Disclaimer: Don't own Evangelion, just using the characters.

Closure

Chapter 3: Past

"Shinji, what are you doing?"

I looked up from my cello to the eyes of my roommate. Her face held a curious glance at my hands. I looked down at the string I held.

"I'm replacing a worn string."

"I still find it unbelievable that you play this thing." She said still looking at my hands

I released the tension of the old string. I could hear a sigh escape the red head as my attention was diverted from her.

"So… how was your day?"

I looked up to make sure that this was the same person. Same red hair, same blue eyes, some body but it seemed like a lapse in personality. She raised an eyebrow at my confused look.

"I… well it was good?"

"That's it?"

"Pretty much…"

My attention went back to the string. I picked the new string that hung from my shoulder and attempted to put it on.

"So how often do you do that?"

"I usually do it every month or two."

I was confused at the interest she took in me. I wasn't used to it.

"Is it hard to play?"

"You have to practice a lot." I began to apply tension to the new string through the adjustor.

There was a peak of silence. I thought she had left the room bored with what I was doing. I finally adjusted the string and plucked it a few times to find the right tune. I looked up and to my surprise she was sitting in a chair and just watching me. I looked away. I was never used to attention, much less from her. But I couldn't help but see something in her eyes that I didn't notice before.

I looked up from a magazine I was reading. The door slammed, I craned my neck to see who it was. Several seconds later a flash of red hair flew into the kitchen. I sighed and prepared myself for the coming rant.

"I can't believe he tried to make a move on me!" she screamed from the kitchen.

I had almost wished Misato was home so she could listen to it. I knew it was bad to throw your guardian into the fire, but this was a fire I didn't feel like putting out.

"Shinji… jeez why am I asking you? You're not a man." She huffed out.

I frowned from behind the magazine. I should have come out with a retort or at least said something to defend myself, but I knew that would provoke her. Just let her run her course.

"This guy had the nerve to touch me. Good thing I clobbered him a good one that taught him some manners."

Manners, key word right there.

"Where's the phone, I have to tell Hikari about this."

I hold out the phone with my free time while looking at the magazine. She grabbed it from my hand and ran into her room. I heard the slam of the door and sighed

"What do you look for in a woman?"

I change my view from the television to her with an exasperated expression. I prayed this wasn't going to be like the kissing incident.

"Since when do you care?"

"I'm bored and curious."

"Well, I don't know what I want. I don't care really. As long as she's nice I guess."

"That's so you."

I stared at her with an un-amused expression. I looked back at the television.

"Aren't you going to ask me what kind of guy I like?"

Here it comes.

"What kind of guy do you like?" I ask monotone.

"Well, I want a guy like Mr. Kaji. I want someone to have long hair, maybe shaved or not, nice body, and his charismatic personality. That would be my ideal guy."

"Good for you."

"You know someone who isn't whiny, weepy, and a little…"

I didn't bother listening to rest as I got up and went into my room

I walked into the apartment to hear the sounds of someone sobbing. I slowly closed the door behind me and took off my shoes. I stared at the school bag and clothing thrown on the ground.

I could almost feel the hair behind my neck stand. I knew this was going to be bad. I picked up the clothing and put them on the couch in the living room. I went back out and threw the bag on the couch along with mine. I went straight into the kitchen.

I hated hearing people cry. I've done enough of it to get sick of it. I opened the fridge and took out a can of soda. I closed it and met glances with a mess of red hair. She was wearing her sleeping clothes. Her face was hidden behind her hair. I couldn't see what expression she held on her face. I tried not to look like a scared deer in headlights.

"I thought you were Misato." She spoke. She immediately took a seat and put her head on the kitchen table.

I had hoped that I can come home and just relax. Instead I came home to this. I was almost in the clear when she spoke.

"Do you think I'm a horrible person?"

I stood in the doorway with the can of soda. I was frozen. This was the first time she had asked me about my thoughts on her.

"No…" I say as I bolted to my room and closed the door.

I jump in the armchair, a loud roar came from outside. I look around and realize that I was in my apartment. I reach out to touch my hair and see that it was long. I feel my chin and feel the bristled hair. I let out a large sigh as I get up and look outside. It's still light out there. It looks like its late in the afternoon. I see a small construction team working on a building next to me. It explained the noise. I stretch my arms up and let out a thunderous yawn. I'll probably never fall asleep in that thing again.

I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My long hair was raggedly looking and my eyes look tired. I turn on the faucet and splash water on my face. I couldn't believe that I started dreaming about her again. I didn't need it right now. My hand ran down my face, brushing off the excess water. I take the band that lay on the counter and tie my hair back into a ponytail. I laugh at myself.

"I look just like Kaji… "

I liked my long hair and unshaven look. I always looked like his look. Though now I think about it, I wonder if I just did it so I could be within her league.

I need to get out of the apartment

The night was clear; the air was crisp with cold. The moon was big and bright tonight. I could see the smoke from my cigarette slowly dance around in front of me. I was walking down an empty street in the middle of the night. The whole city radiated with a silence that was deafening to the ears. No one was out tonight because of the temperature. Right now, I couldn't even feel it. I couldn't feel much of anything. I can't feel the smoke entering my lungs and exhaling from my nose. I couldn't feel the wind blowing against my face. I just couldn't feel.

I was so happy to find a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of the jacket I took. I was even happier that I had a lighter in the other. For the last twenty minutes, I went through half the pack. My mind was racing through thoughts, thoughts that I had long since buried years ago. My greatest enemy tonight was myself. I try hard to suppress it, but it came rushing in like a flood. These memories streaming in one after another, now I start to dream about her again. It was exhausting and annoying to find that she had this big effect on me. After all these years of abandonment, I couldn't marvel the thought that she still acknowledged my existence. What's worse is that she had such a profound effect on my life without being here.

I stopped at a four way intersection and to my surprise I know exactly where I was going. I let my legs walk automatically to the location. It looks like my past is calling tonight. I pass a familiar tree and a small corner store. I start to head toward a road the led up a hill. I pass by a shrine and walk into a plot of land with various stone figures. I turn around and took in the awe of the city. It's hard not to marvel at the various lights and the size of the buildings. I turn back and continue to a smaller stone figure. A stone cross with a name inscribed in the center. I stood in front of the stone, my eyes focus on the name. I lift my hand and take out the band that holds my hair back, it falls to my shoulders. I move a few strands making sure they didn't get burned. I move the cigarette I have in my mouth to the corner and exhale, the smoke dances and fades into nothingness.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit for awhile," I spoke out loud, slightly muffled due to trying to keep the filter in place, "I know I promised to come here at least once a month, but things came up."

I almost roll my eyes imagining the reaction she would have given.

"I've been working hard at Nerv. I'm also trying to be social; I remember how you tried to push me to be more out there. But you know as well as I do that it's hard. I guess I should tell you that she sent me a letter. I'm guessing you know about it. I know it took me forever to open it, but I just didn't want to hear her sob story."

I pick the cigarette out of my mouth and flick the ash away from the stone figure. I put it back in my mouth. I can imagine the shocked look on her face at the fact that I'm smoking. I put my hands in my pocket; the cold was slightly creeping up on me. I look down at stone figure. No, I look down at the tombstone with the name Misato Katsuragi. She's been gone ever since Nerv was infiltrated.

"Misato, what am I supposed to do? I know you would be angry with her at the fact she left. What about me though? I didn't turn out any better. Hell, I can't even come out here and visit you because I still don't want to believe you're gone."

I slowly sit down on the cold ground facing the tombstone.

"I almost feel bad that I didn't bring any alcohol so we could share. I'm sure you would have set up some party when I turned age. Probably would have been a good drinking buddy."

I can imagine her laughing and saying "you can't out drink me". I sit there in silence, listening to the wind blowing against the trees.

"It would be nice if someone told me what I was supposed to do. Do I forgive her? Should I even see her? I mean it's not like there isn't bad blood against us. Just because she spent years back home thinking about it doesn't mean anything will come of it. I mean I stayed here. I did the right thing didn't I? She decides to come back and I'm supposed to be happy? I can't be happy. I can't help but feel pissed off at the whole situation. Hikari thinks it's wonderful that she's coming back. Of course, she does. She never has any ill thoughts about anyone. Look at me, I held a grudge for five years now. Every time I hear her name I feel offended. Every time I look at a red head I can't help but see her. I even started to dream about her. I had to dream about completely random moments with her in it. How can I still be angry with her when I think I'm still harboring the same feelings I had in the past? That's all I need, like I wasn't messed up enough..."

I stare at the tombstone, almost waiting for it to answer me. All I could hear was the wind softly howling in the dark night.

"She had to send me a letter with only two words in it. Of course it has to be the words that I used constantly. I can't help but think she's almost making fun of me. I'm sure she's laughing it up back in Germany. She probably got married to some pretty boy and lives up in the mountains. She then decides to come back here as a self esteem boost."

I could imagine Misato sitting back in our old kitchen with a beer next to her. I could see the concentration on her face as she tried to choose her words wisely.

"I'm the one that got screwed over!" I yell into the night, my hands turning into fists in the grass, "She left without a word or thought of anyone else but herself! I went through my hardships, I always threatened to runaway from them. Sure I did but I always came back! She didn't, she went into seclusion while I was subjected to the aftermath! Why the hell should I forgive her?! Why the hell should I care?!"

I was breathing hard, my throat dry from the yelling and the cold. I put my hands on my head and tried to compose my rage.

"I'm sorry, Misato, here I am running to you after not even taking the consideration to visit you in such a long time. I… wish you were still here. You were the closest thing I had to mother that I can remember…"

I could feel my eyes begin to water. I blame it on the cold wind. I get up and pat my hands against my jeans.

"Thanks for listening, the next time I come around I promise to bring some flowers."

At the mention, I notice a bouquet of flowers sitting on the side. It looked like they've been there for awhile. The flowers were dry and falling off the stems. It must have been Touji or Kensuke who came to pay their respects. I suddenly felt bad about not bringing anything I began to walk away but not without seeing an image of Misato waving in my mind.

I walk farther away from the city, along what was now a dirt road. I had forgotten just how rural it was around the city. I could see nothing but fields and trees around me in the moonlight. I still see the city slightly from behind me. I didn't exactly know where I was going. I knew that I was here before, but looking around in the dark didn't help. I then noticed an old looking bus stop ahead of me. I realized that this was the spot I went to when I first ran away. Jesus, I am just living up the past tonight. I went inside and sat down. I was curious to know if the bus still ran out here. I could remember sitting here as a youth and going through the same ordeal. I almost laugh at myself. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so predictable. What kind of person am I? I'm a person that knows what's wrong with him and still doesn't do anything to change it. I'm a walking glutton for self-punishment.

I realized that there is a large lake somewhere around here. I figure why not try to find it, at least it'll waste enough time for the bus to start operating again in the morning

Not too far from the bus stop I stood in front of the small shore that leads into a large lake surrounded by trees. There was ice forming along the edges, with some holes here and there. I stand on the shore and just marveled at how the lake looked encrusted in ice. There was a small fog present on top that made it look like a surreal landscape.

I don't know how long I've been standing here. With every passing minute I get thought after thought questioning what I've done with my life. I wonder what I would of been like if I was like the man I am now in the past. Would she of run away if I was different? What if I was never a pilot, would everyone have suffered as much as they did? I knew this type of thinking would do nothing. I knew that I couldn't change the past, no matter how hung up I am on it. I know I changed over the years. I know that I'm a better person, but what about the sins of my past?

My hands reach into my jeans pocket and take out the cross the priest gave to me. I didn't put it back on since the day I got it. I didn't know if I should have taken this from the elderly priest. I unclasp it and put it around my neck. I realize that I need to search for forgiveness before I can give it out. I guess this could be a way of doing it. I felt bad, I wasn't really a religious man. I didn't believe much in chance or fate. A strange thing to say after going through what I did. I guess it was a matter of keeping an open mind. I tuck the cross into my jacket and zip it up to the neck. I turn around but not before giving the lake another glance. I need to remember to bring a camera and take a picture of this place

I notice the sky becoming brighter with every passing minute. The stop was getting closer. To my relief, there was someone there waiting for the bus. Well at least it answered my question about the bus running out here. I walked in and sat down next the person. The person was wearing a hooded winter coat. It looks like a girl due to her stature. She's probably a small petite woman.

"Hello…" she spoke out.

"Hello, does the bus run out here?" I ask

"Yes… it's usually here a little after sun rise."

I sit back, my legs have been begging for me to take a rest. I was glad I didn't have to walk all the way back. Riding in a warm bus would be a good change of pace against this cold. I look around then peer at the girl next to me. Her face is hidden by the hood so I can't get a good look at her. I know that I'm taller then her, then again I'm taller then a lot of people. It just seemed strange that a girl would be out here in the middle of nowhere.

"So… what are you doing all the way out here? If you don't mind me asking…"

"Thinking…."

"I see… I came here to do the same."

"Is that so? What were you thinking about?"

"It just seems that my past is catching up, you know?"

She turns and faces me. Her hands lift up to pull back her hood. I see long strands of blue hair fall on her shoulders. Two red eyes focused on my shocked face.

"I know what you mean…"

To be continued…

Thank you for the patience. It's been busy around here. Here's the new chapter.

Reviews are welcome.