Ed sighed as there was a knock on the door. Of course it was his next date, who else could it be? Other than that one girl… Ed shuddered. That girl was creepy, and he didn't even know who it was.

He opened the door, but nobody was in the hallway. Ed frowned. This was unusual. He was about to close the door when he had a rather odd squeak coming from somewhere near his feet.

A pineapple. There was a pineapple next to his feet. And it was looking at him. Someone had glued googly eyes onto a pineapple, and they were defying gravity by staring straight up at him.

"MUSTANG!" Ed shouted into the hallway. "What is with this?"

There was no reply. Ed sighed, picked up the pineapple, and placed it on the table. It still seemed to be watching him. Ed sighed again before picking up the phone. He had to make a call to someone.

"Hawkeye speaking."

"Ah, First Lieutenant."

"Edward? Is something wrong?"

Ed frowned. "There might be."

"I take it you have something to rant about to the Colonel?"

Ed blinked. She was damn sharp about these things. "Ah, yeah…"

"What kind of date did he set up this time?"

Ed looked back at the table. The pineapple was watching him. "A pineapple with googly eyes."

Ed swore he heard laughter on the other end, but it was quickly stifled and Hawkeye said, "I'll connect him to you."

Ed thanked her and waited for a moment before Roy picked up the phone and said, "Mustang."

"A PINEAPPLE!?!??!??!?" Ed shouted.

The other end was silent for a brief moment before Roy spoke. "Come again?"

"Why was there a pineapple at my door? Is this my next date? What the hell kind of joke is that?"

"Calm down, Fullmetal. Yes, it's a pineapple, and yes, you have to date it. She's nice." Mustang easily overrode Ed's attempts to complain as he continued. "Unless you'd rather not have a date tonight and deal with your pack of rabid fangirls."

"They're rabid now?" Ed asked with worry in his voice.

"One of them ended up in the hospital, and yes, she has Rabies. Isn't a pineapple much better?"

Ed groaned. "Oh, for… fine, I'll do it, but you owe me."

"Take any complaints to Havoc. He's the one who started all this."

Ed sighed and hung up the phone before sitting at the table. Somehow, the pineapple had turned, and it seemed to be watching him again. Ed sighed and rested his head on the table. Al waited for him to speak, having sat at the table this entire time.

"This is ridiculous. I want to kill Mustang…"

"It's okay, brother. It could be worse."

Ed poked the pineapple and slammed his head on the table. "How the hell am I supposed to take a stinking pineapple on a date?!"

"Brother!"

"What?"

"Be nice!"

Ed stared at his brother. "It's a freaking pineapple! With googly eyes glued on!"

"She's really nice, brother."

"Wha- SHE? Al! IT'S A PINEAPPLE! WE EAT PINEAPPLES!"

"That's not an excuse to be mean."

"What…"

"Some people eat dogs, brother, but you don't see Winry being mean to Den, or Hawkeye… actually hurting Black Hayate, do you?"

Ed shrugged. "Some cultures eat cats, too, Al."

A faint meow came from Al's direction. It sounded like it was echoing. Ed eyed Al with a creepy spark in his eye. "You know, I'm kind of hungry…"

"Bro… brother…?"

"Yeah, fresh meat sounds really good right now."

"YOU'RE EVIL!"

Ed watched as Al ran off, nearly breaking the door as he slammed it shut behind him. He sighed in relief as he was left alone and rested his head against the table. Then something caught his eye. There were two lines of water coming from each of the pineapple's eye. It was staring straight at him.

Ed looked more closely. Was it… crying…?

"Wait a second. You're really alive?"

The pineapple stared at him as he stood up. Ed somehow knew that it was answering him with a yes.

"Then…"

Am I really that annoying?

Ed was mortified. Not only was an inanimate object alive, but it was upset. Ed stammered for a minute. "W-w-wha I-I'm sorry I didn't mean t-t-t-to-"

It's okay. I understand. I'm used to disappointment. To Ed's surprise, the pineapple began moving toward the door, and after a moment, it came to the edge of the table. Ed jumped out of his chair and dove to catch it before it hit the floor.

You… you saved me…?

Ed looked into the pineapple's eyes. "I-I didn't realize… I'm so sorry…" And then he hugged the pineapple.

-------------

Ed walked down the street, the pineapple in his arms. They were enjoying the afternoon, and everything the shops had to offer, and anyone who commented on Ed hanging out with a pineapple was consequently punched in the face.

Piney and Ed were happy.

And then the dogs came. They attacked Ed and caused him to drop the pineapple, and sadly enough, he was on a bridge that went over a jagged pile of rocks…

"Piney!" Ed screamed, jumping over the bridge and landing easily on one of the flatter rocks. He desperately tried to gather the pieces, but was soon tackled by the aforementioned dogs. He lay sobbing underneath the weight of one of them as the others ate what was left of the pineapple.

Then the dogs were gone, and so was every trace of Piney. He sat there bawling. It was too much for him to take…

Don't cry, Edward.

Ed looked up, and his jaw dropped in awe. There, floating in front of him, was a beautiful spirit in the shape of a… giant pineapple with giant googly eyes.

I am free. I can go where I wish without fearing death by smoothie. Thank you.

"B-but…"

We may meet again, but if not… thank you for today. It was the best day of my short-lived life.

And Ed passed out. Piney went on to travel the world and accomplish many pineapple-tastic feats of sheer wonderfulness. Ed could live knowing that she was happy.

That is, until she emailed him a picture of how any children she and Ed would have had might have looked like. Then Ed was scarred for life.

And that is why Edward Elric hates milk… I mean pineapple.