OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY I SUCK AT UPDATING BUT I'VE HAD WRITER'S BLOCK AND GAH. I'd be less worried about it if I hadn't just been ignoring this fic, but I just can't seem to write much at the moment.
Anyway, this chapter has language and other stuff, and it's not really that great, but whatever. At least you all know I'm not dead now.
It was a quiet night. Ed was relaxing for a while, not quite ready to accept the fact that he had another date the next day, and he was supposed to meet her at noon. How he was supposed to do that when she supposedly lived in Drachma, Ed had no idea. He was also confused as to why someone from Drachma would be interested in dating an Amestrian, and how the hell the military was going to let that one slide. It just baffled him.
In the end, Ed rolled out of bed the next morning and opened the door when he heard knocking. Roy was standing there, and he walked in and pulled a computer out of a stylish bag hanging over his shoulder. He placed it on the table, plugged it in, and turned it on.
"Why the hell do you have a computer like that?" Ed asked, pointing at the G4 Powerbook with a couple of dents, a missing return key, and a crapload of stickers on the back, including two Switchfoot Oh! Gravity. stickers, one with the Hawaiian Dakine logo, a couple of penguins facing each other just over the glowing apple symbol, and an empty square where a sticker with some anime character had been before. I'm pretty sure it was Daisuke from D.N. Angel, but I can't quite remember.
"I talked to Benji. He asked the author to get you a computer, which means you can't do any damage to it because it's a plothole artifact," Roy explained, just as the wallpaper showed up on the screen.
"Oh dear god, it's some psycho guy with a baseball bat," Ed groaned as he looked at the bloody design. "Can we get rid of that?"
System Preferences – Desktop & Screen Saver – Desktop – Black & White
"Why do we need a black and white one?" Ed asked.
Because that's what my fucking background is right now and you'd better select the fucking Sea Mist one.
"Oh. Are you angry right now?"
No. I'm just trying to add some humor into this part because it seems a little dry. And my mom just accidentally shoved my set of fancy-schmancy pencils off a table. Let's hope they're not broken.
"Shouldn't you get back to the story?"
FUCK DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! –cough– At that, Roy opened AIM, signed Ed in with a new account, and told him to wait. "She should sign on sometime soon, and she'll contact you," he said before leaving.
Ed stared at the computer screen. It was boring and filled with 17 screencaps and a DVD. Since Ed was bored, he opened up the DVD player and watched LotR special features for a while. He was startled out of this when a window popped up.
Hi, is this Edward?
Ed frowned, and spoke his responses out loud as he typed them to make it easier to tell who's saying what. "Yeah. Are you that person I'm supposed to be dating?"
Tee hee. Yep. How r u?
"Fine. How are you?"
Gr8t. I just got off work 2day. My boss is such a idiot.
"Heh, so is mine."
O rly? That's funney.
"I didn't really think it was funny," Ed muttered.
How tall r u?
"Total, about 165 cm."
Lol. Ur 15, rite?
"Yeah."
Do u like girls?
"Why wouldn't I like girls?" Ed asked, honestly confused.
I dunno, some ppl do it wit othr guys.
"Oh, that's what you meant."
Lol ur a n00b.
Ed didn't reply to that one.
OMG u no wat i got tis ting last nite dat u can stik up ur –censored–
"Ew. Why would you want that?"
Its funy.
"I guess…"
So wats ur –censored– size?
"What?"
I wanna kno in case we meat.
"That's rather personal, you know," Ed growled.
But were on a date!!
"You call this a date?" Ed snapped. "This is just a bunch of words on a screen! And half of them aren't even words!"
O srry. So wat u do in da militerry?
"Alchemy stuff."
Is dat fun?
"Not usually."
O. Wat about war n stuf?
"I haven't had to deal with it yet."
Do u haf famly?
"Yeah, I have a brother."
How old is he?
"Fourteen."
Is he cutee?
"Um… Why?"
R u cute?
"I guess…"
Wanna cyber?
Ed blinked. He'd never heard of that before. "Cyber?"
Ya its were u roleplay n stuff.
Well, that certainly clarified things. "Um… sure, since there's not much else to do…"
Okay, ill strt. –Walks down da stret wit a bunch of books– "Man, these books r heavy, i need halp."
"Um… 'Do you need help, ma'am?'"
"Yes plz. im goin 2 my hous over there." –points to house–
"I pick up some of the books and carry them to your house with you."
We go inside and put da books down in da living room. "Thank u mr. Will u help me wit something in my room now?"
"Um, sure."
–leads u upstars and sits on da bed– "I need to get dis uber shirt off 1st but its stuck. Cn u help me? i cant breath"
"I guess…"
–Takes off shrt & stretches. My brsts r frm under my bra–
"…What? What the hell is this?"
Its cybering, silly! Don't go OOC on me now!
Ed blinked. Then he realized that he could look up the term on the internet, and he opened up a browser. When he saw what it was, he stared at it for a moment and went back to the conversation.
"You know, I changed my mind. Let's… not do that, okay?"
O r u shy? lets take of ur shirt. –takes off ur shirt and pushes u on the bed–
Ed tried to quit out of the program, but evidently Benji had made that impossible, so he simply turned the computer so that he couldn't see the screen and lay down on his bed. At least he could get some sleep while everyone thought he was on a date…
He didn't hear Roy knock on the door, and he only woke up when the door slammed behind the Colonel. He looked up at him with his 'I hate you and I wish you were dead so that I didn't have to do this' look before sitting up.
"Did you get bored?" Roy asked.
"You found another crazy one," Ed replied.
"Oh?" Roy looked at the screen. "'Awwww, ur so cute when ur shy. I tug on the ropes again and pull out ur –censored– and stick it in my –censored– and then–' Sounds like you had a fun night."
Ed groaned. "I left as soon as I realized what cybering meant."
"Mind if I take over?" Roy asked, a playful glint in his eye.
Ed glared at him. "You are one sick man, you know that?"
Roy laughed. "If I actually got off on what I'm about to say, then maybe you'd be right. What's the grossest animal you can think of?"
"I dunno, some insect, I guess," Ed replied, though he didn't quite see where Roy was going with this.
"Let's just go with a katydid, then," Roy said before sitting down at the computer and beginning to type. "I groan in pleasure and then let out the katydid that's been in my mouth this whole time. It crawls down my chest and feels your soft hair down there before it calls to its katydid friends with its beautiful song…"
Y r u usin bugs?
"Don't they just make you so horny?"
Ewwwww ur gross!
"But I'm not finished yet! We still haven't gotten into the masochistic part yet!"
IM LEAVING!!
And with that, she was gone. Ed stared at the Colonel in gratitude.
"Well, I figured since she may have scarred you for life that I should at least give her the same lovely gift," Roy said.
And Ed found that he could laugh at the whole ordeal. Several weeks later. When my computer was nowhere near him.
Yeah, I think it sucks, but hey, what else is new? As for why I chose katydids, go look up questionable content. One of the strips in that comic has a katydid in it, but it's in the middle of 1161 (as of June 9th, at least…) comics, so good luck finding it. Still, though, it's a pretty decent comic with good art and funny punch-lines, so yeah. Also, xkcd is a good one too. I feel weird advertising stuff on my fics, but I figure it might explain why I don't get any writing done.
Anyway, I have half-finished chapters for like three fics, so no promises, but there is a possibility for an update soon. I hope. Plus I have a story on lotrfanfiction dot com that I've been working on for a while, so just look me up there. My username is the same.
If only writing was as mindless as embroidery, then I might get more of it done…