Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Harry: All right, this is getting really out of hand.

Hermione: You're going to complain about the fanfictions, aren't you?

Ron: Jeez…

Harry: Yes! Otherwise known as Those-stories-based-off-real-novels-and written-by-people-with-no-lives.

Author: appears…yet again Hey! I TOTALLY have a life!

Harry: skeptically Really?

Author: changes subject Fanfictions are a form of self-expression!

Harry: They degrade the characters!

Author: They do not!

Harry: Do so!

They glare at each other

Author: There's only one way to solve this…

Ron: Russian roulette?

Author: What? No! We must…DUEL.

Ron: What?

Hermione: Oh no…

Harry: Yes! You're a muggle! I can totally beat you.

Author: Don't be so sure about that.

They face off. Harry pulls out a wand, but the author just stands there

Harry: Aren't you going to pull your weapon, Muggle?

Author: brightly OK!

She pulls out an AK-47

Author: Asta la vista, Potter!

She fires the gun. Harry dies

Ron: eloquent as always OH MY GOD!

Hermione: in shock How-how could you do that?

Author: That's the magic of fanfiction, baby. I can also do things like this.

Harry sits up, alive

Harry: HOLY CRAP!

Hermione: gasp

Ron: JESUS! (Pronounced 'HAY-zoos')

Author: Let's keep this non-religion preferenced, Ronald. I really can't afford to be sued.

Ron: But Harry just came back to life!…and that's what the disclaimer is for, right?

Author: ignores Ron You see, in the world of fanfiction, the impossible is made possible. Reality is nothing but a fancy word. Even canon is rendered inconsequential if you label your story as AU!

Harry: Ranting, much?

Author: Look of Doom™!

Harry: Psshaaw, that stopped working on me last chapter.

Author: CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!

She gets weird looks

Author: What?

Ron: Hey! That's my line!

Silence

Author: Ron, if stupidity were a crime, you'd be serving life in jail.

Ron: What?

Harry: I can feel my IQ points dropping every time he speaks…

Ron: realizing he was insulted Hey!

Author: annoyed Good job, Ron! In fact, you wanna cookie?

Ron eats cookie and drops down dead

Harry: Poisoned cookie, huh?

Author: Yeah.

Hermione: Are you going to bring him back to life?

Author: Only if the police come. And since I am entierly in control of the events in this story, they won't.

Hermione: Oh. Okay.

Harry: But seriously! In some fanfics, I am paired with the most messed up people and I am put in the most messed up situations. WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?

Author: You're not allowed to be happy. It's like, a scientific law.

Hermione: Yeah, and you're not the only one in messed up relationships.

Author: Though I have to say, the canon relationships were probably the cruelest of all.

Harry and Hermione: Totally.

Hermione: Having to live with Ron all my life is the ultimate torture.

Author: What about slash and femmeslash?

Harry: I would totally rather be stuck with Snape than be with the next Lindsey Lohan.

Author: Red hair and all.

Ginny: Hieverybody!

They all scream

Author: How the hell did you get back? I didn't write you in!

Ginny: her body and face mutilated almost beyond recognition MAGIC!

Harry: to Author Aren't you going to do something?

Author: looking at her computer Just a second, my comuter just switched all the 'Hermione's' with 'Hormone'…

Ginny: Harry,Iloveyou!

Harry: perplexed I can't understand you.

Ginny: Ican'tlivewithoutyou!

Hermione: Aren't you supposed to be dead anyway?

Author: muffled YES!

Ginny: Harry,givemeakiss! moves toward Harry

Harry: DIE ZOMBIE! hits Ginny in the head with an axe

Ginny gets up again

Hermione: TAKE THAT ZOMBIE! hits Ginny again

Author: walks over to Ginny All right, you guys, just a second, and I'll get rid of her.

Harry: snickering Have you gotten rid of Hermione's hormones?

Hermione: Shut up, Harry.

Harry: But-

Hermione: NOW.

Author: walks back over Ok, she's gone now.

Harry: What'd you do to her?

Author: Do you really want to know?

Harry: …No, not really.

Author: You see, this is something that happens very often in fanfics. The author sometimes loses control of the fic, and these sorts of things happen.

Harry: The horror.

Author: I know.

Hermione: Well, Harry, do you still hate the fanfictions?

Harry: Yes. Yes, I do.

Author: Do you still hate the books?

Harry: Yep.

Hermione: The movies?

Harry: Most definitely.

Author: So I haven't accomplished anything by this fic?

Harry: Not really, no.

Author: Steps over Ron's body to pull Harry and Hermione into a group hug And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Puppet Dumbledore: appears Aww, a cornicopia of love!

Harry: pulls away That's another thing! Those puppets!…

Author: over Harry's ranting But that's a story for another day.

FIN