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Well, I've decided my roommate is indeed a slut. Not that there was really any debate about it, but she definitely had some guy in our dorm last night. Who she later told me she met at Bradford's Bar. I mean can't she be a little considerate? I was trying to get some shut-eye and all I can hear is her sucking face with some guy. I mean really, and then they leave the room. Thank God, finally a prayer that was answered. I mean I rather him have granted one of my other ones, like to have a satellite randomly fall on her, for her to drop out, or for her to be eternally miserable. But at least I know he's half listening to what I'm saying.
Anyways I woke up at four in the mourning to see her coming back into the room. She's giggling and she's so obviously drunk. So then we had a very pleasant conversation that went like this:
"Well, well, well, where has Princess Ivy been?"
"I went out for some air"
"Uh huh, so how far did you get?"
"You know, talking to you is as pleasant as root-canal surgery"
"Yeah, well, talking to you is as pleasant as being trampled by a stampede of homicidal eleph-"
"Will you stop talking? Please, for one fucking moment. You don't always have to have the last word. Did you know that?" I don't say anything, "Whatever, I'm going to bed; don't wake me up in the morning. I'm going to sleep in, okay?"
"Sure"
"Goodnight"
"Night slut."
My cock sucking whore of a roommate might not have realized this but I had the last word of this argument, and that knowledge alone helped me drift back into an hour and half long slumber. She's asleep right now, and class starts in a little so I think I'm going to take off.
You know this thing might not be so bad after all.
-Nadia
Immediately following the last time I wrote in here I began to talk with Jason. He told me, again, that I was the only one for him, and I think I believe him. He can't help it if he's the hottest guy in the history of hot guys. He also said he wanted to make it up to me somehow. So I'm expecting a kiss or something like that—
He took me out that night, something he has never done for me before, and that is how I know he is really sorry about what I saw in the hallway. He made reservations at a really small place three hours away; it took a couple of taxis to get us there. But it was worth it. Although, there are moments that I don't like being with Jason in public, everything we do has to be so robotic. He makes a script and we have to follow it. And in his attempt to keep our romance a secret, Jason refuses to do anything other than talk in public. He even made a set of rules while the taxi drove us.
1. No hugging.
2. No kissing
3. No flirting
4. No cuddling
5. No sitting by me
6. No hand holding
7. No talking or hinting about the above things mentioned
It was nice though. I mean, I'm sure to any other couple it would be as boring as hell. Just sitting and talking, but it was so much more for me. I can't really describe it in words, it was just so terrific. After we ate we went walking outside, and that's when we saw them. One had short curly brown hair and the other had spiky blonde hair. We probably wouldn't have given them a second thought if it weren't for the fact that Jason, who claims that he never gets lost, got us lost. So, we walked up to them and asked for directions.
"Hey do you know where…" Jason's voice trailed off. And then I saw what he did. The curly haired boy was holding the hand of the blonde boy. Their finger laced together in a tangle of social taboo and deep passion.
"Is there a problem?" Curly haired asked.
"No, there's not a problem." I realize Jason is in a state of shock that has left him speechless, so I take over the conversation "Uhm, do you know where Oakwood Street is? We're meeting a taxi there." I asked them as Jason still stood flabbergasted staring down at their interlocked fingers.
"You turn right, and then left, go down three streets, and then another right and that should take you to Oakwood. Is your friend okay?" Spiky was starring at Jason.
"I'm fine" Jason said finally coming back into reality "Are you together?"
"Yes" they answered at the same time. "Are you?" this came from Spiky Hair.
Then the most wonderful thing happened. Jason put his arm around my waist and said to them, "Yes we are" and placed a kiss on my head. We interlock our fingers, and it was like we were staring at our mirror image. In that moment I was overcome with emotion, I felt the heat that radiated from Jason's palm and the sweat that told me how nervous he was, how he was praying nobody would walk around the corner and see us. I could feel the social taboo and deep passion. It felt magnificent.
"He's a keeper" Curly Hair whispered to me as we walked past them.
"I know" I told him and then when we rounded the corner Jason released his grip and we walked the entire way to the taxi without saying so much as a single word to each other. Typical Jason, ignoring all emotions or penetrating thoughts that he has.
He told me on the way home that his actions were spur of the moment, and even though he doesn't regret them, we will never be doing that in public again. Still, I can't help but shake this amazing feeling out of my system. That night was so special and it made me truly know how much Jason really did love me. I love him too.
-Peter S.
Nadia just doesn't get me. She acts like she knows me, but she really doesn't. Right now, I'm not even sure if I know myself. At this age, I don't think anyone completely knows themselves. But if she just knew the shit I had to put up with she wouldn't talk so much crap about me. If she walked a mile in my shoes she would collapse after the first half and realize that my life is no walk in the park.
So what if drinking helps me? Who is she to judge me? Here's the thing, I wouldn't care if she tried and we didn't get along, but she makes no effort at all. And because she doesn't make an effort – neither do I. She spends half the time playing that dumb instrument and the other half making fun of me. Seriously, she needs to grow up!
It's all about her! She thinks everything is about her, that she is the only thing that matters. Well she isn't! And she complains about herself every second! I mean there are parts about me that I don't like either, but I know that it's up to me to change them, and if I don't that's my own fault. I'm not going to broadcast to the world that I don't like who I am – obviously Nadia on the other hand has absolutely no problem doing this.
-Ivy
Last night was great and awful all at the same time. I don't know if I've ever felt such a range of complex emotions. I took Peter out, which was something I know he's yearned to do since we first started our relationship. It was just something I had never really been ready to do. The entire engagement really made me nervous, but I had two prominent fears, Father finding out and my father finding out. I always have this gut feeling that Peter and I can never escape the eyes of our community, that no matter where we go, we'll know someone there. And that someone would run and tell the whole world about what they saw. Surely there are more people who feel this way, but I always feel alone.
We ran into another couple. And, they were just so – normal. It made me realize that if we actually came out, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then again I just sense that it would be. Those guys probably aren't Catholic boarding school attendees, who pray for forgiveness at every waking moment. This entire situation has me really confused about everything. To tell, or not to tell, that is the question.
I think I've found the answer, for now we'll keep it as our little secret. Maybe one day we could tell someone. One day in the distant future.
I read somewhere that these journals can be therapeutic, but I think they are just causing me more problems. It's making me think about everything I've been trying not to remember, and it's making me realize that these feelings just aren't going away.
Peter is my greatest joy, and yet I can't help but know I cause him pain that could easily be avoided without me. That bothers me so much. I want to be everything he needs but I'm scared. There! I said it, Jason McConnell is terrified. He doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know where to go from here.
-Jason
P.S.
He's back to using pencils.