I must be high.

Or maybe I was slipped a hallucinogen somehow.

That's the only explanation I have for why there is a human-sized talking turtle trying to turn me into a pin cushion, while his buddy in yellow (or maybe orange, the light's not that great) is cracking bad jokes and generally acting like a retard.

And oh yeah, they're both dressed like ninjas.

I mean, that's some good shit, huh?

But as I barely avoid being eviscerated, and receive a smack across the face for my trouble, I realize that this is no drug-induced nightmare.

Unfortunately.

I block another strike, feeling a dull ache across my forearm.

This guy's almost as strong as Hun.

I let loose with a quick snap punch.

It connects, driving his head back a good couple inches.

The . . . turtle blinks, somewhat surprised.

I follow through with a side kick into the gut.

This time I manage to drive him back almost a yard.

"Come on, Raph! Quit playing around! Tonight's Return of the Slug Ladies from Venus! And you know how good the first one was!"

"Shut up, Mikey!" The red turtle points one of his three fingers at me, "Play time's over, Foot. No buddy makes me look like a chump."

Suddenly, he's all over me.

He must have hit me three times before I manage to counter-attack. I tag him again with a strike, but it only seems to piss him off.

He back hands me.

Hard.

I'm knocked off my feet.

I tuck and roll, but he doesn't let up long enough for me to recover.

I feel a thud in my ribs and he pretty much lays me out.

Now he's crouched over me, sais to my throat.

Where's the Foot Clan when I need them?

"Raphael! Enough."

I stare up at my opponent and see nothing but seething rage.

This guy's going to kill me.

"I said, ENOUGH."

Somebody grabs him and literally pulls him off me.

I stare at my savior.

Great.

Another turtle.

This one's in blue.

Geeze, what is this, a convention?

"Back off, Leo! He's the enemy."

"And you beat him. It's over."

"It's not over until he's---"

"What do you think Master Splinter would say about you using your weapons on an unarmed foe?"

I tune out the rest of the conversation as I look for a way to escape. The red one, Raphael, is clearly out of my league and if his running buddies are anywhere nearly as good as he is, I don't have a chance in hell.

I'm slowly positioning my body for a sudden jump, when something taps the back of my head.

"Tsk, tsk. Where do you think you're going?"

There's a bo staff an inch away from my face.

Attached to it is yet another turtle. This one's in purple.

What's next? Brown? Pink?

"How about you stay put while Leo and Raph work this out?"

I decide self-preservation is more important than Foot clan procedure.

"How about you stick this up your ass?" I reply.

Apparently he's never heard a Foot ninja talk before, because he seems pretty shocked. I take advantage of this momentary confusion to grab his staff and rip it out of his hands. I use it for leverage and pop up like a jack-in-the-box.

"Hey!"

I bring the staff down hard on his head, but he's quick. He spuns and I strike his shell instead. The staff vibrates painfully in my hands, but I don't let go.

I swing it in a wide arc, and the purple one backs off out of reach. I almost feel sorry for him. This has got to be embarrassing.

"Way to go, Donny," Raphael says, as he begins to close with me. He shoots a quick glare at the blue one, "Happy now, Leo? He's armed."

I back up towards the edge of the roof. All four of them are advancing with careful and coordinated movement. The blue one has now unsheathed a katana and I can tell he knows how to use it. Plus, the yellow (orange?) one has stopped making jokes.

I'm so dead.

What happens next is somewhat blurry.

I'm all in last stand mode, my system awash in adrenalin, when several dark shapes appear from what seems to be everywhere.

All of a sudden, the roof is filled with Foot, and they're not taking any prisoners.

As my imminent death appears to be no longer on the menu, I begin to wonder what I should do. Technically, I'm not sanctioned for combat yet, but then again, I did just go a few rounds with them.

I start to wade into the fray (taking some satisfaction in the fact that the Foot aren't really doing much better than I was; only their numbers are making this a fair fight) when someone grabs my shoulder and pulls me back.

It's Master Yoshi.

He gives me the hand sign for "Retreat."

I am only too eager to obey.

---

A half hour later I find myself back on the roof of what I'm going to call for lack of a better title, Foot headquarters.

My body has decided to let me know that it is not a happy camper, but I take one look at Sato, who is running towards me, and all the pain goes away.

She looks like she's going to hug me and I open my arms like an idiot. She suddenly decides that's not a good idea and stops a few feet away.

"You made it! Last one caught, too!"

Okay, play it cool.

"Really? Awesome!" I blurt.

Did I mention I'm an idiot?

"Cool staff. Where'd you get it?"

"Huh?" Then I look at what I'm apparently still holding, "Oh, this?"

I shrug.

"Just a souvenir."

She raises an eyebrow quizzically.

I decide to change the subject because now that they're no longer standing in front of me, the idea of talking ninja turtles is completely insane and I really don't want to talk about it with anyone, much less Sato.

"So who else made it?"

"Jesse's in. She barely made it though, being the third one captured."

I let out a low whistle. I thought she would have done better. Probably fought too early instead of running like me.

"And how about you?"

"I was fourth. I made the mistake of moving from my hidey-hole. Should have gone with my first instinct and stayed put."

"Who else?"

Sato frowns and I already know.

Takara.

Great.

"So Theo and Shea…. ?"

She shakes her head, and leans in close.

I swear, even though she's clearly covered in dirt and sweat, she smells great.

"They were found all beat up. I think Takara ambushed them and left them for dead. Can't prove it, of course."

I catch Master Yoshi beckoning us over Sato's shoulder and gently squeeze.

"Come on. Looks like its graduation time."

---

I wish I could say I paid a lot of attention to the ceremony, but I'm troubled.

My mind keeps lingering on my bizarre encounter with those creatures.

If it wasn't for the staff I'm still holding, I'd think it was all some kind of strange dream.

And the few times I'm not obsessing on those turtles, I trying to figure out how the hell I can deal with Takara as a teammate. Now with just the four of us left, it's not like I can simply ignore him. We're going to be on the same squad!

And the tiny part of me not concerned with those weighty issues is too busy pondering how hot Sato is with her hair all messed up.

"Thomas."

I jerk out of my thoughtful state.

"Yes, Sensai?"

"Master Shredder commands that you attend him in the audience chamber."

"What? Why?" Adrenalin flushes through me for about the hundredth time tonight, "Did I do something wrong?"

The old man shakes his head and gestures toward the dojo.

"It is best if you don't keep him waiting."

Great.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I hate my life.