"Mum…"
Craig stood nervously in the doorway of the flat above the pub, his hands gripping the doorframe as he tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade his feet to cross the threshold.
As he had made his way home from the McQueen's house part of him had silently hoped that Frankie would be out, or too busy to talk, or just anything that would delay this moment for a little longer. He had tried to work out what to tell her, how to explain what had happened. But how could he when he didn't really understand himself. How could Craig make Frankie comprehend the change in his feelings for John Paul when, in truth, Craig didn't how or why that change had occurred?
All he knew was the way he felt when he was with John Paul. How alive he became, how complete and how all the fears just melted away. All he knew was how much his body craved John Paul's touch, his mouth John Paul's taste and his eye the sight of John Paul's smile.
All he knew was that he had fallen in love and it felt wonderful.
"Craig!" Frankie's eyes sparkled at the sight of her youngest son, her pride and joy.
"You busy?" Craig asked as he fidgeted in the doorway.
"What is it love?" Frankie replied, there was obviously something troubling Craig, she knew her son well enough to recognise the signs, the way his eyes flickered around the room, resting anywhere but on her, and the way he shifted from foot to foot as if he wasn't really sure that he wanted to be there.
"I wanted to talk to you…" Craig began. Taking a deep breath he forced himself into the room and made what felt like a long walk towards the sofa where Frankie was waiting.
"Go on then, " Frankie said with an encouraging smile as she patted the seat next to her.
"The thing is…" Craig began as he sat beside his mother, his hands clamped together on his lap and his gaze fixed firmly on his feet. "The thing is…"
"Yes?"
"Well what happened… you see… I… err… me and Sarah broke up." Craig blurted out the final words and immediately felt a sense of relief that he had at least managed to tell part of the story, and a total panic of where the rest of the tale would take him.
"Oh Craig," Frankie replied sympathetically as she squeezed Craig's hand. No wonder her son looked so upset and confused if he had just lost his girlfriend. "Oh I am sorry to hear that, Sarah's a lovely girl… why did she break up with you?"
Craig tried his best not to be offended that his own mother instantly assumed that it was Sarah who had dumped him, he might not have had the best track record in the past but that was hardly a reason for such an assumption was it?
"I broke up with her," Craig informed Frankie through slightly gritted teeth as he snatched his hand back from her touch.
"Oh?" Frankie paused for a moment before continuing. "What did she do? Did she cheat on you? I've always thought there was still something between her and that Rhys Ashworth…"
"No mum," Craig sighed, "It's nothing like that… it wasn't Sarah's fault… I… I kinda fell for someone else…"
Craig held his breath, his heart was racing as the moment of truth approached and he could feel his body begin to tremble. Why should he be so afraid of telling his mother that he was in love? Surely that was good news. Wasn't it?
"Oh I didn't realise," Frankie said with a half smile. She was pleased that Sarah hadn't broken her son's heart, but why was he acting so cagey about it all? What was it about this new girlfriend that Craig thought his mother wouldn't like?
As Frankie looked at her son he still steadfastly refused to meet her gaze, his eyes resting instead on his hands as he twisted them together in his lap.
"So who is this new girl?"
Craig swallowed heavily. That was it. That was the question, the one who's answer would either shock, disappoint or appal his mother, probably all three.
"Well that the thing," Craig began, his voice low and shaking slightly. "It's not… I mean… it's…" Closing his eyes Craig took a deep breath and, for a second, was calmed by a hypnotic sea of bright blue that bathed him in love. "It's not a girl…"
"What d'you mean not a…" Frankie's eyes widened. "Oh Craig… tell me you've not got yourself involved with some older woman… wasn't there enough of that with Becca and that Justin lad?"
"No," Craig replied, "No it's nothing like that…"
"Well that's a relief, so if it's not a girl then…" Frankie shrugged as the obvious truth of the situation seemed to completely elude her.
"Mum its…" Craig's gaze finally lifted to meet his mother's. He had to look her in the eyes for this moment; he had to see her reaction. He had to know. "It's John Paul…"
"What is?"
"The… the person that I'm seeing… the person I broke up with Sarah for… It's… it's John Paul…"
"McQueen?"
"Yeah…"
The silence was tangible, Craig could feel it slowly wrap around him until he thought he might suffocate. He held his breath waiting for the reaction, the anger, the disgust or maybe even the acceptance, what he didn't expect was the laugher.
"John Paul McQueen?" Frankie spluttered through laughs that shook her shoulders.
"Mum?" Craig said nervously, he couldn't understand his mother's strange reaction and it frightened him.
"John Paul McQueen," Frankie repeated as the worst of her laughter faded away. "For a second there Craig I thought you were being serious… come on now… tell me the truth, who's the new girlfriend?"
Craig sighed a feeling of defeat and despair washing over him at his mother's total rejection of the idea he could be having a relationship with John Paul.
"It wasn't a joke," Craig said quietly, his gaze returning to his hands, which gripped onto each other tightly and turned his knuckles white.
"Of course it is," Frankie replied dismissively.
"Mum really," Craig said, "I'm seeing John Paul… I'm WITH John Paul…"
"You can't be…"
"Well I am…"
"You're not gay!"
"I… I don't know what I am… but I know how I feel." Sneaking another look at his mother's face Craig winced when he saw the dark look in her eyes and he felt is strength begin to fail him.
"That poor boy," Frankie said unexpectedly.
"What?"
"That poor John Paul…"
"What? How… what d'you mean."
"How d'you think he's gonna feel Craig?"
"Feel? About what."
Gripping her son's shoulders Frankie looked deeply into his soft brown eyes. She could see a softness there that she had never witnessed before but she instantly chose to ignore it.
"How's he gonna feel when he realises that he's nothing but some sort of experiment…"
Craig's jaw dropped at his mother's words. She couldn't really think that he…
"It's all very well trying new things Craig, and experimenting with sexuality but that boy is gonna think you're serious, he's supposed to be your friend… you end things now Craig, before anyone gets hurt…"
"Mum you're not listening to me," Craig said, his eyes and voice pleading with her to understand. "Me and John Paul… it's serious…"
"You listen to me Craig and end it now…"
"No… I… we… mum I love him…"
"You don't even know what that means," Frankie snorted, her hand falling from her son's shoulders as she got to her feet. "I'm needed downstairs."
"Mum please…"
Craig watched dejectedly as his mother left the room. He hadn't expected her to be overjoyed at his news but nor had he expected her to be so dismissive of it.
"I love him…" Craig whispered to the empty room, his head falling into his hands as the first of his tears began to tumble."
"Craig? Is everything OK?"
Craig hadn't heard his sister approach but her sympathetic tone made his tears come heavier until his shoulders were shaking with his sobs.
"Hey, hey, what is it?" Steph asked gently as she knelt before her younger brother and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.
"Why does she never listen?" Craig asked through his tears.
"Who? Mum…"
"Yeah…"
"What is it… what's happened…"
Lifting his face from his sister's shoulder Craig roughly brushed the tears from his face and looked into her kind gentle eyes. Steph could be selfish sometimes, and vain and even a bit thick, but Craig never doubted his sister's love for him.
"I… I told her something and, well she wouldn't believe it…"
"What did you tell her?"
Craig took a deep breath but somehow telling didn't feel as scary this time. Was it because he had managed it once, or just because it was Steph?
"I'm… I'm seeing someone… not Sarah, we broke up… it's erm…" Craig paused as an image of John Paul's smiling face filled his mind and the memory of John Paul's love filled his heart.
"Is it John Paul?"
"How… how did you?"
"I've seen how you've been around him recently… that and I heard you say 'I love him' when I came into the room." Steph smiled at her brother as she stroked his cheek gently. "Is it serious?"
"Yeah… I DO love him Steph."
"And he loves you?"
"He really does…"
"And does he make you happy?"
Craig smiled, his eyes suddenly sparkling as he considered the question.
"Steph I… I've never felt like this before… I get butterflies if he so much as looks at me, I feel alive when he touches me or when we kiss… and my god when we…" Craig suddenly stopped when he realised what he was about to say, his cheeks flushing a deep crimson as Steph giggled, partly in amusement and partly with embarrassment. The last thing she needed to hear about was her brother's sex life, no matter who it was with.
Hugging her brother tightly for a second Steph touched a soft kiss to his cheek.
"If you feel like that Craig, well then mum will just have to learn to accept it."
"And what if she doesn't?"
"She wants you to be happy… you just need to give her time to see that you are… and that it's John Paul who makes you happy."
"I hope you're right," Craig replied as Steph got to her feet and, after ruffling her brother's hair, left the flat.
Craig's mobile phone suddenly vibrated a message alert in his pocket and he smiled widely as he saw John Paul's name on the display.
"How's it going?" John Paul's message read.
"Not good," Craig replied, "You busy?"
"No… wanna meet?"
"You bet… Il Gnosh in 5?"
"See you there… Love you."
"Love you too xxx."
--
John Paul sat at a table outside Il Gnosh, his fingertips toyed absently with the coffee before him not noticing as the heat from the cup burned against his skin.
Chewing on his bottom lip the blond man surveyed the street with apprehension. Craig had said so little in his text but John Paul knew that Frankie hadn't taken the news of their relationship well. Not that he had expected any great celebrations, but a deep fear gripped at his stomach that the reaction of Craig's mother could be enough to end things before they had really had a chance.
"John Paul…"
The sound of his name from behind him made John Paul jump in his seat before turning around to face the person who addressed him.
The pretty girl half smiled as she looked at him, a look that seemed to be uncertain if she was happy to see him or not.
"Hannah…" John Paul said gently, his mouth curving upwards as he looked at her. Her eyes seemed brighter than they had a few weeks earlier when they had last spoken and the dark circles beneath seemed to have eased. "How are you? You… you look good…"
"I'm OK," Hannah replied cautiously as she moved to take the seat opposite her ex-boyfriend. "You shouldn't have said… what you did, to my mum the other week… you had no right…"
John Paul shrugged. He had known with absolute certainty that the pretty blonde girl was developing a serious eating disorder but now the details were foggy in his mind and he couldn't recall how he was privy to such information.
"I was just worried about you," John Paul explained, "Han I just want you to be alright… after everything you… you deserve to be happy…"
"I hated you, you know… for dumping me… for being gay… for telling my mum that…"
"I'm sorry for hurting you but I can't be sorry for the rest of it…"
The two ex-lovers sat in silence for a few minutes, lost in their own thoughts. Hannah tried hard not to look into the deep blue of John Paul's eyes. Every time she saw him he still made her heart skip a beat, she still longed to have back what they once shared, even if it had all been a lie, but she knew that she couldn't and she knew that, eventually, she would find the strength to move on.
"So what… what happened with your mum… you know after?" John Paul longed to reach across the table and take the young woman's hand in his, but he hesitated, afraid that his actions could be misinterpreted by someone who was obviously still so fragile.
"It was… difficult," Hannah replied quietly, her eyes falling to the tabletop, as her voice became little more than a whisper. "They started watching me… every mealtime, all the time… it was, I dunno, I felt like I had no privacy anymore…"
"I am sorry," John Paul said kindly, his hand finally reaching out to take Hannah's gently.
Lifting her eyes Hannah smiled for a second, a flash of the girl John Paul once knew shining out from beneath her lashes.
Hannah breathed deeply as she allowed herself a moment to enjoy the warmth of John Paul's hand on hers before withdrawing from his touch in case she remembered how much she still missed him.
"How are things now?" John Paul asked as he resumed toying with his drink.
"OK… I guess… I… I'm seeing a counsellor so… you know…" Hannah's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she spoke, admitting that she was seeing a counsellor, that she NEEDED a counsellor, filled her with a sense of shame.
"I'm glad," John Paul said with sincerity, "Honestly Han, it's the right thing… and you'll be fine I… I just know it."
Rubbing her hand briefly over her face Hannah smiled shyly, a smile reminiscent of the young woman John Paul had tried so desperately to love.
"I suppose you've heard about Craig and Sarah splitting up," Hannah said suddenly in a need to steer the conversation in another direction.
"Yeah," John Paul replied uncomfortably, "Yeah I did… he… err… he told me earlier…"
"Sarah reckons he's seeing someone else…"
"Does she?"
"So?"
"What?"
"IS Craig seeing someone else, come on John Paul, he'd tell you…"
"Hannah I can't…" John Paul shuffled nervously in his seat and averted his eyes from Hannah's questioning stare.
"So he IS!" Hannah exclaimed, "You have to tell me who she is now…"
"Hannah please don't…"
A part of John Paul wanted to announce proudly that he was the new love in Craig's life, but how could he? How could he out Craig like that? How could he hurt Hannah like that? How could he really believe that any of this was going to work?
"Oh John Paul," Hannah said in a pitiful whine, "Come on, I won't tell Sarah… just between us… who is it?"
"Hannah you can't really expect me to betray Craig like that can you," John Paul said, clinging to the hope that Hannah would accept his reasoning and let the matter drop.
"I suppose," Hannah said with a pout. "But it's not like he can keep her a secret for long, they're bound to be seen about together…"
"I guess…" John Paul fell silent as he considered the blond girls words. Would Craig be happy for them to be seen as a couple in public or would he become the man's dirty little secret? The idea gripped John Paul with fear and for a second he struggled to catch his breath, the idea of Craig hiding away what they shared felt so real and immediate that John Paul could have sworn it had already happened.
"Alright you two?" Craig's voice was bright and cheerful as he approached and John Paul felt his face break into a wide grin as he turned to see the man approach.
"Hannah, looking gorgeous as ever!" Hannah giggled softly as Craig touched a soft kiss to her cheek before slumping into the one spare seat left at the table.
"Hi Craig," Hannah said, her eyes flickering to John Paul' for a moment before returning to Craig. "Sorry to hear about you and Sarah…"
"Yeah well," Craig smiled at John Paul as he spoke, an urge to lean over the table and kiss the man almost overwhelming. "Sometimes it just doesn't work out…"
"So it wasn't that…"
"What?"
"Well I was just wondering… you know… if there was someone else…" Hannah's grin was wide and Craig felt a tightness in his chest as he considered the possibility that John Paul had already told her. He wouldn't do that… would he? And if he had would it be so bad? Wasn't that what Craig wanted, for people to know, to be able to feel proud of who he loved. For a moment Frankie's words filled Craig's head. His mother's suggestion that his feelings for John Paul were nothing more than an experiment in sexuality.
But she was wrong. Frankie was wrong. What Craig felt wasn't an experiment or a game, he was in love, he had fallen in love and it felt like nothing he had ever known before.
"Yeah," Craig replied with a smile, "Yeah I'm… I'm seeing someone else…"
John Paul's eyes opened wide as Craig spoke, his gaze darting between his new boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. He couldn't believe that Craig was really going to do it and John Paul felt like he was holding his breath as Hannah giggled gleefully.
"I knew it," Hannah said triumphantly, "So come on, spill… who is she?"
Craig grinned. He felt a sudden unexpected calm as he reached across the table and took a firm hold of John Paul's hand, the men's eyes meeting as their fingers laced together tightly.
John Paul looked stunned, his bright blue eyes sparkling with awe but also with such love that Craig felt proud to be holding his hand and blessed to be the recipient of such devotion.
"Hannah it's… it's not a girl…" Craig breathed, his words directed at Hannah but his attention totally focussed on John Paul.
Craig's heart raced in his chest as the reality of his words descended on the table and he knew in that instant that he didn't just want to tell Hannah, he wanted to tell the whole restaurant, he wanted to tell the whole village, he wanted to climb to the highest point and scream it from the top of his lungs.
He had fallen in love for the first time in his life and it felt like he was finally alive.
"It's not a…" Hannah's words died on her lips as she became aware of the look passing between the two men and saw their hands linked together on the tabletop. "Oh god… it's you…"
"Han I'm really sorry I…" John Paul didn't know what to say or if anything he could say would make a difference. He knew that Hannah wasn't over him yet and he feared that the knowledge of his relationship with Craig would cause her more hurt. But at the same time he was glad she knew, glad that she had been one of the first to know, he cared about her too much to keep this from her.
"No… no don't be…" Hannah stammered, her eyes wide as she observed her two friends. "I mean… wow I never… when, how… I never even…"
"I know," Craig said with a laugh, "It surprised me too… but you can't help who you fall in love with." Turning to face Hannah Craig's eyes held a look of sympathy and understanding for how the young woman must be feeling, after all she loved John Paul too. "You're OK with this aren't you Han?"
"I… I guess… I mean… you two… wow… oh god Sarah's gonna freak!" Hannah giggled suddenly as she anticipated her friend's reaction at finding out her ex dumped her for another man. Sarah's sympathy for Hannah when she had first discovered John Paul was gay had been fleeting and quickly turned to disinterest, and now, as shameful as it might be, Hannah allowed herself a moment of gloating as she realised that Sarah was about to find out exactly how that had felt. "I should go."
Getting to her feet Hannah observed the two men for another few seconds and she saw something between them that she had never witnessed before in her life. Despite being in such a public place Hannah felt like she was intruding in a private moment as Craig looked at the blond man whose hand he held tightly and smiled. His soft brown eyes shone with such total adoration that Hannah felt torn between intense jealousy but also such joy that John Paul had found love with the one person he truly wanted.
"Han you don't have to…" John Paul began but was cut off as Hannah touched a soft kiss to his cheek.
"I've got an appointment," she said with a sad smile that let John Paul know instantly what kind of appointment it was that she was keeping.
"See you later Craig," Hannah said flashing the dark haired man a bright smile, she really had never seen him look that happy before. "I am pleased for you," Hannah whispered quietly into John Paul's ear before squeezing his shoulder affectionately.
"Thanks Han…"
The men watched as the young woman walked away before turning to face each other again.
"Well I guess that means we're official," John Paul said in a teasing tone.
"I guess it does…"
"You OK with that?"
"It was me that told her…"
"I know but…"
"I'm not ashamed John Paul…"
"It wont be easy… people wont approve…"
"Like my mum you mean," Craig sighed as he spoke.
"She wasn't pleased then?" John Paul asked, squeezing Craig's hand tightly.
"She thinks I'm experimenting, that I'm gonna hurt you…"
"What did you tell her?"
Craig smiled as he raised his fingers to brush lightly over John Paul's cheek. "That I'm in love!"
"Yeah?"
"Well what else would I say? It's the truth…"
Turning his face John Paul kissed the palm that was resting against his cheek. "I can't believe this is really happening," he said. John Paul felt as if he was in a dream, the very fact that Craig Dean could love him seemed like a wonderful impossibility and yet he did and, as if to illustrate that point, Craig leant over the table, his hand slipping to the back of John Paul's neck as he pressed his mouth warmly against John Paul's lips, kissing him with a gentle passion that took both their breaths away.
"Well it is," Craig said with a small laugh as he realised that he had just kissed John Paul in the middle of the village where anyone could see and, rather than be concerned who had witnessed the exchange, he hoped that plenty of people had. "So, you gonna get me a coffee or what?"
--
John Paul held the letter in his hand, his eyes travelling over the words for a third time. It was the culmination of everything that he had worked so hard for over the past couple of years and now it was here it felt amazing.
It felt terrifying.
It felt heartbreaking.
Myra had been so proud of her son the day he had received his exam results and they had been enough, more than enough, to secure him a place at HCC, the first McQueen who had ever managed to pursue a dream of furthering their education.
And now, with the written confirmation of his place clutched tightly in one hand, John Paul's dream had become a reality.
There was only one thing that was making the dream less exciting than it had once been, one reason why John Paul wasn't singing for joy. Craig.
John Paul smiled as he recalled Craig's nervous anticipation at opening his exam results, his hands trembling with the fear of failure and then the laugh that told of Craig's success, achieving the grades that he had missed the previous year to be able to fulfil his own dream.
Unfortunately Craig's dream would take him to Dublin.
It seemed a cruel twist that now, so soon after finding love with the man he had adored for the past year, John Paul would have to lose him again, but he knew that he would never try and prevent Craig from going, he would never try and stand in his way of going to Trinity. Instead he would try his best to enjoy their last few weeks together and hope that what they had was strong enough to survive the separation.
John Paul's attention was pulled from his thoughts by a knock at the door and his heart leapt at the sight of the dark haired man who was waiting outside as he opened it.
"Hey." Craig stepped forward and touched a soft kiss to John Paul's lips before entering the house. A simple gesture but one that always sent John Paul's senses reeling in a way he couldn't quite explain. A part of him was always waiting or anticipating Craig shying away from touching him, but it never happened, and John Paul wasn't sure why he still expected it.
"Hi," John Paul replied with a grin. "I got my confirmation from HCC…"
Craig's eyes flicked to the letter that John Paul held out, his eyes shining with pride that they had both managed to secure places on the courses they had wanted. He knew that he would miss John Paul so much while they were apart but it was a sacrifice he knew they had to make to provide them both with a better future.
The smile died on Craig's face and he sighed. So much in his life had changed since meeting John Paul, most of it for the better, but there had been casualties along the way and he still regretted the fact that his own happiness came at the cost of someone else's pain.
"I saw Sarah before," Craig said quietly as he slumped onto the McQueen's sofa.
John Paul winced at the name. He had managed to avoid seeing the dark haired girl since the news of his relationship with Craig had become official and he knew that Craig had tried to do the same thing. As shameful as it was John Paul felt unable to face the girl he had considered a friend and whose boyfriend he had, for all appearances sake, stolen.
"How did it go?" John Paul asked as he sat beside Craig and instinctively reached for the older man's hand.
"Oh great… she's really happy for us!"
"Really?"
"Sarcasm John Paul… it you're gonna study English you really need to learn how to recognise these things!"
John Paul laughed quietly as he gave his boyfriend a playful shove. "So how did it really go?"
"Awful… she hates me…"
"She doesn't hate you…"
"No, you're right… she hates US…"
"I'm sorry," John Paul said sadly. Despite everything he knew that Craig still cared for the young woman he had, until recently, called his girlfriend and that he would be hurt at such feelings of animosity towards him.
"It's not your fault," Craig replied with a shrug.
"Isn't it?"
"It's not like you MADE me fall in love with you…"
John Paul's cheeks flushed at Craig's words. It was like a dream to hear Craig say such things and sometimes John Paul would be temporarily gripped with a fear that it was exactly that, a dream, and he would wake up any second to discover that his life was in reality a nightmare.
"So what did she say?" John Paul asked.
Craig sighed for a moment as he recalled the conversation with the girl who had once professed to love him.
--
Craig had left the pub just after midday, smiling as he stepped into the sunshine that seemed to wrap him in warmth and made the day feel that much brighter. The flowers outside the Dog were in full bloom and Craig breathed in their delicate scent as he set out on the short walk to the McQueen's house.
It was a journey he had made countless times before when he had been going to visit his friend, but how much sweeter that walk felt now that it was taking him to visit his boyfriend. The word still made Craig laugh to himself. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever anticipated falling for another man. Not once had he ever fantasised about being intimately touched by a man, if anything he would have claimed to find the idea repulsive. Until John Paul. What was it about that blue-eyed angel that had changed everything? How was it that now the thought of John Paul inside him, making love to him, made Craig's pulse race and his heart pound heavily in his chest?
With John Paul everything was so much more real, every emotion seemed magnified beyond measure, every touch was a sensation guaranteed to excite and every moment spent together made Craig more certain that this was the kind of love he had been waiting for. Man or woman it didn't matter. Craig was in love, more deeply in love than he had ever thought possible, and nothing had ever made him feel so alive.
"Well look who it is!"
Craig's footsteps faltered as the bitter tones of his ex-girlfriend rang in his ears.
"Sarah…" Craig stopped in his tracks, fighting the desperate urge to run. He had known that he would have to face her one day, but he had always hoped that when he did he would know what to say.
"Something you want to tell me?" Sarah spat. Her eyes were dark and filled with anger. She was right of course. He should have told her about John Paul himself rather than let her know through someone else but his cowardice had prevented him from ever making that call.
"Look I'm sorry… I should have…"
"Yes you should… did you enjoy making me look like an idiot?"
"I'm sorry I never meant…"
"So how long?"
"What?"
"How long were you screwing John Paul behind my back?" Sarah stepped closer, her eyes flashing angrily as she looked unblinkingly at the man who had betrayed her in the most humiliating way she could imagine. Better that he had been cheating on her with Hannah than John Paul, that she could understand, that she could rationalise, forgive almost. But this? Another man? How would she ever live that down?
"I wasn't," Craig insisted, "Sarah I swear nothing happened until we broke up."
"Until you dumped me you mean… you make me sick."
"I'm sorry…"
"Are you? You don't look it… you must think I'm a right idiot."
"Sarah, I don't… really… I never meant to…"
"Months ago I asked you if you were gay," Sarah snarled, "When Hannah saw you two kissing at the dance… you swore blind to me there was nothing in it… why lie Craig? Why not come clean then?"
"I'm not… there wasn't…" Craig shook his head, how was he supposed to explain what had happened to someone else when he didn't even understand it himself. How could he tell Sarah one look from John Paul's bright blue eyes or one touch of his lips could stop the world from turning whilst making his head spin. "I never wanted to hurt you," Craig said quietly.
"You've humiliated me. How d'you think I feel everyone knowing that my boyfriend has decided to be gay?"
"I didn't decide to be anything," Craig said trying to stay calm. "And I'm not gay… I… I don't think… I just…"
"What?"
"I just fell in love Sarah…"
Craig let out a cry of surprise and pain as Sarah's hand connected with his face, the sound of the slap ringing loudly against the quiet of the street.
With tears filling her eyes Sarah turned and walked away.
"I'm sorry," Craig called after her as he rubbed at the stinging of his cheek.
"Go to hell," Sarah called back, her voice trembling with tears, "Both of you… I hate you…"
--
John Paul smiled in sympathy as Craig finished speaking, his hand instinctively reaching to touch Craig's cheek in a need to take away the pain of Sarah's strike and the hurt of Sarah's words.
"She didn't mean it," John Paul said. "She's just upset, she'll get over it…"
Craig returned John Paul's smile, leaning his head on his boyfriend's shoulder as their fingers laced together. As much as he regretted hurting Sarah in that way and as much as he anticipated and feared more backlash from his relationship with John Paul he knew, as the blonde man kissed the top of his head and they sat together in a contented quiet, needing nothing more than to be with each other, he knew that it was worth it.
"So what you doing later?" Craig asked after a pause.
"Nothing planned, why?"
"Thought you might like to come round to mine for a meal…"
"What?" John Paul's eyes widened in surprise.
"Yeah you know, just you… me… mum…"
"What?" John Paul sat forward and turned to observed his boyfriend closely, trying to decide if the older man was joking.
"I want her to see us John Paul… I need her to know that we're for real…"
"Your mum?"
"Yeah…"
"Just the three of us?"
"Err… yeah…"
"Great," John Paul said with a fake smile, "Sounds like fun!"
"There you go," Craig laughed as he kissed John Paul's lips forcefully, "Now you're getting the hang of sarcasm!"
--
"John Paul." Frankie's tone was cool and her eyes showed little emotion as she greeted the young blonde man.
"Mrs Osborne," John Paul replied somewhat nervously as he entered the flat above the Dog. He had been welcomed into Craig's home countless times before but it had always been as a friend, entering the flat as Craig's boyfriend changed everything and John Paul had never felt so ill at ease in such familiar surroundings before.
"Take a seat, I'll put the kettle on." Frankie watched as John Paul moved into the living room and sat beside her youngest son on the sofa.
She didn't know what that young man had said or done to make Craig believe the things he did but Frankie Osborne knew in her heart that her son wasn't gay, that it was all some foolish experiment of youth that would end as quickly as it had begun, she just needed to be able to make Craig see that.
Craig smiled as John Paul sat down beside him, their fingers lacing together between them in a mutual show of support. Craig still couldn't understand what had happened to make him feel the way he did, to make his heart beat so fast at the very sight of John Paul's bright blue eyes, he had never once expected to fall in love with his friend, with another man, but he had and it was the most incredible feeling in the world. He didn't know if that made him gay or bi-sexual or something else all together. All he really knew was that it made him the happiest he had ever been. He was in love and it was real, he just need to be able to make his mother see that.
"Well this is nice," Frankie lied as she handed mugs of tea to the two boys. "Dinner won't be long…"
"Great," John Paul said with a forced smile as he looked into the murky colour of his drink and took a sip of the insipid liquid. "It was really nice of you to… err… invite me round…"
Frankie shrugged. "It was what Craig wanted," she said, her words implying that having John Paul in her home at that moment in time was the very last thing she wanted. "And I suppose I should get to know my son's… friend…"
"Boyfriend," Craig said quickly.
Frankie's lips pursed together, her expression one of distaste at the word that had come from her son's mouth. It wasn't that she disliked John Paul, he had always been a pleasant young man, and it wasn't even that she cared about him being gay. It was just the way he had somehow confused Craig into thinking that whatever it was between them could or should be more than friendship.
"Well… we'll see," Frankie replied.
"Mum!" Craig said with a sigh, "We're together… me and John Paul… you need to accept that, I need you to accept it… please mum…"
Frankie put down her drink and looked at the two young men. Despite the fact that they were both rapidly leaving their teenage years behind, in her, more experience eyes, they were still only children, they knew nothing of life, or of love, how could they really know what they were feeling?
"Look John Paul," Frankie began softly, "I know that you believe that you and Craig have something real between you…"
"We do," John Paul replied with a warm smile. "I love Craig Mrs Osborne, I'm sorry if that makes you unhappy…"
"I'm sure that right now you believe that," Frankie continued, "But you're both so young… and I know you've become very close friends and sometimes it's easy to confuse one kind of love for another…"
"Mum," Craig said as he rested his hand on John Paul's knee and stared his mother squarely in the eye. "I do know the difference between a mate and a… and a lover…" Craig blushed slightly at he spoke but he carried on because he needed her to understand that this wasn't just a whim. "This isn't just a spur of the moment thing you know… I tried to fight what I was feeling… I didn't WANT to fall in love with John Paul… but I did… and I love him, more than… more than I knew I could… please understand, we didn't just jump into bed together for a laugh…"
Frankie visibly flinched at Craig's words. In her mind she had never allowed herself to believe that things between the two boys had made it as far as the bedroom, choosing instead to tell herself that there had been nothing more than a few confused kisses, the idea that there had been anything more intimate wasn't something that she was ready to face.
The sound of the oven timer shrilly announcing that the meal was ready broke the tension in the room and gave Frankie a much welcomed reason to get up and walk away.
"This is fun," John Paul said quietly once Frankie was out of earshot.
"I'm sorry," Craig said with an apologetic smile.
"It's not your fault…"
"I do appreciate you coming round…"
"How could I resist such a fun evening?"
The two men giggled softly, their foreheads leaning against each other as they whispered together.
Frankie watched silently for a second. There was no mistaking the smile on her son's face, or the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at John Paul and, under different circumstances, Frankie Osborne might have said that her son was in love. Different circumstances mainly being if the object of his affections had been a girl. She looked away quickly as she saw John Paul's hand stroke gently against Craig's cheek and their faces move towards a kiss.
There was a silence as the three occupants of the dinner table began their meal. John Paul scooped up a large forkful of the over-cooked lasagne and smiled at Frankie as he began to chew. The contents of his mouth were dry and lacking in any real flavour making it difficult to swallow but John Paul finally managed to and braced himself to repeat the experience.
"This is a bit overdone," Craig said as he pushed his food around his plate.
"It's fine," John Paul quickly replied, his eyes flashing a warning at his boyfriend. The last thing they needed was another reason to get Frankie offside. "Really Mrs Osborne, it's delicious." As if to prove his point John Paul devoured another large mouthful quickly and forced himself not to reach instantly for a drink to wash it down.
The meal continued in an uncomfortable silence for some time, broken only by the scrape of cutlery against plates as the three diners tried to pretend that everything was relaxed and casual while they each wished that they could be anywhere else instead.
"I suppose you'll miss Craig when he moves to Dublin," Frankie said to John Paul as she finished the last of her food. "But when you're apart… well I think you'll both soon move on and…"
"I won't just forget about him," John Paul interrupted. The young man felt as if he'd spent a long lifetime searching for Craig and he knew, without a hint of doubt, that something as simple as a sea between them would not alter his feelings for one second.
"You're young John Paul," Frankie said kindly, "And I know that you think what you feel for my son will last forever but feelings change, people change and once you're both caught up in your new lives I'm sure that what you feel right now… well it just wont seem as important anymore…"
"Mrs Osborne," John Paul smiled. He knew that the woman was only concerned for her son, that she wanted the best for him and she wanted him to be happy. What she didn't realise is that John Paul wanted those exact same things, but more than that, he wanted to be a part of those things. "I love Craig… and if he disappeared from my life tomorrow and I never saw him again I would still love him until the day I died…"
Frankie opened her mouth to object to such a ludicrous claim but her words faltered as she saw something strange deep inside John Paul's brilliant blue eyes. There was something more than just the young blonde man, something deeper than a youthful desire and more long lasting than a childish dream. For a moment Frankie wondered if maybe, just maybe, John Paul knew something more of life than she had anticipated. For a moment Frankie believed that his love for her son really was eternal.
"Well we'll see," Frankie said as she tore her gaze from the mysteries of John Paul's eyes and instead looked towards her son. "Craig will be leaving soon enough." There was a sadness in Frankie's words as she smiled at the boy who had become a man, and the man who had always been her pride and joy. The idea of him being away from home broke her heart, but the knowledge of what he would achieve and how happy it would make him was worth that pain.
"Mum," Craig sighed with a need for understanding filling the chocolate depths of his rich brown eyes. "I don't plan on forgetting John Paul when I'm in Dublin…"
"I know you don't but…"
"Cause I was going to ask him to come with me…"
The silence was absolute and not even the sound of a breath seemed to penetrate it.
Craig turned to look at John Paul. He had been planning to ask John Paul to join him in Dublin later that evening when they were alone, the thought of being without the man he had fallen so heavily for was unbearable, but instead he blurted it out in front of his mother.
John Paul's eyes were wide with surprise. Moving to Dublin with Craig had never even crossed his mind but rather he had chosen to deliberately ignore the fact that the dark haired man was due to leave in only a couple of weeks, concentrating instead on every moment they could spend together.
For a moment John Paul's mind was filled with images of the two of them in some small flat, sharing their lives and being far happier than he ever thought possible. A moment later he could see himself standing with Craig at the airport waiting to leave England far behind and that was when he knew his answer.
Just as John Paul opened his mouth to speak so did Frankie.
"Craig you can't…"
"Craig I can't…"