Allan
I'd always been told to make the right choices. First by my father, who had later given up, and then by my mother, who felt that she should make every effort to retrieve her eldest son from the brink of hooliganism. Their words are identical: "Choosing the right path takes time, a quick mind, and intelligence." To which my father often added, "Which you do not often show, my boy." Just now, I was wishing I had listened more carefully, and taken their words to heart.
I felt completely foolish. First, I'd let Tom die, not fulfilling my responsibility as a proper older brother. And now I'd just accused my only living relative of killing our mother. Why couldn't I have listened to my parents, and chosen not to shout out the first thing that came to the tip of my tongue?
What if we hadn't let Gwen join up? I'd have lost track of my sister, my only living relative, and probably never have seen her again. Still, as things are now we might never see her again, I reflected.
What if I hadn't blown up at Gwen? She might still by making the camp a brighter place. Djaq would be happier, having someone, another woman, to confide in. Robin wouldn't be endlessly complaining about losing one of his best fighters- that would have been better for all of us, if only he'd stop lamenting over the fact, rubbing salt into the wounds that were still so fresh. John would smile more often- Gwen's attitude could usually bring a genuine grin to his face when other things could not. Much would feel himself put upon to fill the silences with his own irritating ramblings- I often prayed that Much would suddenly lose his voice, making camp far more peaceful, but I couldn't deny that his ramblings at least distracted me from my bitter musings. And what would become of Will if Gwen didn't come back soon? He'd either drive himself mad brooding all the time, or he'd drive the rest of us mad by his constant silence. And it was all my fault. Just because I had to shout out the first thing that came to my mind. Good job, Allan, you idiot, a congratulated myself, dully.