Note From The Author—Okay, so in an instance that is very very strange for me, this chapter which centers completely around Az is longer than the one that centered on DG and Cain. Weird, I know. Still, I really wanted to get into what Az was thinking and feeling and the parallels between her emotions and DG's that neither of them realized were much the same. Anyway, forgive me for the length that I gave to Az and not DG, and also for my choice of pairing if it turns out that it's not one you're into. Enjoy.
In the three years since the eclipse it had occurred to Azkadellia that she felt like a fraud too often for her taste. She'd been dragged to hell and back at a young age, and though she and DG had vanquished the witch there were still days when she forgot that she was free. Some days were tougher than most, and it was those days that made her feel like she was deceiving everyone around her, and more importantly herself.
She found that her life had begun to revolve around pretending. Az pretended that she was perfectly fine. In the beginning she had watched DG struggle with her emotions and feelings, and the last thing she wanted was to add to her burden. And she could see it in her parents' eyes, the hope that she was getting better and giving them their little girl back. She couldn't bear to tell them otherwise, not when they had such high hopes for both of their daughters. So she pretended.
Azkadellia found that once she began to pretend in one area of her life it was much easier to do it elsewhere, and she did. She pretended that it didn't hurt when even after three years men and women flinched at the sight of her and mothers hurried their children away from her. She acted as if it didn't matter that some of the royal staff could barely stand to be in the same room with her and that she didn't care when she was forced to face the horrible things the witch had done while using her body as a vessel. She lied to herself and said that it didn't slash at her heart when people speculated that the witch had never existed, that the royal family had invented the events at the tower to save Azkadellia after she had willingly terrorized the people of the OZ; that lie never seemed to hold, and she spent hours agonizing and weeping over it.
She pretended that her heart didn't ache whenever she saw DG and Cain walk hand in hand around the grounds or through the palace. Later on Az made believe that it didn't wound her to see the diamond winking on her sister's left hand or the matching one that her Tin Man wore; in reality it cut her to the quick. She pretended that it didn't bring her to tears when she thought of the man she wanted to be with and the fact that she would never have him. After three years of living independently from the witch, after three years of fighting to find herself and working to carve out a space for herself in a world that seemed to have no place for her she still felt so horribly lost.
She wished that she could have what DG and Cain had, dreamed about a husband and children; but it seemed that every man she met could only see the tarnish left behind by the witch. In turn Az was forced to question if there was some legitimacy to the Ozian belief that she was somehow ruined, and she withdrew into herself. She could barely stand to be touched and she rarely touched others, so terrified was she of the potential recoil and looks of horror. She couldn't even show affection to her family, because in the back of her mind she wondered if they blamed her for everything they had been through.
The balls and galas and state functions were the most difficult. It was there that Azkadellia was most often forced to deal with the reality of the O.Z.'s continuing fear and loathing, and where she felt the most like a fraud. There she had no option but to straighten up, paste on a royal smile, and pretend she didn't hear the way certain people still whispered when she passed by. She curtsied and smiled until her jaw began to ache and she thought her spine would crack, and still they talked, still they speculated.
The party thrown for DG and Cain's first anniversary as husband and wife would turn out to be Az's breaking point. The princess and her Tin Man hadn't wanted the party, but their mother insisted that as a member of the House of Gale it was absolutely necessary. DG hated that she had to do it; hated it more that she had to put Cain through it. Still there didn't seem to be any other options, so she let her mother and father put the soiree together and tried to stay 'clear the hell away from the plans' as she put it.
Az was right on board for avoiding it. The afternoon of the party she holed up in her chambers with a pile of books and prayed that no one would notice her absence until just before the event. Just as had been proven most of her life, her luck wasn't that good; a maid dropped her pressed gown off four hours before the party with a note from her mother asking her to begin her preparations so that a family photo could be taken.
Sighing to herself she turned back to the maid, one of the several who would have rather been boiled in hot oil than standing in front of the elder princess. "Is there anything else you'd be needing Princess Azkadellia?" she asked in a tremulous voice.
"How is Princess DG?" Az asked. Her sister had railed against the party even harder than she usually did and it was concerning.
"She's been feeling something awful all day. Her chamber maid told me that Princess DG's been horrible sick all day long, thinks it's a bad case of stomach bug."
As she always did she felt for DG and wished to every power that she knew that she could find some way to be there for her sister. "Thank you that will be all."
No surprise, the girl ran out of the room as if her skirts had been set on fire and Azkadellia sat down heavily at her vanity. It seemed she didn't really have a choice but to get ready and report for duty. As she did everything for herself that a maid would normally take care of she thought about her sister, and she tried to push back her fears and doubts to find a way to help.
She made it downstairs before DG and Cain, and she nodded to Raw and Glitch, who were waiting for the party. She stiffly kissed her parents' cheeks and waited. The party's honorees were down moments later, and if you looked closely under the sheen of expertly applied makeup and artfully arranged fabrics you could see that DG was struggling. She leaned a bit heavier on Cain than usual, but she had clearly put on a mask to get through the night. Az knew too well how that felt, and shutting out the voice that horrible voice in her head that was constantly making her doubt her every move she reached over to take her sister's hand. Their eyes and hands held briefly, and she saw the appreciation in the younger woman's eyes before she squeezed her hand and they let go. It was something small, but it made Azkadellia feel more human than she had in a long time knowing that she had done some small thing to ease whatever was ailing her sister.
The party was just like any other. Az prayed to be invisible, but steeled herself for the inevitability of working the room and pretending she was strong. She kept to the edges of the crowd at the outskirts of the ballroom. More than once she saw DG excuse herself from a conversation. Sometimes she left the room entirely but more often she went looking for Cain. The former Tin Man looked more and more concerned for his wife every time he saw her, and Az found her traitorous mind wondering if anyone would ever care that deeply about her.
When DG excused herself for something like the fifth time in twenty minutes the Queen did as well, following DG to where she stood with Cain. Though her mother was the epitome of decorum Az could tell that DG was being chastised for her behavior. She could also tell from the way that her little sister's eyes were flashing that their quiet conversation had the potential of blowing up in the Queen's face. Cain spoke then and though she couldn't make out the words the timbre of his voice reached her from half way across the room, and she knew things were about to explode. The conversation was reaching a level now that Az could hear, and undoubtedly that several others could hear as well.
"DG you cannot neglect your guests," Lavender told her youngest daughter. "If you weren't feeling well we should have cancelled the party."
The Princess snorted. "Yeah, that was really going to happen. Me wanting nothing other than to spend the night with my husband in peace didn't make you cancel it; I doubt my feeling ill would have convinced you."
Her mother recoiled as if she'd been slapped and Cain shook his head. "Darlin' that's not fair."
Tears pricked at DG's eyes and she shook her head. "I know. I know you would have cancelled the party if I had asked, mother; that wasn't honest or fair of me. I just… God I just feel so awful right now."
The Queen reached out to touch her daughter's cheek and Az felt an ache grow in her chest as she wished for that simple intimacy. "What is wrong my angel?"
It was clear that DG was torn. She pulled away from her mother, her eyes darting between her and Cain. "It's nothing, really. I'm sure I'll be fine."
Ahamo took his place next to his wife. "Clearly there's something going on honey."
"DG please," Lavender pleaded. "Just tell us what's wrong."
The indecision was back on DG's face, written there plain as day. She looked from the concerned faces of her parents and over to Cain before shaking her head again. "It's fine."
Her parents urged her forward simultaneously with a firm 'DG' and 'Angel.'
Frustration was obviously the most prominent emotion in DG's world at that moment and it was all directed at her parents. "Damn it, I'm pregnant! Happy now?" she cried.
Four things happened simultaneously; Cain's eyes widened to the size of saucers, DG began to cry, the rest of the room went dead silent, and the glass in Azkadellia's hand slipped from her limp hand to shatter against the marble floors.
It only took a moment for the news to sink it, and a cheer rose up from the people of the O.Z. in attendance. It was as if DG didn't even hear; she only cared what Cain was thinking, and she turned from her parents to face the man who had been standing at her back. "Wyatt I'm so sorry, this wasn't how I wanted to tell you. I never wanted to have the party in the first place and then I found out and I just wanted to be able to have a night by ourselves to tell you, but everything had already been planned and…"
"Darlin', you're babbling," he told her.
"I know, I just…" She couldn't stop the tears pouring down her cheeks. "This wasn't how I was supposed to tell you."
Cain brushed at the tears on her cheeks. "It doesn't matter. I guess that explains why you've been so miserable," he commented.
DG laughed and nuzzled his hand. "That would be the reason yes."
"We're having a baby"
"We're having a baby," she confirmed.
Cain's hand traveled down to rest momentarily on his wife's stomach. Then in a completely uncharacteristic move he let out a cry of joy and pulled her into his arms. DG's laughter rang out across the ballroom and another cheer rose up. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too."
Azkadellia felt as if the walls of the ballroom had closed in on her. A baby. What would her presence do to a child? How could she ever explain to her niece or nephew that half of the O.Z. feared her or hated her? What would that do to a child growing up, hearing from the other children how their aunt was evil? What would happen the first time another child told DG and Cain's son or daughter that Azkadellia had killed or tortured their loved one? How could they ever understand?
And how would she deal with that little life? She could barely handle physical contact with her parents and sister, so how in the world would she tell a tiny child that she couldn't hug them, couldn't play with them; what would that make them feel?
Questions and doubts were swirling through her head faster than she could even attempt to find answers for them. All of the sudden her life had turned into an even greater unknown. She wanted desperately to be able to run to her sister, hug her and kiss her and Cain and congratulate them both. Instead she was paralyzed by fear; rooted to the floor as it occurred to her that this baby would mean the rest of the world truly passing her by. Everyone else would move forward with this new life that would be joining them. Az would stay exactly where she was, unable to go back to who she was before the witch, unable to move forward after what the witch had done to her.
She barely registered the hand that took her arm. Suddenly she felt herself being led out of the room. A voice spoke up from next to her and she knew she should recognize it, as she should have known the one that responded, but all she could see and hear were the damning thoughts taking everything over. Az knew she was being taken somewhere rather purposefully, but it didn't matter where. Nothing mattered in that moment.
A small gust of air alerted her to a door closing behind them and a few moments later gentle hands on her shoulder encouraged her to sit; she did so easily. The same gentle hands pushed her head between her legs and she breathed deeply. Funny, she hadn't even realized she'd been hyperventilating. The breathing helped, and after a few minutes she felt steady enough to open her eyes. She recognized the beautiful veined marble floors of her mother's office and saw a pair of shined boots in front of her. All in all, Az wasn't sure she was ready to see who had come to her rescue, but she knew it was only a matter of time before it would become absolutely necessary so she bit the bullet and sat up.
She probably shouldn't have been surprised to find Glitch standing in front of her. It was just one more thing to chalk up to her horrible luck, having to be rescued and forced to breathe with her head in between her legs by the man she'd been pining over. "You doing okay Azkadee?" he asked.
Az shook her head. "No, I'm really not," she said quietly.
He knew she wasn't too keen on being touched, so when he sat he was careful to keep to his side of the seat. "Anything I can do about it?"
"I don't think you can fix me Ambrose."
Glitch smiled. "You sure? I do know a thing or two about being broken," he told her, unconsciously scratching his head where a zipper had been.
The gesture sent an arrow of pain shooting into her heart. "Why don't you hate me?" she whispered.
"What?" He looked completely taken aback. "Why would I hate you?"
"You of all people should. After what was done to you how can you even stand to look at me?"
He shook his head. "Last time I checked Doll, the witch did that to me, not you."
"It means the same thing," she told him.
"No it doesn't Azkadellia. You were possessed and helpless; you couldn't have stopped what the witch did to me."
She felt tears in her eyes and hated herself for it; she spent too much time crying. "Maybe I didn't fight hard enough."
Glitch's eyes met hers and she wasn't sure what she saw in them. "Do you really believe that?"
"No, I fought as hard as I could every day, she was too strong."
"There you go then."
Az nodded and brushed a hand over her skirts. "Yes, there I go. I should get back and congratulate my sister."
She was on her feet and halfway to the door when he spoke. "Why do you always pretend that you're happy and coping when you're not?" he asked.
"Why on earth would you think I'm pretending," she asked, cursing her quavering voice.
"I notice a lot more since I got my brain back Azkadee. You think I haven't noticed the look in your eyes when someone turns away from you or says something hurtful?"
"Glitch I…"
He shook his head. "You think I don't see the way you look like you're ready to run in the opposite direction whenever you have to speak to some noble? I see it; I see how miserable you feel when you touch someone and can't help but pull your hand away after a few moments and the way you shy away when anyone tries to touch you. So why do you pretend that everything is okay?"
She would never be sure why she hadn't just turned and walked from the room; she had every intention of doing so, but for some reason she found herself walking back to sit down again. "I'm afraid," she admitted.
"We're all afraid doll."
"I know, but we aren't all walking around with he face of a woman who was feared by the entirety of the O.Z; and don't tell me it doesn't matter, because it does to me."
"I wasn't going to."
Az swallowed hard before continuing. "So many people are afraid of me, and if they aren't afraid they think I'm lying about being possessed by the witch. It hurts more than anyone could ever know to know that. But no matter what anyone says about me or thinks of me, I'm a princess of the O.Z. Everyone has expectations of me, and just imagine how bad things would be if everyone who is against me knew how I feel. They would take advantage of my vulnerability and guilt any way they could."
"That doesn't mean that you have to hide the fact that you're in pain," he told her.
"No, it doesn't, but there are things in this world more important than my issues," she said. "And even if things were different, I don't know how to be any other way. I wish every day that I could find a way to fix myself. Do you think I like that I enjoy not being able to touch anyone for more than about ten seconds? Do you think I'm happy about the fact that I can't stand to be touched and never feel loved or wanted because of my own issues?"
"Azkadellia…"
She ignored his protests. "You brought it up Glitch, you can listen. Do you honestly think that I'm happy about envying my sister's happiness so much that my heart aches; that it makes me happy that I can't have the things I want most in the world because I've been tainted by the past?"
"What do you want more than anything in the world?" he questioned.
She found it was impossible to just sit, so she stood "A family of my own, the things that every little girl dreams of. I want someone who's love won't be contingent upon anything. Not someone who loves me in spite of what happened to me or even though I'm damaged goods; someone who loves me because I survived what I did. I want what DG has. I want to know what it is to carry a baby and bring a new life into the world while someone who loves me unconditionally cheers me on. Damn it I just want to be normal and I don't know how!"
Glitch watched in silence as Azkadellia finally came to a stop, her chest heaving as she fought to catch her breath. It was the most emotion he had seen from her in years, and he wasn't quite sure how to respond to what she was saying. Over the years, though, he had discovered that complete honesty was usually the best plan, so he decided to tell the elder Princess exactly what he thought. "Want to hear what I think?"
"Why not," she said, feeling a little hysterical.
"I think that you're a lot stronger than you think, because how else where you able to survive all those years with the witch? I think that more than anything in the world you need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just let yourself feel. If you're angry, be angry. If you're hurt, be hurt. I know you're worried about being vulnerable, but if you show what you're feeling everyone will see that you're human just like them."
She was too overwhelmed to do anything but listen, so she kept her mouth shut and sat down again. There was a pause before he spoke again and she knew he was gathering his thoughts.
When Glitch spoke again his voice was softer. "I think that there isn't any kind of taint or stain on you because of the witch, because you were only a child when you were given no choice of what happened to you. I think you're a beautiful, sensitive and talented woman. And more importantly, I think you're just that, a woman. What's most important isn't that you're a victim of circumstance or a princess or a survivor. What matters the most is that you're a woman who deserves to have everything she wants."
All Azkadellia could manage to do was sit there and stare. She was pretty sure that her mouth was hanging open rather unattractively, but she couldn't seem to do anything about it. Hadn't she been wishing for this? Hadn't she wished for someone to tell her exactly what had just come out of Glitch's mouth ever since she had found DG and Cain wrapped in each others' arms years before? Hadn't she been dying over the fact that this man sitting next to her wouldn't even be more than a friend?
She'd been wishing for so long for someone to see her as more than the sum of her experiences and issues that she wasn't sure what to do with herself. It turned out that she didn't have to do anything. She was frozen in place as Glitch leaned over and kissed her.
Az felt herself pulled in two directions. One part of her was starting to feel her usual panic at prolonged contact. Another and just slightly larger part of her was purely and elementally taken in by sensation.
He pulled away quickly, grinning at her. "I figure that counts as within your limits."
"So it would seem," she said breathlessly.
Glitch stood but kept his eyes on hers. "Take some time doll, work through everything you've been feeling tonight; but come find me when you want to test those limits of yours."
He had slipped away mere seconds later and she found that she couldn't seem to move from her seat. Shell shocked was a minor way of describing what she was feeling. When DG and Cain had finally gotten their act together, Az had hoped that one day she would stumble over her someone. It would seem that she had done just that.
She knew it would take time for her to get to a place where she would be able to deal with intimate contact. It would be a while before she was able to accept that she could show her emotions and realize that though her family was important, she didn't need to pretend for them. There was a long road ahead of her, that was sure; but for the first time in a long time she felt that there may be hope. She'd been kissed and hadn't panicked at someone's touch. She knew now that she really could have the things she dreamed of. And most importantly she knew that though it would take time, she could heal; and when she did, there would be someone waiting for her. Someone who saw her for who she really was; just a woman. Nothing less, nothing more.