Title: Forsaken Heart

Author: Reaper Nanashi (a.k.a. Lady Shinigami)

Word Count: 3,657

Type: One-Shot (Complete)

Rating: T (it's probably more a K+, but since there's a little violence . . .)

Date Submitted: 12/05/06

Disclaimer: I have no past or present involvement with Square-Enix or Disney, though it would be quite interesting if I did, wouldn't it?

Claimer: Concept, Heartless traits you don't recognize, and style mine.

Summary: Sora was only a Heartless for a short time, but what he felt during that interval would remain unforgettable.

The Reasoning Behind It: I was completely and utterly scandalized by the fact that no one had done something like this. Or, if it had been done, it hadn't been attempted enough that I had found an example. So I took that outrage, coupled it with my need to prove that I can write one-shots, and this was born.

It was dark.

Cold.

He could see nothing.

Feel nothing.

Where was he?

Who was he?

"Sora! . . . Sora, don't go!"

That voice . . .

He knew it . . .

. . . Didn't he?

"Sora, come back!"

Sora.

Was that his name?

Was it?

. . . Yes.

Yes, it was.

The voice . . .

". . . Sora . . ."

He knew the voice, too, for sure.

Kairi.

It had to be her.

He wanted to get back to her, but his motions were sluggish, like he was trying to swim in cold molasses. Where was he, anyway? He got the impression that he was supposed to be afraid of the darkness and what it represented, but when it came down to it--because of Kairi's voice--he was more annoyed than anything else. Besides, he did not make a habit of being scared of the dark; he had gotten over that when he was eight. What bothered him was not the darkness itself, but the intense loneliness that the darkness brought with it.

He did not want to be alone--he wanted to be with Riku and Kairi. He wanted to be on Destiny Islands again, swordfighting with Tidus and practicing blitzball with Wakka. He wanted to swim in the ocean and sit at the top of one of the coconut trees and dream about what sorts of amazing things were beyond the horizon. If nothing else, he wanted to go to Traverse Town and join up with Leon--because really, what was not cool about a gunblade and a keyblade being on the same team?--and find out exactly who that Cloud guy was and what he was doing fighting for Hades anyway.

Suddenly, an ice-cold hand grabbed his sternum and yanked him forward--or what he had to assume was forward--harshly. He tried to scream, but the darkness swallowed any sound that he may have made. It did not swallow the pain, though. For several seconds he experienced the sensation of speed but had no way to verify it, then he was standing in the Hollow Bastion's key room, part of a ring of shadows surrounding Kairi, Donald, and Goofy.

Was he supposed to attack them?

They ran and he watched Riku struggle against Ansem. Satisfied that Goofy and Donald would protect Kairi even with the other shadows following them, he turned to help Riku but discovered he held an innate fear of Ansem. He could not understand it, but it was powerful. He milled about, trying to figure out a way to help Riku, when the very object of his thoughts turned from his battle and looked directly at him.

"What are you just standing there for?! Go after her, moron!"

He tilted his head--would have blinked if he had eyelids--and turned away. At the edge of the rise he looked back for a moment, taking in his friend's lack of solidity with curious eyes. It was then that he realized he could see in dimensions. Riku was both there and not there because he was transparent--little more than the memory of his soul--in the dimension that he had come from and solid in whatever dimension he was now in. This was, undoubtedly, how all Heartless saw things and how they could appear and disappear at will. They were dimension-hoppers, able to cross from one location to another in the blink of an eye. They could track victims over great distances without tiring because those great distances were not great to them.

His musings were interrupted when the tip of a shoe caught him in the gut and tossed him over the edge of the rise. "Are you deaf?! Get lost!"

He almost called the older boy something distinctly impolite, but changed his mind. Riku only wanted him to protect Kairi.

I'll come back for you, Riku! I swear it!

That promise made, he ran from the room. Behind him, he heard Riku say to Ansem with what was surely one of his patent holier-than-thou smirks, "It's time for you and I to get better acquainted, don't you think?"

He started to descend the maze that made up Hollow Bastion and flinched initially at the sight of the number of Heartless that were on all sides of him in various dimensions, waiting to attack. They did nothing more than glance at him disinterestedly, though, and he quickly figured out that they thought he was one of them. He looked like them and they could not tell that he was different from them. Plus, since shadows were so numerous, they were probably considered the peons of the Heartless world--sent for Ansem's coffee or whatever.

Thinking of the man, even in a non-aggressive way, caused a strong resurgence of the fear he had first felt and he wondered exactly what connection Ansem had with the Heartless. He had seen with his own eyes that one's darkness eventually took over oneself entirely, so why did the very things that were made of that darkness fear something that was capable of succumbing to the darkness that composed them? It did not make sense. He had read the man's reports; the man had seemed more curious than cruel, more benevolent than malicious. Had something happened to him--had he found something--that had altered his perceptions and behaviors so much that he was too dark for even the Heartless to want to have anything to do with him?

He would have to think of it later, because thinking of it right then frightened him like nothing else. Still, with his advantage established he went on through the building unmolested. The advantage quickly became an annoying hassle when he realized he could no longer activate the crystals that controlled the Bastion's lifts. He peered over the edge of the balcony and cringed when he looked down and saw nothing but clouds below him. He had not been afraid before because he could have simply glided to safety, even if it meant he would have to start all over again from the rising falls, but now . . .

Did he really have to jump?

He put his hands--if they could be called that--over his eyes, as he could not close them, and backed up several steps. He dashed forward, prepared to jump for it and hope he came out in one piece, but the instant that he felt the updraft of air he slammed to a stop just centimeters from actually going over. He cursed himself furiously--how could such a coward have gotten so far anyway?--and backed up to go again.

This time he would not lose his nerve; Riku was depending on him.

He had to get to Kairi.

At the thought of his friends, a deep and severe pain rose in him and consumed him so thoroughly that he collapsed and writhed on the ground in a parallel of death throes. The intensity was indescribable--he burned from both the heat and cold and felt pulled in a thousand different directions at once. He tried to scream again, but like the first time it was muted so heavily that he only heard it echo in his own head. The darkness closed in on him anew, eagerly gulping down everything it touched. He desperately grabbed for his memories and his feelings, clutching them close as the darkness moved in to take them away from him.

Riku! Kairi! Help me!

There was an amused chuckle. It was wispy, like a memory he had forgotten until that point. "You're such a chicken, Sora."

"Riku! Don't make fun of him! He's doing the best he can!"

It was a memory. He had never really thought much about the whole incident after it was all over, but when they had discovered that he could not swim, Riku and Kairi had taken it upon themselves to teach him. The reasoning was, as Riku put it, that it was crazy for someone who lived on an island to be incapable of swimming. Though he had thought differently at the time, in hindsight he could see they had both cared--one more obviously than the other--enough about his well-being to teach him.

Kairi let him hug her probably too tightly to be comfortable, but he did not notice right then and she did not complain. "Sora, it's okay to be afraid, but you can't let it control you like this. Stop struggling and trust me. You can do this, I know you can. Are you ready? . . . All right. First of all, put your feet down and stand up; the water's shallow here. Good. See? Not so bad, is it? Now turn this way--this way, Sora--there's Riku. Swim to him in whatever way you think is best--doggy-paddle if it'll make you feel better."

"Don't doggy-paddle," Riku advised him, trying not to smile as he treaded water a short distance away in the surf. "I'll be laughing too hard to catch you."

"Riku!" Kairi scolded. "Be serious!"

"Who said I was joking?"

She rolled her eyes at that. "Boys. Listen, Sora, Riku and I are both right here and even he won't let you drown."

"Hey! Laughing at him doesn't mean I want him to die!"

She smiled. "See? You'll be fine. We won't let you get hurt. The worst that'll happen is that you'll get some salt water up your nose. It'll sting and be icky and taste bad, but it won't kill you." She gave him a little push toward Riku, which frightened him considerably because he was already submerged to his neck in the clear, warm ocean water. "Go on."

He swallowed nervously, paused to figure out exactly what he would do, then pushed off and ducked under the surface of the water, glad Kairi had taught him to hold his breath earlier that week. That the training for it had been as much a fiasco as this was turning out to be had not deterred him, fortunately. He did want to learn, though not in Riku's 'just throw him in and see what he does' way. He swam blindly--the salt stung his eyes, so he kept them closed--and was immensely relieved when he felt a hand on his head. He clutched at the arm that it was attached to and broke the surface of the water, gasping in a breath of air.

Riku was laughing, which he had not exactly not expected, but it was a lot farther away than he had thought it would be. "Sora! You're going to give me a cramp if you keep making me laugh like this!"

He wiped the seawater from his face and looked over at the person he was holding onto so tightly, then let his feet fall to the sand. "Sorry, Kairi."

She smiled. "It's all right. You were supposed to swim, which you did quite well, but you're not going to get very far if you can only swim in circles. That was a good first try, but let's get it done in a straight line this time."

He turned to face Riku and was just about to set out when the older boy let out a pained cry and curled in toward his left. He began to sink, but managed to flail a little to keep himself upright. "Ah! Ow! Sora, help!"

He dove into the water without another thought and swam to his friend. He reached out and pulled Riku up from the water, positioning himself so it would be easier for the other to grab his shoulders. Riku hung limply over him and coughed weakly, then leaned in closer to his head roughly half the way to shore and said without a trace of pain, "See, you chicken? You could have done it all along."

". . . You . . . You jerk!" he howled furiously, spinning around and dunking the other boy beneath the water's surface. "I thought you were drowning!"

Riku came to the surface, spit out a mouthful of seawater, and laughed. "I showed you the truth, didn't I?"

All his courage and drive evaporated; he clung to Riku's back and admitted in a very small voice that it had worked. ". . . Yes."

Riku began to swim the rest of the way to shore without complaint. "I think you'll do fine, chicken or not," he decided firmly. "Some chickens learn how to be pretty brave, so maybe you'll be one of those."

"You did it, Sora!" Kairi cheered. "And see? Nothing terrible happened to you. Riku and I were right here the whole time, just in case you needed help. We'll always be here for you, right, Riku?"

"Of course," Riku agreed sagely, smiling. "Somebody has to be around to save him."

The memory calmed him.

That's right. They are with me--they're always with me. I don't have to call for them if I need them; they're already here.

The darkness shrieked in denial, but retreated. His whole body ached and trembled from the residual pain--he could barely stand. He looked over the edge of the balcony into the clouds again, then up at the tower above him.

Kairi . . . Riku . . .

The darkness returned quickly, but took form within him only as a dull throb of loneliness and longing. The desire to be with one or both of his friends was so overwhelming he thought he would die if he did not find them. Riku was closer and easier to get to, but had wanted him to go after Kairi. He unconsciously shied away from the thought of disobeying someone who wielded the darkness and turned to the last remaining option.

He tried to melt into the ground the way that he had seen shadows do before, but it was apparently a learned skill because he failed spectacularly. Sighing heavily, he backed up once more and made another run at the balcony's edge. This time, when he felt the updraft, the need to stop struck him powerfully, but he thought of Kairi and his legs began to operate on auto-pilot. The fall was less frightening than he had expected, probably because he took that time to worry about how he would convince Kairi that he was himself.

The contact with the ground was not hard; he came down at terminal velocity, splattered like a dropped egg, then bounced back up into the air and reformed.

He barely noticed the impact and decided it was a rather handy ability.

He continued his urgent search, eventually finding his way to the Bastion's entrance hall. His hearing was fantastic, he realized belatedly, when the single heartbeat he had been hearing--Kairi's or Riku's, he had assumed distantly--abruptly split into three. Apparently, it was another way that the Heartless found their victims.

Above the heartbeats, Donald said something about taking out any Heartless that showed up and though he knew the duck's magic was nothing to laugh at, facing it was a risk that he would have to take. He scurried down the stairs to keep them from leaving him and stopped in front of Kairi, looking at her in what he hoped was an imploring manner. Donald lunged at him with his mallet and popped him on the head a few times, but he crouched low to the ground and weathered it. He could not fight back or he would be killed for sure.

"Wait, stop!" Kairi pleaded at last. Donald looked around at her in surprise, but backed away. She stepped over to him and picked him up carefully, holding him at arm's length. He kept still and stared back at her, knowing that she knew it was him even though he looked like this. He could not say why, exactly, but he knew and was reassured. She tilted her head and frowned. "I think . . . You . . . Sora?"

He nodded and wiggled--anything to convey an affirmative.

"Oh, Sora . . ."

She drew him in close and rested him on her arm as if he were a pet, but he could hardly have cared less then. He had found her, like Riku had told him to, and she knew who he was. As much as he missed his original body, he was sure he could live with this one as long as someone else knew who he was. Besides, the loneliness and the longing were all but gone; she had chased them away.

A sudden prickling at the back of his mind alerted him to the approach of other Heartless--it was another one of those things that he knew but did not understand. There was also apparently some kind of pack mentality, because he very quickly became aware of their intense hunger and if he knew their feelings then they surely knew his. They had probably felt his contentment and come to either destroy it or take it for themselves.

"Ow, that hurt!" Kairi cried softly, but he was so focused on the Heartless that he barely noticed. She held him away from her again and examined him. ". . . Spines? Are those supposed to be there? They weren't before or I would've gotten stabbed sooner. They look kind of like . . . kind of like a dog's hackles . . ."

"It's the Heartless!" Goofy announced, pointing as the Shadows moved in to form a ring around them. "They caught up to us!"

Kairi pulled him close once again and stroked his head soothingly. She then set him on the floor by her feet and gave him a final pat between his antennae. Smiling at him, she told him gently, "Everything's all right now, Sora. I won't let you get hurt and I won't let them take you away. It's my turn to protect you."

It was a nice sentiment--and one he would have been delighted to hear in almost any other circumstance--but not only did she prefer not to fight, she had no weapon to use even if she did choose to do so. Worse, there were far too many shadows for Goofy and Donald to be able deal with quickly enough to keep them from getting to Kairi. That was why he made the decision to fight anyway. He knew, from fighting shadows before, that they had claws. It was probably just a matter of manipulating his physical form, which he was sure he could figure out easily enough if he had a couple of seconds to---

"Sora!"

Kairi crouched down over him and held him close, preventing him from fighting back. He was desperate to protect her and waved his clawless arms at the advancing Shadows warningly. They packed in around her, slashing at her body gleefully, and their malicious giggles echoed in his mind. He tried even harder to fight back and felt something inside him bubble to life. It gave off a sharp golden light that nearly blinded him, but it was very warm and familiar and resonated pleasantly with his memories.

His heart?

Had he not lost it to return Kairi's to her?

Whatever it was, it was irresistibly intoxicating. He could not keep himself from reaching out to it, though it was sun-bright and burned him. Despite that, when he actually touched it he felt only a pulsing, liquid warmth, not unlike the way the water at Destiny Islands had felt when it came in as waves. He stepped closer to it and embraced it and was overcome by a rush of joy and unity. The light exploded in all directions and when it faded he felt momentarily frightened that it had left him, but then he realized he could feel it even though he could not see it, unlike before. Reassured, he looked into the darkness and realized what was wrong.

His eyes were closed.

He opened them and for a moment was startled--he was still seeing in dimensions. He thought briefly that the light he had found had not changed him physically like he had thought--or if it had it had just not changed him totally--but the dimensions began to fade slowly into simple overlays, which he somehow doubted would ever go away completely. It might find a use in spotting approaching Heartless, though. His senses were also still heightened; not only could he hear Kairi's heartbeat, he could feel it thrumming through her body. He could not hear Donald or Goofy's hearts, but he could hear one he was sure he had not heard before, one that was much softer than Kairi's, as if far away. It was pounding madly, as if the one it belonged to was angry or afraid or both.

Riku?

". . . I have to help," he murmured, exhausted from the ordeal yet ready to go back in for his best friend.

Kairi heard him. "I'm going with you."

He drew back to look at her, then turned to Donald and Goofy. "We have to leave."

"But what about Riku?" Kairi protested.

"I'm sure he'll be fine for now," he told her. "He's trying to buy us some time. If we just run back in there we'll be wasting his effort. I don't want to leave him, but we need to regroup before we try to help him or we'll only get in the way. Let's go!"

They ran the rest of the way out of Hollow Bastion, pausing only long enough to slash the Heartless away to an acceptable distance. Once down in the rising falls, he turned to look up at the labyrinthine citadel and extended his hand toward the topmost tower.

Hold on, Riku. I'm coming back for you.

Reviews much appreciated, thank you.

--RN (LS)