Chapter Two
Jayne woke with the fleeting notion that he'd had a dream about dinosaurs and dead pilots in dresses. He shook his head, rubbed his eyes, and it was gone. He took his sweet time getting ready, for he knew that Mal didn't have any hard labor planned for him today. No, it was going to be a normal day in the black, another two days to Greenleaf and the drop-off. Yes, a normal day in the black.
As he stepped into the galley, he knew instantly that this was not going to be a normal day. River was technically the only other person in the galley when he arrived, but it was the cheery, waving specter sitting at the head of the table that caught his eye.
Jayne jumped back, the memories of last night striking him as a hammer might strike an anvil, and growled out, "Oh, go se!"
River looked up from the kitchen placidly, her eyes hooded and tired in the early morning. "Don't have to curse; leaving in twenty-seven seconds."
Jayne, bewildered, looked to the girl. "What?"
She pouted at her teacup, then lifted it from the counter, took a spoon for herself, and gracefully stepped past Jayne to head for the bridge. Jayne rubbed his eyes again and looked back to Wash, who was looking out after River. After a moment, he turned back to Jayne.
"So she's the pilot now?" There was an unspoken melancholy in his voice that Jayne almost didn't pick up on.
"Yeah," he responded in a defeated tone. He pulled out a chair, plopped down into it and stared at Wash. "Guess I wasn't dreamin' then?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry about... y'know... this," Wash gestured vaguely to himself. He sighed, but then pulled a smile out of nowhere, just as he'd been known to do in life. "I thought this whole thing over--"
"Oh no..." Jayne hid his face in his hands just as a curious-looking Kaylee poked her head into the galley.
"Jayne, were you talkin' t' River?" she asked as she strolled in with messy bed-head.
"--and the way I remember, we have to help each other out and fix all sorts of wacky problems together before I get to pass on." Wash looked up as Kaylee entered, waved, but then looked very put-out upon remembering that Jayne was the only one who could see him. "Y'know, I really wish I was haunting someone else."
"That makes two of us," Jayne grumbled. Kaylee looked up, screwing one eyebrow down.
"What?"
"Nothin'," Jayne clarified, glaring at Wash. "Talkin' t' myself."
"Oh-kaaay," Kaylee mumbled in response, making her own breakfast tea. "Me 'n River was gonna have tea on the bridge." She paused, just ever-so-slightly, enough to let her lip curl up in a smirk. "You wanna come?"
It took only a moment for Jayne to look terribly offended, and he crossed his arms. "Hell no. Why the hell would I wanna sit with two yu ben de girls talkin' my ear off 'bout stuff I don't give one good gorram about?" He wasn't looking at her when she said it, and she shrank slightly in defeat, but the defeat was not her own. Wash's eyebrow climbed up his forehead in interest.
"All right," she shrugged, stirring her tea and heading up to the bridge. When she was gone, Wash leaned in toward Jayne in confidentiality, despite the fact he was a ghost.
"What was that all about?" He'd obviously been gone from the ship too long, and was out of the loop on all the best gossip.
Jayne shrugged noncommittally. "Past month or so Kaylee's been up in the cockpit with that feng le little pilot. Keeps sayin' I gotta come up there with 'em, who the hell knows why. Shit... if she 'n the Doc weren't gettin' hitched I'd think she was comin' on t' me."
Wash nodded absently in thought, then performed a tremendous double-take that might have severely injured a living man. "Wait, what?! Kaylee and Simon... engaged?"
"Oh, yeah," Jayne responded as he stood up to make himself some tasteless breakfast. "'Bout a month after that Miranda stuff, Doc up 'n proposed, right where you're sittin'."
"Wow," Wash muttered, looking severely depressed. He shook his head, and the normal, affable Wash-look reappeared on his ghostly features. "When's the date?"
"Whenever we haul our asses up t' Greenleaf. That's where her folks are." Jayne reached into the pantry and pulled out the dry protein-oatmeal mix. He sneered slightly. "You weren't invited."
Wash looked put-out again, crossed his arms and stood. "You're not really helping with the 'I'm dead and it really, really sucks' situation."
"Well, hell," Jayne growled as he fumbled with the silverware, "what am I s'posed t' do? Get on my knees 'n pray fer you? 'Cause you got the wrong man for that." He grew quiet, mixing the slop in lukewarm water on the stove.
Wash leaned on the partition between kitchen and dining area, looking as gregarious as possible. "Oh, c'mon, you heard the stories. Big sturdy fellow like you has heard his fair share of campfire stories, right?"
"What you tryin' t' say?" Jayne accused, glaring at the non-entity before him.
"That there's got to be some reason I was paired up with you, Jayne. Something you and I could do that any other one of the crew couldn't." He paused, tapping his chin with one finger in thought. "You think we have to wrestle bears?"
Jayne actually gave a single, short laugh, then stopped himself. He scooped the oatmeal into a bowl and moved back to the table just in time for Mal to stumble sleepily in.
"Mornin'," Jayne said, for some reason now in a good mood. "We got a spook, Cap'n."
Mal stood on sleepy, wobbling legs for a moment, staring straight at Jayne. He seemed to be thinking his response out thoroughly. His lips parted quickly with an intake of breath, his thought found.
"Right, the little hun dan flashin' our lights on 'n off. Say, Jayne, was it 'bout this tall and glowin' green in the dark?" Mal cracked a grin. Jayne scoffed a laugh, sitting down at the table and quickly joined by Wash.
"More like a redheaded little runt who thinks he's funnier 'n he is." He spooned oatmeal into his mouth and that ended their conversation. Mal rolled his eyes and headed into the kitchen to fetch himself some food.
"Geez," Wash noted, looking at Mal. "He got old."
"S'been almost a year," Jayne added, truthfully. Mal looked up with an eyebrow cocked.
"What's been almost a year?"
Jayne was quiet as he stirred his oatmeal. "Miranda," he said finally.
Mal's lips went into a fine, white line. "Don't you be bringin' that up 'round Zoe. That's an order, Jayne."
He grumbled a reply that Mal took to be in the affirmative.
"No," Wash said, pointing a harrying finger at Mal, "I mean it. He's got gray on his head. The years have not been good to him." Jayne gave him a dubious look over his breakfast bowl, and the pilot changed his song. "Well, I don't think I'm doing so hot either, but... Hey, Simon's here! Good old Simon!"
He'd stood as the always-immaculate doctor rose from the passenger dorms as if he'd been awake for hours.
"Captain," he said with a nod. "Jayne."
"Doc," Jayne returned with his mouth full of oatmeal.
"You're lookin' awful bright-eyed 'n bushy-tailed this mornin', Doctor," Mal said, taking a drink of his generic Blue Sun coffee with a grimace at the bitterness. "Coffee?"
"No thank you." He paused to look in Jayne's direction, as if he'd caught something out of the corner of his eye. Turning back Mal, he added, "Kaylee?"
"Bridge," Jayne said simply, scraping the last of the sustenance from the bottom of his bowl with his finger and sticking it in his mouth. "Yer sister, too," he tacked on, in case the doctor decided to stick around and ask more questions.
Simon attempted a polite smile, then turned on heel toward the bridge. Everyone present, corporeal or not noticed the spring in his step.
"Well, that's not our problem," Wash mumbled, leaning into his hand and looking bored at the inactivity.
"What d'you mean, problem?" Jayne asked, licking his spoon for any missed oatmeal.
"There's always a problem. You know, unrequited love, things like that." At Jayne's blank face, Wash clarified, "There's something--or somethings--wrong on this ship that only you and I can fix together. That's the only explanation that makes any sense. Otherwise, I'd be perfectly happy haunting my wife." He tapped his fingers on the table in thought.
"Hey, you hear that?" Mal asked, his coffee cup stopped halfway to his mouth. Jayne looked up, feigning ignorance.
"What, that tappin'?"
"What the hell is that? You playin' tricks, Jayne, 'cause I don't approve--"
Jayne held up both hands, and the tapping continued. Mal furrowed his brow and stalked angrily up toward the bridge, muttering under his breath about meddling space monkeys.
"So... what?" Jayne asked once he and Wash were alone again. Wash sighed exasperatedly.
"Okay, look. I'm dead."
"Right. I got that. I ain't stupid."
"It depends on the definition. Anyway, I'm dead and you're not, and here we are, stuck with each other."
"Yeah. You got a point, little man?"
"All ghost stories are the same! I have to help you solve all the problems on Serenity and then I'll be able to go to... wherever spirits go after they die. It's pretty straightforward."
Jayne paused to think it over, then nodded slowly. "Awright, all we gotta do is find a problem, right?"
"And not a mechanical problem, a psychological one. Like... Say Simon and Kaylee got in a fight and called off their wedding. That would be the kind of problem we needed to solve."
At that moment, there was a crash, a shout and thundering footsteps that Jayne recognized as a woman scorned. Kaylee appeared in the galley, red-faced and weeping, and whirled around to shout down the crew corridor.
"I ain't ever talkin' t' you again, Simon Tam!" Without acknowledging Jayne, she stormed past the table and down the hallway to the engine room, where she slammed and locked the door from the inside. Mutterings and accusations echoed down from the cockpit as voices mingled in confusion.
Jayne and Wash looked at each other.
"Y' just had t' say Simon and Kaylee, didn't you?"
yu ben de - foolish; silly
AN: HAY ALL! The next chapter is up, and I apologize profusely for the lateness of it. Zodiac is coming soon, too, so don't fret. I have less free time at college than expected (lol). I'm really having fun writing this, especially the interactions between Wash and Jayne. I couldn't have written it with anyone else, really. So, Simon and Kaylee is the first problem, but there will be many more for our Dynamic Duo to solve before Wash can get his well-deserved rest. Tell me what you think, const. crit. is welcome and appreciated but no flames please. Love you all, and stay awesome!