Chapter Three

Life's Biggest Regrets

It was a secret shame, her having to discuss her life with a psychiatrist. It would give her co-workers a perverse pleasure to learn that Dr. Isobel "The Ice Queen" Stevens had to pay someone to to listen to her problems because she had no friends. She usually tried to keep her sessions with Dr. Hennessy short and impersonal. The whole purpose of visiting with him was because, sadly, it gave her a false sense of having at least one friend in this world. For whatever reason, she had let loose today. Spilling all her dark secrets.

"Did you love him?" The forty something man asked. He was of average build, with average brown hair, average blue eyes, and average features. Average was exactly what he was. Nothing inspiring there. Just an average man, who was paid seventy five dollars an hour to be her "friend."

Isobel crosses her legs, smoothing out an imaginary wrinkly in the crisp white trousers. The white suit was a far cry from the black one she had worn a few days before. Her hair was scrapped back in the same fashion, though. "Did I love who?"

Dr. Hennessy looks at her over the rims of his glasses. "Don't play coy. It doesn't suit you." They both knew he was referring to Alex. She had hoped to avoid that subject. She should have known that wouldn't be possible. Either that, or never told him about the funeral in the first place.

"I don't know. We had a rather...complicated...relationship." She frowns, twisting the diamond tennis bracelet on her wrist. There really had been no relationship. Not in the normal sense of the word. Alex and her had never been able to get it right. Something, or someone, always stopped them from being together...

Izzie sits alone in a corner booth of Joe's. Across the bar, she can hear Meredith toasting Alex and Amanda. Amanda. That was her name. Alex's Jane Doe. Over the course of her healing, they had fallen in love. The day she had been released from the hospital was the day Alex had proposed to her. It had been the talk of the hospital. The way Dr. Karev had gotten down on one knee, asking the patient he had tended so faithfully to become his wife. Sadly, it was that same day that Izzie realized she wanted him in her life. Not as just a friend, but something more. She had been so consumed in her self loathing and pity she hadn't even noticed there was a race for Alex's heart until someone else beat her to the finish line...

"I see. What about your other friend. The one whose marriage you ruined?" Another mistake she had made. Telling him about George.

She takes a breath, then lets it out with a sigh. Had she loved George? Now there was something to think on. George had meant the world to her. He was the one person she had known she could count on. She supposed that was love. "Yes. I loved George. Not in a romantic sort of way. It was more..." More what? It hadn't been a sibling love. Siblings didn't have sex in the backseats of little Toyota's. It hadn't been unrequitted or undying. It had just been. "I loved him. He was my friend." A familiar burning starts in her eyes. Damned tears. They seemed to come on whim anymore. Before news of Alex's death, she hadn't cried in seventeen years. "He was my friend, and I loved him. There. Are you happy. You made me cry."

Dr. Hennesy slides a box of tissues across the low table that sat between them. She tugs several out, dabbing at the corners of her eyes. The last thing she wanted was a mess of eye make up. Isobel wasn't the sort of woman to been seen in public looking a mess. "Did you ever tell George that you loved him?"

Isobel shakes her head. "I don't recall." It was a lie. She had told George that she loved him once.

"I love you, doesn't that count for something?' Izzie cries. George's back was to her. It had been two days since the "incident." They had spoken no more than a few words to each other. Until today. When he had told her they were no longer friends.

"I can't do this Izzie! I can't deal with...with you! Don't you get it? I love Callie! I love her! She's my wife. And...I cheated on her. I cheated on my wife. With you." He was repeating their actions outloud in an almost stunned voice. His face was haggard, and there was a striken look in his eyes. "I didn't need you to tell me what a mistake my marriage was. I needed you to be my friend." He starts toward the locker room door.

"I am your friend!" She sobs, hurrying to block the door. Her body leans against it, tears streaming down her face. "We made a mistake. We can get past it!"

George shakes his head. "No. No we can't. I told Callie. I had to. Do you know what she did? She laughed. Said you got your way. You succeeded in breaking us up." His voice catches. "I love her, Izzie! I love her the way you loved Denny. Why couldn't you just be happy for me? I was happy for you. I hated Denny. I hated the person he was turning you into. I didn't say anything, because you were my friend and I wanted you to be happy." None to gently, he moves her aside, yanking the locker room door open.

Sobbing, Izzie slides to the floor, burying her face in her upraised knees. When a hand is laid on her shoulder, she experiences a moment of relief. George had come back. He had changed his mind. They could still be friends. They could get passed what they had done. When she raises her head, though, it was Alex crouched next to her...

"Don't lie. I see through lies. It's my job." Dr. Hennessy stares at her. She wondered what he saw. Did he see the woman she projected? The saavy plastic surgeon who was spoken of in the highest medical circles. Or did he see the broken, lonely woman she had buried deep inside? Most likely he seen them both. The quick glance at his watch told her their time was almost up. Her paid for friendship would soon be coming to an end. Until this time next week. Maybe she should up her time to twice a week. She needed the extra false sense of security right now.

He takes a note pad out. "I'm going to give you an assignment. I expect it to be completed by our next session." He writes something on the paper, the tears the sheet of the pad, before handing it to her. "And Isobel, don't tell me you don't have any. We all have them."

Isobel frowns, confused by his statement. She looks down at the paper in front of her. 'What are you biggest regrets in life?' She frowns. "Are you serious?"

"Quite serious. If we're ever going to get anywhere, you have to face your regrets. Accept them." He reaches into a drawer, pulling out a slim journal. "I want you write what your regrets are in here. I also want you to explain why you have that regret and, if you could change it, how would you change it."

The journal is pressed into her hands. The moment her fingers touch the smooth brown leather binding, they start to tingle. For a moment, she had the oddest sensation that the book would change her life, which was ridiculous. It was just a book. One that would soon be filled with regrets.