A/N: Wow thanks for the reviews. The first chapter moved a little faster than I normally write, so sorry if it didn't flow well. Maybe I'll fix it up later.

As for this chapter, I think it's a little better written. I love writing Pip, he's so british. And yeah 'On shantie' is supposed to be 'enchanté' but it's Clyde, he's not that bright.

Oh and sorry the chapters are so short... I have a short attention span.

I hate this stupid french piece of crap. He keeps saying things like 'rather' and 'jolly good'. I'd rather like to give him a jolly good kick in the face.

Whatever, this fag's practically doing the whole project for me.

This is a perfect time to formulate my plan. Here it is so far:

Phase 1) Kick Kyle's ass

Phase 2)

Phase 3) Become Cartman's new best friend

It's perfect. The only problem is phase one, I'm not exactly the most fit kid in school. Kyle plays basketball and his overprotective pussy of a friend plays football. How can I compete with that? I knew I should've taken weight training with Token and Jimmy.

I could always call in some favors, but then again Kyle's so well liked. Maybe there's another way to get Kyle out of the picture.

Why do I wanna be best friends with Cartman again?

Oh yeah, so he can tutor me in Chemistry... I think.

"Clyde, oh dear! Are you alright old chap? You look a bit distracted, have you been writing down the data?"

Oh shit have I? I look at my paper... All I've done is write 'Eric Cartman' fifty times and doodled Kyle being eaten my rabid turkeys. Fuck.

"I um... you said it was my job to, uh, draw atoms or something," I think he did say that between all the 'pip pip cheerios' and the 'on shanties'.

"Right-o, my good man! I suppose I'll take down the data while you construct the molecules!"

Right-o indeed old bean.

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Look at them, they make me sick. Arguing like an old married couple, it's like they're making out... through insults or something.

"Well maybe if you did something other than stuff your face with cheezy poofs we'd be done already!" His stupid ginger stupid hands made stupid angry fists at that.

"I told you, dickhole, me starving to death doesn't count as a science expiriment. You'll have to come up with something better if you want us to get an A."

I snorted, way to put that bitch in his place. Maybe Eric'd kill Kyle on his own and I'd have nothing to worry about.

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"Dude can I borrow your history notes?"

I looked up at Craig, he really thought I took notes?

"Not you Clyde I was talking to Tweek"

Tweek jumped at his name, "Wha-what?! History notes?! Jesus Christ I can't even pay attention in that class! Too many assassinations man! Politicians are crazier than--"

"--you?" I joked, earning Craig's middle finger.

"Fine, maybe I'll ask kyle, where the fuck is he?" his little blue earflaps flipped around as he scanned the room.

Oh yeah, Kyle's in this study hall too. Or he is usually... where is he? He must've gone to the bathroom, maybe this is my chance to get him alone. I pocket a pair of safety scissors... maybe I can shank him... safely.

"I've gotta take a piss," I announce getting up quickly, dashing for the bathroom pass before Craig can make a 'thanks for the news flash' joke.

I slip out the door like a ninja, I feel so 'Mission Impossible'. Ha, I can even hear the music as I turn the corner towards the bathroom.

Phew, okay almost there, you can do this Clyde, he's not that tough. I prep myself at the bathroom door, wait, shit what if he's peeing? I can't kick his ass while his wang hangs out. I press my ear to the door cautiously. Well, I can hear him in there, he sounds weird... I open the door a little and peer inside.

I can barely see Kyle, yeah he's definitely in there. There's someone else in there too... they're talking.

"If you want this fucking project done I have to get back to class," That's Kyle, I can tell my his stupid jew voice.

"Maybe you'd have it done if you could keep your junk in your pants," Who's that? Sounds familiar...

"It's be easier if you kept your hands out of them, fatass!" no way...

"Don't pretend you don't love it" It's him, it's Cartman!

I had to look, I couldn't believe it, I had to see. Why'd I have to look, there they are. Cartman has him pinned to wall, his tongue half-way down his throat.

I think I'm gonna puke.