Chapter Two
"Alright girls, now remember what I told you," Penny instructed her friends as they entered the building.
"They can't be that bad," Ru scoffed. "I remember one guy from that surprise party you threw…" she laughed. "God, my mom would freak out if she knew I was actually thinking about an Indian guy for once!"
"Raj can't talk to women," Penny stated with finality as they turned the corner.
"Sure he can! He chatted me up all night! If he weren't Indian, I probably would have sat on his shoulders facing the other way, if you know what I mean," she waggled her eyebrows but garnered no response. "You know what I mean?" she tried again.
"We all know what you mean, Ru," Tracy sighed, slowly making her way upwards. "Hey Penny, if these guys are so smart, why in the hell haven't they fixed the elevator yet?" She paused on the landing. "I mean, this might be great for cardio, but it sucks for everything else."
"Look, stop worrying about the stairs and start thinking about what I told you," Penny urged. "Now, what did I say?"
"Raj can't talk to women," Ru rolled her eyes as she repeated in a singsong voice.
"Howard is a lech," Carol shifted her breasts a bit in her top. "You really think he'll like me?"
"You're breathing, he'll love you," Penny said in a flat voice, noticing that the out of order sign on the elevator had been changed again. She wondered idly who kept doing that. "Now, Leonard's fairly normal, but Sheldon is the one you have to be careful with."
"We know, we know!" Tracy sighed in exasperation. "Don't ask him any questions, even if they are completely obvious. Don't sit in the left-hand corner of the couch. Don't touch the boards." She pulled herself up to yet another landing. "Are we there yet?"
"Yes." Penny marshaled her forces and looked them over. She still couldn't believe that she was doing this, but Leonard seemed to think that having their friends hang out together was important. At least, that's what she thought he meant when he was talking about 'the importance of a cohesive social group in which all parties are familiar with each other and able to interact peacefully and increase the bonds of the unit.'
Penny took a deep breath and knocked on the door. "God, I can't believe I'm doing this."
On the other side of the door, Leonard looked up sharply from where he was standing in the kitchen. Damnit, he'd told Penny to text him when they were on the stairs so that he could position himself near the door. Did she not understand the importance of strategy at a time like this?
Howard jumped up off the couch, smoothed down his shirt, and swaggered over to the door. He opened it with a flourish and gave the women standing there his most winning smile. "Enchante, mes belles fleurs."
Penny rolled her eyes and greeted him gracelessly. "I've told you not to do that, Howard."
He waved her off and offered a hand to Ru, "And who might this lovely creature be?"
Raj started as he recognized Ru from Leonard's surprise party. He looked at her with longing, tugged uselessly at his sweater and jacket, and looked pleadingly at Penny for help with a nod in the other girl's direction.
Penny stepped in with aplomb. "This is Ru. Ru, this is Howard and Leonard, and you might remember Sheldon and Raj." The boys nodded with shy politeness as their names were mentioned… all except Howard who ogled the girl with absolutely no subtlety.
"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Princess Puncha…"
"Howard!" Leonard intervened.
Ru turned in confusion to Raj. "What's he talking about?"
Raj shrugged sheepishly and smiled at her, earning him a smile in return.
Penny decided to head Howard off before things got any worse. "Howard, this is Carol. Carol, Howard." She observed how the two of them seemed to be sizing each other up for more than just a conversation. "Stay away from my stuffed animals, or I'll kill you both."
Tracy, meanwhile, had decided to just introduce herself and give Penny a break. "Hi," she held a hand out to Sheldon, "I'm Tracy. You must be Sheldon."
Sheldon looked at her hand for a moment. "When is the last time that you washed that?"
"Excuse me?" she frowned, her hand still hanging uselessly in the air.
"The American Society of Microbiology released a report in 2006 stating that, while 97 of females claimed to wash their hands, only 75 actually did. The numbers are even more startling for males. As well, mere handwashing is ineffective if done in cold water or without soap, or if the washing lasts for fewer than 30 seconds. Considering the fact that you were just in an enclosed vehicle getting here and then climbed four flights of stairs, the rate of your breathing indicating that you most likely used the handrail, I can't very well be expected to touch something as germ-filled as your hand."
"…" Tracy blinked.
Leonard pulled Sheldon aside. "She's trying to be polite by using a typical social convention which lubricates initial discourse with a new acquaintance."
Sheldon pondered that one for a moment. "Is it optional?"
Leonard smacked his arm lightly, "Shake her damn hand, will you?"
Sheldon returned to Tracy and gingerly took the very tips of her fingers in the very tips of his own. "Nice to meet you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my hands for the next 45 seconds."