The next morning I went to work and cleared my cases with a knot in my stomach, right behind the space where my baby was resting. I called Mark. "We need to talk," I said.

"About what?"

"I don't want to go into detail over the phone. Can I come over?"

"Sure. See you in ten?"

I knocked on the door.

His face lit up when he saw me. Then dropped. He could tell I knew, that something wasn't right.

"I have to give this back," I told him as I gave him back my engagment ring.

"Why?" he asked. I felt horrible for how suprised he was. I hadn't given him any warning.

"We're taking this way too fast. It's a spontanous combustion, and I need more time before I'm okay with getting married."

"Are you breaking up with me completely?" he asked quietly.

"No, I love you, and I want you in our baby's life, but we're jumping the gun on this."

"Joann, why does everything in your life have to be so planned, and so precise?" he shouted at me, jumping off the couch where we were sitting. "Are you just not aware that sometimes things happen that we have no control over? Look at your stomach for pete's sake," he exclaimed.

"Hey, we had control over this, and we still do," I snapped back.

"Do you want an abortion?" he asked tensely, his eyes challenging me.

"I should kick your butt for that remark!" I snarled. "That's not even an option. How dare you?"

"So we can do something as big as having a baby? A baby? But you need more time to think about marrying the father," he summarized sarcastically.

"Mark, it's not like that."

"Joanne, you can't control every event in your life. Have you ever given into something just for the heck of it?"

"Mark, we're talking about marriage. Being together every day for the rest of our lives. Don't you think we're being a little hasty on this? You even admitted you wouldn't marry me so soon if it weren't for the baby," I exploded.

"Sometimes things are just meant to happen. We're meant to happen. It was right then and it will be right now, and it will still be right tomorrow," Mark argued tensely.

"Mark, we weren't making love. Ever heard of a one night stand?"

"You can't tell me that was a one night stand! How do you explain the past five months?" he demanded. "You weren't drunk the entire time. Maybe it was that night that started it, but we're meant to be together."

"I need to know for myself," I said quietly and walked out the door. I didn't expect him to follow me. I didn't expect him to stop me and cause another match on the street. I didn't expect him to fight for me, and he didn't. If he had I might caved, but he let me walk away. 'He didn't want to,' the reasonable part of my brain protested.

I didn't cry. I just curled up on the couch, and watched the flicker of the T.V., not even caring what I was watching. I was too numb. "Parents were never meant to be alone," I heard something say in the back of my mind. I started to think about my baby. "Gizmo" needed him. We needed him. What if Mark was right? Was if sometimes you can't plan your life? What if something went wrong with my pregnancy. Or raising a child. Children don't stick to carefully planned schedules. Why did I always have to be in control? And if I was doing the right thing, why was I feeling like I had just died?

The phone rang

"Oh my gosh, pookie. Tell me you did not break up with Mark!" a woman exclaimed as soon as I said hello.

"I didn't break up with him. I told him I needed some time to think," I explained to Maureen.

"Are you sure it wasn't the pregnancy talking? I hear women get weird when they're pregnant," she replied flippantly.

"Maureen, it's not the pregnancy."

"Pookie, do you need a friend?" she asked.

"What?"

"You know. Just to hang out. I'm not going to try to get back together with you for heaven's sake. We can even invite Mimi. We'll eat junk food, and watch chick flicks. Let's the three of us have fun."

"I'm not going to be a lot of fun, but you're welcome to come over if you want to," I replied.

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on my door.

"We brought Chinese food," Marueen crowed, holding up a steaming plastic bag.

"Are you okay, girl?" Mimi asked as she gave me a hug.

"I'll be okay," I replied, trying to give her an encouraging smile. 'Why am I so down about this if I'm doing the right thing?' I wondered.

"So is the wedding off now?" Maureen asked as we got settled.

"It probably should be," I replied miserably.

"You two are still dating right?" Mimi asked.

"Yes. I didn't want to break up with him. I just need time to think."

"Mark's really upset," Mimi said gently.

"I know, but what if I hurt him later on? What if we find out later it doesn't work out? Or what if we really didn't like each other to begin with."

"Joanne, I saw the look on your face when you thought he was gone. You love him. A lot," Mimi said.

"Maureen and I loved each other a lot too, but that wasn't enough to make it work," I pointed out.

"Joanne," she began softly.

I was startled that she had used my actual name. "With us, I wasn't committed. I never knew what I wanted from one day to the next. Do you remember how many times we broke up and got back together? Mark is committed to you a hundred percent."

"It doesn't matter how committed he is to me now. What about how committed I am to him?"

"You're right. You're probably better off single," Maureen assured me.

Maureen and Mimi talked about the joys of being single, but to me, it sounded lonely.

It was when we started talking about the misery of blind dates that made me realize it. We needed Mark. I needed Mark, but did he need me?