I do not own Dynasty Warriors or Whose Line is it Anyway, they belong to the Koei Corporation and ABC Family. Now that the disclaimer is done let's move on to the 3rd chapter of this fic. Enjoy!
"Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway the show that gives the Dynasty Warriors another reason to live other than fighting."
(An eerie silence fills the studio as the audience and the performers are having difficulty believing what they have just heard Lu Bu say.)
"…..Just kidding! This is merely a temporary peace before we all go back to our homes and start slaughtering each other in glorious brutal conflict!" Lu Bu exclaimed cheerfully
(Liu Bei begins to shudder uncomfortably at the term "glorious brutal conflict", Sun Jian and Cao Cao both give small smirks, and Yuan Shao really does not seem to care for Lu Bu's sense of humor or violent comments.)
"Before we continue on with the show I would like to point out that due to the requests of the reviewers at the author of this fic has sent us some brand new equipment from the future. So now we have two lovely new musicians with 21st century style instruments to help us entertain our audience. Everyone let's give a round of applause for Zhuge Liang's wife Yue Ying on the keyboard and The Queen of the Nanman tribes Zhu Rong on the electric guitar."
(Audience cheers as Yue Ying and Zhu Rong take a bow)
"And we also now have cameras to help record this show, so unfortunately as if the job market wasn't already small enough, effective immediately the following sorcerers we hired to film the show are now fired. I shall now read the list to you in alphabetical order."
(Despite that what he has just said is not very positive sounding Lu Bu is grinning as he pulls out the list of names)
"Zhang Jiao……… (Lu Bu puts the list away) You are fired and are now ordered to leave the studio immediately." Lu Bu announces
(At that very instant Zhang Jiao, Zhang Bao, and Zhang Liang barge onto the set)
"This is an outrage Lu Bu!" Zhang Jiao yelled in a fury "May the heavens smite you!"
(Just as Zhang Jiao finishes yelling Dian Wei, Huang Gai, and Wei Yan all wearing sun glasses and black vests with the word SECURITY written on the back of them enter from the opposite side of the stage as the Zhang brothers)
"Ah heaven has heard our call." Zhang Jiao exclaims at the sight of the three brutes "Now inflict your wrath upon Lu Bu!"
(Lu Bu snaps his fingers and points at the three Zhangs. Dian Wei Cracks his knuckles, Huang Gai starts tapping his palm with his Shadow Rod, and Wei Yan begins to emit low growls as the three approach the Yellow Turban leaders.)
"Wait! What are you doing?" Zhang Jiao started to panic "IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN STOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!"
(The three warriors begin to beat the crap out of the Zhang brother's, although the fight is being blurred out by the censor, we see that Lu Bu is clearly enjoying the fight, Sun Jian and Cao Cao start making bets on whether the Zhang brothers survive the fight, Yuan Shao snorts at this behavior which he considers barbaric, and Liu Bei is desperately trying to ignore Zhang Jiao's little girlish screams of pain. After about 20 seconds the security warriors carry away the bloody carcasses off the set, we see Zhang Jiao twitching indicating he is still alive.
"Well Cao Cao that's 10 bucks you owe me!" Sun Jian laughed
"Damn!" (Cao Cao pays him)
"Ah well that was a refreshing change of pace; actually I'm kind of shocked that they lasted as long as they did." Lu Bu commented
"I still don't understand how you or anyone else finds that amusing." Liu Bei mumbled
"You planned to eventually have at least one fight happen by the end of the show, didn't you Lu Bu?" Cao Cao asked eyeing Lu Bu suspiciously
"Hey My bet with Zhang Fei only says that I can't hurt or fight anybody, we never said that I can't threaten anyone or have others do the fighting for me." Lu Bu replied
(Meanwhile back stage)
"So, Lu Bu thinks he can find loop holes around our bet eh?" Zhang Fei mused "Well he's not the only one who can play that game! Hey, Zhao Yun!"
"What is it Zhang Fei?"
(Zhang Fei gives Zhao Yun a bottle of wine)
"Drink this bottle of wine for me." Zhang Fei said
(Zhao Yun looks confused for a moment but shrugs it off and starts to drink)
"What is the purpose of this Brother?" Guan Yu asked
"My bet with Lu Bu says that only I can't drink but we never said I could not handle the wine, or let others drink it for me." Zhang Fei answered triumphantly
"Zhang Fei….. That makes absolutely no sense." Guan Yu groaned at the stupidity of resulting from his brother's desperation
(Zhang Fei ponders this for a minute before realizing that Guan Yu is correct. Zhang Fei's desperation finally gets the better of him and then……..)
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
(Return to the stage where this shout is heard. Lu Bu is caught off guard and has dropped his note cards, Sun Jian covers his ears, Yuan Shao has fallen off his seat, Cao Cao looks like he's reliving some traumatizing moment from his past, and Liu Bei has his face in his head in annoyance as he is the only one who immediatley knows what the sound is.)
"What the hell was that?" Sun Jian exclaimed
Picking up his note cards Lu Bu smirks and replies "I think someone's desperate for a drink." He turns to Liu Bei who still has his face covered "Anyway let's keep this show going with a game called Multiple Personalities! This one is for Sun Jian, Cao Cao, and Yuan Shao."
(The chosen performers come onto the stage, as Lu Bu starts pulling out some props)
"What happens in this game is our performers are going to act out a scene while holding these props, however each of these props has a strange personality attached to it." Lu Bu explains
(Lu Bu hands Cao Cao a scroll, Sun Jian a plastic version of the imperial seal, and Yuan Shao a wooden sword
"Whoever is holding the scroll is….. heh heh is Doctor Evil!"
(Cao Cao groans and rolls his eyes)
"That couldn't have worked out better if I planed it…. Whoever is holding the imperial seal is Liu Chan!
(Liu Bei glares at Lu Bu)
"Lastly whoever is holding the wooden sword is Xu Zhu!"
(Yuan Shao curses under his breath, and secretly swears revenge on Cao Cao for convincing him to this show.)
"The scene is three soldiers at the battle of Si Shui Gate, the Allied forces side. When you are ready begin the scene."
(Cao Cao sticks his pinky up to his mouth)
"Will any one of you help me tear down this fricken gate?" Cao Cao asks the other performers
"N.. No.. Noble spirits l.. lend us your strength" Sun Jian stutters
(Liu Bei refuses to watch his son being mocked and turns his back to the cameras)
"Duh I'll help you" Yuan Shao says trying his best to sound dumb but he is unable to lose his nobleman's accent
"I do not think it will be very difficult to scatter that fricken Hua Xiong and his fricken army if we use my giant" (Cao Cao does the quotation fingers) "Ar-bal-est."
"I..I hope Xing Cai isn't out here on the battlefield."
"Duh I'll go find Xing Cai."
"No… If I'm to become stronger and protect my loved ones I must go. Let me borrow your sword."
(Yuan Shao and Sun Jian switch items)
"Now I can go and duh… rescue her and tear down that gate." Sun Jian as Xu Zhu said
"G…Good luck to you." Yuan Shao as Liu Chan replied
"Who need a mere sword when you have the force of a giant evil empire behind you?"Cao Cao still as Dr. Evil asked
"A… An evil empire will not make you any stronger as an individual!"
"Really? Well why don't you hold this scroll and then tell me otherwise."
(Cao Cao and Yuan Shao switch items)
Yuan Shao brings his pinky to his lip "I believe we should capture Hua Xiong and ransom him for… (Camera close up on Yuan Shao) "One Hundred Billion Dollars!"
(Cao Cao and Sun Jian both start to laugh)
Cao Cao as Liu Chan "D.. Dr. Evil this is 190s! T...That amount of money d.. doesn't even exist!" I..I mean we might as well b.. be asking Dong Zhuo to give up Diao Chan to us and to go on a diet!"
(Audience Roars with laughter and Lu Bu looks like he is having a hard time breathing.)
(Meanwhile at that very moment in the palace of Chang An)
"HOW DARE THEY MAKE FUN OF ME LIKE THAT! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!"
(Scene pans out to reveal the shouting voice to belong to Dong Zhuo who is watching the show from a TV Li Jue and Guo Si stole from the studio. The room Dong Zhuo is in is dark being lit only by the light from the screen, however we see several dead plants, soiled dishes, empty wine bottles, and unfinished bags of high fat snack treats scattered through out the room. Oh yeah, Li Su and Fan Chou are lying on the ground….. unmoving.
"I'LL ATTACK THAT STUDIO RIGHT NOW!" Dong Zhou tries to get up but is unable to push himself off his couch. He does not succeed in getting up until Li Ru was able to round up 1000 of his soldiers to assist him all equipped with gas masks. After about 12 minutes of trying they succeed at lifting him up. Once up, he starts walking for the door but pathetically enough collapses from exhaustion after walking about 2 inches.
"D… Damn it all." Dong Zhou curses as he passes out from fatigue.
(Back at the studio)
"Duh Dr. Evil, Even I knew that! And people think I'm stupid." Sun Jian as Xu Zhu picked up
"Look! I 've come here from another fricken country and I've been frozen for…… uh negative 1800 fricken years , okay. Gotta give me the info, man at the top needs the info."
Yuan Shao as Dr. Evil responded
(Liu Bei is perplexed and at the same time intrigued at Yuan Shao's unusual time calculation, and has made a note to ask Zuo Ci, or Zhuge Liang later on if it's possible to travel through time in that fashion)
"the top? I thought lord Yuan Shao was at the top. He is our commander….Duh isn't he?." Sun Jianreplied
(Yuan Shao forces Sun Jian to take the scroll)
"Yes he is! For you see I am the great Yuan Shao!" Yuan Shao proudly exclaims
"Lo… Lord Yuan Shao thank goodness you are here! Now we can… can… OH GOD I'M JUST TO SCARED! S… SCREW XING CAI, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!
(Cao Cao turns and runs off the stage and starts hiding behind Liu Bei)
"F.. Father P.. Pl.. Please pr… protect me!"
(Liu Bei begins to consider giving Zhuge Liang permission to begin another northern campaign against Wei once the show is over.)
Sun Jian throws the scroll back to Yuan Shao "Duh he can be such a coward sometimes. Oh well we can finish this ourselves, right?"
"Allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Allen Parson's project". Does the quotation fingers "Fire the Ar-bal-est!
BZZZZZTTT BZZZZZZTTT BZZZZZTTT
(Lu Bu taps the buzzer as the performers return to their seats)
"That was great 5000 points to Cao Cao and Yuan Shao for their hilarious Doctor Evil impressions! And an extra 1500 points to Liu Bei for taking his son's humiliation so well!"
(Sun Jian starts making pleading gestures)
"Oh all right! 1000 points to Sun Jian for being able to avoid making an idiot of himself by doing a Dr. Evil Impression."
"What was Dr. Evil doing in the later Han period?" Cao Cao asked
"Beats me, I just read these suggestions, I don't make them." Lu Bu replied
"Whoever does come up with them is dead once I find them." Yuan Shao whispered under his breath
"Let's keep things moving along with a game called Narrate! This game is for Cao Cao and Liu Bei!"
(Cao Cao and Liu Bei walk up to the stage)
"What happens in this game is that Liu Bei and Cao Cao are going to perform what is called a film noir scene for us. What I need from the Shu section of the audience is an unusual place for a film noir scene."
"Nan Zhong!" Ma Su yelled
"Siege of Fan Castle" Wang Ping exclaimed
"Bronze Bird Pavilion!" Liao Hua shouted
"Hold it right there!" Lu Bu interrupted "Bronze Bird Pavilion seems good. Alright so Cao Cao and Liu Bei are going to do a film Noir scene for us and the setting is the Bronze Bird Pavilion. When you are ready begin."
(Yue Ying begins to play some Noir Scene BGM on her Key Board. As Liu Bei steps forward)
"About twenty years ago my wife had disappeared, I had been searching for her day and night since then and all of the clues I found pointed to this, a large tower in the middle of some unimportant province."
(Liu Bei goes back to face Cao Cao)
"Excuse me are you the owner of this tower?" Liu Bei asked Cao Cao
"Yes I am, can I help you?" Cao Cao responded
"I'm here to rescue my wife, whom you kidnapped years ago" Liu Bei said
(Cao Cao steps forward)
"Yeah I knew who he was and I knew who he was talking about. I took his wife from him a long time ago while he was just eight years old……. Why he was married at that age I don't know."
(Cao Cao goes back to face Liu Bei)
"Yeah she's here she's never stoped talking about you ever since I brought her here. Your ears are about 6 inches longer than she said though."
(Liu Bei steps forward)
"Yes it was true my ears did grow very long the years, you need to have big ears though if you want to be a virtuous ruler that can listen to all of the concerns of the people. That aside I figured he was trying to distract me with that comment, but I won't let anything distract me from my mission"
(Liu Bei steps back to face Cao Cao)
"Hey! is that a Xu Brand Blue silk robe your wearing?" Liu Bei asked
"Yes, yes it is. Hand woven from the best weavers in Xia Pi. Do you like it? Cao Cao inquired
"Oh yeah! The lining and texture on this thing looks great, very sheer! It must have cost you a fortune"
(Liu Bei walks forward)
"Okay so maybe I let myself get a little distracted"
(Liu Bei steps back to face Cao Cao. But then Cao Cao steps forward)
"Actually it was a Yu Brand Blue silk robe but this guy seemed to be a twit so he couldn't tell the difference. He was stating to bug me so I had to find some way to get rid of him."
(Cao Cao steps back)
"Look if you want your wife back so bad then just take her, and I'll never come near you or her again."
"Do you really mean that?" Liu Bei asked
"Yeah I do, there are plenty of fish out there in that sea of women and most are better looking than her anyway." Cao Cao replied
(Liu Bei walks forward)
"As he said that it hit me if I let him live he won't stop until every man on earth is a bachelor with no wife except him! This was going too far! It was up to me to stop him here and now!"
(Liu Bei steps back)
"I won't let you touch another woman again! Liu Bei yells as he pretends to draw his sword
"Your reign of harassment ends now!"
(Cao Cao stares blankly at Liu Bei for a moment before stepping forward)
"As he pointed his sword at my throat I was thinking of two things, First I thought his charge against me was worded in queer way and secondly as he drew his sword he cut his belt and his pants fell down… Did you ever imagine you be killed by a guy with no pants?" Cao Cao asked the audience
(Cao Cao steps back as Liu Bei pretends to pull up his pants)
"Alright you got me but before you kill me can I have one last request?" Cao Cao pleaded
"What is it?" Liu Bei asked
"I want to feel what a man's lips feel like, please can I have one kiss,"
(Liu Bei looks very alarmed and a sudden panic sweeps over him as Cao Cao was now staring at him in a way he never thought he was capable of doing. Despite this surprise Liu Bei quickly regains his composure and walks forward)
"Is it just me, or is Cao Cao not the man I thought he was?" Liu Bei asked the audience
Bzzzzt Bzzzt (Lu Bu hits the Buzzer as Cao Cao and Liu Bei return to their seats)
"Alright that was something I never thought I would ever live to see! That was both entertaining and frightening! Good Job and as for the rest of our audience stay tuned for the next segment of Dynasty Warriors Whose Line is it Anyway where I join in the games hopefully coming sooner than this segment did!"
(At that moment back stage Sun Ce and Sun Quan who had been chasing Zhou Yu after his fit of rage from Cao Cao's insult in scenes from a helmet earlier on the show have lost track of him)
"Man, Quan we've gotta find fast him before he gets to Cao Cao!" Sun Ce panted
"But why brother?" Sun Quan asked "if he does kill Cao Cao isn't that a good thing?"
"Not like this it isn't" Sun Ce replied "You saw how Zhou Yu acted when he wanted to kill Zhuge Liang didn't you? If Cao Cao dies by Zhou Yu's hand like this Wei will send an even larger force against Wu then they did at Chi Bi to exact revenge! And that is something Pop does not need to deal with right now."
"Nor do any of us for that matter." Sun Quan commented "Your right we have got to catch him quickly!"
(Both Sun Brothers resume their chase for Zhou Yu)
Well there you have it! Next chapter Lu Bu joins what will be the final game for this episode. And what does Zhou Yu have in store for Cao Cao? All this next chapter!
A/N I am so sorry that I have not updated for over 8 months but I do not get a lot of time to write and I am not very creative either. I also apologize to those who requested a drinking song or hoedown but those are the hardest ones to do because when you read and write those online you have to imagine the music and match the lines with the beat which is no easy task. I am not sure whether or not I will use them for the next chapter but I do eventually plan on making another episode of this parody using either the strategists or some randomly picked warriors from each kingdom where I will try to implement those games. If you have any input about which characters I should use please feel free to speak up, the only rule is that I must use at least one character from each of the three kingdoms excluding "Others" and I might replace Lu Bu as host with a different character.