Disclaimer: Don't own Evangelion, simply borrowing the characters.

Closure

Chapter 2: Letter

The only sound echoing inside the room was the pattering of the sleet outside, hitting against the top of the building. It was a fluent sound, never ceasing and always constant. The cold outside wasn't intense enough to create snow, though it was enough to create the sleet. I sat firmly in my armchair, my index fingers moving back and forth against the fabric of the armrests. Touji and Hikari were sitting on the couch. Both were holding the same expression.

"I don't want to see her." I stated firmly, my glare at the wall.

"I don't blame you." Touji responded, a sigh escaping from Hikari.

"What else did the letter say?" I inquired.

"She apologized to me… for leaving so abruptly. She sounded so sorry…"

"Five years…" I interrupted.

"I know. We all have lives now. She said she has one too now."

"I'm aware of it." I say with a sad smile on my face.

"You still checked up on her?" Touji asked, looking at me in disbelief.

"You know me, too damn kind-hearted for my own good."

"You still won't see her?" Hikari asked.

"And do what? How do I face someone who ridiculed me for running away all the time? At least I had it in me to return. She didn't. She left just like that. If Misato was still…," I bit my tongue and dug my left hand into my hair. I sat there for a brief second, ultimately calming my nerves enough to continue.

"You expect me to just up and welcome her?" I finished.

I saw the look on Touji's face, he agreed with me. Hikari had a similar look but she was Asuka's best friend. Well best friend when we were younger.

"Time won't fix this; I'm standing by my decision." I said as I got up and went to the fridge. I pulled out an old bottle of whiskey. I waved the bottle to the both of them. Touji nodded, Hikari made a face and gestured she didn't want it. I poured some into two glasses and took some ice out from the freezer. I walked back in and handed one glass to Touji.

"I know you feel betrayed, but you have to consider what might have been going through her mind…"

"Oh, I did," I took a sip from the glass, cringed internally as the liquid sent down a burning sensation down my throat, "I thought about how selfish she was. I thought about how everything might have looked from her perspective. Though there is one key thing that I know."

I chugged the rest of the glass down.

"I stayed, she didn't."

I slammed the glass onto the table. Hikari jumped while Touji hid his frown behind the glass. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

What was going to happen after the aftermath of the Evangelion Project? Were the pilots responsible for everything? That's how it started; we were shunned by the people for the first year. I couldn't begin to count the amount of glares I got from people while walking down the streets during those times. I took the bulk of it. I made sure that Touji's name was never released. Asuka was in Germany, so she never went through the trials like I did. Actual UN courts were set up to find out who should take the blame for everything. There in front of the mass media and the entire global court committee stood a child who was forced to fight monsters as a way of saving the world. The world was looking for a scapegoat. They had their sights on me. Until my father was crossed examined and took the blame for everything. I was sitting in the chair when I heard the words.

"I am responsible for everything."

I looked up, and saw my father. For the first time in my life, I saw him as a human being. Not as this unreachable being standing on a soapbox but rather a person with one of his arms missing and covered in bandages. His eyes held a look of failure, his face of old age. The court went in an uproar. The lawyer from the other side asked him if he knew what he was saying.

"I found Adam, my purpose was to selfishly bring back my wife from the dead. From there I created clones of her through mixing both our genetic materials," he folded his hands in front of his face and leaned his body in, "I do not regret anything that I have done in my search to bring my wife back. However, that child there had no part in this. He was simply doing his father's will."

I stared at him in complete disbelief. I couldn't believe it. He took the full blame; the judge had to dismiss all charges on me and immediately went to prosecuting my father.

"Father!" I screamed out, just as I was being escorted out by the guards.

My father looked up at me and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

I still don't know who said it first, me or him. It was the first time that Gendo Ikari had done something fatherly. The day after, my father was imprisoned. The charges weren't expressed to the public but the people got their scapegoat. People don't realize that when things this big goes wrong, someone always has to take the fall for it. It can't be simply blamed by multiple organizations. No, it's better when its one person. That way people can all concentrate their hate on that one person. Gendo Ikari was put into the history books as being the person that had almost wiped out humanity for his selfish hunt for his wife's soul. It's funny though, I was then put in the books for saving it. The existence of Angels was never interpreted. Instead they were labeled as my fathers failed attempts of reuniting with his wife. I was dubbed the clean up crew, the person in charge of cleaning up failed experiments. After the trial, it was then that the independent branch of Nerv was established. I was told to follow my father's story. It was best that way. There were still many secrets withheld from the public, still many dark corridors that would never see that light of day.

When I returned I was warmly welcomed by my friends. That was around the first day that I finally understood that I started hating Asuka and stopped hating my father.

"I understand you went through a lot. We all did." Hikari said as she cupped her hand over her husbands.

"I don't agree with all this, Shinji. But maybe it's best for you that you see the red headed demon." Touji responded, wincing slightly as his wife pinched his hand.

"If she's starting to feel guilty five years later, that's her problem." I replied bitterly.

"How would you even know how she feels? You haven't even opened her letter yet."

I glared at Hikari.

"You know this is depressing. I'll tell you what? How about we go to the bar? Kensuke will be back tonight from his overseas trip and I'm sure that he'd be happy to see you." Touji began as he put his glass down and stood up. He defused the situation before it escalated. He knew me too well.

"But, Touji…" Hikari began only to be interrupted by her husband putting his hand on top of her head.

"Now, now… we can talk about this later. Right now, I know tempers will start to flare and people will say things they will regret. We will all give thoughts on this together, later tonight. Okay?"

I nodded as Hikari grabbed her husband's wrists and lifted herself off the couch.

"Alright," she responded as she walked to door.

"Hikari is looking forward to seeing Asuka again. She's just the type of person to go up and forgive someone. Probably could get away with murder with her."

I laugh as I walk with Touji to the door. He's an honest saint.

"Thanks for the drink, man. Don't worry I'm on your side. I feel something fishy with the demon just up and trying to make contact with us after so many years."

"Even the devil has a conscience, I guess." I responded. Touji slaps me on the shoulder with his cybernetic limb and walks out the door. Hikari gives me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, forgetting about everything earlier.

"You better show up tonight. Don't be a stranger." I nod and watch as the two walk down the hall. I close the door and lean back against the door. I saw the letter sitting on my drawer, now mocking me.

It was a dark, damp bar somewhere in a lost alley way of the city. A lot of people didn't know of its existence. It wasn't particular trendy. A regular bar, almost an Irish pub looking place decorated with various Japanese ornaments. The bar counter was placed on the side of the building. Behind it, rows upon rows of different and various liquors and alcohol. How it managed to stay running for so long is beyond me.

In this little bar was where I had my first encounters with alcohol, which later became one of my vices. My second being cigarettes. I flicked the ash off the one that was sitting in between my index and middle finger into to the tray on the counter.

"Are you ready to place an order, Shinji?"

The bartender was a kind old man. Hair completely grayed out, wrinkles under his eyes and around his face, features of a mix between Japanese and Northern European. His eyes still held a luster of life that I probably couldn't begin to comprehend. He was the proprietor of the establishment. He's been here since I found this place several years ago, the place that became the hang out for my group of friends.

"Not yet, just waiting for the others." I said, taking a drag of the cigarette.

"Haven't seen you around lately. I've seen the others here, either talking about you or talking about themselves."

"Anything bad about me?" I ask with a smile.

"No, not too bad," he laughs as I hear the door open behind me. I turn my head and see the flash of business suit walk into the room.

Kensuke grew out of his stage of adolescent paranoia. Now he was living his fantasies as an adult. He worked for Nerv, like me, only in a different department. This department was fluent in intelligence gathering, diplomacy, foreign affairs, and advance weaponry prototyping. It was his dream job. He grew taller, more built, always sports a suit, and dark glasses. His idea of what an intelligence worker should wear.

"Shinji! Long time, man!"

I stand and shake his hand. He immediately sits on the stool next to me. He waves two fingers in the air at the bartender and orders himself a beer. The bartender brings one out and places it in front of him. He looks at my direction and I nod my head, soon one sits in front of me.

"Where have you been? We all thought you completely converted into a hermit." Kensuke said after he took a long sip from the bottle.

"Work, you know." I say with the bottle close to my lips, I take a sip and place it down on the counter.

"Knowing you, I could believe that. Knowing you as well as I do, you probably spent the whole time sitting around and thinking."

"Busted." I say as I raise the bottle in the air. He lifts his and both our bottles hit each other simultaneously. A low clank sound echoes through the room. The door opens again. This time a blur attaches itself behind Kensuke.

"Kensuke! I missed you!"

"Grow up, Touji…" Hikari said from behind, walking to the spectacle of her husband's arms wrapped around behind a confused looking Kensuke.

Touji released his friend and patted him on the shoulder as he took the seat next to him. Kensuke extended his hand to Touji, who eagerly grabbed it with his cybernetic hand, both shaking hands erratically as Hikari sat by her husband.

"How was the business trip?" Touji asked as he let go Kensuke's hand. He motioned the bartender to bring him a drink.

"A bit boring, the intelligence convention was a joke. It was a political pissing contest."

"I can imagine." I say as I light up another cigarette.

"How many have you had already?" I hear Hikari ask. I could hear the disapproving tone in her voice.

I put my hand over the ashtray and move it to the side.

"Two." I give her a brilliant smile as she looks completely apathetic to it.

"Still can't believe you took up smoking. It's so not you." Kensuke said with a smile on his face.

"Would you enjoy it better if I did something else?"

"Gambling," Touji interjected.

Kensuke sputtered, "I'll have you know, I don't do that anymore."

"Wanna bet?" I say; a cheesy grin on my face.

Kensuke punches my shoulder as the other two start laughing. This is how it was on nights like these. We would all sit on the stools, next to the counter. Drinking up and reminiscing on old times. I missed this, being in the company of friends.

"So I heard Asuka wrote to you." Kensuke asked; question targeted at Hikari.

"Yeah, I got the letter here, if you want to read it." Kensuke made a grabbing motion with hand as Hikari took the paper out from her purse and passed it to him. My curiosity was close to getting the better of me. I almost leaned in and looked. I stopped myself however, a familiar sensation of anger building up in me.

"Huh, so demons do have consciences." He said while reading the letter.

"You do know the only reason you're reading that is because she wanted you guys to read it." Hikari said.

"I guess we should throw a parade that she remembers us."

I smile. I've missed Kensuke's fast wit.

"You guys aren't going to give her a break are you?" Hikari asked sadly.

"Just because the girl got a relapse at some point during these years doesn't mean she wasn't less of a… a…" Touji tried to muster something to say that would define what Asuka was to them.

"Bitch." Kensuke bluntly said, eyes still glued to the paper.

Hikari rolled her eyes and threw a napkin at a smiling Kensuke. His attention was still on the letter.

"So what does it say?" Touji asked.

"'Hey Hikari, this is Asuka. I hope you remember me. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that I left so long ago without saying anything. She grovels for a few sentences, putting blame on Nerv, the Evangelions…'"

"Me." I interrupt.

"Actually she blames your father though."

"No surprise there." I say as I take a drag.

"'I've been living here in Germany for five years, for five years I've felt so much guilt on the fact that I left you and the others. I only came to the realization that you guys were my friends… even Wondergirl.'"

"Well I feel honored," Touji said putting the bottle to his lips, "first time she's ever complemented me."

I roll my eyes.

"'If you can, can you show these guys this letter? I want them to see this. I want them to maybe think of me as less of a…' damn now I feel guilty." Kensuke expressed as he grabbed the cigarette from my mouth and taking a drag from it.

"Karma, Mr. Aida." Hikari said with a smile on her face.

"Like you knew she was going to admit she was socially inept." Touji said, defending his friend.

"Big word," I say as I went into my pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes.

"I read." Touji said offended.

I lit up another one, motioning to Kensuke to keep the one he took when he tried to give it back to me.

"'I hope they understand. I really do. I was going to stop by to Japan to see you. I was hoping to see the others too…' Hikari, how did she find out where you live?" Kensuke asked looking perplexed.

"She probably had access to the Nerv branch in Germany."

Kensuke looked at me funny.

"What doesn't Nerv have?"

I shrugged, "A policy on privacy issues?"

Kensuke rolled his eyes; he knew I was taking a jab at his department. He continued reading.

"'I'm going to there around the month of May; probably around the 20th…' huh that's a month away. 'I hope to see you, if the others don't want to see me then I understand.' Man, you sure this is Asuka? She sounds like a 16 year old Shinji."

I glare at him, "I'm sorry." The monotone tone echoed through my voice. The couple smile wickedly at me.

"Just stating fact… oh look at this. 'How is Shinji doing? I know he must hate me. I don't even know if he still lives in that area.' It looks like the German branch's database isn't up to speed."

"Well at least when Nerv said that my information would be classified, they weren't kidding." I say as I flick ash into the tray.

"Score one for intelligence," Kensuke regained his department's honor, "'If you keep in contact with him, can you just tell him that I want to see him. I know he probably doesn't want to see me. I know it. But can you just do that for me. Look at me, here I am being sorry and I'm still acting pushy.'"

"She wants to see you, Shinji." Hikari was looking straight through me. Those damn pleading eyes.

"Gotta admit, it seems that way." Touji said.

"You could always surprise her with the way you look. Long hair, stubble, poor disposition; I mean you would really freak her out." Kensuke said as he gave the letter back to Hikari.

"So you're willing to meet with her?" I asked; my skepticism still present.

"Granted that she remembers me, sure I would like to see her. I mean think, man, five years. She could be as big as a house."

Touji started howling with laughter; Hikari nearly shrieked as she got off the stool and started pummeling Kensuke with her fists. He still kept that smirk on his face as he was getting beaten up by his friend's fiancé. I couldn't help but laugh. Kensuke was a man of words

It was around two in the morning when I finally got out of the bar. I turned around and waved to the three walking away from me. I saw all of them wave back. I started walking in the opposite direction.

The night had been filled with a lot of reminiscing and a lot of debating. Everyone agreed to see Asuka on the date she'll come here. I however wasn't one that agreed. Instead I stayed silent most of the time. The occasional poking from Hikari brought me back from my internal monologues to listen what the group was going to do. I didn't want to see her, yet everyone else wanted to meet her. I guess it was curiosity. I know it was on part with Kensuke and Touji, Hikari wanted to see her because she was her best friend… was her best friend. Hikari said she would write back to her. I asked her not to include me in the letter. I knew the look she gave me. It wasn't so much as disappointment then it was just plain sadness. She knew Asuka was taboo to me. I knew it too, that's why I stayed away in anything that dealt with her. That's how it's been for these years. Every time I would see a red head on the street I would look away. Every time my eyes would pass by her name in one of the old service records at work, I would look away. I grew my hair out and changed my appearance. I did this so I wouldn't have to be reminded of the past that I distained.

Tonight, home seems so far away. It might be due to the fact that I'm slightly drunk, or that my mind is weighted so heavily. It seems like I've been walking for hours. I could see my building up ahead, never getting closer. I might have had too much to drink tonight. I close my eyes, lift my hand up and rub my eyes with my fingers. I could feel the burning sensation in them. The sensation you get from lack of sleep. I knew I was going to sleep dreamless tonight. For which I was grateful. Knowing how this day went, I would probably dream of her again, dream of the past, dream of the units and the Angels, dream about a childhood that I wish I could forget.

I scrambled into the room. The keys in my hand flew onto the ground, the door behind shut violently. I steadied myself against the fall and breathed hard. My throat was dry, I swayed over to the sink and put my head under the faucet. I turned on the water and let as much of it as it can into my mouth. I took three huge gulps then turned the water off. I moved back, braced myself against the small table in the middle of the small kitchen. I did have too much to drink. I don't know how it happened. I made sure that I wouldn't have too much tonight. Instead I went overboard. Judging by how the room was spinning and everything fading in and out, I knew that I would have a hell of a hangover in the morning. I put my head under the faucet again and drank as much water as I can. I had to make sure that I was hydrated. That way it would help with the headache in the morning. I stumbled into my armchair. I laughed, my legs now moving on their own. I sat up and took off my jacket. I threw it into the corner. Using my feet, I pulled off my shoes then took off my socks. I looked at my bed, my head involuntarily moved toward the drawer. My anger flared up as I stared at the envelope. I got up, too quickly since I stumbled forward. My hands flew forward against the wall to keep myself balanced. I pushed myself off and walked up to the thing that was mocking me. It was mocking me with her voice, that condescending, know-it-all, snobbish voice. I grabbed the envelope violently. I could see everything with a conscience eye, yet my body was beyond my control. Thoughts of ripping it up, throwing it in the trash, and burning the trash came to mind. I didn't want her damn pity. I didn't want her. I didn't want her. I didn't want her. I didn't want to care about her. I didn't want to care. My hands positioned themselves to tear the letter in half. I was going to do it. Then I felt my left hand grip the letter. My right index finger picked at the seal on the envelope. When I found an opening I stuck my finger in and dragged it across. I hear the residual sound of paper tearing in the quiet apartment. I opened the letter. I took the letter out and threw the envelope.

It was thick, five to six pages. I unfolded it and closed my eyes. I didn't know if I was capable of reading whatever she put on there. I didn't know if I could full comprehend. Hell I don't even know if I would remember doing this. I opened my eyes and stared at the opened paper. I could see the two creases from the folds on the front. I was staring at a blank paper. I tried squinting, thinking that I probably wasn't in any state to read anything. However after awhile, I seemed to be sobering up quickly. The realization came when I sat down on my arm chair again. I was looking at a blank paper. I must have had a confused look on my face. I flipped the first page over. It was blank on that side too. I let it drop to the floor. I looked at the second page. Same thing, it was blank. It only thing present was the creases. I could feel my head become clearer; my mind was too focused in trying to figure out what I was looking at. I flipped the next 3 pages, all were blank. Nothing was written on them. There wasn't any sign of erasing, no sign that she even put anything on there. Two pages left, most likely blank too. It was probably some joke from her, a sick joke. I threw down the page and finally the final page was gripped in my hands. I looked at it and I immediately dropped it on the floor. I stared at the page as it silently danced to the floor. My eyes wide, the page landed on the right side. The side she actually wrote something on. I heard myself speak the words into the silent room, marveling at my tone of disbelief.

"I'm sorry."

To be continued…

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