Listen to me
Just hear me out
If I could have your attention
Just quieten down for a voice in the crowd
John Paul's chest heaved as he pulled desperate gasps of air into his burning lungs and fell onto the stone seating beside the fountain.
The last few minutes had gone by in a blur of confusion and fear.
Only one thing remained clear in John Paul's mixed up mind. Craig had asked him to go to Dublin.
If anyone had told him that the dark haired man was planning such a thing John Paul would have laughed and told them they were insane; but he would have also been pleased at the thought of moving away from the small village that always seemed to be judging him and starting a new life with the man he loved.
So why was it that, when Craig did make such a suggestion, the only emotion that raged through John Paul's chest was fear. The second the words had left Craig's lips John Paul was gripped with absolute terror and the knowledge, the absolute certainty, that if he agreed to leave with Craig it would spell the end of everything. He didn't know why his belief was so clear, but if felt as conclusive as the knowledge of his own name.
He couldn't do it… he shouldn't do it.
John Paul couldn't even remember leaving the flat above The Dog, he had a vague recollection of stammering something about having to go and then he ran. He literally ran away as fast as he could manage, racing through the streets that blurred past him until his feet brought him to the strange sense of security that he always felt beneath the fountains knowing smile.
The figure at the centre of the fountain looked as if she had watched over the world for many years, observing the lives of the inhabitants of her small village and laughing to herself at the foolish choices they sometimes made.
Closing his eyes John Paul rubbed his hands over his face, his whole body was trembling and, although he tried to tell himself it was from the sudden exertion, he knew it was pure panic that was making him shake so badly.
John Paul shook his head in a vain attempt to clear his thoughts but the movement simply served to jumble them up even more until he wasn't certain what was true and what only existed in his imagination.
Snippets of conversations tumbled together in his head; some he recalled and others were unknown but still strangely familiar.
"I love you Craig, you have to believe that. I love you."
"Where we can lock ourselves up and hide away from the world, yeah?"
"I can't do this… not if you're not sure… not if… not if we have to hide away, or lie, or…"
"After everything that's happened, you're just gonna walk away?"
"Help me try… John Paul this… this can't stop, what we have between us… I need you… I love you…"
"You and Sarah… outside Il Gnosh… I saw you…"
"Is that how we're gonna live our lives, is it? Hiding away from everyone? Feeling....feeling ashamed?"
"I chose you, because I love you… I want you…"
"What? What's gonna happen when we get to Dublin, eh? Is it gonna be, 'Maybe when we are in our second year?' 'Maybe when we graduate?' I mean when? You don't know who you are."
"Craig… I can't…"
How was it that words he knew he hadn't spoken, hadn't heard, felt as real as those that had left his lips less than ten minutes earlier? How was it that the very second Craig Dean handed him his dream John Paul ran away in fear?
And how was it that, even before he opened his eyes again, John Paul knew that Craig was standing before him?
"What was all that about?" Craig asked quietly. His voice held no hint of anger, just confusion and hurt. He couldn't understand how John Paul could have reacted the way he did, why his suggestion would make the man flee as if his very life depended on it.
"I'm sorry," John Paul whispered as he opened his eyes and slowly raised his head.
The sight before him made him gasp with an almost physical pain. It felt like Craig had been his dream for so long, for his lifetime and more, and as he looked at the hurt in the man's deep brown eyes John Paul could feel that dream slipping away from him.
"I'm sorry," John Paul repeated. What else could he say? How could he explain a feeling he didn't understand? How could he tell Craig that he wanted nothing more than to spend his life with him but at the same time he knew it could never be, that he couldn't keep hold of the dream that was never really meant to be his?
"What happened?" Craig asked as he moved to sit beside the blonde man. Resting his hand lightly on John Paul's leg Craig was surprised to feel that the younger man was trembling and deep inside John Paul's brilliant azure eyes he could see a confusion far deeper that the one he felt. "Why did you run off like that?"
"I don't know," John Paul admitted, "I just… I don't know… I was scared…"
"Of what? Me? Mum? Dublin?"
"Yes… No… I don't… Craig I…" John Paul shook his head and turned his face away from Craig's penetrating stare. "I love you…" John Paul's words were nothing more than a soft whisper that seemed to hang gently in the air between them for a second before drifting away into nothing.
"Do you not want to be with me?" Craig asked, his voice catching and unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "Do you… do you wanna finish with me?"
"What? No… god Craig no…" John Paul turned back to face the dark haired man, startled to see the shine of teardrops mingled with fear in his eyes. "No I promise you, that's not it…"
John Paul reached his shaking hands to Craig's face, cupping it gently, the tremors ending as soon as he came into contact with Craig's soft skin. Brushing his thumbs gently over Craig's cheeks John Paul wiped away a stray tear that tumbled downwards.
"I love you Craig Dean," John Paul said calmly, his voice radiating with conviction and love.
Raising his hands to hold onto John Paul's wrists Craig's brow furrowed. "So why did you run? Please John Paul I don't understand…"
"Neither do I, it's just… I felt…"
"What?"
"Scared…"
"You said," Craig's grip on John Paul's wrists tightening as he spoke. "But of what? I don't understand… so you don't want to come to Dublin… OK I get that…"
"But I…" John Paul hesitated; his head swam with a million different thoughts, each one contradicting its predecessor in an unending dance of truths and lies, fears and hopes until John Paul was no longer certain of anything, not even who he was.
The chocolate pools of Craig's eyes pleaded with John Paul for reassurance, a desperate need to be told that what the man was feeling, what he had risked and fought for wasn't about to be thrown away.
"John Paul?" The name was barely a breath of a whisper, a tiny sigh that nevertheless resonated inside John Paul's heart and mind and, for an instant, cleared everything away but one resounding truth. He loved Craig and, he realised as he allowed himself to fall into the depths of his lover's eyes, that love was far greater than any fear ever could be.
"I do want to come to Dublin… if you still want me to…"
"You're sure?" Craig asked uncertainly, "You're not just saying that?"
"I…" John Paul bit his lip, the fear was still there, the unreasonable feeling that going to Dublin would mean losing Craig forever but at the same time John Paul's heart told him that going with Craig was the only thing he could do, the one thing in life he knew that he should do. "I'm sure," he said with a small smile, "I want to be with you Craig… I'm sorry about before; I guess you just took me by surprise… so? Do you still want me?"
Craig's face broke into the widest brightest smile that John Paul had ever seen and the younger man's heart beat out a strong message of love as Craig's hands moved to the back of his neck, pulling the man close and sealing their commitment to each other with a deep, soft kiss that made them both sigh contentedly.
The sun was beginning to set over the village as the two young men sat together on the cool stone bench and spoke of their dreams and hopes for the future. Where they would live, what they would do, a million different and exciting opportunities seemed to be laid out before them and they wanted to grab onto each one with enthusiasm.
"I should go and talk to my mum," John Paul said as he got reluctantly to his feet, his fingers still laced tightly with Craig's, unwilling or unable to let go.
"Do you have to?" Craig complained, rising to stand before the man he still couldn't believe he loved and brushing one hand over his hip.
"She needs to know what we're planning," John Paul replied, a soft groan escaping his lips as Craig's fingers continued to stroke over his hip and down his thigh. "She should hear it from me…"
"I suppose…" Craig agreed as he leant forward and stole a warm kiss. "Or you could stay here with me a bit longer." Leaning forward again Craig claimed a deeper kiss, his tongue teasing against John Paul's full soft lips, which parted gratefully as Craig's tongue pushed inside his mouth.
John Paul's resolve to leave melted away under the heat of Craig's mouth, making him forget everything but the feeling of Craig's deep kiss, the warmth of the man's body as it pressed against his own and the deep unending love and desire that flowed through his veins making his heart beat ever faster.
Craig sank deeper into John Paul's embrace. Nothing had ever felt so exciting or so perfect as kissing his best friend did, no one had ever made him feel so loved or so desired, no one had ever promised Craig a future and made him believe it.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
The two men had been so consumed by their desire for each other that they had forgotten themselves, giving in to the deep passion that filled them and ignoring everything but each other.
Neither had heard the approaching footsteps or had been away that they weren't alone until a hand gripped John Paul's shoulder and dragged him roughly away from Craig's arms.
"I sad what the fuck are you doing?" Jake spat, his dark eyes flashing with absolute anger as his gaze snapped back and forth between his younger brother and the man who was… who was making Craig do something he shouldn't.
"Jake… Please…" Craig stammered in shock and confusion, "It's alright…"
"How can it be alright?" Jake shouted furiously, "You and him were… you were…"
"We were kissing Jake," John Paul said calmly.
"Don't you speak to me," Jake growled. Realising that his hand was still gripping John Paul's shoulder he shoved the younger man from him, causing John Paul to stagger back a few paces. "Don't you even THINK about speaking to me…"
"Jake calm down," Craig pleaded. "Let me explain…"
"Explain? Explain what you and him were… what's he making you do Craig?"
"He's not making me DO anything… Jake we're… we're together…"
Jake looked at his younger brother as if he were observing a stranger, his eyes wide and filled with loathing before spinning to look at the blonde man who, obviously, was the cause of all this madness.
"You keep your filthy queer hands off my brother," Jake threatened. "He doesn't need your type messing with his head…"
"We're not doing anything wrong," John Paul reasoned, "We're… we're in love…"
"Love?" Jake said with a bitter laugh that quickly turned to an angry sneer. "I said you keep your hands of him… or…"
"Or?"
John Paul staggered backwards before his legs buckled and he stumbled to he floor. He hadn't seen the blow that felled him, and was surprised to find himself sitting on the ground with a warm trickle of blood weeping from a cut on his mouth.
"Jake stop it," Craig shouted as he quickly moved to position himself between his brother and his love. "Don't you dare lay another finger on him…"
"Get out of my way Craig…"
"No! I mean it Jake… you don't ever touch him again… I love him…"
Jake paused. Logically he knew that he had the strength to push his brother out of the way and finish what he had started but there was something about the look in Craig's eyes that made him stop, realising that the boy he had once been able to shove around had grown into a strong man without him noticing.
"This isn't over," Jake said before turning to walk away.
"Yes it is," Craig promised him as he bent down to help John Paul up.
Despite the blood on his lips and the bruising around his mouth John Paul was smiling and, as he got to his feet he couldn't contain a laugh that was bubbling up inside him.
"What's so funny?" Craig asked with puzzlement.
"I don't know," John Paul giggled, "I just… I don't know I… I can't believe that you told Jake you love me…"
"Well I do! And I don't care what anyone thinks."
"But… but he's your brother… what if he never speaks to you again?"
Craig shrugged as he pressed his palm to John Paul's cheek. "Then it's his loss," he said gently. "As long as I've got you nothing else matters."
Craig could taste the metallic tang of blood as he kissed John Paul's damaged mouth. The blonde man winced as the pressure of Craig's lips renewed the pain of Jake's punch.
"Sorry," Craig whispered.
"It's OK," John Paul replied. "You were worth it… you were worth all of it…"
John Paul took a deep breath as he stood at his front door, his fingers touched lightly at the cut on his mouth that was surrounded by bruising and already turning a deep angry purple. If John Paul understood one thing about his family it was that the sight of one of them being hurt would bring out a ferocious loyalty that could turn back an advancing army, and the last thing he needed now was a war with the Dean's.
With another steadying breath John Paul pushed open the door and whispered a silent prayer that his family would already be in bed.
Luck was not on his side.
Myra was slumped on the sofa watching television and turned to smile at her son as he entered the room, the smile dying on her lips as she saw the damage to his face and she was by his side so quickly that John Paul hardly saw her move.
"What happened?" Myra asked as she touched her son's cheek gently, her finger brushing lightly over the damage so recently inflicted on her boy, sharing his pain as he winced at the touch.
"It's nothing," John Paul assured his mother, catching her wrist to move her hand from his face.
"John Paul," Myra said sternly, "I asked what happened…"
For a moment John Paul considered lying, a simple fabrication would have done, a fight with someone he didn't know, an argument with someone, a thousand possibilities that seemed more tempting than the truth.
But, as Myra's deep penetrating stare bore into her son's eyes he knew he couldn't lie to her. He had never been any good at lying to his mother, even as a child she had been able to see through him and, for some reason he couldn't quite explain, he felt as if he had betrayed the woman who had give so much to him enough in his life.
"It was Jake," John Paul said quietly, turning to walk towards the kitchen.
"Jake? Jake Dean?"
"Yeah…"
"Why… what…?"
"I guess he doesn't like the idea of be being with his brother!" John Paul shrugged sadly as he filled the kettle, more for something to do than any real desire for a hot drink. Somehow he had always known that Craig's family, Jake especially, wouldn't approve of the love the two boys had found together but he had still hoped that somehow, someway, they would be able to accept the truth of their love when they saw it.
"Wait till I get my hands on…" Myra began angrily.
"Mum no," John Paul interrupted, laying a calming hand on his mother's shoulder, his blue eyes so gentle that the woman hesitated in her anger.
"But he…"
"It doesn't matter." John Paul smiled. Despite the pain of the bruising around his mouth it wasn't the feel of Jake's fist against his lips that he could remember but the tenderness of Craig's kiss.
"He…"
"Mum, please…" Gripping Myra's shoulders tightly John Paul looked deeply into the eyes of the person who loved him more than anyone else ever had, until Craig. "I don't want any trouble, it's dealt with… Just let it go… please, for me…"
"But he hurt my boy…"
"I'm fine… it's nothing… one little cut, a bruise, it'll be gone before we know it… but…" John Paul smiled and a small laugh escaped from his lips.
"What?"
"Craig…he… he defended me… I never thought, I never dared hope… he just stood to Jake up for me… I never thought he would be able to do that but he never even hesitated… He loves me mum… he really does…"
Myra smiled, a small smile tinged with sadness. She could see so much in her son's beautiful blue eyes, love, hope, excitement and the knowledge that she was going to lose him, that he was no longer her little boy.
"Ok I won't do anything to Jake Dean," Myra conceded reluctantly, "But if he ever touches you again…"
"He won't," John Paul assured her, "He won't be able to…"
"How do you mean?"
"Mum… I… we… Craig's asked me to go to Dublin with him… and I said yes…"
"John Paul you can't… You and Craig, you've only known each other five minutes…"
"Mum," John Paul spoke gently, kindly, he knew that his mother hated to see her children leave but he also knew that he had to go. "I've known him all my life… I feel like I've wasted so much time when I could have been loving him… I have to do this, I have to go with him cause if I don't… I love him mum, so much… I can't be without him, I just can't…"
Myra opened her mouth to argue but the certainty in her son's words, in his eyes, stilled her tongue. There was a wisdom in his gaze far beyond his years and Myra felt a comfort in his stare, somehow she knew he was doing the right thing.
"You know you can always come home again if it doesn't work out," she said finally.
"I know," John Paul replied but, as he pulled his mother into a tight embrace, they both felt sure that it wasn't an option he would ever have to take.
The door of the flat above the Dog in the Pond slammed closed behind Craig. He had pushed it with such anger that the echo of the slam reverberated around the room.
Frankie turned to look at him from her place on the sofa, her cheeks were marked with recently shed tears and her hand was holding Jake's as the man sat beside her.
"If you ever lay another finger on him…" Craig began, his eyes flashing angrily at his brother. He had never known he was capable of such rage but, the second that Craig had seen Jake's fist strike John Paul's face he had been ready to explode. It was somewhat ironic that it was Jake's action that finally sealed the certainty of Craig's love. The very thought of the man being hurt tore at his heart and he knew that he would do anything in his power to protect the blue eyed boy that he adored, even to the extent of turning his back on his entire family.
"It's disgusting," Jake spat, "What you and him are… it makes me sick… just look what you've done to mum…"
Craig let his gaze flick to his mother for a moment and the sadness in her eyes cut him deeply, but seeing her pain didn't even rival the way he felt when he saw John Paul attacked.
"I've done nothing wrong," Craig said calmly but firmly. "All I've done is fall in love and if you can't handle that then…"
"It's not right," Jake said as he got to his feet, "It's sick… perverted…"
"Why?" Craig asked, turning his full attention to his older brother. "Cause it's not what you expected? Not what you wanted? Well guess what… it's not what I expected either… but I love him… I love John Paul and if you… if either of you can't accept that… if I have to choose between him and you… he wins every time Jake… every time…"
"You're sick…"
"Me? I'm not the one going around punching people for no reason…"
"No reason? When I saw that pervert with his tongue down my brother's throat…"
"I was kissing him Jake… me… I was kissing John Paul, and you know what… it felt amazing… the best I've ever known..."
Jake stepped towards his brother, his fists clenched as his sides as Craig observed him defiantly.
When Craig had first felt himself becoming attracted to John Paul the idea had terrified him. He wasn't gay and he had no right to be feeling the way he was. He couldn't understand why his mind was constantly filled with thoughts of his best friend, why every inch of him would ache with a longing to be touched by those gentle hands, to be held by those strong arms and to be loved by that amazing man. He had fought against his feelings for so long and so hard but throughout it all his heart had never once failed in its conviction.
He had fallen in love and, when he finally accepted it, Craig had discovered peace and nothing and no one was ever going to take it from him.
"You disgust me," Jake snarled.
"Likewise," Craig replied.
Jake's chest rose and fell as his breathing grew more and more ragged and the desire to floor his brother, to knock some sense into him, boiled through his veins.
"Go on Jake, you know you want to," Craig goaded, "Why don't you show us what a real man you are…"
Jake's teeth ground together as he raised his fist, his body trembling as he prepared to strike his brother.
"Stop it!" Frankie screamed as she raced to her sons and placed herself between them. "Just stop it…"
"But he's…" Jake stammered.
"Jake no… no more… this ends now…"
"You don't like what he's doing any more than I do."
Frankie looked between her two sons. They were so alike and yet so very different. She was proud of them both in so many ways and yet she feared for them every day. But ultimately they were her children and she loved them.
"I don't have to like it," Frankie said, taking a hold of Jake's fist and pushing it down till it hung by his side. "And neither do you… but I won't have my boys fighting… do you hear me? I won't have it."
"He's no brother of mine," Jake said as he shrugged Frankie's hand from him and, casting one last glare at his young brother, he stamped from the room, the door slamming closed behind him.
Frankie turned her attention to Craig, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at her baby boy who had grown into a strong young man.
"Craig," She began gently, "Are you sure this is really what you want?"
"I love him mum," Craig explained, "I didn't just decide to feel this way… you think I want my life to suddenly be this complicated? You think I wouldn't rather love some girl that you would all approve of?"
"It's not that I don't approve…"
"But you don't…"
"I don't understand…"
"I love him… what's so complicated about that?"
"He's really what you want?"
"He's all I want…"
"I just want you to be happy Craig," Frankie said as she slipped her arms around her young sons shoulders and pulled him close, tears trickling warmly down her cheeks.
"John Paul makes me happy… more than I've ever been."
"I love you Craig," Frankie whispered into her son's hair, "No matter who you choose to be with."
"Thanks mum," Craig replied as he returned his mother's embrace. He knew that she didn't really understand his feelings, that she probably didn't even believe that they were real, but the fact that she was prepared to support him was more than he had hoped for and it would be enough. For now.
John Paul stood in silent contemplation in the middle of his bedroom. It seemed smaller than it ever had before, filled with possessions that belonged to another life, another person.
It was the room of a young boy, a child almost. A variety of posters splashed colour over the walls and the blue starry duvet cover that had kept the young McQueen warm through many winter nights covered the single bed.
Yes, it was the room of a boy and John Paul was now a man. A man who was ready to leave that room, that house and that village behind as he reached for stars of his own.
With one hand resting on the large canvas bag that sat on the middle of his bed John Paul smiled to himself as he wondered which of his sisters would lay claim to his vacant room first. He could almost hear their squabbles as each insisted that it was their "right" to be given a room of their own.
They were welcome to it, he wouldn't need it anymore… he hoped he wouldn't need it anymore.
Letting his hand fall from the bag that contained everything he was taking to Dublin with him John Paul walked over to the mirror that hung, slightly crookedly, on one wall and looked at himself.
There were times when his reflection almost took him by surprise. Catching a glimpse of himself unexpectedly would make John Paul start and wonder, just for a moment, why he looked so young, making him laugh a second later as he realised the looked the same as he always did. He looked his age, how else should he look?
Turning his head slightly to one side John Paul looked into his own eyes. Sometimes lately he could see an echo in them of a sadness he didn't recall but it would unsettle him, making him wonder what it was that could make his eyes look so sad when his heart felt so full.
In only a few hours he would be boarding a plane that would take him to his future. He couldn't recall ever being so happy or so hopeful, but in the depths of his eyes lingered something else. A hint of fear, or doubt, an unnerving suggestion that maybe, just maybe, everything could still go wrong and as he looked that fear started to gnaw at him.
"You all ready?"
John Paul was pulled from his reverie by the voice of his mother standing just inside his bedroom door. There was a melancholy in her eyes that John Paul could understand, the sorrow of a mother preparing to say goodbye to her child. No amount of hope for his future would ever really take away that sting of knowing he would be so far away.
"As I'll ever be," John Paul replied, catching a final glimpse of himself in the mirror as he turned to Myra, and smiling at the hope he could see in the face reflected back at him, a hope that seemed to wipe away his fears.
Pulling her son into her arms Myra did all she could to fight off her tears, but they still escaped to tumble freely over her cheeks as she held John Paul close. She wanted him to be happy, of course she did, her was her son, her joy, her pride, but she couldn't help worrying about his future. He would be so far away from home, what if it all went wrong? He might believe that he loved Craig now but they were so young, anything could happen.
"It's gonna be OK you know," John Paul said gently, almost as if he could sense his mother's concerns.
"You're really sure you want to go?" Myra asked as she pulled back from her son's embrace and roughly brushed the tears from her cheeks. "Cause it's still not too late to change your mind…"
"I love him mum," John Paul replied, as if that simple statement explained it all and, in so many ways, it did. "I have to be with him… I have to try, even if… I just have to…"
"I'll miss you…"
"Me too… but I'll come home when I can… and I'll call… you'll hardly know I'm gone!"
With a sad smile Myra McQueen pulled her son back into her arms and squeezed him tightly, storing up the memory of him for when he would no longer be there.
---
Craig stood in the chill of the September air, his case by his feet, as he looked around his familiar surroundings. To his back was The Dog in the Pond, a pub that had been his home for many years, bringing a security and comfort into his life that has been missing since Johnno Dean had walked out on his family. Within those walls Craig had watched his mother find happiness again and he, in turn, had discovered a father figure in Jack Osborne that had helped give him the courage to be the man he now was.
In front of Craig was the car park. It stood empty, waiting for the day to begin but when it did Craig would be long gone as he left behind the life he knew for the future he could only dream of.
"You got everything?" Frankie asked, placing her hands on her son's shoulders as she stood behind him. Her fingers trembled slightly as she gripped Craig firmly, but it wasn't the cool air that was making her shiver.
"I think so," Craig replied, reaching his hands to cover his mother's gently. He could hear the trepidation in her voice and feel it in her touch, but somehow he knew that her concerns were unfounded.
"Are you sure about this Craig?" Frankie asked as she moved to face her son. "You and John Paul… it's only been a few weeks… you hardly know him, not really… living together… it's such a big step… it's not too late to back out you know… no one would think any less of you for it…"
"I would," Craig said with a soft smile. "I know what I'm doing mum… I… I've never been so sure of anything in my life… John Paul he… he's my best friend… and I love him… I really love him…"
Cupping her son's face Frankie kissed Craig's cheeks gently as warm tears tumbled silently over her own. The thought of losing Craig to another country tore at her heart but the knowledge that he was taking such a risk starting a life with John Paul McQueen gripped her with fear.
Looking into Craig's soft brown eyes Frankie could see such confidence, such happiness, and she knew that she couldn't steal his dreams from him; all she could do was be there for him if it all went wrong.
"You know I don't care if you share your bed with a man or a woman or both of them… You're still my son."
"Thanks… thanks mum…"
"So we're finally getting rid of you?" Steph said with a laugh, slapping her younger brother on the back before hugging him tightly. "About time too…"
"Ahh you know you'll miss me really," Craig laughed.
"Nah… not so much…" Steph replied with a wide grin, squeezing her brother tightly before releasing him and stepping back. "You just be happy OK?"
"I plan to!"
"I hope you've booked a double seat on that plan for you and your degree sized brain!"
"Oh comedy," Craig smiled as he took hold of Steph's hands gently, "That's what I'll miss the most."
"You're gonna have the best time Craig… just don't mess it up by thinking about things too much."
"What me over-analyse? Never!"
Craig laughed softly. He knew he was all too capable of over-thinking every situation until he could convince himself of the worst possible outcome but this time, this time was different. He didn't need to think about things where John Paul was concerned. His heart told him all he needed to know.
"You take care son," Jack said, shaking Craig's hand warmly. He might have only known the young man a few years but Jack had come to think of Craig as his own son and, as such, he couldn't be prouder of the strong man he had grown into.
"Thanks Jack… for everything…"
Looking around at his family the smile faded from Craig's face at the recognition of the one person who was not there to see him off.
"I tried to get him to come," Steph said kindly. "He will come round you know… he just needs some more time…"
"Maybe," Craig said with a shrug. "Doesn't matter…"
The small family stood in silence for a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts. Their hopes and fears, dreams and regrets, it might have only been Craig that was leaving for a new life but it was the end of an era for all of them.
The sound of a car engine made Craig look around, surprised, flashing a look of panic at his watch. The taxi had arrived to take them to the airport but John Paul was nowhere to be seen. Fear gripped at Craig's chest as he wondered if the blonde haired man had changed his mind.
Craig's eyes darted from Frankie to Steph to Jack, uncertain of what to say, but they could read his concerns all too clearly.
"Relax," Steph said with a warm smile, "The taxi's early… John Paul'll be… right here…"
Before Steph had finished talking John Paul ran breathlessly into the car park, his bag slung over one shoulder and his cheeks flushed from exertion.
"Sorry I'm late," he panted as he staggered to a halt before his boyfriend. "I couldn't get away… everyone wanted to say bye… oh and give us these…"
With a grimace John Paul held out a selection of placemats that had been gifted to him by his family. Each one bore the face of one of the McQueen's, reproduced with startling clarity.
"Nice," Craig lied before bursting into laughter. One look into John Paul's brilliant blue eyes had instantly dispelled all doubts and fears. Before him stood the man that Craig knew he was destined to spend his life with, nothing had ever felt so certain, and nothing would ever take that from him.
"I'm sure we'll find a drawer we can put them in," John Paul replied as he stuffed the gaudy placemats into his bag before smiling brightly at the man he loved more than any words he knew could ever explain. "So? You ready for this?"
Reaching for John Paul's hand Craig laced their fingers together tightly and kissed the younger man softly on the lips. "I've never been more ready for anything in my life."
"You two be good," Steph joked as she took the last opportunity to hug her brother close, pulling John Paul into the embrace at the same time. "You look after my brother you hear?" She warned with a smile.
"Always," John Paul promised as Craig blushed slightly and looked away.
Jack slipped his arm around Frankie's shoulders as the woman leant against him for support.
"They'll be fine love," he assured his wife.
"But it's going to be so hard for them… what if…"
"They'll be fine… look at them… they've got each other now."
Frankie Osborne watched as her youngest son and the man he had declared his love for walked towards the taxi, their fingers still laced together, not separating until the last second. Before climbing into the back of the cab John Paul and Craig stopped and looked at each other, their eyes shining brightly with love and, for the first time since hearing of their relationship, Frankie didn't feel afraid.
John Paul's eyes flickered nervously around the airport as they walked through the automatic doors, he couldn't locate the reason for his unease but it seemed to be growing with each passing second.
A myriad of travellers bustled around, each of them concentrating on their own destination, completely oblivious to the two young men who were about to embark on the biggest adventure of their lives.
John Paul couldn't remember ever having been to Liverpool's John Lennon Airport before, yet it felt eerily familiar and, as his eyes caught the words "Above us only sky" painted high on a wall before him he felt cold fingers trace a slow path down his spine.
Craig grinned, his smile bright and filled with joy and he dropped his bag to the floor with a grunt of exertion.
"Not long now," he said with excitement.
"Yeah," John Paul agreed with somewhat less enthusiasm. Not long for it all to go wrong. Not long before he would lose the man he loved and his life would begin to crumble.
Closing his eyes for a second John Paul shook his head in an attempt to dislodge the thoughts that made no sense but still clawed at his heart until he could feel his hands trembling with fear.
They had come so far together, fought for a love that meant so much, if it all failed now at the last hurdle John Paul didn't think he would cope, didn't think he would ever get over it.
"Everything OK?" Craig asked, brushing a soothing hand over John Paul's arm. "What's he doing here?" Craig tone changed from a gentle concern to outright annoyance in a split second and John Paul turned to follow Craig's gaze, his hand moving subconsciously to the semi-faded bruising around his mouth as he spotted Jake Dean walking towards them.
The fear in John Paul's chest expanded until he felt like he was about to explode. He had an overwhelming need to beg Craig not to talk to his brother, to drag the dark haired man away and hide with him until their flight was due. But he did neither of those things; instead he stood by passively as Craig strode towards his older brother with determination.
"Come to make absolutely sure I get on that plane have you?" Craig snapped bitterly as he neared Jake. His teeth clenched together and he had to do all he could to control his temper. This was the man who had recently attacked John Paul, who had shown disgust over something as precious as their love, but he was also the man who had held his family together when their father had walked out, the man who had always been there for his younger brother, until recently.
Jake looked away, unable to meet Craig's gaze. "This is really difficult for me, right," he said quietly.
"It's not about YOU."
"I'm sorry yeah, for all the things I've said… for hitting John Paul… I… I shouldn't have done that…"
"You really mean that?" Craig looked at his brother intensely, searching his face for evidence of his sincerity. Jakes dark eyes were downcast but Craig could see the regret in them.
"Yeah." Jake replied, "I mean suddenly my little brother fancied fellas, I couldn't handle it… thinking about what you and…"
"Just don't think about it then."
"Just seems like our whole lives were a lie. I mean when did you start thinking like this? Was it because dad left? Is it something I did?"
Craig laughed, a sound made from frustration rather than amusement. Why did there have to be someone to blame for how Craig felt? "We can't have this conversation now Jake."
"I was just so angry that you mucked everything up," Jake explained. He had had such hopes for his little brother's future, but none of that had included a gay love affair and Jake couldn't reconcile his brother's happiness with this new life he seemed to have chosen.
"And what's changed?"
"We've always stood by each other yeah? No matter what… I just want you to know, you're my brother and I love you and if you're happy with this gay thing then…" Jake bit his lip. He had struggled all night as he decided if he should see his brother off to his future, deciding that he couldn't show his approval for what Craig wanted, only to regret that choice and racing to the airport in the hope that he wasn't too late. No matter what else happened Craig was his baby brother and he would always be on his side.
"Jake," Craig said with a half smile, "I'm not gay."
Standing just within earshot John Paul's eyes widened at Craig's words. Since their relationship had begun he had never really considered Craig's sexuality, but having Craig voice such a statement felt somehow wrong, like a betrayal, denying what they had, what they were. John Paul stepped backwards as Craig's words echoed in his ears.
"You sleep with blokes Craig," Jake said with a half smile, "In my book that makes you gay."
"You don't get it alright," Craig argued, "I don't fancy other blokes. It's just John Paul."
"No, you're right I don't get it. It doesn't make sense."
"I wouldn't go with other men." Craig insisted. "It's just John Paul. I can't help who I've fallen in love with."
"So what, you still fancy girls?"
"Yeah," Craig replied with a shrug. He did, didn't he? Since the first time Craig's lips had touched John Paul's the opposite sex had seemed less appealing, less intriguing, but he still fancied them on the whole, didn't he?
"So what does that make you then? Are you bi?" Jake asked with a confused frown. Firstly he had to try and understand that his brother was gay and then Craig announced that wasn't the case, Jake shook his head with a total lack of understanding.
"No," Craig said with a pained voice, "I don't know."
"I'm trying to understand Craig."
"I don't think I understand it myself. All I know is that I love him."
"I know, I know, you're in love with a man but you're not gay."
"I'm still me," Craig said with a smile, "I'm just a me that loves John Paul…"
As he said his boyfriend's name Craig turned to locate the blonde man who was standing a few feet behind him. John Paul's arms were folded across his chest and a slight scowl creased the younger man's normally smooth brow. Craig attempted to beckon the man over to him but John Paul's gaze was elsewhere and before Craig could call out to him his attention was pulled back to his brother.
"You're sure about this Craig?" Jake asked kindly. It had taken a lot of soul searching but ultimately he had realised there was only one factor that really mattered, that Craig was happy.
"I love him Jake," Craig said with a smile of such startling brightness that Jake could not doubt the truth of the younger Dean's words.
"Take care of yourself."
"I don't need to," Craig said with a laugh, "I've got John Paul to do that for me now!"
Pulling his brother into a tight embrace Jake held Craig close, squeezing him so tightly that the younger man eventually had to fight his way out of the hug so that he could catch his breath.
"I've gotta go Jake," Craig gasped when he could finally breathe again.
"Be careful," Jake advised as his brother walked away, "And don't to anything you don't want to…"
"When do I ever?" Craig asked with a smile, his hands half raised in an amused question.
Turning from his brother Craig quickly walked towards John Paul, his steps light and his heart full, the one thing that had cast a shadow over his leaving was the lack of Jake's support and now that he had been given that Craig felt as if he had everything he could ever want in the world.
"How about that?" Craig asked with a laugh, "I never would have thought that he would… John Paul? Is everything OK?"
Placing one hand on John Paul's folded arms Craig could sense the tension that held his boyfriend's body taught and, at his touch, John Paul moved back until Craig's hand slipped from him.
"John Paul?"
"So you're not gay?"
"What?"
"I heard what you told Jake," John Paul replied. He was unable to meet Craig's gaze, unable to face the rejection that must be there. He knew it. He knew it would all go wrong. Why didn't he trust his instincts, they could have avoided all this.
"John Paul what are you talking about?" Craig asked gently, both hands reaching to grip John Paul's shoulders and turning the man to face him. He was startled to see John Paul's bright blue eyes glistening with tears that shone over the dark fear he could see inside them. "What is it? I don't understand…"
"I… you… Craig if you can't even admit that you're gay what chance do we have?"
"John Paul I… I'm not… I don't think… I mean I…" Craig cast his eyes around the busy airport, "I look around here now and I don't see another bloke that I could fancy…"
"But there are women here that you fancy?" John Paul said sadly.
Craig looked around again. It was true there were some very pretty women passing them by, delicate waists and ample chests, shapely legs and beautiful smiles; any one of them could get a man's pulse racing… most men's.
"No," Craig said with a laugh, "There's nobody that I fancy… nobody but you… I love you John Paul… I love you…"
"But what if… what if you decide this isn't what you want… you meet some woman and…?"
"And what if you meet some other bloke," Craig interrupted with a small laugh, "It's just as possible… we can't know what the future holds… but right here and right now I LOVE YOU… and that's all that matters…"
"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly. He didn't know why he was finding it so hard to trust in Craig's love but even as they stood there, even as Craig declared his love over and over again John Paul's heart was gripped by doubt. "But I just…"
"No buts," Craig said with a smile so calm, so certain that the very sight of it eased the worst of John Paul's fears. "Just us John Paul, you and me… that's all we need…"
"You promise?"
"I promise. Always."
Before John Paul could reply Craig took a single step forward and, slipping his hands to the back of John Paul's neck, he sealed his promise with a kiss.
As their lips met John Paul felt the world revolve around him, as if it was realigning itself, everything falling perfectly into place as the heat from Craig's mouth melted away the last of John Paul's doubts and fears until he could no longer remember what they were.
Pulling back from his lover's embrace John Paul smiled, his eyes sparkling, no longer with tears, but rather with the greatest joy and love that made his heart swell until he was no longer sure his chest could contain it.
"Always," John Paul echoed with a smile that he felt would never again leave his lips.
With tickets clutched tightly in their hands John Paul McQueen and his best friend, his lover and his soul mate Craig Dean stepped onto the escalators.
For a second John Paul caught a glimpse of a blonde woman at the top of the moving stairs. She was smiling at the two young men as they approached, her hair glistened a brilliant gold and her simple white dress seemed to shimmer in a sunlight that John Paul could not locate.
"Hannah?" John Paul breathed, tilting his head slightly in bewilderment. What was Hannah doing there?
Hannah's smile widened as she saw John Paul's fingers tightly laced with Craig's and she nodded with satisfaction.
"What was that?" Craig asked at the sound of his boyfriend's whispered word.
"What?" John Paul replied, his attention pulled from the blonde woman and swallowed up by the deep chocolate pools of Craig's eyes.
"I thought you said something."
"Did I?" John Paul said with a shrug. "I don't remember…"
Sharing a smile the two young men stepped from the escalator and walked towards their future with a confident gait.
The figure of the pretty blonde woman watched John Paul and Craig until they were out of sight and then, unnoticed by anyone, she slowly faded away. Her mission was complete. The man had been saved.
Day by day it's getting louder
And day by day it's getting stronger
But when I can't scream no more and I need reassurance,
I listen to the crowd
EPILOGUE
In December of 2009 Spike met a stunningly attractive man in a bar in the centre of Manchester. He was blatantly taken with the man, whose name he quickly discovered to be David, and spent a thoroughly enjoyable evening in his company.
At the end of the night David offered Spike a lift home on his motorcycle.
For some reason that he could not quite fathom Spike declined the offer at the last minute, electing rather to exchange phone numbers with his new friend.
Later that night David's motorcycle was involved in a head on collision and he was killed instantly.
It wasn't until hearing the news that Spike recalled the warning from his ex-boyfriend John Paul McQueen a few years earlier.
The memory chilled him to the bone but also gave him cause to thank that blue-eyed boy for probably saving his life.
Hannah Ashworth continued to struggle with her body image but, with the constant help and support of her family and councillor, it was kept under control and she never had to be hospitalised.
In 2009 Hannah met a man while holidaying in Egypt and was swept off her feet. For the first time in her life she felt truly loved and could finally see beauty in herself that had always been apparent to the rest of the world.
Despite the exotic location of their meeting Peter Collins was originally from Chester and had recently moved to Liverpool. The couple decided that their meeting must have been fate.
In the spring of 2010 Hannah and Peter married in a small but elegant ceremony in her hometown of Hollyoaks.
John Paul and Craig were both surprised and thrilled to be invited and they watched their old friend marry with unconcealed joy.
In January of 2008 Myra McQueen welcomed a young priest into her home. Father Keiron Hobbs was new to the parish but quickly became welcomed as a part of the McQueen family, possibly filling the void that was left after John Paul had moved to Dublin.
Father Hobbs found a friend in the kindly matriarch and the pair spent many long hours sharing their deepest doubts and fears with each other.
Keiron eventually admitted that he had begun to question the validity of his calling as he struggled more than he should with everything that the church demanded of him. Myra was also the first person he finally felt able to admit that he was gay to.
In turn Myra found herself a confidant in Father Hobbs and was at last able to voice her deepest, darkest secret and the one thing in her life she truly regretted. The fact that she had abandoned her baby on the steps of a church when she herself was only a child.
By the autumn of 2008 Keiron Hobbs left the church, electing instead to find other ways he could serve god but also be true to himself.
With Keiron's help Myra finally managed to track down her first child, who had been named Matthew, and was able to begin the process of making amends to the son she felt she had wronged.
The rest of the McQueen family were shocked at Myra's revelation but eventually Matthew was welcomed into the fold, after all they had been raised with the knowledge that family was what mattered.
At the start of 2009 Keiron Hobbs left Hollyoaks to start working for a charity based in Africa. While there he met and fell in love with a fellow aid worker, Jonathan, and finally knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that his life was on the right path.
On 24th August 2011 John Paul McQueen and Craig Dean sealed their union with a civil partnership. Both families came together that late summer day to watch as the two men, whose love had never faltered since the day they first left Chester together, declare their unending commitment to each other.
The ceremony was simple but beautiful and, as the two men spoke of their feelings, two mothers wiped tears of happiness from their eyes. All that any parent ever really wants is to see their children happy and on that day Myra McQueen and Frankie Osborne bore witness to the joy in their youngest sons lives.
Tapping his fork against a wine glass to call the wedding guests to silence, Jake Dean rose to his feet. Clearing his throat nervously he looked around at the expectant faces, family and friends waiting to hear his best man's speech.
"A few years ago," Jake began with another nervous cough, "A few years ago when I first found out about my kid brother and John Paul, well… let's say I didn't take it too well!" Jake cast an apologetic smile at his brother's new husband to the accompanying giggles of those who knew all to well of Jake's reaction back then. "Sorry about that John Paul! I guess I couldn't understand how a love between two men could ever be real, it didn't make sense to me, it wasn't a world I knew anything about and I just expected that Craig would end up getting hurt. And today, what four years later, well I'm glad to see that I've been proved wrong. I know these two have had their ups and downs as all couples do but they've weathered it all and are stronger than they ever were and I'm proud to welcome John Paul into our family because, well, anyone who can make my brother that happy, he's alright by me!"
Lifting up his glass of champagne Jake smiled at the newly weds.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he said with a grin, "Please raise your glasses and join me in toasting the happy couple. Craig and John Paul."
Soft chocolate eyes and brilliant blue eyes filled with tears as their friends and family all rose to their feet, glasses in hands, and echoed Jake's toast.
"Craig and John Paul!"
Lifting his own champagne flute John Paul smiled at his new husband.
"To us," he said quietly, "And to love."
Mirroring the blonde man's actions Craig took a sip of his drink. "Always."