she stills shrieks at her own reflection!" her mum added as she wandered back off to her room. Only she and the Doctor remained.
"I am sorry," Rose offered. It was visibly obvious when he let go of his anger. She watched the lines disappear around his jaw and his lips unclench. If only his older body had been so easy to read she never would've gotten him so mad at her.
"Just don't do it again... I think I pulled something," he replied to himself, tugging the door to a close as he adjusted his shoulder. She laughed at this and moved toward the bed. He was so silly sometimes it just spilled into her and residual giddiness lifted her mood. Nothing was too overwhelming with him around, she decided. She could conquer anything. She stopped mid-reach for her lamp at the sound of the door clicking open again. She watched but no one came in. It only cracked and stayed that way. Smiling to herself she guessed the Doctor must've preferred it open in case any threats arose during the night. At last she turned off the light and snuggled down into her covers.
After a while she tossed to the left. Not long after that she tossed to the right. There! That shadow! Did it just move? She froze solid where she lay. When it moved again she realized that it was leaves flying by her window and she tossed back to the left. She wasn't sure how long she'd been lying there like that. It seemed like the night had passed since the Doctor left her door ajar and yet it was still dark beyond her window. She simply was having difficulty shedding the thought that someone was outside waiting for her to fall asleep before pouncing. Perhaps it was the heavy aura of foreboding that encircled her heart and squeezed or the flashing image of the face she'd seen in the window that kept coming back to her that made the night feel longer. It hadn't really been a face. Well it looked like a face, all proportionate and all, but it had no eyes or mouth to speak of, just a nose. Rationally thinking it probably had been her own reflection she'd caught in the glass, but someone needed to tell that to her nerves. She couldn't have been more on edge if the fate of the world rested on her next heart beat. Tossing to the right again she looked at the clock who's illuminated numbers read 1:42 AM. Maybe a glass of warm milk would help? It always had when she was child.
Getting off the bed she trudged bare foot to the door. She had to be especially quiet with the creaks and groans of the flat, she hadn't quite forgotten how furious her mother could be when awoke by a needless noise in the middle of the night. For years she had perfected gliding down the hall with zero sound and now came the time to test her latent skills. Near Jackie's door she clung to the wall, hoping for extra firm floor boards not to crack and was rewarded with exactly that. At the end of the hall she looked up only to make eye contact with the Doctor's large brown orbs across the room. He must have turned to face her when he felt her presence in the room. He was still awake, still sitting up on the couch, still ever vigilant. She smiled weakly at him, the most she could muster through the murky fear she was trying to allude.
"You're still up?" she questioned softly. His face was unreadable against the dark cover of the room. Near the front door and by the kitchen blue lines of light were pouring to the floor from the street lamps outside, forming the only light in the room. It was oddly death like and calming at the same time, a mix she often found followed the Doctor.
"Yes, just thinking," he answered her hushed. She giggled and his expression became bewildered in a flash.
"You never do stop," she explained.
"Well, I do have to think for the both of us," he retorted rather loudly and she dove at him. Throwing one hand over his mouth and placing the other on the back of his neck to hold him still her eyes begged for silence.
"Shh!" she almost mouthed, quickly glancing back to the hall. She never saw the surprise on his face at her abrupt closeness. Satisfied that Jackie still lay sleeping she turned back to him and smiled when their eyes met. They'd been doing a lot of that lately. "Sorry, mum's a real light sleeper and she can be like a raging bull when she gets woke up," she whispered, removing her hand.
"Right... mental note, don't... wake...Jackie," he answered quietly. She grinned, moving around the couch to sit next to him. Here in this dark family room she felt at ease with the world, like nothing could touch her. She'd never been quite so close to him before. Maybe he had like the kiss they'd shared? She sat on her feet, leaning to rest her head on his shoulder and he adjusted to compensate for the height difference. This was something they had done from the beginning.
"Weren't you headed for something important?" he pointed out.
"I wanted a glass of milk, but it isn't important anymore." For a long second the quiet took them over. She had nothing to add to that without telling him more than she wanted to. Domestic was still not something he preferred. "What are you thinking that bothers you so bad?" she finally whispered. She felt him take a breath.
"Nothing in particular... and how would you know if it was bothering me anyway?" he replied in an almost incredulous tone. She couldn't help a small smile.
"You get this tiny wrinkle between your eyebrows when you think too hard," she whispered back.
"There's no such thing as thinking too hard," he stated, but lifted his hand to feel the mentioned area. She giggled again, taking in the feeling of him next to her. It'd been a week since she could be so close with him and she was happy that even after the whole... kiss thing she could still do it. She again fell quiet as she remembered the moment. Had he thought about it at all? How did he feel? The wind rustled the windows to make an eerie sound of moaning. She shivered involuntarily. She still couldn't shake the feeling that someone out there was waiting on her.
"What's your excuse?" he quietly wondered. She glanced up at him. "What's your excuse for being up so late after we sent you to bed?"
"Oh... just thinking," she lied.
"What about?" Did she really want him to know how she felt? The slight anxiety of being so close to him and thinking that every shadow wanted her? Did he really want to know where that chip had left her? She didn't want him to. She was afraid that if he knew the truth he'd find her too weak to travel with him but... she needed to talk about it. She absolutely had to sort some things out and who would understand better than her Doctor?
"The manipulator," she confessed at length. She wasn't sure but she thought she felt him tense under her cheek.
"What about it?"
"It was just - so weird... I keep remembering how it felt, how it was like... I was there, I was thinking those things, seeing those things, feeling those things and yet I was watching them too. I was standing back and judging everything I did and nothing was right, nothing I felt or thought was remotely right. I felt wrong... and not just a little wrong ya know? Not that kind of wrong where you know something isn't working but you don't know what, but more like I was speaking and it wasn't true, I was feeling and they weren't mine... I didn't instigate any of the thoughts I had and yet they were mine all the same," she whispered softly. He didn't respond, she was sure he didn't know how. What's the right answer to hearing someone explain their own confusion without understand how they're confused? "It was like a veil, like everything was filtered to make me think something and I wanted to think it... I wanted to be afraid, to tell you I hated you, to snap at Mickey, and to just sit - alone, away from the world, away from anything that provoke me. S'right depressing really."
"Those thoughts weren't yours Rose, I told you that. You were being fed thoughts, controlled to take them a certain way and then adjusted intensify them. The manipulator made you feel and think all those things. It's perfectly normal to fear what you don't understand."
"But I wasn't afraid of that," she cried, her voice hardly breaking a rasp. "I was afraid to lose you, afraid to lose the world I have with you, to lose myself... those feelings were mine Doctor, from wherever that chip pulled them from my brain they were still mine. Maybe I just didn't acknowledge it before"
Perhaps hoping wasn't fair right now. To hope that she meant what she said and that her lips against his were real wasn't fair when she was spilling her heart to him. She was frightened of herself, frightened of him... that chip had left her feeling alone and used and if those really were her feelings he watched develop before him then she wasn't as composed as he always imagined her to be. Which actually suited her though; it made her human to be afraid, to predict the worst instead of aimlessly expecting the best. He'd forgotten how fragile humans were, how intricately their minds wove with their bodies. With humans you could never affect only one, never have only one, it was a package deal.
"I just... I feel so violated. I always imagined letting someone in but never what it would feel like to have them push their way in against my will... that chip did whatever the hell it felt like and I couldn't stop it," she shuddered.
"Oddly enough most people who experience it feel the same and human minds are so fragile, so delicately balanced that the slightest knock could send them careening off course. All of you are really like glass, you have to be careful with ever tap that's made or else the entire thing will crack and shatter. I should've realized it sooner; I haven't been fair with you. I haven't really planned what I would do without my glass Rose," he whispered solemnly. She sat up and stared at him hard, her eyes animatedly forcing his into submission.
"I don't want you to leave me, Doctor. I was trying to tell you before but that blasted chip wouldn't let me... I don't want to lose any of what I have now, none of it. The running for my life, the strange and dangerous aliens, the food, the sights, the Tardis, you... I wouldn't trade it for anything and it scares to me think that one day, rather you want to or not, you'll leave me..." He couldn't argue with her on that, one day he would have to leave her. He'd told her before that humans shrivel and die but he won't. One day he will have to walk away from her and that face that stopped the universe for him. Nevertheless, that didn't effect right now and the emotion she bravely voiced to him. He didn't answer, only acknowledge her meaning by wrapping an arm around her to make them more comfortable and pulled her back into him, careful not to let her lie against his wound. He rested his arm around her stomach, letting her head settle at his shoulder.
"I know," he finally sighed, "but it's always nice to hear."
"Well I mean it... I - like what we have," she whispered softly. He paused, gazing into the darkness of the room and all the shadows that the street lamps continued to create. It was going to be morning soon and there wouldn't be anymore whispering in the dead of night to keep Jackie from waking up. One day there wouldn't even be this much; he wouldn't have her to whisper with. The weight of her against would only be a memory because one day he'd have to replace her. Gallifrey! He didn't want to replace her; he didn't want to have to know that one day it would be just him again. With her he was different; he was at home just in a thought of her. She didn't seem to notice his tortured silence. Her breathing was slowing down and he could feel her relaxing into him.
"Rose, you're my companion, the one person I chose out of all existence to travel with me when I hadn't had anyone next to me in years. You're the only Rose in existence. There are no others like you. Why would I have any intention of leaving you unless I had absolutely not choice?" he smiled. He had wanted her to laugh or at least smile but as he looked down on her countenance he saw she took it to heart... just as good, he thought cheerily. She rubbed her cheek into his shoulder, letting his words stand for their worth. "And if that's all that's bothering you, you need to stop being so daft and fall asleep right this instant," he added sharply. At this he felt her chuckle gently and couldn't avoid joining in. "Ya know... sometimes you make me forget how alone I am," he added even softer, but she didn't reply. She didn't even flinch. He looked down over her again to find her eyes shut and her breathing low. She was fast asleep on him, nuzzled adorably into his shoulder and he grinned. Finally she would rest; she could recover from the day and let their conversation sink in. Part of him was glad she didn't hear his last little proclamation. The more he showed her he cared, the harder it would be to let her go later. He couldn't deny he loved her, that she made his very world spin with just a look, but what if the heartbreak destroyed them both when he had to say goodbye to her? What if he had to watch her die, leaving him alone that much longer... could he really live with himself knowing those were the options? Could he really let his little glass Rose go through all of that? Propping his chin on his right hand he settled comfortably into this new situation and let the dark thoughts of tomorrow play across his mind.
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A/N: whew that was a long one:) How'd you like?