Would you just let me know
I'm not standing alone
That I'm not just a voice in the crowd
He shivered with the cold; his arms wrapped around his body did little to take away the chill that seemed to have settled deep within his bones. The power had gone off a few days earlier and, having little money left, he had had to make the choice between electricity or food. The rumbling in his belly told of the fact that now even the food was running low.
He knew he should get up and put on another jumper but the effort seemed beyond him. He was shivering violently, the echo of his chattering teeth vibrating around the dingy room.
The candle was almost completely burned out and its struggling flame threw tiny dancing shadows around the room, illuminating its dark damp corners briefly before, with one final flicker, it died and the room was plunged into darkness.
With a sigh he closed his eyes and the blackness was absolute.
He had never felt so completely alone in his entire life. He wanted so much just to pick up a phone and to make some human contact, to have someone hold him again like they used to. But that was never going to happen now. He had walked away from everyone and everything that he had loved and had loved him and he was alone.
Opening his eyes the darkness only lessened slightly. He could see shapes seeming to move in the shadows as lights from the streetlamp sent tentative rays through the window.
He stared at the shapes, watching as they appeared to grow in size, getting ever closer to him. He held his breath; his heart pounding in his chest as the menacing shadows crept closer, threatening to engulf him at any second.
John Paul awoke with a yell. His skin was damp with sweat and he quickly reached over to turn on his bedside lamp, chasing away the darkness of his room as he lay back on his bed panting.
He had had that dream for the last four nights now. Every night the shadows grew that bit darker and crept that bit closer.
Running his hands over his face John Paul took deep soothing breaths and tried to ignore the trembling that shook his body with abject fear.
The worst part of the dream wasn't the cold, or the loneliness or even the fear. Nor was it the growing intensity of the dream or the almost certain knowledge that it would return the next night.
The worst part of the dream was knowing that it wasn't a dream. It was a memory. Not long after he had fled Hollyoaks village John Paul McQueen had found himself cold and broke and living in a small dank bed-sit that had harboured more than just terrible shadows. That had been the moment in his life when he felt the most lost and it had also been the first time he had considered taking his own life.
Turning his head to one side John Paul looked at the two photographs on his bedside cabinet. One showed the happy faces of his mother and sisters while the other portrayed two school friends, arms draped casually across each other's shoulders as they grinned for the cameras.
John Paul McQueen wasn't alone any more.
You're reaching out, you're so close you can touch it
But it all disappears when it's always so near
But one day we will find that we stand in the light
Until then I'll keep a vigil in a wilderness of mirrors
He shivered with the cold; his arms wrapped around his body did little to take away the chill that seemed to have settled deep within his bones. The streets were deserted and he felt uncertain of why he was standing in the centre of the village in the freezing cold wearing no coat.
Looking around the familiar surroundings he felt frightened and alone. Something wasn't right and he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.
He shivered again as the first few soft white flakes began to fall from, what only seconds ago, had been a clear blue sky.
Within the space of a heartbeat the streets and buildings were covered in a blanket of purest white, untouched and unmarked it smothered everything in silence.
He took a few nervous steps forward, the snow crunching loudly beneath his feet, making him feel guilty for disrupting the peace. After few more steps he hesitated. He didn't know where he was and he didn't know where he was going. He desperately wanted to head for home but the growing snow-storm had made the world unrecognisable and he wasn't even sure of which direction to walk in.
The snowfall grew heavier by the second, obsuring his vision until all he could see was the swirling white flakes before his eyes and all he could hear was the whistle of the wind and the chattering of his own teeth.
Then there was a shape in the distance, vague and uncertain, but moving towards him quickly, filling him with an unexpected terror that froze him to the spot.
As the shape grew closer he could see what it was, who it was and he felt himself smile.
The figure of John Paul McQueen emerged from the blizzard, a hand outstretched towards his friend.
Craig reached out, his fingers tenatively gripping onto John Paul's hand and he gasped at the sudden heat that radiated throughout his body, instantly removing the chill.
Craig observed his friend with awe, uncertain of what do to or say. As quickly as it had begun the snow storm ceased, the final flakes fluttering gently to the ground as the two men stood, their eyes locked together, both of them waiting in silence.
"I love you."
Craig wasn't certain who had spoken. Was it him or was it John Paul? He searched the younger man's eyes for a clue but they simply smiled back at him, soft and kind, just like they had always been.
Craig stepped forward. He needed to know. He had to ask, had he spoken those words? He needed answers to questions he was afraid to ask.
Opening his mouth to speak Craig notice that they were no longer alone.
Over to one side he could see his mother and Jake, further along stood Sarah and Hannah, over there was Sonny Valentine and, as he looked around them, Craig saw more faces than he could put a name to. Watching him. They were all watching him.
His eyes darting from face to face Craig panicked, his fingers slipped from the warmth of John Paul's hand and he was instantly engulfed by the swirling flakes of a fresh blizzard, cutting him off from everyone and leaving him alone again.
Craig awoke with a yell. His skin was damp with sweat and he quickly reached over to turn on his bedside lamp, chasing away the darkness of his room as he lay back on his bed panting.
He shivered with the memories of the cold, but more so with the memories of the empty feeling that he got when he let go of John Paul's hand. He had never felt that alone and the knowledge of that feeling terrified him.
Craig let his gaze wander to the framed picture he kept by his bed. Craig didn't look at himself in the photograph, nor did he take time to observe his girlfriend, or her pretty blonde friend. All he could see was John Paul McQueen and, as he looked into the depths of those bright blue eyes, dazzling still despite being only a reproduction of their real power, Craig could still here the echo of the words in his dream.
"I love you."
And now Craig recognised the voice.
He knew who had spoken.
John Paul McQueen laid down his pen with a satisfied sigh. It was over. For the second time in his memory he had placed the final full stop on his final exam paper. John Paul whispered a silent thanks to whatever powers or gods is was that had returned him to this life for allowing him to retain the memories of his teenage studies, the last thing he needed now was to fail his exams.
Looking to his right John Paul watched as Craig poured over his own paper, seemingly checking his words for any errors before time was called.
Over a month had now passed since that day. Days and weeks of pretending nothing had happened, of pretending they were still just the good friends they had always been. And when other people were around that pretence came easily. The jokes, the laughter and the friendship wasn't so difficult to carry off. It was when they were alone, when it was just the two of them and John Paul found himself lost in the depths of Craig's soft brown eyes that it became difficult. That was when John Paul felt trapped, ready to scream or run or just do something. Anything but this. Anything but the waiting. But at the same time he knew, John Paul knew that he had to be patient, he had to wait and see if Craig was willing, no if he was able, to take the next step.
Turning his head Craig noticed he was being observed. Two bright blue eyes were watching him intently and Craig felt warmed under their gaze. Whenever he looked into John Paul's eyes the world seemed to stop mattering for a while. He would feel safe and protected, but mostly he would loved and he knew that was a feeling he didn't want to give up. What he still didn't know was if it was something he was strong enough to hold on to. Neither of them had mentioned what had happened between them that day, not since John Paul had dragged Craig into the classroom and kissed him with a gentle love that he could still feel against his lips. Craig knew that John Paul was giving him time to think. The only problem was, thinking wasn't making it any easier.
John Paul sipped his pint slowly as he looked around the table at his friends. There were times, like this, when he felt so apart from them, removed from their lives and a mere observer of the days events.
He had lived an entire lifetime that they knew nothing about, he had been witness to things that none of them were aware of and he wished, more than anything, that he could just be one of them again. That he could just be John Paul McQueen.
Hannah looked at her ex-boyfriend from beneath her lashes, turning her face quickly away when he caught her eye and smiled.
She still hadn't forgiven him for talking to Suzanne. But John Paul could live with that. If his words had made even the slightest difference, if they could save her even one moment of pain, then Hannah's anger towards him was a small price to pay.
"Hey, John Paul, why don't you call Spike, tell him to come and join us?" Sarah's voice cut into John Paul's thoughts and he turned his attention to the young dark haired woman, trying desperately not to notice how her fingers were entwined with Craig's.
"Actually I've been meaning to tell you guys," John Paul said, shuffling uncomfortably in his chair, "I split up with Spike."
"Why?" Sarah enquired in a voice filled with sympathy. A sympathy that made John Paul feel ashamed.
"It just wasn't working out, that's all," John Paul explained, his words were directed at Sarah but their meaning was solely for Craig. They might not have been the words John Paul spoke, but the words that Craig heard sounded like "It wasn't working out because I'm in love with Craig."
Pulling his hand from Sarah's hold Craig cradled his pint, his eyes resting of the soft foamy top as he tried in vain to reconcile the feelings of his heart with the logic of his head.
Slumping down onto the sofa John Paul sighed. He had left the pub early, unable to stand Sarah's sympathetic looks any longer, but more than that, unable to take watching Craig kissing his girlfriend one more time.
Rubbing his hands over his face John Paul wondered if he hadn't made a huge mistake. Perhaps that hadn't been the one event he should have changed. Maybe his life would have been easier if he had taken it back further, returning to the day he first met Craig Dean, when they had first spoken. Should he have changed that event? Should he have turned away instead of speaking to Craig that day?
It certainly would have made things simpler if he had never started down the path of friendship that had brought him to this moment, brought him to so many moments where he had let his heart rule his head.
Perhaps now was the time to let go of the dream.
Closing his eyes John Paul let his head fall back as an unexpected wave of exhaustion washed over him. He groaned at the sound of someone knocking at the door.
"Oh just leave me alone," John Paul mumbled as he got to his feet. He should have known better than to hope for a moments of peace in the McQueen house, he had never been able to get one before.
Opening the front door John Paul was greeted by a four-pack of lager being pressed into his chest.
"Craig? What are you doing here? Where are the girls?"
"Gone home to sleep it off, the lightweights," Craig replied with a giggle as he entered the house.
"Why are you here?"
"Thought we'd have a drink," Craig replied casually, pulling one of the cans from it's plastic restraint and popping it open. "Just you and me… mates."
"Mates?"
"Yeah…"
"Cause that's what we are," John Paul said solemly as he opened a can and took a deep drink.
"Well aren't we?" Craig asked, his eyes catching John Paul's gaze, fixing them both in place until neither could move or even breathe.
"I don't… I don't know… I thought I…" John Paul took a deep breath and, after swallowing another mouthful of lager, he put down his can and walked to the window. "I thought that being just your friend would be enough," he said quietly. "I thought that… I don't know… if I at least had that then it would be OK…"
"But it's not?" Craig's voice was low in John Paul's ear and the heat of his body seemed to scorch John Paul's back.
"No… it's not," John Paul admitted sadly. "I can't be just your friend Craig… it's too hard… seeing you every day… not being able to…" Closing his eyes John Paul shook his head. "Maybe… after you go to Trinity and we get some distance between us… maybe then we can be friends again…"
"No." Craig voice was strong and definate.
"No?"
"I don't want to be your friend John Paul McQueen," Craig said confidently, his hands gripping the younger man's shoulders firmly and turning him around until they stood face to face.
"You don't?" John Paul replied in a trembling voice.
"No I don't." Craig hands moved from John Paul's shoulders to curl around the back of his neck. Craig's eyes were the deepest, softest brown that John Paul ever remember seeing and their gaze seemed to wrap the man in warmth.
"So what do you want?"
"You…" Craig's kiss was firm but gentle, his tongue tickling lightly over John Paul's lips as they parted to welcome it inside.
A moment's doubt clawed at the back of John Paul's mind and he pushed Craig from him.
"I can't do this… not if you're not sure… not if… not if we have to hide away, or lie, or…"
Craig smiled, and in that smile was a certainty that John Paul had never seen before.
"I'm sure," Craig said, stepping forward to reclaim his kiss, his lips only a hairs breath from John Paul's as he whispered the words he had said so many times recently in his dreams. "I love you."
Craig's kiss was soft and full of unspoken promises. His lips were pressed gently to the warmth of John Paul's mouth as the tip of his tongue danced against it. The world froze for an instant as the two men embraced, releasing the passion that had been held in check for too long, their arms holding each other tightly and never wanting to let go again.
John Paul's felt as if Craig's kiss was breathing life back into him. Reminding him how it felt to really be alive, making his heart race and his pulse quicken until everyone and everything was forgotten, hidden under a cloud of love and desire.
This was what he had been waiting for since that moment he had opened his eyes in the kitchen of his family home. It was what he had been waiting for since the first moment he had ever drawn breath and it terrified him.
Craig loved him. He had said so. And he meant it. John Paul knew he meant it, he could see it in the depths of those gentle brown eyes, he could taste it on the sweetness of those soft pink lips and he could feel it in every beat of Craig's heart as he held the man close to him.
This time it could work, they could make it work and they could find the happiness that had once been so cruelly denied them. This time it would be different, it was all different.
With a barely audible whimper John Paul pressed his hands against Craig's chest and pushed him back, making the older man stumble slightly.
"Nothing's different," John Paul whispered breathlessly to himself.
"John Paul what's wrong?" Craig asked in confusion, his hands reaching out uncertainly to the man who stepped back from him, almost in fear. "Please… I don't understand, I thought we… I thought you…"
Wrapping his arms around his chest in an attempt to quell the ache in his chest John Paul turned his back on the pleading chocolate eyes that observed him. The emotions that assaulted John Paul were unbareable, each one raining down on him, hope and doubt, love and fear, the tantalising hint that this might actually work which was quickly swamped by the memory of the time it didn't.
"John Paul?" Craig's voice was low, a pained whisper as he again placed his hands lightly on his friend's shoulders.
"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly. Craig's hands felt heavy, holding him down and tethering him to reality, but at the same time their touch was feather light, holding the promise of a gentle caress if only he would accept it.
"Tell me what's wrong… please, just talk to me…" Craig gripped John Paul's shoulders tightly, his head was swimming and the strength he gained from touching his friend was the only thing keeping him from falling.
Telling John Paul how he felt has been the most difficult and yet most natural thing in the world to do. Seeing the love that glistened from John Paul's brilliant blue eyes had made Craig's heart take flight but the sudden look of doubt had brought it crashing back to reality.
"Can you really do this Craig?" John Paul asked, not daring to turn and face the man behind him for fear that his resolve would crumble and he would allow himself to claim the love he so desperately needed. "Can you? Can you walk down the street holding my hand… can you kiss me and not worry about who might be watching, who might be judging? Can you tell your mum, and Jake, how you feel about me and accept the look of disappointment in their eyes?"
"I want to…"
"But that's not what I asked… Can you?"
Turning slowly John Paul saw the unshed tears shining in Craig's soft brown eyes, he recognised them instantly because the matched the ones in his own heart.
"Can you Craig?" John Paul's fingers trembled as they stroked against the softness of Craig's cheeks.
"I don't know," Craig admitted, "How can I know until I try?"
"But what if you can't… I couldn't take that again…"
"Again?"
"I mean I…" John Paul shook his head to try and chase away some of the confusion, "I couldn't stand it Craig… if we got so close and then… and then you couldn't…"
"At least let me try," Craig said, leaning forward to touch his lips softly against John Paul's mouth again. "Help me try… John Paul this… this can't stop, what we have between us… I need you… I love you…"
"And Sarah?" Asking the question felt like slicing through his own chest but he had to know, to be sure.
"What?"
"You love Sarah… so what happens there?"
"I did… I do… I mean… it's different. What I feel for her, it doesn't come close."
"Then tell her…"
"I can't just…"
"I don't mean about us… not yet anyway, that would be cruel… but tell her it's over. I can't be the person you cheat with. We have to be more than that. It got to be me or Sarah, you have to choose."
Craig's lips curled into a soft smile, his eyes sparkling with love as he cupped John Paul's face gently in both hands, kissing him with more than just desire but with affection and love. "It's you… I choose you."
"Really?"
"Of course… I'll see Sarah tomorrow, break up with her… I can't not be with you John Paul. You're all I think about, what I dream about… When I…" Craig's eyes flicked down and a slight pink blush rose to his cheeks before he turned his gaze back to the magic of John Paul's eyes. "When I touch myself it's your face that I see… it's you that I want to be with."
"I should really be going," Craig said relucantly and without actually making any effort to move.
John Paul tightened his arms around the older man. "I suppose," he agreed with a sigh.
"Mum's gonna be wondering where I am…"
"Yeah…"
"And I can't really stay here all night…"
The words hung in the air for a moment, the implications weighing heavy on both of them.
They had been lying in a comfortable embrace on the McQueen's sofa for the last few hours, enjoying the closeness and comfort of each other's arms. Kissing softly and gently but holding back more in the knowledge that once they began neither of them would have the strength to stop.
John Paul closed his eyes pressing his mouth to the top of the Craig's head as it rested against his chest. The warm scent of the man sent John Paul's senses racing and he wanted nothing more than to take Craig to his bed and share the love that was raging through him, to hold onto him all night and to wake with him in his arms the next morning.
"We can't, not yet," John Paul said, forcing the words from his lips.
"I know… it's just…" Craig eased himself upright to look deeply into John Paul's eyes. "I didn't know that I could want anyone this much… that I could want YOU this much…"
John Paul swallowed hard. It would be so easy to give in. It was what he wanted, what they both wanted and Craig was going to end things with Sarah the next day, why should they deny themselves for the sake of a few hours?
"I'll tell her tomorrow… I'll do it tomorrow… why can't I have both… it wasn't the right time…" Words from another life echoed through John Paul's mind and he pushed himself to his feet. They had to do it right this time, he couldn't take the chance, he had to be certain, THEY had to be certain.
"I'll see you tomorrow Craig," John Paul said as he pulled the man up and, still holding onto his hand, led him to the front door.
Craig smiled, stopping John Paul from opening the door by pushing him against it. Their mouths crashed hard as their bodies pressed against each other, moan mingling between them as their tongues rolled together. John Paul's fingers fought their way under Craig's shirt, clawing at his flesh with despiration as the heat of Craig's skin seemed to burn his fingers.
With a groan Craig pulled back. His cheeks were flushed with lust and his chest heaved with heavy pants. John Paul's lips looked pink and swollen from the force of his kiss and he had to look away to stop himself from claiming them again.
With shaking hands John Paul pulled open the front door, welcoming the rush of cool air that greeted his overheated body.
"I'll call you," Craig panted as he stepped over the threshold. "As soon as I've… I'll call you…"
"I'll be waiting…"
The sun beat down, warming John Paul as he walked slowly towards the centre of Hollyoaks village. The air was still and held the fragrant hint of flowers that tickled his senses as he moved.
John Paul lifted his face towards the suns rays and was surprised to see that the sky was cloudy and overcast, he had been so certain it was sunny but he knew instantly that it hadn't been the sunshine that had been warming him.
A couple of hours earlier he had been greeted by a text message from Craig. A simple message, only three words long, but it made his heart swell with happiness.
John Paul let a small sigh fall from his lips. He felt some guilt over Sarah, despite everything she didn't deserve to get her heart broken and John Paul was certain that was how she would feel. But at the same time he couldn't walk away from the only love he had ever, would ever, know for the sake of someone else's feelings. John Paul knew that Sarah would get over her heartbreak, just like he knew he never could.
Turning his phone over in his pocket John Paul wondered where Craig was at that moment. Was he on his way to Sarah's, was he telling her right now, was it over and was he on his way to the McQueens? For the hundreth time John Paul considered phoning to check how it was going and for the hundreth time he didn't. Craig had said he would call, John Paul had to be patient, he had waited this long a little while longer should be easy. And in the meantime he would stock up on some snacks and drinks for his room because once he got Craig in there again he didn't know how long it would be before either of them wanted to leave.
Approaching the centre of the village John Paul instantly spotted Craig sat at one of the tables outside Il Gnosh. The dark haired man was alone, his gaze turned to the tables surface as his fingertips traced a lazy pattern. John Paul paused for a moment, admiring the man he adored from a distance and feeling that familiar surge of love rushing through his body.
Craig's gaze lifted from the tabletop as the door to the restaurant opened and John Paul stepped back into the shadows as he saw Sarah, two coffees in her hands, approaching the table. Placing the drinks down Sarah leant forward, kissing Craig deeply, her hand slipping to the back of his head to pull him close as Craig's hands stroked gently over her hips.
John Paul gasped as a sharp blade pierced his chest, his hand reaching up, in an attempt to stop the blood that must surely be pouring from his wounded heart. Instead he felt nothing but the fabric of his shirt and the empty ache that wouldn't even allow tears to form in his eyes.
As Sarah took her seat Craig reached across the table and took hold of her hands. Even from a distance John Paul was certain that he could see the gentle love in Craig's eyes, the love that had been directed at him only the night before, and he knew with a painful certainty that some things were beyond his power to change.