Broken

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

A/N: "A back door, huh? Good idea." That's what she said.

Summary: General Rieekan, because I think he's a really great man.

"I feel the words unspoken inside; Well they pull you under; And I would give you anything you wanted..."

Remy Zero, "Save Me"

--

The day Bail Organa called me into his office and told me that you were joining the Rebellion is the day that I began to look at you in a different light. You became something more than just my good friend's daughter. You became my charge, my own little girl. Bail never worried much about your safety on missions because he believed you were a capable young lady and able to handle yourself in any situation. I, on the other hand, was the worrier. I waited in anticipation every time you went off on a mission, said a quiet prayer to the Maker that you would return home safely. When the report came that your ship had been captured by an Imperial Star Destroyer, I had to excuse myself from the meeting I was running because I needed a moment to collect my thoughts, fight back a tear that threatened to fall at the mere thought of your demise. And when I heard of Alderaan, my heart sank. If you had been taken aboard the Death Star, Leia, I knew that they would have kept you alive long enough to torture you, to force you to watch our home and our families and our friends be blown into the vast expanses of space. But after that, after they made you watch, your fate aboard the battle station was anyone's guess.

You're my baby girl, Leia, a sentiment that has intensified in the few short years since Bail's death. You'd lost your father whom you loved so much and I saw myself, still see myself, as the last connection that you have with your family...and you are the last connection I have with mine. I've never been so happy to see you as I was after you were returned to us by Commander Skywalker and Captain Solo. I had never been so scared for you, so convinced that you were long dead. And then there you were, smiling, triumphant at your escape and the successful delivery of the plans to the Death Star. You put on a brave face, Little One, but I know you well enough to know that you would not move on from the loss of Alderaan for a very, very long time. You came to me so often when you were missing Bail, and I would let you sit and cry silently in my office, forever your safe haven away from this ugly war. Do you let anyone else see you cry, Leia? Perhaps now your two dear friends, the Commander and the Captain, have seen you shed a tear, perhaps now you trust them enough to let the tiny cracks in your armor show, but I know that you will allow no one else in this Rebellion see you at such a vulnerable moment.

I know how much you love him, Little One.

It hurts me to see you now. I did not fear for you when Captain Solo's voice crackled over the comm during our desperate escape from Hoth and he told me he would be taking you to the rendezvous point. I began to worry only after you and he had been out of contact for six weeks. With each passing day we heard nothing from the Millennium Falcon and its crew, my heart sank deeper and deeper, again fearing the worst about your fate. But still I had faith in your friend, the Captain. There is not a member in this Alliance, save maybe myself, that I would trust more with your care. I was not worried, you see, when he told me that he would get you out of the base himself, because Captain Solo is in love with you. And men in love are not quick to let the objects of their affection befall even the slightest bit of harm.

Leia, you and the good Captain may fight, may put on a big show for the rest of us, but it is painfully obvious to everyone how much you two care for one another. I'm not sure when it started. Maybe it was an instant attraction to his gruff demeanor as he piloted you away from that evil battle station. Maybe you fell for him when he came back and helped Commander Skywalker; I wonder if maybe he came back for you. Whenever it happened, Leia, it was not long after you met him. Somewhere between the missions on which you were assigned and the quick escapes from various bases and your heated banter, you found in each other something pure and true and rare, something of which you should never let go.

(I'll admit it, Little One. I had a hand in some of your assignments with him. What can I say? Bail would like him.)

Do you know how much he cares for you, Leia? He knows about your nightmares, how you hate to go to sleep because your dreams are so haunted by your guilt over Alderaan. I guess maybe he heard you once on some mission or another when you slept restlessly on the Falcon. However he found out, he knows that the nights are your least favorite. You may sleep little, but he sleeps less. I ran into him one evening when we first made base on Hoth, walking slowly past your quarters long after you had gone to sleep. I told him that he should be doing the same and he tried to come up with some excuse about making repairs to the ship, but after a few moments of fumbling his words, the normally quick-witted Captain pushed a hand through his hair and admitted to keeping watch over your quarters at night. He assured me that he never, ever went into your room, but his conscience wouldn't let him sleep knowing that your own rest was so troubled.

He shrugged. "I just want her to know that she's not alone."

It was a rare moment of vulnerability for your Captain. And it was perhaps one of the most touching things I've ever heard. The next morning I rearranged the cabin assignments so his quarters shared a wall with yours. I know you've always wondered why I did that. I just hoped that being closer to you would help him get a little more rest himself. He's a great pilot, you know, but great pilots cannot remain so on zero sleep.

I watched you grow up, Leia. I met you when you were still a tiny baby, your father's pride and joy. The fact that you were not of Bail's own flesh and blood meant nothing to him. You were the love of his life. He thought of you as an Organa in every sense of the word. He was so proud of you when you decided to take up the cause of the Rebellion, and told me he did not worry for your safety because you had an indomitable spirit, you were a fighter. And he added with a small smile that he knew that you would be looked out after, protected even though he was sure you didn't need it. And, Leia, I think you found your protector in Captain Solo. I tried to be and I failed the moment your ship came under Imperial control. But Captain Solo, thank the Maker, was there to make up for my own failures. He's not been far from your sight since the day you met on the Death Star, even when your fights escalated to the point of stony silence between the two of you. I know how he feels, Little One. I used to pull girls' braids when I was younger. He provokes you to glean a response, because he knows that getting a rise out of you is better than no attention at all. And I know you, Leia. You pretend to be annoyed but you're secretly flattered by his subtle advances. He treats you like a woman, not like a leader, an untouchable.

I can see that your heart is broken, Little One. It's killing me.

You refused to see anyone when the Falcon first docked with the medical brigade, sorely missing its captain. You wanted only to stay with Luke, to ensure that his hand was repaired well, and to ensure that Chewbacca and our newest ally, Calrissian, had enough supplies for the journey on which they were about to embark. Mon was frustrated that you had been out of contact for so long and refused to speak to any of us once you returned, but I reminded her, gently, that something horrible had happened to all of you in your absence and that you would only talk when you were good and ready.

I omitted the fact that you're in love with Captain Solo. I don't think she'd take to kindly to that idea. I'm sure she'd ramble on about how Rebel leaders don't have time for trivial matters like love.

For such a smart woman, she can be so clueless at times.

It is late when I hear the quiet, hesitant rapping of fingernails against my office door. I don't need to comm to know that it is you; after all, you and I are probably the only two members of this Rebellion that require such little sleep. I press the button on my desk and the door slides open. You hesitate for a moment before deciding to enter the room and narrowly escape having the white hem of your dress caught up in the closing door. I nod to the chair closest to the desk, but you choose the couch at the far end of the room, perhaps not quite ready to face me entirely. I hope that you don't think I'm angry with you, because I'm not. The circumstances of your absence were entirely beyond your control and no one can be faulted for that, least of all you. So talk to me, Little One, and tell me what has happened to your dear captain.

Reluctantly, your eyes catch my gaze, and that is all it takes to start the flow of your tears. You bury your head in your hands and a sob catches in your throat.

"Carlist-" you manage, and immediately I am across the room, putting a protective arm around your shoulders as I saw Bail do once. I wish I could take this pain away from you, Little One. I wish I could bring Captain Solo back. He made you happy, and you so desperately deserve to be happy, but here you are again, crushed once more under the weight of loss.

"It was my fault, Carlist. He wanted to make sure I made it to my transport and we got trapped and all he was trying to do was get me to the rendezvous point and...it's all my fault."

I squeeze your arm a little, trying to show you that none of this is your fault.

"Shh, Leia. It's not."

"He could be dead now, for all I know. He wasn't excited about going to pay Jabba in the first place. He said something about how he wouldn't be easily forgiven."

You shudder a little against the thought of Captain Solo's fate, trying so hard to calm the tears still flowing from your eyes.

"When did you fall in love with him?"

For the first time since you began to cry, you look at me, wide-eyed, shocked that I know such intimate details about your life. I can't help but smile a little at your surprise.

"I just had a feeling," I tell you. Perhaps now is not the time to inform you that neither you nor the captain have been able to hide your feelings very well.

You bite your lower lip as you contemplate the answer to my question.

"After Yavin, I think. When he came back to help Luke." You give me an imploring look, as if you're trying to convince me that the captain is a good man. You don't have to convince me, Leia. I already knew. "He's not just a mercenary."

I nod and ask you if you'll tell me what happened on Bespin. Your sentences are mumbled, choppy, but I get the idea. Broken ship, Captain Solo's friend, followed by a bounty hunter, Vader. Vader explains everything. You've been tortured by him before, but being forced to watch him torture the captain was worse. And then finally you trail off after describing finding Luke hanging from an antenna beneath the city, because I already know that the story ends with your arrival at the rendezvous point. You're quiet for a long while, your tears finally dry but your memories still painfully fresh and your longing for the captain taking a tight hold on your heart.

"Maybe you should go look for him," I suggest to you after an extended silence. I again get another surprised look from you.

"Carlist, I don't think I can do that. What about the Alliance? I have a job to do here. And I've already been gone for so long..."

"Leia, how well are you going to be able to lead a war effort if your mind is always with Captain Solo?"

Silence again. You're contemplating my question, and I can't tell if you're offended at my suggestion that the captain occupies your thoughts or reluctantly agreeing that perhaps your work will not be best done with us now. I decide to speak again instead of waiting for you to come up with a diplomatic answer.

"Besides, we need him. He's a great asset to the Alliance, and if you believe that he could be returned to us safely we would be crazy not to dispatch a rescue effort. The Empire is building a new Death Star and we need his skills if we have any hope of bringing it down."

You nod, not sure what to say.

"What about Mon? I heard that she wasn't pleased that I was gone-"

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," I interrupt. Who has seen you to tell you the rumors? Probably Antilles. "But I will explain to her that it is necessary to the survival of the Rebellion that Captain Solo be found alive. You and Commander Skywalker could go."

Finally, I get a little smile out of you.

"Carlist, I have to tell you something. I was planning on leaving, anyway. Luke and I are meeting Chewie and Lando on Tatooine in a few weeks, with or without the Alliance's permission."

I smile in return. Please, Leia. You think I don't know you at all.

"I assumed as much."

A broader smile, this time, as you move to hug me and then stand up to leave. I stand up as well and put a hand on your arm.

"He's alive, Leia. I know that you'll get him back. But for now, you need rest."

"You too," you say, smile all but faded, just a hint of a shadow remaining on your pretty face.

As you turn to leave, I decide to add one last thing. You stop at the door at the sound of my voice.

"I like him a lot, Leia. Bail would have liked him, too."

You don't turn to look at me, but you do nod your head slightly in acknowledgement and perhaps gratitude as the door slides open.

"Thank you, Carlist."