Sunset
The daylight is just about gone now and shadows of the tombstones stretch out in slanting, oblong rows. It was sunny today and beautiful, but I couldn't take any joy in it. I thought I was over the worst of it– it's been weeks– but now that we've finally been able to have a proper service... In the fading light I stare at the stone that bears my parents' names.
It was a relief when everyone finally left, even though it was only a small party that had followed from the service to the cemetery. I care about them all, but their good wishes and sympathy won't bring back my father, won't return my life as it was.
Ephraim left to go to the car a few minutes ago. I think he finds this place oppressive. I wanted to stare at their names a little while longer and try to let it sink it. I think the reality of our dad's death has hit him more heavily; he's inherited the position of director of Renais Enterprises and he's been feeling the weight of that responsibility. We have equal shares in the business, but it was long ago agreed that he would take the helm of the company when my father retired– we never imagined any other circumstances in which Ephraim would take over. I know he'd expected to have dad's counsel and experience to guide him for much longer. As for me, after I finished college I began working in the branch of the company that oversees Renais Enterprises' charitable activities and I'll continue on there now. Dad believed strongly in returning something to the community and I've always enjoyed being a part of that work.
As the sun sets, it's growing difficult to read the inscription any longer, so I finally tear my eyes away.
"Seth?" I don't see him anywhere.
I asked him to ride here with us. Even after everything, after it's all over, I've been skittish, jumping at the slightest sound, glancing over my shoulder. I keep dreaming about what happened. The crack of gunfire and the red splashes of blood seem more vivid in my nightmares. The only time I feel safe anymore is when I'm with Ephraim or Seth.
I take a deep breath. There's no need to worry; I know that. Slowly, deliberately, I let my eyes sweep the cemetery in the dusky remains of daylight. Is still don't see him, but all at once I realize where he's gone. His father, too, is buried here.
I attended the funeral and though it was more than a decade ago I still have a rough idea of where the grave is. I remember how sad Seth looked that day, but even at age twelve I had no illusions that there was anything I could do to make him happy. So I sat quietly through the service and the burial and I told him I was sorry and hugged him once and then left with Ephraim and my dad.
I only walk a little ways in that direction before I catch sight of Seth. He's crouching in front of the grave. My vision had been blocked by a tall monument when I'd looked earlier. He must have heard my footsteps for he stands and looks in my direction as I approach and come to stand next to him. I squeeze his arm, though what I really want is to hug him as I did when I was a child. We've both lost our fathers suddenly and violently; I know he understands in a way none of the others do.
For a moment I look at his father's gravestone, though it's too dark now for me to properly make out the inscription. "Does it get any easier?" I whisper.
"It becomes... less overwhelming. With time." He pauses for a moment and I'm puzzled when he does speak. "I'm sorry. It should never have happened. I should've–"
"Stop, Seth, please. You protected me– you saved my life! And I don't what I'd do if we'd lost dad and you." I'd managed to hold myself together during the service, but now I can feel my facade crumbling and I feel like a child... who just wants to see her dad again.
When Seth puts his arms around me, I can't hold back the tears any longer.
I miss my dad so much... And I love Seth so much and I want to tell him but I'm terrified of losing him too, and it just seems too terrible to feel so many things all at once, so overpowering and all I can seem to do is sob into Seth's chest while he holds me and strokes my hair. And I can't talk to Ephraim about this because when I do he's always on the verge of tears and it hurts to see my tall, strong, wonderful brother cry, to hear his voice quaver.
By the time I've worn myself out, the dusk has faded into night. As Seth places a kiss on my brow, we're only silhouettes in the darkness.