October 17th, 2000
A couple of bad things happened to me this week. I just feel like hiding under the covers and staying there for the rest of my life. Is that ok to do? Can I do that? I don't think at this point anyone would miss me nor wonder where I am. I know that I am being overly dramatic, but whatever, who cares? I have every reason to be after what happened. You want to know huh? Well ok then, I will just tell you.
My family is starting to fall apart. I just overheard my mom telling Buffy that my aunt and her husband were divorcing, and that it is driving another wedge between my parents because it is my dad's best friend and my mom's sister. They are being forced to choose sides, and of course, they are on opposite sides. It is much like when they first split up and then divorced. It turned into a bitter war over me and Buffy, my mom won custody of us, and my dad was so cold and bitter towards her for a while that he would refuse to even look at her, let alone talk to her about anything. It took Buffy and I to force them to see what they were doing to us that finally got things to thaw between them. I am just hoping right now that things don't get that bad again. I love them both and I don't want to choose between them.
I lost my best friend Janice today. You remember, right? I told you about her. Well, we had this really huge fight at school today. I found out that she has been talking about me behind my back to anyone who would listen to her. She said some pretty horrible things about me. When I went to confront her about them, she got all defensive and accused me of trying to sabotage our friendship. It wasn't until I threatened to go get the person who told that she decided to admit to the truth. Even after that, she was cold and cruel. Her words seemed to drip with venom each time she spoke. She told me that I was nothing, a nobody, a wannabe loser. I didn't let it show, but her words did hurt me, so I decided to hurt her back. I told her that I was only pretending to like her, that this was just a pity friendship because no one wanted her around, that she made my stomach turn each time I saw her. I guess it worked cause she finally walked off. Why did I do that? Why did I lower myself to her level. Why couldn't I just have taken the high road and walked off? I just wish that I could go away, go someplace where no one knows me and just reinvent myself.
Buffy surprised me today. She showed me she cared. She saw that I was upset about some things and actually took the time to talk to me. It was nice. Maybe, just maybe I was wrong about her. That maybe she is not a selfish, spoiled bitch. That she does care, and does love me. Maybe I do annoy her at times, and that is why she is always ragging on me. I hope that this is the start of us getting along finally, because I do love my sister and would love to be just like her when I grow up. Not the slayer mind you, but you know, strong, confident, smart, and beautiful. Don't tell anyone about this part ok? Cause, well, you know, I would never admit it to my sister if she ever found out. So, you remember that if you ever tell her. I will just deny deny deny. I have to go now. I am going to go pig out on ice cream for dinner and just sit in front of the tv and zone out for a while. No one is home, so they can't tell me what to have for dinner. Bye bye for now.