Stop crying. You're making me feel bad.

Junpei woke up and stared at the ceiling for awhile. It was Sunday now, no need to get up for classes. He'd probably just go down to the manga cafe later or maybe the convenience store. They had all agreed that the best thing to do was to just keep living normally... He sat up and rubbed his face. That was kind of a joke, really. None of them had had normal lives for a long time now. Junpei's "normal" life had ended the night he had been found in the convenience store, sobbing, huddled in a forest of coffins. Senpai hadn't told him not to cry then. Senpai hadn't said much of anything. Junpei's primary memories from that night weren't of any words spoken; he remembered a hand reaching down to pull him up, the feel of the leather against his own clammy palm, the red wool he crushed his face against and the way his tears didn't soak into it but just stood there reminding him how weak he was being. No, Senpai didn't say a word about how he needed to be a man and stop crying. That kind of thing had come later. Thinking back to the night they fought each other, Junpei forced himself to replay what had happened afterwards.

Senpai hadn't cried.

He sat up and scanned the floor for his jeans. Junpei had been wondering, since that night, what had really happened. A lot of it didn't make sense to him, especially his part in it. Why had he done that? Sure, he had been mad...and sure, he knew that half the girls at Gekkodan desperately wanted to make it with Akihiko-senpai, but...Akihiko was a guy. Even if he'd made Junpei suspect Senpai was into guys, that didn't make Junpei into guys. All that stuff he had said about there not being a "right" girl right now didn't justify what they had done. Well...what Junpei had done. Akihiko certainly hadn't asked for any of that...did that make him a...? Junpei frowned miserably.

Then he balled up a fist and slammed it against the bed. Senpai could have fought him off...right? Senpai had still been in better shape than him by far. Surely, he could have sent Junpei to the floor with one good punch just like he had later that morning. So he must have wanted it...god, what am I thinking. The hell of it was that Senpai hadn't done anything after that. Junpei had fully expected to die that day or at latest, the next of massive blunt trauma from those gloved fists. But that day went by and then the next, and the next, and Akihiko-senpai never tried anything. That was a lot worse, letting Junpei get away with something like that. If it was him, he'd have at least--

Junpei froze in the act of sliding into his shirt. That was, of course, the answer. If it was him. He gulped. If it was him, he was sure as fuck going to cry and try to get away and in general embarass the hell out of himself. But...well, that was just kind of fair, wasn't it? It might be the only way he could ever make up for it, if there even was a way. But did he want to make up for it that badly? Akihiko-senpai had been, well, fine ever since it happened. Junpei had found himself being almost irritated about it. They were a little cooler to each other than they had been, but that was about it. It didn't seem to have affected a damned thing. Maybe Senpai was so tough he didn't even care? No... Junpei shook his head. I'm just trying to make myself feel better. The Senpai that had picked a fight with him and then later had thrown the fight...panting there and letting Junpei do things to him that Junpei didn't even really know about before, just kind of had to make up as he went along...that Senpai had very definite emotions and weaknesses. Akihiko just didn't like to show that side, apparently. But it wasn't like Junpei could try and pretend it wasn't there. And he owed that side a big, BIG apology.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Akihiko didn't look up from repairing his gloves. "What is it?"

"We need to talk." Junpei spoke between mouthfuls of cup noodles.

"No we don't."

Junpei bit the side of his tongue angrily and set down the empty container. "Come on, dammit, you know what I mean. I still gotta apologize."

"I don't need your apology."

"But..." Junpei frowned uncertainly.

Akihiko looked up at him then, coldly. "You feel bad and you want me to make you feel better. Sorry, no."

"No, I..." Junpei paused. ...is that what I'm doing?

"Glad I could help you sort that out. Now get lost." Akihiko's head bent to his gloves again.

If Akihiko had bothered to keep looking, he would have seen the crushed expression on Junpei's face. As it was, he still unwillingly caught the words Junpei muttered as he shuffled his way over to the main lobby doors. "I'd do anything to make this better, Senpai...I really would."

Akihiko gave no sign that he had heard. He only looked up again after the doors had opened and then swung shut a moment later.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Hours later, the rain caught Junpei as he was heading back. He cursed and ran for the dorm but didn't make it into the lobby before it started pouring hard. As it was, he was drenched when he wrenched open one of the double doors and flung himself inside, swearing. He whipped off his jacket and stood there shivering for a moment, rain dripping off the rim of his hat, before he bothered to look to see if anyone else was back yet. It was about as bad as it could be...Fuuka and Mitsuru-senpai were there, and both of them were staring at him open-mouthed. He had forgotten the bruises.

Junpei laughed it off and made a show of embarassment over his wet clothes. "What, you ladies never seen a Wet T Shirt contest before? 'Course, I'm a guy..." and tried to get to the stairs as quickly as possible. Of course he didn't make it. Mitsuru stayed in her seat but Fuuka rushed over, worried about the terrible marks that Junpei's jacket and winter uniform had kept everyone ignorant of until now. Normally so shy, she was examining him now, asking him how had he gotten them, when? Some of the ones on his ribs were still dark enough to show through his shirt. He supposed it really must look pretty bad.

"Aw, you're embarassing me, Fuuka!" Junpei tugged characteristically at his hat and just barely perceptibly began backing away. "You know how much trouble we had last time we went to Tartarus. Guess I just bruise easy." Fuuka wasn't anywhere near satisfied with that, he could tell, but she was too polite to press the issue. He said something or other about getting a hot shower and escaped upstairs. He was in such a hurry to get to his room for dry clothes that he blew past Akihiko in the lounge. By the time he came back out to go shower the lounge was empty.

Back in his room, Akihiko stood with his back to his door. He had seen the bruises too, but they didn't have the same effect on him that they had had on the girls. Concern wasn't what made his hands shake and his breathing refuse to slow down. He hadn't expected them to still be so dark this much later. They were a more visceral reminder of the other night than Junpei's pathetic attempts to talk to him about it. He was reminded more than ever of the things that had gone through his mind, the things he had wanted to do to Junpei. Holding back hadn't solved anything then; Junpei had just done all of those things to him instead. Akihiko supposed that was why he hadn't really resisted him...because he understood.

I'd do anything to make this better.

If Junpei would do anything, that meant he would let Akihiko do that. That and anything else Akihiko wanted to do. He knew that was what Junpei had meant earlier, of course, but he hadn't thought then that he really wanted it. He was focused on getting stronger now, like he should have been earlier. He knew how he was going to face everything; he had a plan again. In the face of that he was eager to put his moment of weakness behind him and ignore any distractions. But...even if he could shut Junpei up he couldn't shut up those bruises. They reproached him for leaving things unfinished. Akihiko wondered at what point he had slid down to sit on the floor. He rubbed one of his arms absentmindedly and decided to end the distraction once and for all before Junpei's bruises had healed.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

"Don't you ever lock your door?"

The question, flung across the silent room, had jolted him awake. Junpei's heart lept to his mouth, but he tried not to show it when he answered. "Nah...Mitsuru-senpai even got on to me about it one time. Thought I'd had my room broken into...didn't realize it's just always messy..." The flow of his words stopped as he felt the weight of one knee and then another settle on his bed.

Junpei waited breathlessly, but nothing else happened. Finally he asked "So...what did you need?" just to have something to say. The room was almost pitch-black, aside from Senpai's weight there was nothing to show he was really there if he didn't talk. It made Junpei feel like he was still alone, when he wasn't. Still Senpai didn't answer.

Suddenly he felt an arm next to his cheek. The sleeve brushed him while Akihiko felt around for the switch to the bedside lamp, and then a moment later Junpei blinked painfully as the room was lit again. The light wasn't too bright; Junpei had brought it from home where he had to sneak around if he wanted to read late, but it was much too bright for him right now. He found it very hard to look at Akihiko's face. Akihiko wasn't looking at Junpei's face either. His eyes were on Junpei's body, and a moment later Junpei felt his shirt being pushed up. He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side, guessing correctly what was coming next. He winced as Senpai's fingertips traced the different marks and wondered distractedly why he never took those stupid gloves off if he could help it. It wasn't like his hands were deformed or anything...Junpei hissed suddenly as he felt teeth next but he didn't push Akihiko away this time.

After awhile Akihiko sat up, like he had finished with whatever he came to do. Junpei looked down at himself almost expecting to see some new message written into his skin...it had felt a little like that somehow. But no, the only message there was days old. "Why are you still in your uniform? It's got to be really late."

"I haven't gone to bed yet." Akihiko still didn't really look at him. Junpei sat up a little, uncomfortably. "Look, I know you told me yesterday not to apologize, but I'm sorry. I don't even really know why I did..." Junpei gulped. "...that." Senpai didn't move or react, so Junpei stumbled on. "I hurt you, right? Or at least, embarassed you? I shouldn't have said that stuff about you, either..." God, at least look at me or something. "Anyway, I'm a lot more messed up than you...you just wanted to let some steam off, I don't even have an excuse--" Akihiko's hands slammed down on either side of Junpei's face so suddenly that he shrank back against the headboard and his words rang out across the quiet room like gunshots. "Dammit! Can't you ever just shut up?!" Junpei, terrified now, babbled that he'd try. After they'd stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity, though, Junpei found himself wanting to break that horrible silence again. Instead he bit his lip and wished he had somewhere else to look. He had wanted Senpai to acknowledge him earlier, but now their faces were too close together and Akihiko was looking intently at him like Junpei was supposed to do something. And Junpei had never been good with tests. Finally, he tried kissing him.

He was immediately backhanded across the face. When he had recovered a little, he forced himself to look back up at Senpai, who otherwise hadn't moved, dreading the expression he would see on his face. But Akihiko-senpai's expression hadn't changed. When Junpei couldn't help frowning in confusion, Senpai even smiled. Junpei realized with a sick feeling that it was the same smile Senpai got on his face before he destroyed Shadows. But Akihiko didn't hit him again. "You've got some nerve. Do you think I'll let you do that again?"

"What?!" Junpei was outraged. "NO!" Akihiko's expression wavered a little. "Then why--" Junpei shifted his legs and looked away. "I wasn't sure what you wanted me to do." Then he flinched as Akihiko started to laugh. It wasn't a good sound.

"Listen." Akihiko clamped Junpei's chin in one hand and jerked it up roughly to face him. "You don't know the first thing about what I want."

Junpei nodded. "Y-yeah, I really don't."

Unexpectedly, Akihiko let him go. "This is stupid...I'm going to bed." He sat back on his heels and turned to go. Junpei knew it was suicidal, but he touched Senpai's arm anyway.

"But...I mean, did you do whatever you came here to do? Are you okay now?"

Akihiko sat there motionless on the bed and Junpei guessed he wasn't going to answer. Then he turned back and Junpei had to catch his breath. Senpai really did look lost.

It was kind of painful to look back at that, so Junpei looked down. Besides, if he looked at Senpai's face he wouldn't be able to do what he started to do now...pulling his shirt off the rest of the way, tossing his boxers after it a minute later. Still not facing him, he reached over and turned off the light. Akihiko-senpai would leave, or he wouldn't. It was that simple. Junpei settled back in his bed and closed his eyes, covering them with his forearm. He tried very hard not to move.

Hands found his wrists and clamped around them, pinning them to the bed on either side. Even if he had changed his mind then he wouldn't have been able to struggle. The hands around his wrists tightened further and Junpei started a little when he realized Senpai wasn't wearing his gloves now. Then he shuddered as he felt rough wool sliding against the length of his body, burning him a little and making everything itch. He started to tilt his head back but Akihiko's mouth found his and kept him there. He didn't bite this time, but Junpei could tell he was trying to find the place again. He groaned and struggled out of some impulse other than protest.

Akihiko released one of Junpei's hands and grabbed him, squeezing his hand around him to emphasize his words. "Is this what you wanted?" He got a little rougher and Junpei dug his fingers into his shoulder but couldn't answer. "What the hell's wrong with you? Aren't you the one who likes guys?" Junpei still didn't answer, and Akihiko hissed, "Pervert."

Junpei wanted to feel insulted or hurt by that, but in all reality he just got harder. Akihiko seemed to realize this and paused uncertainly. Junpei saw his way to apologize and pounced on it. "You're right...it must have been me the whole time. Please, Senpai, I'm begging you...don't stop...take it all out on me, because I'm pretty sure I want you to." Junpei waited, still clutching at the sweater, stretching it out. He could feel Akihiko's chest starting to heave and he knew he'd gotten him, especially a moment later when his hand started to move again. "I don't know...beg me some more."

He panted and kept begging until Akihiko told him to shut up and started struggling to get out of his uniform. Junpei tried to help and got shoved back against the bed for his trouble. He wished he had the balls to turn on the light and see what Senpai looked like right now, but he knew that would ruin everything. So he stayed where he was, listening to the sounds of irritation and impatience Akihiko made as he worked his way out of everything and flung it to the ground. Then he was being pressed back against the bed by that weight again and Senpai's mouth was everywhere. It had memorized every bruise. Junpei risked finding Akihiko's head and clenching his fingers in his hair; he had to do something to mitigate the pain. At the same time though, he was throbbing. He didn't have to act this time when he begged.

Akihiko obeyed and flipped him over. Junpei hissed as Akihiko bit a trail down one of his sides, reaching back at the same time to start working him loose. He didn't know any more than Junpei did about this kind of thing, of course, so he just followed his lead from before. He panted against the small of Junpei's back and kept steadily working him in front, too, so that Junpei curled up and dug his fingers into the bed desperately. Senpai's hands were strong to the point where it almost hurt, but it was so good...feeling him like this inside and out Junpei gasped and felt himself spinning out of control. In the dark he had no idea if his eyes were closed or open. Finally he choked out something or other about doing it now, and the sound of his own voice shocked him.

He almost passed out in the next moment when Senpai grabbed his hips and roughly pulled their bodies together, but they were both no strangers to pain now. Akihiko seemed to realize a moment later that he had to be gentler than that and it gradually got better. Junpei's breathing became a little more even and he settled his upper body against the bed, eyes drifting shut. He moved with Akihiko-senpai easily, and the rhythm turned into something that felt as natural and constant as breathing. Akihiko wasn't satisfied with only that, though. He found Junpei's face and forced his chin up, gentler his time, until the two of them were pressed together, their mouths locked. It was harder to stay like that, but it was kind of nice, and Junpei let Akihiko steadily drive him to the edge and then push him over. After that things were less clear.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

The next morning it took a minute or two for Junpei's alarm to finally penetrate his dreams and force him to the surface. When he finally woke up, he lay there blinking stupidly for awhile, feeling like he was made of lead. Finally the covers next to him started squirming around and a muffled voice swore at Junpei to turn that fucking thing off or he would break it. Junpei blinked again and lifted up the corner of his blanket to reveal Akihiko half on and half off him, stretching and yawning irritably. Strangely enough though, when Senpai slid off him and sat up, the leaden feeling in Junpei's limbs didn't go away. He tried moving around with mixed results while Akihiko grumbled and swatted at the alarm clock.

Finally, Akihiko turned back to him. Junpei grabbed defensively at the sheets just in case he decided to punch him again, but it didn't happen. Instead, Senpai rubbed his arm a little self-consciously and asked, "Can you move?" Junpei opened his mouth to ask what kind of stupid question was that, but then he closed it again. "Not a lot, I guess." Akihiko just kind of nodded like that wasn't very surprising, and looked out the window. After another minute or two Junpei managed to drag himself into a sitting position.

Akihiko got out of bed and started finding his clothes. It took a minute or two and Junpei watched him while he did it, then continued to watch as he got dressed. "If you're going to school you need to get up soon," he remarked offhandedly as he pulled on one of his gloves. Junpei just kind of shrugged. He had no idea if he was going to try to go to school. Akihiko didn't press the issue; normally he would have lectured him, Junpei realized. His thoughts were broken up a moment later when his senpai unexpectedly leaned down and pulled him over.

A few moments later Junpei opened his eyes again, a little dazed. "W-what the hell was that?"

"Your stupid goodbye kiss." Akihiko shut the door behind him.