Lost and Found
By lfleurdelys
Chapter 3
Pretending that they were never here, in the hope that they would fade away, my feelings were frantically tugging at my heart.
They left only the bitter taste of nostalgia.
And so the descent toward my shattered self began.
Our paths crossed often, it was predictable since we were attending the same university. I indignantly remembered our mutual excitement when we received the acceptance letter. Now, this memory brought on waves of irony and heartache. I had tried my best to avoid him, especially in the first few weeks of the fall semester but somehow, inevitably, we met quite often. These meetings were aggravating on my part, because I could not help but detect the sorrow spread across his features before a cold mask would adeptly close his emotions once more. The hardest part was that it taught me to hope, despite what my heart was adamantly trying to deny, the agonizing knowledge that I still loved him.
o o o
Mornings were still the most difficult part of the day for me. He was still the person I thought of when I woke up. Nevertheless, I was indebted to my newfound friend, Lita, who kept me grounded throughout the ordeal and made sure that my days were occupied. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, despite the constant pain in my heart, as I contemplated Lita's kindness. Lita was a junior who had taken me protectively under her wing after we had met at orientation and I had shared my distressing situation. She empathized and fervently brought my spirits up. I was grateful for her friendship, especially since Mina and Raye had gone to school out of state.
"Don't tell me you're thinking of him," she greeted me, ending my trail of thoughts. Placing her backpack on the plastic chair next to me, she yawned and patted my back.
"You better not be," she warned me, her tone serious but her eyes twinkling with amusement.
I nodded, smiling weakly at her concern. "Don't worry, I'm all right." Preferring to dissuade her from her foreseeable probing, I skillfully asked her, "how was calculus?"
She rolled her eyes and I sighed with relief, knowing I had dodged any future inquiry.
"I hate calculus!" she declared, dramatically. "I don't understand why history majors have a math requirement."
"To be well-rounded," I replied sarcastically.
She groaned with frustration. "Wait until you have to take it, you'll be complaining too."
"You're probably right; math has never been my strength."
"What a depressing topic. Come on, let's get ice cream!" she added, taking my backpack as a hostage while running toward the bright sign of the ice cream parlor located at the corner of the street.
"I'm coming!"
I chuckled as she watched me, exasperated at my slow pace. I gathered the remaining of my books and dismissed the nagging thoughts that were currently invading my mind at the word 'ice cream'. He and I had shared more than one sweet treat on warm and sunny afternoons. I shook my head, unwilling to let the flood of memories attack my sanity at the moment. My friend was waiting for me.
o o o
"How have you been?"
"I'm good. I'm liking my classes and I've started making friends."
"Serena!" her forceful voice suddenly softened at the other end of the line. "Don't lie to me." It was futile to hide my heartache from Raye. Since the beginning of our friendship, she had developed an uncanny ability to read my emotions like an open book and I had defiantly attempted to conceal my burden.
"Have you seen him?" She finally asked after a few minutes of silence on my part.
Brushing her bluntness aside, I answered, "a few times, but I'm fine."
"Serena," she warned me again. I cringed at her fortitude but laughed silently. She was my best friend after all.
"All right," I conceded. "I'm devastated and it hurts to see him. I don't know how to get through it. He's everywhere. At my school, in my thoughts, even in my dreams. What am I going to do?"
"You should come visit," she started softly. "A change of environment might be good for you."
"I'll think about it." I told her honestly.
An hour later concluded my conversation with Raye. After sobbing uncontrollably with the mobile frantically clutched to my ear, I felt slightly relieved and was now composed to walk to my afternoon class. I turned my phone to its silent mode with the full knowledge that my philosophy professor was an unforgiving woman when shrill and incessant rings were involved. I winced as I remembered last Monday when an unfortunate soul had dismissed her daily warning with a motion of the hand and the cell phone had indeed provoked the middle-aged woman to furiously chase the student out of the classroom. An involuntary shudder escaped me and I checked the small object in the palm of my hand one more time. I refused to become another victim of her strict ruling.
Lost in the terrified aftermath my professor could so easily generate, I barely had time to register the hard chest I collided with. Before too late, two strong arms steadied my small frame and a stunned voice so painfully common called out my name.
"Darien," I exclaimed, equally shocked at the encounter.
I flinched inwardly as his hands dropped harshly to his sides and his dark shoes were rapidly moving toward the opposite direction. He was leaving me without uttering another word. His insolence weaved itself with my unshed tears and a vortex of emotions drove me to anger. Impulsively, I grabbed his arm and stopped him from taking another step.
"Why are you doing this?" I implored with a voice I no longer recognized as my own.
He did not turn to face me but he finally articulated, "I'm so sorry."
His voice was veiled with a painful sadness I could not understand. He gently removed my gripping fingers and without a single glance, he continued on his way. I stood there, my streaming eyes unwilling to tear themselves from the departing figure. My class momentarily forgotten, I suddenly wondered why I had felt his pain, a pain that had unmistakably mirrored my own.
o o o
I laid on my bed, wide awake, wondering why the sandman deserted me on this particular night. The red digits of the alarm clock flashed furiously and reminded me that it was now one o'clock in the morning. Sleep would not be in the cards tonight and I sat up, unwilling to toss any longer under the heavy comforter. I tiptoed to the door, aware that Amy had yielded to a silent slumber, and wrapping myself with the nearest bathrobe, I stepped outside the comforts of the dorm. I blinked a few times, allowing my tired eyes to adjust to the fluorescent lights of the empty hallway.
The second floor balcony was comfortably isolated from distant sounds of college parties and its drunken attendants and I rested my head on my elbows, leaning over the iron rail. Wistfully staring at the cloudless sky, I allowed my mind to wander back to him. How was one man able to create such chaos and disorder in my carefully organized life? He possessed the devastating ability to torment my soul without a required presence, day after day. In the dark of the night, watery drops somehow found their ways to my hands and I felt the definite moisture on the tips of my fingers. Mourning and thinking of him continuously obliged the customary assault of tears. It was inevitable, it never failed. Tomorrow would be another day, but the present was unfailing in its complications and I did not know how to accept it.
o o o
The party was in full mode when I arrived around eleven in the evening. I nervously looked around, recognizing classmates and acquaintances between strangers. I accepted a drink from the young man by the beer tap and I gulped down the liquid without a thought. Two more cups would follow before my friend Lita would find me. I felt light-headed, unburdened by the sufferings of my heart as they escaped its chambers temporarily. I hugged Lita in a drunken stupor and she giggled uncontrollably. Among the exuberant and animated crowd, I saw him unmistakably, a red plastic cup in his hand and his shoulders dropping from the weight of his supposed troubles. His midnight blue eyes were glassy from the effects of the alcohol. My resolve strengthened and I walked toward him, escaping Lita's watchful eye. I knew that I was not in my right state of mind and every logical thought was pushed away to clear the path for the encounter.
"What are you doing here?" he asked with a profound surprise.
"I saw you here alone" I replied, feeling particularly bold since the effects of my drink were clearly active.
"My friends dragged me to this party. But I don't care for it."
Silently, he made room on the staircase of the fraternity house and I sat down. Our fingers had found each other and they were now intertwined as we sat on the hard concrete. Neither of us noticed the gesture, so ordinary it had felt. And suddenly the past months were forgotten, if only for a night.
"I miss you" I blurted out. He turned to look at me and his piercing blue orbs told me a truth I did not dare to imagine. He had missed me as well. Before I could say another word, he grabbed my hand and we walked back to campus. Under the street lights, I found myself succumb to his embrace one last time. His hands were gentle yet firm and his lips descended upon me with a passion that was achingly familiar. The consequences of tonight's actions were plainly forgotten until the next morning.
The sun was shining brightly, piercing through the blinds of my dorm room. I tossed under the covers and finally woke up, unable to deny the pounding headache. My roommate smiled sympathetically from her desk and reached for a bottle of water and aspirin.
"This will help," Amy claimed as I swallowed the white pill.
"Thank you" I answered gratefully.
"Is there anything I can do?"
I smiled sadly. "It's just a broken heart."
"Can I ask you what happened?" she questioned shyly.
I nodded and took a deep breath. My eyes stared into space as I unraveled my story and its main tormentor. Twenty minutes later, I roughly wiped away the tears that had inadvertently spilled during my narration. I blindly grabbed a tissue from the discarded box on my desk and I continued sobbing for awhile. My roommate sympathetically moved next to me and gently put her hand on my shoulder.
"You know, last night proves that he still has feelings for you," she attempted at first, unsure how to continue.
I denied the happy ending she was envisioning and recollected the understanding I had of him. "I know him and he won't go back on his decision."
As I spoke the dreadful words, I realized that I had uncovered the raw truth and hope swiftly dashed out of the window, leaving me in a numbing state.
o o o
Days later, I found myself in the quaint and charming coffee shop situated near the art library. I absently twirled the wooden spoon in the warm cup before me and waited for Lita to arrive. Unwilling to accept my recluse position, she had convinced me to join her for a relaxing meeting. The antique door bell chimed and I turned around, the cheerful face of my friend greeting me.
"Sulking will give you wrinkles," she stated authoritatively as she raised another eyebrow at my fallen composure.
I chuckled. "You're right. I've ordered a cappuccino for you." I said, pushing the second porcelain cup toward her.
"I'm sorry," she declared sheepishly.
"What did you do?"
"At the party," she articulated, "I should not have left you alone. You wouldn't have talked to him and be in this mess. It's my fault and I'm sorry."
I shook my head and told her earnestly, "don't apologize. This mess started long ago. Besides, it might be wrong to think this but I'm glad it happened. It was good to speak to him again." To steal a few more kisses, I thought silently and yet unwilling to regret my actions.
The tall woman across the table eyed me suspiciously. "But isn't this more difficult on you?"
"I can't help it. I think I'll always love him." The realization should have frightened me but I accepted it with a strange and quiet resignation.
"Are you sure?" my friend asked me, awaiting any sign of confirmation.
"Don't worry," I told her reassuringly. "I don't plan to live my life this way. I want to be happy again and I cannot continue like this. I want to be happy." I reiterated for my friend and to myself. The task in hand would be difficult and my heart ached slightly as I repeated the words a third time.
o o o
"I don't know. I don't know why but I cannot let my heart bleed any longer.
Please let the darkness fall."
I blinked a few times at the words spread across my journal. It had been a month since I had last taken the writing instrument to jot down my feelings. Words had furiously raced before my pen and I had desperately hoped then that I could drive away the emptiness from my heart. It was an escape from my sufferings, a doorway to my soul. Nevertheless, the dark spots on the white pages were the haunting evidence of the tears shed during the depressive state I had been in. But the ardent resolve had not been in vain.
Tonight, I was no longer crying.
I could not decipher when it happened exactly but my heart took an obstinacy of its own and I decided that I could not let him win. The truth was that I needed to be patient and let time heal the deep wounds of the past. There were still days when the loss was unbearable and the realization that I still loved him nudged back before my eyes. The heart did not heal easily. And I knew indisputably that no matter what happened between us, I would never allow hate to replace the unfathomable love I was unable to part with.
How did you accept losing someone? How did you learn to give up?
I had always wanted to fight for what I believed. I believed in him, I believed in our love but it was no more. I refused to let those feelings invade my heart day after day. My soul ached with longing and an unrequited love that would never be. But I would not let it deter me from living my life to the fullest. I was determined.
Happiness did not have to come with a price. But if it did, I would readily declare that I had paid my due for the past four months. Maybe it was true after all. Maybe life was a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but I had stayed at the bottom for too long now, so long in fact that happiness had been forgotten and when it came back a few days ago, it was foreign to me.