The Everyday Life of Hermes

Let's get something straight. I deserve a paycheck no matter what my dad tells you. Whenever I ask him for one he goes all, "No, son, your paycheck is living on Olympus," and then I'm all, "Dad! Then why are you giving all of the other Olympians paychecks for doing nothing?" That's when he grits his teeth and says, "No! They have very important jobs!"

As if. Aphrodite has a pass time. Hephaestus has a hobby. Artemis has one huge vacation. Apollo has the privilege to drive. Athena dances through life with her brains and everything. What do I have? I have an employment, to carry the mail to and fro.

Dad says, "Son, your reward is the Ambrosia that renews you immortality." Okay, so I have to work for this stuff while all Aphrodite has to do is walk into the room and say, "Hi Daddy!"

Gods, that old man is so annoying. And it's not like he ever says thank you.

And then there's my kids to worry about. I have a psycho son who convinced himself that I don't love him, a set of twins, and a whole cabin full of kids who rob banks on a weekly basis. I am so-o not paid enough.

And, to make matters worse, I have two ratty snakes that act like children that I have to carry around all day.

This morning, once I woke up, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen to see Athena HOGGING the Lucky Charms. "No!" I shouted, "Those are MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!"

Athena, who was digging through her bowl counting up how many rainbow marshmallows she had, ignored me. I chose this opportunity to grab the box of cereal. "Hey!" she protested and grabbed the end of the box as I poured. She yanked it closer to her but I kept my grip. "Come on!" I shouted and started complaining about my lack of hourglass marshmallows.

Athena sniffed indignantly, protested about how she was missing out on rainbows until dad threatened to ground us and I got the box! That was a pretty good thing about my day.

As dad left grumbling about marriage counseling and my evil step mother, Hera, went to get her nails done, I finished up breakfast with Athena insulting my intelligence every five minutes. Finally she finished and said, "I gotta go, my turn to coach the game."

"Oh yeah," I said, swirling my spoon around in my bowl, "How are the wise huntresses doing?" I guess you're confused right now. Athena and Artemis teamed up to make a soccer team, like other Olympians. The Wise Huntresses were playing the championship game today against the Shining Warriors, a team managed by Apollo and Ares. I sighed into my bowl, because Ares was coaching for the Shining Warriors today, not Apollo. That meant I had no time to rob him of his cows. Dang.

Athena shrugged. "I've got a plan. We're sure to beat those losers today."

Ares, who was eaves dropping at the door, foolishly stepped in. "Yeah right!" he exclaimed, passing gas as he did, which made me regret letting Hera serve us chilly last night. "There is no way a bunch of sissy girls are gonna beat us!"

He might've taunted her more, but Athena had jabbed a spear into his thigh. "You were saying?" she asked, giving the spear a twist to allow the ichor to pour out.

Ares screamed in his throat, pulled out a sword, andtried to scare off Athena. He swung at her, but she ducked, pulled the spear out of his leg, and jabbed again in… umm… do I really have to say it?

Ares screamed a shrill, girly scream and swung at Athena's stomach, but it just clanked off of her. My sister was paranoid and always wore her armor.

I was on the edge of my seat, now, eating Lucky Charms as if it were popcorn.

Athena gave a final blow to the head, and walked off with her nose in the air. Ares curled up on the floor whimpering like an injured puppy. I put my bowl in the sink and scooted away, not wanting to be the subject of Hera's ranting when she came home and felt so sorry for her "poor baby".

I grabbed my mail bag which was magic so that everytime someone sent a letter to me when I'm not wearing it, the letter would appear in the bag. But when I was wearing it, I had to go get the letter. UGH! Thanks A LOT dad.

I flew around and delivered the usual mail. "Jury duty for Zeus," I laughed, dropping a letter in his mail box.

I reached in and pulled out a pink envelope that smelled like goat. "Another love note to Artemis from Grover Underwood?" I said, bewildered. I dropped the pink sheet in a shredder like Artemis had instructed me too. After a week of nonstop letters, it had gotten to be too much for her.

I heard voices coming from my pocket. It's my hourglass marshmallow said a male voice.

Haha, yeah right, said a female, now fork it over, Curious George.

I opened the bag and pulled out George and Martha. "What are you doing," I sighed.

Martha took my Luck Charms Marshmallow, Complained Georg, and she bit me when I took it back.

"That's it," I said, pressing the vibrate button. Martha tried to shout "NO!" but she couldn't say anything. Then I took the marshmallow and popped in my mouth. "Now it's mine," I taunted, swallowing the colorful lump of sugar. I dropped my phone in my bag just as an alarm on my watch went off. Artemis was summoning me.

Let's skip to a little while after that and say that I made lots of money after my delivery to Artemis. HA, yeah, and I didn't give is too her free if that's what you're thinking.

Well, anyway, I gave the letter to dad and hung up my mail bag. I did not want to deliver anything else, so I strolled into the throne room which was empty.

My god of thieves senses kicked in as I looked around the room. Smiling I ran to Dad's throne and picked up his lightning bolt. "Hermes!" I shouted. "You no longer have to deliver mail. You are free to lounge about while I make Aphrodite the messenger of the gods."

I set down the lightning bolt and ran to Aphrodite's throne, picking up the golden gridle, Aphrodite's symbol of power. "Like, daddy," I said falsetto, "That is like, so unfair. You should make Hermes master god."

I ran back to Zeus's throne and took up the bolt. "Right you are. Hermes, I am retiring. You may now be King of all Gods... and you have permission to cast your evil stepmother into Tartaraus."

Then I ran back to the middle of the room and said, "Gee thanks dad!"

Someone behind me cleared their throat. I turned and came face to face with Dad.

"Oh, hi dad," I said nervously. Dad rose an eyebrow and we stood in awkward silence. "Umm," Is said, "How much of the did you hear?"

"Well," said dad, his eyes filled with disapproval. "About from 'Hermes, you no longer have to deliver mail.'"

I gulped. "Umm, say dad. Did you ever notice that the word 'Deliver' sounds like taking out someone's liver? Because the suffix 'De' means remove and liver as in the organ in your body."

Dad was not amused. "It could be dangerous, mimicking the gods like that. As a punishment, I'm going to deduct money from your paycheck."

My jaw dropped. "Dad!" I said, "I don't get a paycheck!"

"Well now you don't," he responded.

"I never did," I argued, bewildered.

"Don't you give me that back sass, young man. Go to your room."

I shook my head, kicked at my flying sandal, and flew off. I only stopped once on the way to my room to steal a cow of Apollo's while he was watching a nymph trying to get out of a tree with her skirt caught in it. I named the cow Anna when I got to my room. As I sat there, daydreaming, I figured that my day had been pretty successful.