Usual disclaimers apply, not mine BSG belongs to Moore and Eick.

Distribution: Please let me know before posting anywhere else.

Warning: without spoiling the chapter too much, this chapter has someadult content, not explicit, but if that bothers you email me and I'll send a 'cleaner' version to you. However this story is rated M, for a reason so you were warned. Authors Notes at the bottom. Here's chapter 5 hope it was worth the wait…

Chapter 5:

'Adama'

Kara wondered as she packed if her life would ever break away from the name Adama. It seemed as if anyone with the last name Adama believed it was their life's mission to take care of the frak up known as Kara Thrace. First there was Lee, who challenged her, took care of her, her wingman and partner. Then she met Zak, who stole her heart before she knew what had happened. It was impossible not to love Zak, he had that way about him, but Zak was gone, they had buried him less than 24 hours ago, she was still drowning in her guilt, until another saviour with the last name Adama entered her life. This time it was Commander William Adama, somehow without knowing anything about her he offered her something to live for, a fresh start away from everything that reminded her about her life with Zak, the one she never got to have.

She remembered the wake this afternoon at the Adama house, as one by one the well wishers left until it was only herself and the Adama's. The tension was palpable, the room was filled with it, she didn't think it could get any worse, boy had she been wrong, it just took one word, and then all hell broke loose.

Flashback

"Lee" Bill Adama's pain filled voice broke the tense silence.

"Don't, just don't" Kara blinked, that wasn't Lee, he had never sounded so cold, so dangerous not her Lee.

"I know you're angry…" Bill tried again.

"Angry" Lee spat venomously, "I'm so frakking beyond angry, how dare you stand there, and grieve, like you even cared about Zak, when we all know that he would still be here if it wasn't for you!"

"Lee!" Caroline exclaimed as the room witnessed Bill blanch.

"It was an accident son" Bill attempted to break through to his eldest child.

It was the wrong thing to say, Kara witnessed the Adama family implode right in front of her, and it broke her heart, not only had she killed Zak but she caused all the pain and recriminations that followed. What was worse, was what she had done to Lee, Lee was never a gentle soul, not like Zak, he had to grow up too soon for him to be able to remain gentle. Kara had always known that, she had seen him angry, drunk, happy, tired, alive and cocky. She had seen him focus all his anger on a single target before, it was one the things that made him such a dangerous opponent, but never had she witnessed that fury focussed on family, or a superior officer, both which applied to Commander Adama. Her heart broke again at the changes she had caused in Lee, again and again he attacked Commander Adama, never relenting over and over, until there was nothing left but a broken shell of man who had buried one son and been buried by the wrath of the other. In the end it was Caroline's plea's that broke through to Lee, and he escorted his overwrought mother to her room.

As Bill left the room Kara didn't know what to do with herself, should she stay where she was, follow Bill, or find Lee. In the end her own cowardice won, she went after Bill. He was standing on the porch watching the heavy summer downpour, it was an appropriate backdrop. During the funeral, a few hours earlier, it had been bright and sunny neither of which matched Kara's inner turmoil, the rain however matched her emotions perfectly. She remembered Bill's hand taking hers in the middle of the service as her own strength was failing, and decided she could at least return the favour; she grasped his hand, mirroring his earlier actions but her thoughts had been silenced by Bill's heart wrenching question.

"Is Lee right, did I kill Zak, with my expectations?"

"Lee…He's just hurt and angry; He loved Zak more than anything"

"And I didn't" Bill asked, his voice filled with pain.

"No that not what I meant, of course you did, it's just…"

"Just what…"

"Zak was his baby brother, Lee would have given him the world, I don't think he ever imagined Zak not being in his life, and the shock of his death hurts Lee, and he could never deal well with hurt, so he gets angry because its easier to deal with, and when Lee gets that upset, the only thing he can do is lash out, and his issues with you made you the obvious target. Sir please understand that he didn't-"

"If you know my son half as well as I think you do, you know that he meant every word."

Kara didn't reply, what could she say, he was right.

"I guess I never noticed until now how much Zak acted as a barrier between Lee and I. He's always been civil before at least he appeared civil. Did I ever know him, and what about Zak did he feel the same? Did I ever know my sons?" William sounded lost.

"Zak couldn't lie, he showed you everything he thought and felt, he was always open, no hidden agendas, no pretences just Zak. That's one of things I loved most about him. Sir if there's one thing you should never doubt it was Zak's love for you, he was so proud of you and Lee."

"I don't know why, I was hardly there for his childhood, I was gone by the time he was ten, seeing them a couple of times a year, it wasn't enough, that's one of reasons I wanted them both to join the service, part of me always thought that maybe I could get to know my sons as men, but I'll never get the chance anymore. Zak's gone and Lee, I don't think Lee will even stay in the same room as me anymore."

Kara's eyes teared for the millionth time that day, she wanted to, no she needed to fix this; after all it was her fault. "Just give him some time and space, that's all you can do when Lee's like this."

"I'll be back on the Galactica in a couple of days and Lee will be on the Atlantia, I don't think he could any further away if he tried."

Kara tensed when William Adama mentioned the Atlantia, it was still hard for her to believe Lee was stationed so far away, for over 5 years Lee had been part of her life, him not being there seemed unnatural…wrong. At least before she could lose herself in Zak and their life together, she didn't what she would do now, she'd lost both of her lifelines. Lee had been avoiding her since he came back for the funeral, she knew he was taking care of his mother, but part of her knew that he was waiting for everything to die down, because they both knew that when they acknowledged each other they'd have to face the pain they were both feeling, and the Adama family home was not the place for that. She was both anticipating and dreading that meeting, so far they hadn't even looked into each other's eyes. They didn't need to; the emotions they were both feeling were strong enough to be felt from a distance. In the midst of her deep thoughts she missed the commander attempting to gain her attention.

"Kara…Kara…Starbuck!"

"Sorry sir, you were saying?"

"I asked what your plans were; I understand your teaching post is coming to an end soon."

"I hadn't really thought about it sir, at first I only took the post because my old Commander insisted, and then I stayed an extra year for Zak, I'll just go where the fleet wants me to I guess."

"There's a spot open on Galactica…"

"Sir?"

"I've seen your record, even with all the infractions any Commander worth their salt can see your aptitude as a pilot and as an officer, you'll probably get a lot of offers, but I'd like the opportunity to get to know you Starbuck"

Kara was floored, he wanted to get to know her, a spot on the Galactica, he was right it wasn't the most prestigious post in the fleet, that went to Nagala's ship the Atlantia, where Lee was, where she had a spot reserved by Nagala himself, only Nagala and Lee knew, she hadn't even told Zak. But William Adama wanted the opportunity to get to know her; the cynical part of her wondered whether he would still care if he knew about her part in Zak's death. Her gut was telling her that she should go to the Galactica, it was exactly what she needed, a distraction from Zak's death and Lee, as well as her guilt on both parts. But the part that was Starbuck knew that as much as Kara needed to go to the Galactica, that it would be a transgression that neither Apollo nor Lee could forgive. Ever since she had known Lee, she knew about his difficult relationship with his father. She had always been intrigued, because the 'Husker' she had read about was shockingly similar to Apollo. She knew in her heart that Commander Adama loved his son's; the last 24 hours had more than proved it. She realised that she had just witnessed Adama pay the price for her crime, the least she could do was honour his request, Gods only knew how lonely he must be on that Battlestar all alone. Kara's guilt lessened as Adama's eyes lost their deadened look for just a moment as she agreed to join the Galactica, but the guilt soon returned as remembered that she still had to face Apollo and his inevitable wrath.

Evening of the funeral, Play Park on Picon

Lee was floating, actually he was drowning, figuratively and literally, after making sure his mother had fallen asleep Lee had headed straight for the nearest bar, he needed to get drunk, and quickly.

'Zak was dead'

His mind still couldn't grasp that his baby brother was dead, he would have given anything to swap places with him, actually he had already given Zak the most precious thing in his life, Kara. But if Zak was dead then it was all for nothing, all the pain, guilt and heartache were for nothing. Now here he was sitting in the park he and Zak used play in as children, with his bottle of Whiskey, he didn't want the sweetness of Ambrosia, no Lee needed to drown his grief, despair, pain and guilt and for that he needed whiskey. As his mind wandered back to days past, his few pre-Kara happy memories all of which involved Zak, he didn't even notice the rain, or the fact that he was soaked to the bone. He just kept swinging and drinking, he hadn't looked in her eyes once, not since he was told, he was afraid of the pain he would see, to see the anguish that he felt in his soul mirrored in her eyes would be too much for him. So he had concentrated on his mother, and avoided Kara, because he didn't know what would be worse seeing her pain first hand or having to acknowledge that Zak meant enough to break her. He was ashamed of that, that he still resented that she loved him, he understood it, he loved Zak too, but even as he mourned his death Lee knew that part of him still felt angry at how much he (Zak) meant to Kara, and as a result he felt guilty.

Zak and Kara, Kara and Zak the two touchstones of his life, and now Zak was gone and he thought he had let go of Kara. Gods how wrong could he be, Zak was gone but Kara was still here, and in pain, even in his drunken haze he remembered that he could never bear to see Kara in pain. He'd do anything for her, even step aside and let his baby brother have her, he'd let her go, and she fell in love, even got engaged to Zak, but now they had both lost him, he needed Kara, now more than ever.

Kara's Apartment, Picon

Same Time

Kara was packing, well it was more like throwing clothes in a bag, but to her it was packing, clothes was the easy part, deciding what personal possessions she should take was a lot harder, in the end she just added a picture of her, Zak and Lee, she didn't need anything else. The loud banging on the door, saved Kara from thinking of other time wasting acts she could do instead of finding Lee, that was a conversation she wouldn't mind putting off till never. Unfortunately the Gods didn't agree, as the face that greeted hers as she opened the door was a very wet and drunk Lee Adama, lords he reeked of whiskey, she didn't know if he wore more whiskey than he actually drank, but she didn't really want to know.

"Lee!"

Lee didn't even reply he just shoved past her and entered the apartment.

"Hey!" Kara exclaimed, she wasn't angry yet, but he had just wiped a copious amount of water on her as he passed her.

Lee just took a large swig from his whiskey bottle; he still hadn't met her eyes, so he looked around her apartment.

Kara felt the temperature in the room drop as Lee saw her half packed bag and her heartbeat raced in abject fear as his body froze with realisation. Damn she did not want him to find out like this. She was brought out of her thoughts as her mind registered a frightening sound. Laughter, cold brutal emotionless laughter that sent shivers up her spine…and she knew that whatever happened tonight was going to test her and Lee.

"Lee?" Kara asked hesitantly unsure of whether or not she wanted him to answer.

"Should have known" Lee said bitterly.

"What? I don't understand what should you have known Lee?"

"After all it's your M.O isn't it? 'Frak and Run' and its time to run now isn't it, never mind that Zak's dead, that mum's heartbroken, or that I might need you-"

"Hey! That's not fair, and don't you think you've drank enough, Gods Lee this isn't like you, first you attack your father and now you show up drunker than I've ever been let alone seen you before." She snatched the bottle away from him.

"Hey! Give that back…get your own"

Kara took a large gulp of the whiskey, she needed the fortification. "Lee your clothes are drenched, you need to change and then we'll get you sobered up…okay?"

Lee apparently wasn't listening; instead he was looking at her artwork and poetry on the walls.

"Lee" Kara tried again, she had got some of Zak's clothes and a towel to dry him off with, and he still ignored her as he made his way to her stash of alcohol. "Damn! Stop drinking damn it, it's not helping Lee."

"I understand now, why you drink I mean. Its stops the pain, doesn't it, stops you having to feel any of it, and you Kara have always been afraid" Lee said not taking his eyes of the walls.

Kara took a step back, "Stop it Lee."

He just laughed that glacial laugh that sent chills down her spine. "Fearless Starbuck, but you're not are you? Fearless I mean, you've always been afraid, of being happy, being loved…me"

"Lee please" Kara pleaded.

"None of it matters anymore Kara…" He said despondently, his mood changing again.

"Don't you dare say that Lee!" just the thought that Lee could give up terrified her, but she drowned out her ever present fear with anger.

"It's true; I just don't see the point anymore-"

SMACK! The slap struck him straight across his left cheek, hard.

"What about Caroline, your mother remember, are you going to make her mourn both her children! Or me, are you that selfish."

Lee didn't know if it was the slap or the words or even a combination of both but he snapped. Grabbing the hand that had slapped him seconds earlier Lee threw Kara against the wall and held her there.

"SELFISH! Everything in my life has been about other people, mum, Zak, society, nothing I do is for me, I have nothing that is mine; I have nothing left!" he roared at her.

"You have your family, your career, you have ME!" Kara said trying unsuccessfully to get out of his hold.

"I just buried my family; my career was never my choice and you I gave to Zak" Lee shouted back at her.

Kara couldn't stop the fury that travelled through her at his statement or the smack that came with it. Her tears however came because as much as they had previously denied it, they both knew the truth of the statement.

"Damn you, Apollo!" Kara cried as she hit him, her punches falling harmlessly against his chest.

"I already am" and he let go of her, and she fell back against the wall. Lee made his way back to the whiskey and noticed her bag again, with the photo on top.

"So where are you running off to this time" he failed to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

She cringed, "Er-my teaching contract was about to end, and with what happened, well anyway I'm shipping to-"

"Oh Gods Starbuck, I'm so sorry for being a jerk, I completely forgot, so you're finally coming to Atlantia, Nagala must be happy. You'll love it Starbuck, just you, your viper and the stars."

Kara's heart broke for the millionth time that day, he sounded, well not happy but less depressed than before, she couldn't keep up with his mercurial mood swings, it gave her whiplash trying to keep up, but she couldn't let him think that she was joining Atlantia…joining him that would be cruel. "No Lee…you've got it wrong, I am joining a battlestar…I got asked…I was offered a position…on…on…Galactica…" she finally managed to tell him and then she waited for the inevitable outburst.

"WHAT!" Lee couldn't believe his ears; she had not just said she was joining the Galactica, his father's ship. Fury as he had never felt before consumed him and unable to control or suppress it, in a fit of rage he threw the bottle of whiskey against the wall, less than a metre away from Kara's head, it made a satisfying smash, the destruction felt great.

"How can you- after everything…you know what he did, you've always known…HE KILLED ZAK!" Thoughts were flowing so fast through his mind that he couldn't settle on a point.

"He lost his son Lee, isn't that enough?" Kara tried again to reach him, but she was scared, she had never seen him lose it like this, for the first time in her life Apollo's rage was focussed on her and her alone.

"NO! I can't believe you're siding with him, choosing him over me!"

"It's not about sides Lee, I need this, ME! I want to do this Lee, I can't be here, not after…and he's all alone."

Lee didn't say a word he just snatched up the remaining bottle of alcohol and stomped out of the apartment and back into the rain.

Kara just stared at the door that had been slammed so violently that it came off one of its hinges. She didn't even pause to change, but ran after him in the rain, he was far too angry and drunk to be left alone.

Within minutes her shorts and tanks were drenched through, and she regretted not adding protective layers, she picked a direction and ran. Hopefully he was still nearby. She found him in the alley behind the abandoned building that was adjacent to hers, he was pounding away at the wall, and she could see the blood grow with each punch.

"LEE…LEE…DAMNIT…APOLLO…STOP IT!" Kara yelled, in the end she had to physically restrain him to stop him from doing any further damage. She used her tanks in an attempt to stop the bleeding; the rain had washed most of it away.

Seeing her tend to his hands so gently, tenderly almost broke him, an act so unlike Starbuck yet so like his Kara. But she wasn't his Kara, not anymore; she was leaving, running away to the Galactica, to his father of all people. What really hurt him was the fact that he knew that she was aware of how he would feel his reaction and yet she was going anyway. Gods he was so sick of her hurting him, first she chose Zak, his baby brother for Gods' sake, and now she was going with his father! "Tell me Kara, am I ever going to be first with you, huh? Am I?"

"Lee-" Kara began her voice filled with pain.

Lee didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear her say that his father was more important than him, so for the second time that evening he slammed her against the wall, but this time he used his mouth to silence her, this time she didn't get the opportunity to voice her objections.

The kiss was hard, unyielding, passionate and challenging all at once. With his kiss he challenged her to stop him, deny him, to deny what they had, he dared her to stop the kiss, to try, he dared her to carry it on, he dared her to defy the Gods. And Lord's save her she couldn't deny him, so she met his challenge, she kissed back furiously. Her kiss was fuelled by anger, pain, loss, guilt, passion, lust and love everything she had always felt around Lee. Her guilt at causing Lee this pain, but she knew deep down that she needed to heal, to rebuild herself, and she couldn't do that near Lee, he'd save her and she needed to save herself. So she kissed him, hell she couldn't stop even if she wanted to. Lee had her pinned high to the wall; her legs had no other option but to wrap round his hips. 'Oh Lords' his lips had moved to her neck, she moaned in ecstasy and in pain as she tried to get his lips back to hers, where she wanted no needed them, but apparently Lee had other plans.

Damn, damn, damn, he was damned, he had just wanted to stop her reasons for leaving him, now he was putting all his energy into showing her why she couldn't leave him. He had always felt primal around Kara, had done since they first met, but right now he couldn't suppress his body's desire and need to mark him, the fact that she was trying to leave him, that she would leave him only served to fuel his desire. He marked her neck, it wasn't enough so he moved to shoulder and bit it. Gods it wasn't enough, it would never be enough, he pushed her tanks out the way, but they were clinging to her body, drenched by the torrential downpour they were in. Normally he would be grateful but tonight they were a hindrance, blocking his path, so he ripped them off her. His mouth went back to work as her hands clawed his shoulders in pleasure, mark for mark she was his equal.

Kara barely registered that tanks were ripped and hanging off her, she didn't notice the torrents of summer rain that was falling on her, she didn't care that Lee had her pinned to an alley wall and was doing sinful things to her body, she just didn't want it to stop, ever. She managed to get his shirt off him, and then she returned all the favours he had just paid her. Her body was trembling with emotions; Lee knew all of her weaknesses and paid each sensitive spot with equal amounts of dedication and attention, his lips and hands were playing her body like an instrument made only for him. Each stroke, each kiss said "mine", and then her world exploded as his fingers entered her. Never had she come so quickly, but Lee wasn't done, again and again he worked her in and again until she could bear no more and she came utterly and completely that her body all but collapsed around him. Then with one small word her world shattered into a million pieces as did her heart.

"Stay"

She didn't know if it was a question, statement, plea or demand, all she knew was that she couldn't. So she did the only thing she could…she broke his heart, hers was already shattered.

"No"

He stiffened, 'Oh Lords', she realised belatedly that he was still inside her. As his fingers moved he spoke again.

"Stay"

Her eyes never leaving him she bit her lip to swallow the moan of pleasure his fingers created and answered.

"No"

His eyes narrowed, as his fingers began to pull out, Kara couldn't stifle her moan of disappointment. Hearing her moan he snapped as he simultaneously thrust his hand deep inside her and kissed her hard.

She was weakening she could feel it, how could she even think about leaving him, but she had to, for both their sakes. She wretched her lips from his and begged.

"Lee…Don't…don't win like this, not like this." She couldn't stop the tears that fell from her eyes.

He understood how could he not? He may not like or even agree with her choices but he understood, they could carry on and chances are she would stay, but it wouldn't be her not all of her, and with Kara he needed all, he would be satisfied by nothing less. But what terrified him the most was the part of him that didn't care, and that part was too strong to fight. He kissed her again, bruising, like a dying man quenching his thirst, he devoured her. With his eyes closed and his forehead resting on hers he put her back on the ground and simply said…

"Go"

Kara sobbed, she didn't know if it was out of relief or despair, but her tears were flowing freely, as were Lee's. Their tears merged with the rain as their eyes met.

"Lee..." what could she say?

"Don't, just go before I change my mind" he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice, just because he understood, didn't make him happy.

Kara just nodded, and then she turned and ran away.

Lee just stood there in the back alley, half naked, with the torrential rain pouring down on him and watched Kara run away from him…again.

AN's: Sorry for the infrequent updates, well here was the long awaited 'fight' between Lee and Kara. Sorry again that it took so long, honestly I had so many demands as an author in my head about what I wanted from this scene that made it a bitch to write. Essentially I psyched myself out as I had hinted the severity and importance of said fight in previous chapters, and then I had to live up to it! Totally shot myself in the foot there. So please let me know if I delivered, I would like to know.

On a similar note I have noticed a decrease in comments since my story took a less fluffy turn, which is fine as not everybody likes drama/angst, but if you are reading this then please let me know what you thought of this chapter, a lot of work went into it and I would like to know how it is received. Also it was my first time writing anything remotely close to smut, so I would also appreciate any comments on that aspect of my work, if it sucks let me know and for any future work I'll just '…' it and let peoples imagination fill in the blanks.

Here comes the moral moment of the AN, if I disturbed anybody with the latter part of this chapter I sincerely apologise, the incident was completely consensual, and I hope that comes across.

Thanks to all my reviewers,Amy, Tracy, Shippychick, dgainey, grumpy, Sairs J,and also to all the new people who have placed either myself or my story on their alert/fav lists. Thank you it is very much appreciated.

Inara.xxx