"Can I come in?" John Paul asked, his feet shuffling nervously on the doorstep. He felt like a teenager again, he WAS a teenager again.

"Of course..."

The door was opened wide to let the young blonde man step over the threshold. He looked at the familiar surroundings of the home that he hadn't visited for so many years and yet had only been in days ago, and the familiar smile of the mother who hadn't aged because the time hadn't yet passed. Trying to reconcile the memories of the present with the knowledge of his past that had never happened made John Paul's head spin and he closed his eyes to steady himself. As much as he knew he needed to cling onto the memories for now he also longed for the day when he could let them go and just be himself again, just be aware of one life and one future and escape the dark shadows of the life he had lived and then died through.

"John Paul, hi..."

John Paul's eyes opened at the sound of his name and he smiled as his friend approached.

"Hannah." She still looked beautiful, just like the angel that had come to save him, but already he could see the signs. She looked thinner than she used to, paler, her smile was less vibrant and her eyes held a little less shine. How was it that things could get so bad for her before her friends would start to notice? "Can we talk?"

"Of course," Hannah smiled, the special smile that she always had for John Paul and it made his heart ache for what he had done to her.

John Paul perched uncomfortably on the edge of Hannah's bed and let his gaze wander around her room. It was so very feminine, to typically the room of a teenage girl and so totally Hannah.

It was also the room that they had come to the day he had taken her out in the small rowboat. It was the room where John Paul had held Hannah, where he had touched her cold shivering skin and made love to her. It was the room where John Paul McQueen finally admitted to himself that she could never be the person that he loved.

"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly, his eyes falling to his feet, unable to meet her soft gaze.

"What for?" Hannah asked kindly. There had been times when John Paul had resented Hannah's sad acceptance of the lies he had made of their relationship. Days when he had wished she would shout and scream and tell him how much she hated him. But she never did, that wasn't Hannah, it wasn't a part of her to lash out and that gentleness was one of the things he had always loved about the pretty young woman.

"For everything," John Paul replied. "For what I did… for what I didn't do… I never meant to hurt you Han, I really didn't."

"I know."

"Do you?" John Paul lifted his face to Hannah's, his heart aching a little more at the love that still echoed deep in her eyes. "Do you really?"

"John Paul what is it?" Hannah furrowed her brow as she looked at her ex-boyfriend. There was a strange intensity about him, a heaviness in his gaze that seemed to speak of secrets and truths that he shouldn't know and was afraid to tell. "Has something happened?"

"Too many things," John Paul said with a sigh.

Taking hold of Hannah's hands John Paul smiled, a sad smile filled with regret and guilt, of all the people he had hurt in his life Hannah had been the most vulnerable and least deserving. The only thing she had ever wanted from him was love, the one thing that he couldn't give, at least not the love that she needed.

"I do love you Han," John Paul said quietly, instantly regretting his choice of words as a moment of hope flashed in her eyes, hope that he knew he had to quickly extinguish causing the young woman another moment of pain at his hands. "But I can't love you… not the way you want me to."

"I understand," Hannah replied sadly, letting her eyes fall to their hands clasped tightly between them.

"No Hannah I don't think you do," John Paul insisted, tightening his grip. He had to make her see, he had to. He couldn't let her think… she couldn't blame herself, not any more. "Hannah you are so beautiful…"

Hannah let out a small, dismissive laugh and shook her head slightly, almost an imperceptible movement but John Paul saw it.

"I mean it Han… you really are beautiful, and you're kind and funny and smart and any guy would be so proud to be with you…"

"Just not you?"

"No… not me. But not because there is anything wrong with you… you're perfect just the way you are… I'm gay… I always have been and I should never have… I should never have let things get so far between us…"

"So why did you?"

"I don't know… I was stupid, scared… I thought that maybe if I… if we…" John Paul took a deep breath and shook his head to clear his thoughts. "I thought that maybe if I slept with you then perhaps it would fix me… but I'm not broken Han… I'm just gay…"

"You shouldn't have…"

"I know…"

"Do you know how you made me feel that day… seeing you and Craig…" As Hannah looked up John Paul saw unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

"If I could take it back… if I could take away the hurt I caused you I would," John Paul stroked Hannah's cheek softly, "I really would… I promise you…"

"Well it doesn't matter now does it," Hannah replied with a forced laugh, "I mean it's all in the past…"

"You will meet someone you know… someone who sees how amazing you are, someone who can love you like you deserve…"

"Will I?"

"I promise…"

The two friends talked for some time, saying the things they should have said long before but John Paul knew there was still one more thing he had to say, to do, before he left.

Standing at Hannah's bedroom door John Paul paused, his hand gripped onto the cool wood as he looked back at the beautiful girl sitting on her bed.

"You've lost weight," he said quietly.

Hannah smiled, finding a compliment in his words where none was intended.

"Don't do it Han…"

"Do what?"

"Don't go starving yourself to try and be something else…"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do..."

Standing at the bottom of the stairs John Paul bit his lip. He knew she might never forgive him but he also knew that he had to do it, if he could prevent even an ounce of pain or suffering in her life then he had to.

Walking into the living room John Paul fidgeted nervously.

"Mrs Ashworth… can I talk to you?"

"Course you can John Paul. What is it?"

"It's about Hannah, there's something you need to know…"

John Paul opened his eyes slowly, allowing the reality of his surroundings to gradually seep into his mind. In that moment before complete consciousness took a hold he had all but convinced himself that he had had a wonderful dream but, as his eyes focused on the familiar room around him, he knew that whatever this was it wasn't a dream.

Curling his fingers into the mattress beneath him John Paul let out a small sigh, it was real. It was all real.

Sitting up slowly John Paul smiled at the old posters that decorated his bedroom walls. It was good to be home again.

Letting his eyes wander casually around the room his gaze landed on a sheet of paper that was resting on the floor near his bed. It was an exam timetable.

"Shit!" John Paul exclaimed, jumping from his bed. He had completely forgotten that, the time in his life he had now returned to, just happened to be the time he was sitting his A-levels. Pulling on his jeans John Paul silently prayed that he could remember enough of his studies to recreate the grades he had once earned.

Fastening his belt around his waist John Paul looked up at the sound of his bedroom door opening. Feeling an immediate hit of guilt John Paul turned his face from his visitor.

"Great to see you too," Spike said with a jovial smile.

"Sorry," John Paul replied, returning his gaze to the dark haired man who had once helped John Paul discover exactly who and what he was, "Just not good in the mornings!"

"Yeah," Spike acknowledged, "Your mum asked me to check you were up… you OK?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine."

Reaching for a top John Paul pulled it roughly over his head. He felt suddenly exposed and vulnerable, as if Spike could see straight through him, could see his secrets and his lies and the sensation made him want to run.

"I'm not gonna turn up every morning and follow you to school," Spike teased with a laugh as he perched on the edge of John Paul's bed.

"I know," John Paul replied, sitting nervously beside the man who, for all intents and purposes, was currently his boyfriend.

"So what is it then?" Spike's hand felt warm as it touched John Paul's shoulder, but the touch seemed to burn through the fabric of his shirt, branding him a liar and a cheat.

A lifetime ago John Paul had slept with Craig behind Spike's back and still managed to fight down the guilt that it had caused. But that had been a different John Paul. A John Paul that hadn't known what damage lies and secrets could cause.

"Look… Spike… I… it's just…"

"Spit it out."

John Paul took a deep breath and turned his gaze to the strong, well-defined features of his lover. In another world they could have been happy together, but not in this one. In this world John Paul's heart had long since been claimed by another and Spike would only ever second best, the consolation prize, and they both deserved better than that.

"Look the thing is… I do… I do really care about you…"

Spike let his hand fall from John Paul's shoulder as the silent "but" hung in the air between them. Looking into the depths of John Paul's bright blue eyes Spike notice a fleck of grey that he had never seen there before, almost as if the young man had changed in the last day or aged somehow.

The atmosphere seemed to grow heavy in the confines of John Paul's bedroom as the young blond man searched for the words that would make everything alright, knowing that such words could never truly exist.

"Do you want me to make this easy for you?" Spike asked gently.

"What?"

"D'you want me to make it easy for you… to tell me?"

John Paul sighed. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I really am sorry but I… I think we should stop seeing each other."

"I see…" Spike felt confused, he wasn't sure where John Paul's sudden change of heart had come from. Yesterday everything had been fine, they'd been happy, it'd been fun but now he wanted to end it all. "Do I get a reason?"

"I'm not sure I could give you a reason… not one that would make any sense anyway," John Paul replied truthfully. "I wish I could but I… I just know… I know this is for the best…"

There was something about John Paul's tone, or maybe it was that strangeness in his eyes, that made Spike accept the younger man's words and he slowly got to his feet, taking another moment to look into the mysterious depths of John Paul's eyes.

"I hope you find what it is you're looking for," Spike said quietly as he turned to go. He wasn't sure what it was that made him say those words but even as they left his lips he knew how right they felt.

"Thank you," John Paul replied with a grateful smile.

As Spike pulled open the bedroom door a sudden memory seemed to crash violently into John Paul's mind, causing him to gasp with its unexpected force, his fingers curling into the bedding causing his knuckles to whiten.

"Spike wait…" John Paul wasn't certain what he should say but he knew he had to say anything, he could feel the pain from the memory of an event that he hoped he could now prevent.

"What is it?" There was a haunted look clouding John Paul's eyes and Spike hesitated in the doorway.

"It's… look I know this is gonna sound silly but… it's just I… Spike don't… don't ever get a motorbike OK?"

"What?"

"I... I had this dream…" John Paul said. It was a lie although in so many ways the memory now felt like nothing more than a bad dream. "And… and you were on a bike and it crashed and…"

"You had a dream?" Spike said with puzzlement.

"It was a really vivid dream… Spike I don't…" John Paul's eyes shone with tears as he looked pleadingly at his now ex-boyfriend. "I don't want to ever get that news again… Please just promise me you'll be careful… please…"

"I don't even like motorbikes," Spike reassured him with a laugh. "And I've got no intention of ever getting on one OK?"

"OK…"

"See ya John Paul…"

"Bye Spike… and I… I am sorry…"

"I know."

John Paul's breath caught in his chest when he saw her but it was already too late to turn around as he'd been spotted. Besides where would he go? He had an exam to sit.

"You alright?" John Paul asked with a half smile as he shoved his bag into his locker, keeping out only the items necessary for that morning.

"Not really," Sarah replied with a sigh. Once again John Paul was stuck by the memories of what he had done to someone in another lifetime. The way he had betrayed Sarah's friendship, the way he had hurt her so callously in an attempt to get what he wanted, but in the end they all lost out. Not this time. It wouldn't happen this time. "Life's all backwards isn't it?" Sarah continued, her dark eyes filled with the stress of A levels, and something more. "I mean we're young, we're supposed to be out having a laugh but we're stuck in here with all this pressure…" Sarah scraped her hand over her forehead, pushing stray hair from her eyes as she sighed again.

"I know… it's pretty tough isn't it?" John Paul agreed. How could he tell her how much harder things could get? How could he tell her how sorry he was for something he hadn't even done yet?

"It's screwing everybody up," Sarah said, seemingly unaware of John Paul's uncomfortable shuffling, "I mean… there's more to life than exams… have you seen Craig?"

It was such an innocent question but it seemed to hold a million hidden implications. John Paul's mind raced for a moment. What did she know? Had somebody seen Craig at his house yesterday? With a small shake of his head John Paul tried to dislodge his thoughts. Of course she didn't know anything, there wasn't anything to know.

"No," John Paul replied, "Not today no… you?"

"Yeah," Sarah told him with a nod and grimace, "He's in a right state… all he bangs one about is getting into Trinity and then he goes and walks out of his exam!"

"I know…"

"I mean what's that about? Will you do us a favour and have a word with him?"

With a small smile John Paul nodded. Having a word with Craig was exactly what he planned to do, the very second the exams was over.

John Paul struggled to keep his mind on the paper resting on his desk, his eyes flickering constantly across the room to where Craig was sitting. Craig's gaze seemed fixed on his own examination, his pen scratching quickly over its surface as if he had nothing to worry about but the questions before him.

Turning his face back to his own paper John Paul forced himself to concentrate, he couldn't afford to fail and, thankfully, the memories of his studies were still lodged within easy access of his psyche.

Craig had rushed past him earlier, claiming his desk without giving anyone the opportunity to talk to him but he wouldn't get away so easily again.

As soon as the end of the exam was called John Paul was on his feet and standing beside Craig's desk before the dark haired man had the time to move.

"We need to talk," John Paul said quietly, trying to ignore the quick look of gratitude that Sarah flashed him, if she knew the truth behind his motives she wouldn't feel so grateful.

"There's nothing to say," Craig replied as he got to his feet and headed out of the door at a determined pace.

Rushing to catch his friend John Paul gripped Craig's shoulder firmly. "I said we need to talk."

"And I said I have nothing to say." Craig snarled as he shook John Paul's hand from his shoulder, spinning to face his friend with anger flashing in his eyes. "Just leave it alright?"

Turning away Craig strode down the corridor, his shoulders hunched and his head hung low as he walked. John Paul watched for a moment before shaking himself into action.

Racing after Craig he grabbed the older man's arm and forcefully shoved him through an open doorway, into a vacant classroom, slamming the door closed behind him and leaning against it.

"What d'you think you're doing?" Craig asked angrily.

"We have to talk," John Paul insisted in a calm level voice, a tone that was a direct opposite to how he felt. Nothing had ever made his heart race as much as being alone with Craig did, his fingers itched to reach out to the man and his lips trembled at the memory of kissing him. Even the dark look of anger that glowed in Craig's eyes was a beautiful sight, a reflection of the passion that he knew the man possessed.

"I've got nothing to say to you," Craig insisted as he tried to pull John Paul away from the door and gain his freedom.

John Paul stood his ground; he wasn't about to let Craig walk away from this.

"We need to talk about yesterday," John Paul said, his back pressed firmly against the door to prevent Craig's escape.

"Nothing happened yesterday."

"Craig you know that's not true…"

"NOTHING happened," Craig snapped, "I don't want to talk about it…"

"Fine," John Paul said with determination. "You don't want to talk fine… then how about you listen… just listen to me Craig, that's all I'm asking."

With a sigh Craig stepped back. He could tell there was no way John Paul was going to let this drop.

"There's nothing you can say that I want to hear," Craig said stubbornly.

"Maybe not… but where's the harm in listening eh?"

The two men looked at each other for a moment, losing themselves in the depths of the eyes that observed them. The spell was only broken when Craig turned away.

"Well hurry up then," he said quietly, "Just say what you want and let me go…"

"I'm sorry Craig," John Paul began.

"Fine… you're forgiven… is that all?"

"You know it isn't… I know you're angry with me… hurt… but you have to understand, what I did, I did it for you…"

Craig snorted his derision.

"I mean it," John Paul insisted, walking away from the door he approached the man he loved, his hands gripping Craig's shoulders gently as he turned the man to look at him. "I love you Craig, you have to believe that. I love you."

John Paul's eyes were so blue, so deep, so mysterious and so full of wonders that Craig couldn't move. There seemed to be so much more inside them than he had ever noticed before. So much pain, hope, fear, desperation but more than anything else that Craig could see, there was so much love.

Shaking his head Craig tore his gaze from John Paul's eyes; he couldn't let himself feel like that again.

"Craig when you kissed me yesterday… I've never felt like that before," John Paul said in a low whisper, "And when you said you wanted me… you don't know how long I've dreamed of hearing you say those things…"

"So why…" Craig's eyes were fixed on a single point on the floor beneath his feet, he couldn't look up, he didn't dare, nor could he complete the question but he didn't have to.

"I had to stop it Craig," John Paul explained. "You might not understand it but I know it was the right thing to do… I know what hurt it could have caused for you… for me… Sarah… everyone… it wasn't right… not then…"

John Paul closed his eyes and forced himself to breath deeply. He could feel Craig's shoulders trembling beneath his hands and he ached to pull the man into his arms.

"I love you Craig," John Paul said gently, "With all my heart… you've changed my life, totally, irreversibly and I know… Craig I KNOW… that I will love you for the rest of my life…"

"I don't understand," Craig replied sadly, his eyes sparkling with tears as he lifted his face to John Paul's, "If you love me then why turn me away… we could have… we could have worked something out…"

"But we wouldn't have… not then…"

"You can't know that…"

"But I do…" John Paul's hands slipped from Craig's shoulders to the man's neck and then to cup his face gently. "Do you love me Craig?"

The men's eyes fused together as the question seemed to echo around the room, neither man moved or breathed for what felt like a lifetime until Craig finally found a voice to answer.

"I don't know," he whispered quietly.

"Then how could I ask you to risk everything that you have?" John Paul replied, brushing his thumbs gently over Craig's soft cheeks. "If you could say that you loved me Craig… really loved me… then I would happily walk through fire with you…"

"How do I know?" Craig asked, there was so much pain and confusion in Craig's deep brown eyes that John Paul's heart ached with a need to take it all away. "I can't stop thinking about you," Craig continued, "You're on my mind all the time and I… I want you… I want to kiss you… and hold you and… is that love John Paul? You tell me… is that love?"

Leaning forward John Paul's mouth touched gently against Craig's lips in an angel's kiss. Craig clung to the kiss for a moment, holding his friend close, wanting more and afraid to want more.

John Paul's eyes were closed tightly as he pulled back, his chest heaved with the effort of containing his pounding heart and his head swam with the intoxicating flavour of Craig's lips.

"If we were in the middle of the street right now would you have let me do that?" John Paul asked, slowly opening his eyes.

"What?"

"Would you Craig? Could you?"

"I don't… I… what are you trying to say?"

"Craig Dean…" John Paul let out a soft sigh that was mingled with a gentle laugh. "Sometimes I wish I'd never fallen in love with you… sometimes I wish I'd never met you… but most of the time… most of the time I can't bare the thought of being without you… Do you love me Craig? Could you face the world right now and tell everyone that you want me?"

"I don't… I don't know…"

"I know you don't." John Paul's hands finally fell away from the gentle touch they had kept on Craig's face. "And you don't have to… not yet… but I need you to be sure Craig, that's all. I love you so much, but more than that, you're my best friend… the best friend I have ever known… and I don't want to risk losing that over something that you might regret."

"What happens now?"

"That's up to you."

It was late and Suzanne Ashworth was tired, but she couldn't sleep, she hadn't been able to sleep since the young McQueen boy had spoken to her.

"Why would he lie to me?" Suzanne asked her daughter gently.

"I don't know… to hurt me…" Hannah replied with a dismissive shrug.

"John Paul wouldn't do something like that."

"It's not like he hasn't hurt me before."

"This is different Hannah and you know it… please just tell me…"

"Honestly mum, there's nothing wrong… I don't know where he got it from… can I go to bed now? I do have exams in the morning."

Suzanne shook her head and sighed. "Yeah of course you can… but Hannah… you do know you can talk to me… about anything…"

"I know," Hannah told her mother as she brushed a gentle kiss over the woman's forehead. "But there's nothing… honestly."

Suzanne stared into the quiet of the room long after her daughter had gone to bed. She didn't know the McQueen boy, not really, so why was it that she still believed him over her own daughter? What was it in the young man's eyes that had convinced her he was telling the truth? And what could she do about it?

Suzanne Ashworth slowly made her way to bed but she knew that sleep would be a long time coming.

It was late and John Paul McQueen was tired, but he couldn't sleep. Everything had changed and, for the first time since he had opened his eyes back in his old home the day before, he didn't know what happened next.

His love for the brown-eyed man felt as strong now as it had done on that fateful day when he had first told Craig how he felt. It was a love that had survived a lifetime of pain and regret and then come full circle, bringing him almost back to the start again.

John Paul knew that there was every chance that his friendship with Craig might be all he would ever have from now on. But he also knew that a life with Craig's friendship was a million times better than a life without Craig in it at all.

All he could do was wait and hope.

Lying back on his bed John Paul closed his eyes and sighed, he knew that sleep would be a long time coming.

It was late and Craig Dean was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He held a picture frame in his hands and stared at the image encased behind the glass. Four people, friends… they were happy back then, weren't they?

Running his thumb over the face of his girlfriend Craig smiled. He could so easily remember the good times they shared, the fun, the laughter, the sex. He could remember telling her that he loved her as he held her at the school dance, less than an hour before he told John Paul the same thing. But that was a different kind of love… wasn't it?

Craig looked at the picture again. Four people, two couples… he knew that at least one of those relationships was a lie. But what about the others?

Did he really love Sarah? She was beautiful and he adored the looks of envy he got from his peers as she held his hand. But was that love?

Then there was John Paul. His friend… the best friend he had ever had… the one person who always understood him and supported him. The only person that was always there for him and never let him down. The person that he dreamed of at night and thought about during the day. Was that love?

Letting the photograph fall gently to the floor Craig fell back onto his bed and sighed, he knew that sleep would be a long time coming.