Wow, been a long time hasn't it. Well, sorry. And here it is. Chap 5. BTW, I might be completing "How to Annoy…" coz' I can't think of anyone to annoy anymore. I'm going to use my crack and insanity for something else. On to Kingdom Hearts!!!
Oh yeah, please inform me of any typos you see.
My mind wasn't really bent on hunting Alien Alice. I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of shopping with a crazy life form right after that horrifying incident with Goldfish and that deranged squirrel.
I wanted to be as far away as possible from the pet store but somehow, I haven't left the fourth floor yet. Except for when I reached a dead end and had to make an inevitable turn, I went mostly one direction. Never going up, never going down…yet.
I found myself in the movie house part of the mall, though for some reason I was thinking of pie and how cheese might dominate the Earth after they defeat the aliens.
Ah, what the hell. Strange things are going on so why would I be surprised by strange thoughts?
Well, I was sure that all horrific craziness and chaos were behind me. I was happily thinking of stuff when I felt myself bump into something.
Hard.
I, being a vampire, barely felt anything. I just stood there blinking. But the other victim wasn't so lucky. She (for that was the gender of the victim..I think) fell to the ground with her many (and I mean many), large (and I mean really large) packages clattering to the ground with large crashes sounds bouncing off the walls.
The passerby's all paused mid-step in their …whatever they're doing to observe the spectacle at the front of the popcorn stand, and then they continued on when all I did was stand there, blending in perfectly with the crowd.
When things were in motion among the citizens again, I bent down and picked up the nearest package. It was a large, rectangular box wrapped in elegant paper with leafy, floral designs with a pale pink ribbon wound around it.
I raised my head to look at who I bumped into. I appraised a small woman with wispy gray hair on the floor coughing and spluttering….gagging, gasping, wheezing, choking, panting, retching and many other things including possibly dying. It was at this point that the old gentleman me would've helped out the poor old grandma but right now…I was only acting on my own interest. Well, she had to be grateful I was picking up one, enormous gift for her. I mean, sure I could've also carried those, several other larger, probably heavier packages, but I was making the load lighter for her, for about 10 or 15 seconds.
Anyways, back to describing her. Well, she stood up and God knows she could've still been sitting down given her height. A lot smaller than Alien Alice/Alice, in fact. Well, she had a hunched back. That had to help. What was left of her hair was tied into the tightest of buns. Her eyes were small and squinting surrounded by many pungent wrinkles that made her face look saggy. She held an ebony dark cane with an austere hand that seemed to match in contrast the white, terrifying gown thing she was wearing. One look at her and any normal person would be running in the opposite direction.
I was about to giver the package when she swung her spindly cane at my face. I raised the box I was holding in defense and it gave away to her surprising strength. The fine porcelain statue of a horse fell on the floor and broke into pieces.
"You hooligans!" She continued batting her stick at me with both arms. I stood my ground and just held my hands in front of me so she could happily hit my wrists. I wondered why she didn't think of hitting lower where my defenses seemed weak.
"You youngsters all the same! Going up an innocent lady's knickers!"
Another one! Do ALL women nowadays think every guy is after them???
"Please…ma'am," I started but stopped when she stopped with me.
She squinted her eyes harder at me. "Larry? Is that yuu?"
"Uhm…err…"
"Larry! Whadyou think yuu're doing?!" She started bonking my head. "Where's your cousin? Henrietta?! Where ees she?!"
"Henrietta? Oh…well." Frankly. I didn't know where she was.
She hit me with the side of her cane. Her surprising strength was so great it lightly lifted me bodily off my feet. "Henrietta? Since when were you so flat?" She hit my chest again. Repeatedly. But this time, I stood my ground. "I was looking for yah' and yuu ne'er came back!!!"
"You have me mistaken ma'am," I said.
"No I har'nt! You're blonde ain't yah! You're a woman, ain't yah! Do yer' think I'm blind!"
I blinked at her, dumbfounded. It was here I spotted a pair of glasses in the corner. It was cracked in the side at one rim and cracked in the center in the other with crevices webbing out to the outer rims. Oh. Well, no wonder.
But surely she must at least see the deep contrast between hair color and gender and the fact that I sound nothing at all like whoever this Henrietta was. That I can be sure of.
"Uhm no, old lady. I'm Edward Cullen.I have dark hair and is a man."
"Say what? You changed yuu're name, dyed yer hair and had one o' dem sex changes!!! Behind mah' back!! Ees dat what yuu been doin' while yeh' were gone?!"
"What? No."
"Then yer lying," she exclaimed suspiciously. "I always knew yeh' were a bad seed."
Her words and tone seemed to shake along with her body.
I gave up then. I decided to play along since I found it a tad bit tedious today to have to argue with some grandmother who's lost her Henrietta. Given her loving personality, I wouldn't be surprised if I found out Henrietta were already halfway through America.
This would be just another Goldfish. All I had to do was make up a devious plot to get rid of her. I was pretty sure she'd stick to me like glue no matter how many intricate paths I weave in the mall just like Goldfish, but like I said, all I really needed was a plan.
Of course, plans take time to make up so until then, I'll just play along.
Besides, all I had to do was pretend to be Henrietta, follow her around carrying packages that weighed nothing in my arms, right?
Right?
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Wrong. Wrong. Very, very, very wrong.
I hid my face behind the many packages I was carrying which piled up into a whopping five feet high albeit the height from the floor to my arms.
The girls passing by giggled and some laughed uncontrollably as Grandma Sheldon (That's what I named her) asked my opinion on what kind of knickers I should be wearing to the junior prom. I normally didn't care about gossip spreading in town, and right now I still didn't, but the thing is, rumor spreads quick in places like Port Angeles and Forks, and if this reached the ears of Bella, Jasper and God please don't … Emmet, well, I'd really hate this day.
All I could do to prevent that would be to make sure no one would see my face. I pulled one arm from beneath the pile and balanced the lot with one arm. With my free hand, I arranged the packages so my face could be even more concealed. It could help.
"This looks promising, ain't et, Henrietta?" Grandma Sheldon said, waving a pair of yellow, cotton knickers in my face.
A guy walking with his girlfriend was passing by when she said that. He suddenly roared with laughter. I was certain. Very sure I was Heaven's own personal joke.
I hunched my shoulders and let my hair fall all over my face. This wasn'thappening. I waited eagerly for the invasion of the aliens. Any minute now…
Grandma Sheldon grabbed my wrist midway me arranging two packages on top of the pile. I grabbed those from falling a split second before I started walking. She herded me out of the underwear store, thankfully. But now I was bracing myself for whatever she was pulling me for.
That devious plot to get rid of her wasn't coming as quickly as I wanted it to.
"Hurry up, Henrietta!" She shouted without turning to me, going with the speed of an old woman. Oh, wait. She is an old woman. "Gotta hurry if yer' don't want to be late for the' parteh!"
Party? Oh for the love of Carlisle's God, no. Let it be anything. A children's party, a wedding party, a Christmas reunion, a funeral celebration. Anything except for….
- - - - -- ------
A High school reunion.
I wasn't Heaven's personal joke. I was Heaven's own comedy sketch. Maybe they had a nickname for me. Maybe Edward the Elephant or Edward the Sad Man Shopping for Old Woman Underwear.
If it were possible, I would have fallen down my knees and screamed "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo……" right to the sky. But I couldn't. Cause' I was busy being Henrietta.
"Henrietta?" One of the old women said. "Doesn't look like a Henrietta to me."
I like this one old woman as far as Edward Cullen-liking-old-women goes. She wasn't dressed like Grandma Sheldon, all frills and ruffles in her tattered dress. This one was wearing a smart blazer and slacks and a pair of dress shoes, with modern-fashioned glasses perched on her nose, which oddly seemed to look good on her. And her head had a fashionable, spiky haircut decreasing her age a bit. Well, with the way she was acting, it felt like she was the oldest of the bunch.
She peered at me through her black-rimmed glasses. "Are you sure this is a 16 year-old girl, Sheldon?" -(Wow, I was right, without even reading her mind!) –"She doesn't seem to be…"
Of course I don't seem to be. I'm not! For the smartest person there in the group, she was pretty dumb. But it was good that someone was being skeptical about my sex. Everyone else bought it the second they heard it.
"Oh, how cute!"
"Such a pretty girl!"
"A doll!"
"Hmph, my granddaughter looks better."
"I love her skin.."
Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. And amidst the pinching of cheeks and ruffling of hair and complimenting of complexion they all referred to me as her or she or Henrietta.
Yes, pretty annoying.