Yeah! Chapter 2. I'm starting to like the sarcastic Edward more and more, though it would be a crime to turn him into that in the actual book. Plus, here in mah' story, he starts to ponder on the impossible, becoming only a tiny bit crazy.

Shopping.

I could hear the funeral music in the background already. Not that I needed a funeral. I was a vampire. But strangely, it seemed I had skipped the death part. It felt like I just went straightaway to hell.

Hmm…strange.

Alice walked into the main entrance and led me straight to the second and third floors where all the fashion boutiques were. I followed with all the speed, elegance and grace of a walking corpse. Of course, the surrounding mortals didn't think so. From their minds, I knew they were intimidated by my "grace". I wasn't being graceful of course. This wasn't much of my day.

Alice seemed to notice my hesitance, though.

It really is bad that Bella went away. I flinched as I read that particular, beautiful name in her mind. Carlisle is too busy at the hospital and Esme is too busy helping him. Rosalie and Jasper are out, too.

She sighed loudly, confusing the clerk at the counter. Did I do something wrong, he wondered.

He looked stupidly at the items Alice had given him, wondering if he scanned them right or if he forgot an item to register.

As exciting as his thoughts were, I ignored them and turned back to Alice.

Maybe I shouldn't have brought Edward along. But then I'd have to have brought Emmet. He isn't much of a shopper, though. But then Edward doesn't seem to be in the mood. Maybe we'll go car shopping later on.

I couldn't see why this bothered her. She usually went shopping on her own when Bella (I flinched), Rosalie or Esme were out. There were times when Jasper would come with her, but in general she was fine shopping alone. But the prospect of buying a new car to add to the collection lightened me up a bit so I kept my mouth shut.

The clerk, having found nothing wrong, handed her the shopping bags.

"Yay!" she squealed.

I blinked dumbfoundedly just as I blinked at Emmet. Did she just say "yay" right after her thoughts of depression? Maybe I had some ear wax. Maybe my theory on the alternate universe was right. Maybe Alice had a multiple personality disorder.

Hmm…this was definitely something to look into when we got home.

We walked out the store and Alice started to skip.

Skip? Alice didn't skip. I knew her to be a fairly hyper vampire, as far as hyper vampires can go, but she didn't skip. What kind of an eighteen year old-technically speaking- girl would skip?

Something else to look into.

I followed her with as much grace and elegance as before. Like a four year old kid going to his first day at school I pretty much dragged my feet and frowned.

Alice scanned the stores and from time-to-time stopped to look at a dress she liked.

I scowled at her. Any thought of getting a new car vanished completely from her mind. I was about to leave when a justified theory for the skipping entered my head.

Alice was an alien.

…

I pondered on this for a moment longer but somehow it seemed to make sense. Emmet (or is he?) could be in on it. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if bright green life forms in equally bright green space suits would come down from a metal vessel and abducted me right on the spot. They could've abducted the real Alice and Emmet then went ahead in Alice and Emmet costumes to spy on us.

Didn't bother me one bit. Just aroused my curiosity. Being dissected and studied by other beings in a strange planet didn't seem as disturbing as this pathetic excuse for a building they call a mall. All I had to do really was get Bella to a safe place before the count down to the end of the world was gone. Simple enough really. And since my dissection was inevitable, I decided to just play along.

Alien Alice suddenly squealed and ran. I did the same. Except I didn't squeal, of course. And I didn't run. I dragged my feet towards the direction she went.

I found her chatting animatedly with someone from our class. Angela Weber, was it? Yes, the girl with the extra kind thoughts.

I realized for the first time, that I was surrounded by nothing but women, which was strange. They were all staring at me as if I were the secretary of the math department running around in a toga and a muumuu skirt with a light saber strapped on my back.

That didn't really bother me. The female variety of women always looked at me liked that. I decided to just ignore it and hovered over to where Alice was. Angela was also talking to her, less animatedly though, as her back was to me.

Deciding there was nothing else to do, I started scanning the simple, trivial minds of the women fawning over me.

What is he? Crazy?

I frowned. That wouldn't usually be your average thought on someone you were drooling over.

I looked around through the other minds of these girls.

Such a pity.So handsome but mentally incompetent.

Excuse me?

There should be a nurse somewhere nearby…

Where's the police when you need one?

HELP! A PERVERT!

Oh drats, I knew I should have worn that pink blouse. Would've had him chasing me in minutes.

Should I ask him out? Or just plain ask him out of the bathroom?

The bathroom?

For the first time, I noticed the large mirrors and the cherry wood doors leading to cubicles. My eyes wondered to the pale red and scarlet tiles around me and after a while, I looked at the confused eyes of the surrounding women.

I was in the ladies room of course. Which explains the absence of men except for moi.

Hmm…embarrassing.

I walked out of the bathroom barely even caring. I felt the burning glares of men waiting at the door pierce my back.

If my wife comes out naked…

That wouldn't be my fault. I had a new non-gentleman personality at my wake. It was a sarcastic one, not an inhuman, pervertic one.

I suddenly thought at what the real Emmet would be saying when he would find out. I grimaced as I imagined the jeers I would receive when Alien Alice would tell him. I could take snide comments from him occasionally, but when they would get too personal or too humiliating…(sigh)…this really wasn't my day.

Chapter 2 is done. I like chapter 3 better. But you people will just have to wait. Inform me of any typos you see!